Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again I offer my sincerest apologies to those with a weak stomach for what happened before the commercial break. That being said let's take a look at the scores. In last place we have The Joker with an astonishing negative 600 points.
The Joker: You can wear that smug look on your face all you like, Trebek, but you and I both know that when the cameras turn off and you go home at the end of the day you're just a sad, lonely man with nothing to look forward to but filming this pathetic little show.
Trebek: Fantastic. And in second place we have Jonathan Crane with negative one hundred points.
Crane: Would you like to see my mask? I use it in my experiments.
Trebek: No I would not. And finally we have Sean Connery in the lead with zero points.
Sean Connery: I have a little joke for you, Trebek. A riddle if you will.
Trebek: I really don't want to hear it.
Connery: What's the difference between three penises and a joke?
Trebek: What?
Connery: Your mother can't take a joke (laughs obnoxiously.)
Trebek: I should have seen that coming.
Connery: I saw your mother coming last night.
Trebek: That is extremely inappropriate. Better luck to all of you in the next round. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are…Potent Potables; Famous Cats; Days of the week; Circus Animals; Shows that end in Oony Toons; Animals that go "moo"; and Famous Villains. Mr. Connery, you are in the lead so unfortunately you have control of the board. Please pick a category.
Connery: Alas, I reign supreme. I'll take famous pussies for 400.
Trebek: That's CATS, Mr. Connery. Famous CATS. And the answer is: this cat is known for hating Mondays, loving lasagna and is the main character in "Garfield." Garfield. The answer is literally in the name.
*Connery buzzes in *
Trebek: Yes, Mr. Connery?
Connery: Kim Kardashian.
Trebek: That is completely incorrect. Mr. Crane why don't you pick a category?
Crane: I'll take uh, famous villains for 800.
Trebek: Famous villains for 800. And the answer is: this villain, known for his role in "Batman Begins" is a doctor at Arkham Assylum who invents a fear gas. Mr. Crane if you don't get this right, god help you.
*Crane buzzes in *
Crane: (wearing his mask) The doctor isn't in right now. But if you'd like to make an appointment…
Trebek: (sighs) That is incorrect. And where did you get that mask? Didn't we take that away from him?
*The Joker buzzes in *
Trebek: Mr. Joker?
Joker: Do you want to know how I got these scars?
Trebek: Not particularly.
Joker: My father was a drinker. And a fiend-
Trebek: Fascinating. Mr. Joker has proven incapable of picking a category so I will pick for him. Let's go with "animals that go 'moo'" for 200. And the answer is: this animal is a cow. All you have to do is say the word "cow" and you'll be correct.
*Joker buzzes in *
Trebek: Yes?
Joker: Why so serious, Trebek?
Trebek: Because they won't let me quit this job. You know what why don't we just skip to final jeopardy? The category is: Food. All you have to do is write down a type of food. Or you could even draw a picture if words are too complicated. As long as it's a type of food. This could be a hamburger, or an apple, or even a cookie. (end beep) And let's see what kind of mess you've managed to make of this one, shall we? Mr. Crane wrote: Scarecrow. Interestingly enough, scarecrow is not a type of food. And you wagered…(sighs) Scarecrow. Moving on to Mr. Joker who wrote…nothing because he threw his pen across the studio and managed to stab an audience member in the eye. Impressive aim, but unfortunately not a correct answer. An ambulance is on its way. And finally Mr. Connery. You wrote…good lord you wrote "nuts." That's absolutely correct! Let's see what you wagered. "Suck mine, Trebek." That's just unnecessary.
Connery: That's not what your mother said last night.
Trebek: My mother is ninety five years old and completely senile!
Connery: Maybe so but she sure seemed to know what she was doing with-
Trebek: And that's all the time we have. I'm going to go home, curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth repeatedly. Good night.
