TWICE UPON A MATTRESS
Written by Christopher Rangel
ACT I: A LIMERICK IN THE DARK
SCENE 1:
Dauntless awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of thunder. As he snapped into consciousness, he noticed how empty the bed was.
"Fred?" he said, as he wiped the eyes that rested in his head. "Winnifred, are you there?" He didn't hear a sound within the castle. It was quite. Too quiet. Quite too quiet for a dark and stormy night. Dauntless got out of bed and made for the door.
The castle hall was dark. Not a single candle lit, not one bit. He sighed and returned to his room, grabbing and lighting a candle. When he returned to the hallway he almost shat his pants, for the candlelight revealed the words "HOP! SKIP! JUMP!" written along the wall, all the way down the muh-fucking hall.
"Holy shit", muttered Dauntless, and he followed the words down the hall in reverse.
He opened the door to the throneroom, silent and empty.
"Hello!" Dauntless shouted. "Anyone there?" There was a gurgling sound from the direction of the throne. Dauntless stiffened, but slowly approached the throne. He cast the light on the throne, revealing King Sextimus sitting the throne, a his neck bleeding profusely from a slash wound.
"Dad?" Dauntless said with a choke. Now he knew that this shit was no joke.
"Son..." Sextimus managed to say.
"Oh, father!" cried Dauntless. Sextimus put a hand on Dauntless's shoulder and managed a chuckle.
"How cruel are the fates", said Sextimus. "A fatal throat wound, and so shortly after I regained the ability to speak!"
"Father, who did this? What is happening?!" begged Dauntless.
"I saw... your mother..." began the King.
"No..."
"But she wasn't alone. There was... a man... a man in a dark cloak."
"Do you know who he was?" asked Dauntless.
"No..." said Sextimus. "He was fucking wearing a black cloak, dickweed."
"Oh, right", said Dauntless. Sextimus started to cough, geysers of blood erupting from his mouth with each cough.
"I haven't much time left..." said Sextimus. "Where's the Princess Winnifred?"
"I don't know!" said Dauntless. "When I awoke she was gone."
Sextimus sighed, then said "So it seems, she was once upon a mattress, but she will never be twice upon the same mattress."
"What are you saying, father?"
"Never mind that..." Sextimus coughed. "That man... he cast a spell of Darkness all over the land."
"What a dick!" said Dauntless.
"I know, right?" said Sextimus. "Anyways, you gotta find him and your mother, then figure out how the fuck to lift the curse."
"Yes, father", said Dauntless.
"Here", said Sextimus, handing Dauntless his sword. "Its dangerous to go alone. Take this."
"The Green Blade of Verdepea!"
"I've... got a lot to say..." said Sextimus. "But alas, I cannot..." he holds his hands to his chest. "So falls Sextimus." (Dies)
"No! Father!" screamed Dauntless. "FATHER!"
"What the fuck?!" came a voice from the entrance of the throneroom. It was Sir Harry! "Why dost thou yell so loudly?!"
"You!" yelled Dauntless, drawing Verdepea. "Where were you?!"
"Asleep, until you fuckin' woke me up, my dude!" he had his hand on his sword. "Now put down thy sword!"
"RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Dauntless as he charged at Sir Harry. Harry sighed, then kicked Dauntless in the face when he was close enough.
"Pull yourself together, man", said Harry. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing much", whimpered Dauntless. "Father dead, wife missing, its just fucking "Happily Ever After" here!"
"His majesty is dead?"
"And her majesty missing."
(Music 1: Opening for a King)
HARRY: OHHHHHH, I LIKED HIM
DAUNTLESS: SO DID I
HARRY: WHYYYY
TOGETHER: WHYYY
DID OUR FAIR KING JUST HAVE TO DIE?!
Just then, the musical number was interrupted by The Minstrel, Paul McCartney, kicking open the throneroom doors.
"Why didn't you tell me you guys were to sing", said Paul, "Don't you know that's kind of my thing?!"
DAUNTLESS: We're busy mourning our fallen king!
MINSTREL: Fallen king?
HARRY: The Fallen king of which we sing!
MINSTREL: OHHHHHH, I LIKED HIM!
HARRY + DAUNTLESS: SO DID I!
MINSTREL: WHYYY
ALL: WHYYY
DID OUR FAIR KING JUST HAVE TO DIE?!
HARRY: WAS SUCH A GUY!
MINSTREL: MAKES YOU CRY!
DAUNTLESS: AND I DID!
MINSTREL: ALAS, ALAS, THE KING HAS PASSED,
WILL ANOTHER KINGDOM KICK OUR ASS?
HARRY + DAUNTLESS: THROUGHOUT THE LANDS,
THEY'LL SOIL THEIR HANDS
WITH BLOOD THAT RUNS UPON OUR SANDS (End Music)
"So what do we do now?" asked Minstrel Paul McCartney.
"We must awaken everyone within the castle", said Sir Harry.
"Right", said Dauntless. "And I'm not sure where Winnifred is, so keep an eye out for her, too!"
"Got it!" said the other two, and so they went to waking the castle.
SCENE 2:
Everyone was gathered in the throneroom, standing around the corpse of the king.
"Holy fucking shit!" said the Jester. "How the fuck did this happen!"
"I might be able to shed some light on that question", came a voice from the room's entrance. "If I could create anything but darkness!" They all turned and saw a man in a black cloak.
"Its him", said The Wizard, Cardamon. "The origin of the spell of darkness... it is coming from him." The Minstrel turned to Cardamon.
"You... you're actually magical?" asked Paul McCartney.
