Hey. I was reading my old origin story and all I could think was, "Shit, this sucks." So I wanted to make a "Everything Wrong With" thing, parodying CienmaSins. Disclaimer: I don't own CienmaSins. Obviously. Hope you enjoy me tearing apart my old shit XD


ORIGIN STORY
INTRO

Litwick.

(1) Narration.

Litwick. There's something you just have to admire about the guy.

(2) Yeah, because he keeps dark secrets from us, steals our memories and has an overly confusing past.

He's very smart and my opinion and makes, pretty well thought out comments that have made you think about at least at one time or another.

(3) More narration.

But one quote from him I like is, "But, like the others, I was someone before I was a Guardian, the Guardian of Protection."

(4) This is a year old fic, so I can only assume that quote is older, and I don't recognize it at all.

The reason I bring this up particularly is the words, "I was someone before". I obviously, myself was someone before I was a Guardian. But also, I was sort of still the same person after joining the GMAD. Before I was a Guardian.

(5) Shit, idiots sound even dumber when they try to be philosophical. Shit, slow down, this is more confusing than Litwick's past.

People think I'm dead, but it's not as if all record of me was snuffed out from existence, or that everyone on the planet thinks I never was. Or that I died and woke up with no memories.

(6) More confusing shit just to make sure people who haven't already face-desked will continue reading.

I know myself, I know exactly who I am. It's more of what I am.

(7) A demonic vampire. We all know, stop trying to be cryptic.

My name was Lantern Louver so when I became a part of GMAD I simply excluded my "U" and added a 23 while bunching it all together.

(8) No, you came up with the name LanternLover23 before you decided your past name, and then you were lazy as fuck and just added a U and excluded some numbers. Nice going, past self.

I lived in the human world with my mother, Cordelia Louver. I never knew my dad, still don't.

(9) Actually, later in the fic Alcatran becomes your school teacher, so you technically DO know him, you just winged this entire fic. Continuity error.

All I know that his name is Alcatran Louver and he's definitely a jerk, the way my uncle described him.

(10) Why Alcatran and Hoodwink hate each other is never explained.

My mom never talk bad about him

(11) Grammar.

My mom never talk bad about him but I could tell she was angry at him for leaving us.

(12) … How? If she never said anything bad about him how can you tell she hates him, other than logic and assumption? Can you really read your mom that well? (13) Also, Cordelia rips off Sally Jackson from the Percy Jackson series.

She never told me who he really was. He was Alcatran Louver, the most popular vampire in a parallel dimension, the Afterlife.

(14) Which is then changed to vampire-demon to make him more OP, then he becomes your teacher for some reason. Wow, you really decided to wing it with this fic didn't you?

And pretty soon, I'd be going there too.

(15) Cheap suspense.

Let me add something onto that sentence, people think I'm dead. I'm not.

I mean, what happened should've… it should've killed me.

(16) More cheap suspense.

I mean, seriously, getting pushed off a 200 floor building and landing on my head should've been the end of me.

(17) Blatant exposition is blatant.

But it wasn't. Something was wrong with me, definitely.

(18) Nah, you've just got a freaky dad.

And that is where my story began.

(19) Which won't start here because you're too lazy to write it.

SIN TALLY: 19.

SENTENCE: BAD INTRO WASTELAND.

So, anyone who has read that origin story, hope you liked this and I will see you later!