"Yes", said Cardamon. "Ages ago, when I went by a different name, I was one of the most powerful wizards in the world. But then I had to go into hiding, so what better way for a great wizard to hide than by pretending to be a really shit wizard?"
"What name did you go by, Cardamon?"
"My name..." began Cardamon. He slowly removed his fake-ass beard, revealing a real-ass, big gray beard beneath it. "Is Gandalf the White!" He drew his shining sword. "Begone, demon! There is no place for you here!"
"Hmph", said the man in the cloak, stopping. "Gandalf the White, coming out of hiding. Now I've seen everything."
"Stick around here long enough, and you'll never see anything ever again!" said Gandalf. Just then, the man disappeared and the darkness around the room seemed to laugh.
"No", said the Darkness. "It is you that will not see anything, once the Darkness consumes all the light in your kingdom!"
"Bastard!" said Sir Harry.
"Where is Winnifred!?" Dauntless cried. The Darkness only laughed, then fell silent.
"Oh, Harry!" cried Lady Larken. "We can't raise a child in eternal darkness!"
"I know", said Sir Harry, putting a hand on her shoulder. "That's why we're gonna kill the shit out of that Sorcerer!"
"Its been a while since I've seen magic of that power", said Gandalf. "Its almost... Final Fantasy Level. But not quite."
"Final Fantasy Level?" said Dauntless.
"Yes, one of the highest ranking magics in the entire universe. His power is slightly below that. I've got little to worry about, though. Tolkien Level Magic is the fuckin' best!" and then he raised his staff into the air and a million doves materialized in the room and flew out the windows.
"A blessing!" said Sir Studley. "Thank you, grand Wizard!"
"Anytime!" said Gandalf. Just then, there was screaming coming from the hallway.
"I thought we'd gathered everyone!" said Dauntless.
"Apparently not", said Sir Harry, keeping his hand on his sword. The door nudged open, and the head of a knight (newly dead) rolled into the room. There was a moment of silence, then the doors flew open all the way and a giant swarm of dark creatures flooded into the room.
"The Heartless", said Gandalf. He looked around and saw only regular swords, which he knew would be useless in this fight. He raised his staff into the air, and all of a sudden everyone's swords turned into giant keys.
"I have turned all your swords into Keyblades", said Gandalf. "That is the only weapon that can kill the Heartless. Now fight, you fools!" and he drew his own Keyblade.
(Music 2: "Fragment of Sorrows", from "Kingdom Hearts")
"Holy shit!" said Dauntless.
"Keep your head on straight, boy!" yelled Sir Harry as he killed five Heartless in one swing of his Keyblade.
"Alright!" said Dauntless, and he charged at one of the Heartless and slashed down. It vanished in a poof of darkness. "Hey, I did it! I killed one!"
"Good job, Dauntless!" said Harry. Then a bunch of Heartless just jumped on Dauntless. "DAMMIT DAUNTLESS!" and he ran over to help him, but before he could The Jester had already defeated those Heartless with her own Keyblade.
"Not bad for a performer", said Harry.
"Hold your tongue", said the Jester. "There's still a fight to fight!"
"Right!" said Harry, and they stood over Dauntless, fighting off the Heartless, until he was able to stand.
"Stick with us, Dauntless, and you'll be fine", said Harry.
"Yeah!" said the Jester.
"Well alrighty!" said Dauntless. "Now is where the fight really begins!"
"Look out!" yelled Paul McCartney. Just then, a giant "Darkside" Heartless knocked down one of the throneroom walls and stood watching over everyone.
"Fuck!" yelled Lady Rowan. "How the hell are we supposed to take that thing down?!"
"He's not so strong as he looks", said Gandalf. "Keep faith in thy Keyblade, and thou shalt find victory in thine strokes!" and with that he flew up into the air, floating face to face with the Darkside. The Darkside raised its fist and went to punch Gandalf out of the sky, but Gandalf blocked its blow with his Keyblade. "Foul beast, thou art no match for the likes of us!"
"ATTACK!" roared Sir Harry, and with that all the people of the castle charged the Darkside, attacking at its feet. The Darkside looked down, distracted, at the people below him, giving Gandalf the chance he needed to strike directly at its face. It had no idea what had hit it when it disappeared. Just like that, all the Heartless disappeared from the castle. Gandalf descended, and everyone gathered together again.
(End music)
Dauntless looked around. The battle had completely destroyed his castle, but the throne still stood proud at the center of the wreckage, and his father still sat upon it like a king of the dead. Dauntless approached the throne and put a hand on his father's shoulder.
"Don't worry, dad. We'll get the guy who did this." He looked at his father one last time, then returned to the crowd.
"Though our castle stands in ruins", began Gandalf, "Our hope does not. We can overcome this darkness, or I'm not Gandalf the fuckin' White!"
"Yeah!" the crowd cheered.
"Where do we go next, wizard?!"
"The solution to our predicament lies... at the Edge of the Darkness."
Sir Harry looked to Lady Larken. "You think you can handle the Edge of the Darkness?"
Larken held out her hand, materializing her Keyblade. "Fuck yeah!" (For the record, the baby also said "Fuck yeah!")
Everyone started following Gandalf away from the castle, but Dauntless saw a flung piece of debris land in front of him. Keeping his hand on his sword, he went to where the debris and been throne from, and boy was he surprised when he saw a glowing King Sextimus standing there.
"What the fuck?!" said Dauntless.
"I'm fuckin' one with The Force now, dude! I'm a fuckin' Force Ghost!" Just then Paul McCartney approached, smoking a lot of weed.
"Whoa", said Paul McCartney. He looked at King Sextimus, then looked at Dauntless, then looked at his weed, then looked back at Dauntless. "You're seeing that too, right?"
TO BE CONTINUED
