After reading through this old story, I became unsatisfied. I found that the previous version was too persistant on bringing humor from profanity and aiming for simple comedy. But no, that's not enough. I've had little time to work on anything between work and school, and the fact that I was able to rewrite and perfect this topic has really brought me with some relief. If any of you remember this story, you may notice the effort. For those of you who are new, sit back, relax, and get ready for an adulterated adventure. Thanks.
"Man! It's about time!" Link shouted enthusiastically. He thrusted his hands into the air, bumping into Lucina.
"Link, seriously. Calm down. It's just going to be a little drink." she said.
"Oh come-a on. Lucina, let-a him have a little fun. It has been-a while after all." Luigi said. Mario led the group (Lucina, Captain Falcon, Link, Luigi, Wario, Ike, Marth, Roy, Corrin, Little Mac, Samus, Dark Pit, and Mega Man, even though he didn't really drink) into the smash famous 'The Ringed Ace' bar. Before they went in, Mario swung around.
"Okay, here's the deal. I'll-a cover the drinks, as long as-a no one tells Master Hand about-a it. Also, watch-a who you-a talk to and don't-a drink too much. Last-a time, it took four of us-a to carry you, Ike." Ike blushed. "No fighting. There's enough of-a that at SSB HQ. No-a stealing or illegal stuff. Pittoo, that-a also means no, 'picking up-a bitches'. I don't-a want to hear about any problems tonight. This-a happens way to often. If-a something-a happens, tell me immediately. Do we-a have an understanding?" he asked with a stern face. Usually somebody broke at least two of the rules. Everybody nodded yes, while Pittoo rolled his eyes. "Well then, let's-a go!" Mario turned and pushed open the door. Ah, the sweet smell of alcohol. Mario walked in, followed by Luigi, Mega Man, Samus, Wario, Falcon, and Mega Man. Little Mac and Dark Pit went alone while Lucina, Link, Ike, Marth, Roy, and Corrin entered together.
"So, what's the gimmick for today?" Link asked. Corrin smirked and pulled out a bunch of notecards.
"I've written down some things that determine what, how, and when we drink. We're playing some Mario Kart later. Yeah, I know it's usually Robin's job, but he's sick. Marth and Roy, pick a card. Any card…" he whipped out a bunch of cards in his hand. The two veterans each grabbed a card, wide-eyed.
"Oh hell yeah!" Roy yelled.
"Perfect…" Marth sighed. They laid the cards on an open booth (and sat down). Lucina burst out laughing while Link held his face in his hands.
"Welp, looks like Ike gets to pick everyone's drinks. Fantastic. But Mario Kart though? Marth, I swear if you win with flipping Yoshi one more time I'll choke you out." Roy said.
"Now Ike, you don't have to tell anyone ANYTHING about what you go get. Whatever you get, we're not allowed to leave until it's gone, so go crazy." Corrin told him.
"Sweet. I've always wanted to abuse this power." he laughed, getting up. He left the booth and traveled across the massive bar to the counter.
"What did he say?" Marth asked. "Abusing what now?"
"I think he was joking Marth. Ike wouldn't do that." Link reassured him. Lucina scoffed.
"You're wrong there Link. He probably wants revenge from when you tripped and broke his TV." she joked.
"No way. Besides, it was an accident. And why is it that you guys' TV's always break?"
"I guess we're just a little too rough. Besides, I'm still not a big fan of technology…"
"Shut up grandma. Ike's planning something." Roy told him.
"Look at that cretin. He's gonna completely destroy Link."
"He probably just got the usual. Too bad, a wasted opportunity." Lucina yawned as Ike approached the table. He set down a glass in front of Corrin, Roy, Marth, and himself. Link and Lucina looked back and forth.
"Uh, where's ours?" she asked. Ike smirked and sat down two green, acidic drinks that sparkled. They looked back and forth again.
"Ike, what the-what is this?" Link stuttered.
"I don't know. Something from Pac-Man's dimension. It's called 'The Green Ghost'. Said it was pretty strong. Don't worry, I'm sure a simple martini won't hurt you. Welp, have fun you two." he grinned. Everyone else had the usual, typically all sharing a general interest in whiskey and gin. Other times they went with something like vodka and pineapple juice. But not now. Everyone snickered and fistbumped Ike.
Link: "I thought a martini is supposed to be clear and have an olive. This is just...not any of that.
Ike: "Oh yes it is."
Roy: "So you two gonna try it or what?"
Lucina: "Alright alright. You know I can't handle super strong drinks." She smelled the mysterious substance. It had no smell. Lucina took a small sip of The Green Ghost. Her throat burned like fire and she made a uncomfortable face. Ike held back a laugh.
"Enjoying yourself?" Ike chuckled. Lucina made a face. She gulped nearly the rest of it down.
"Careful Lucina. You're gonna end up hurting yourself drinking like that." Corrin warned. Lucina made strange faces. Her throat burned and she choked for air. Link looked at her then slowly pushed his glass away.
"Link, you're going to drink that sooner or later." Marth pointed. Lucina took another drink, it being better the third time, but still pretty heavy.
"So Corrin, got anything good going on lately?" he asked. Corrin lit up.
"Oh, yeah! I've been wanting to tell this one for a while now. So you remember when we took a trip to that lake, what was it called…"
"Lake Dayundi?"
"Yeah, whatever the hell it was, Daiydei or something. Anyways, you remember when we went there. We were having a good time and Crazy Hand came and started spinning trees around. Yeah, but you remember when that lady got knocked over by Crazy and started going off on a rant right?"
"Yeah, she was all like 'What is wrong with you people? You can't even apologize after knocking over an old woman? It's people like you that make this world dangerous!' What about it?" Roy took a sip.
"Yeahyeahyeah. So, afterwards, she kept following us saying 'Your bad deeds will be repaid.' or some really weird nonsense and we had to get Master Hand to get rid of her. Well, the other day, I was walking to the library and I saw the exact same woman across the street, except she was talking to another guy. And I overheard her saying the same shit. 'Your bad deeds will be repaid.' I'm just thinking that she was watching some bad sci-fi horror movies and kept repeating the part that sounded threatening or whatever. But a few seconds later, he scoffed, walked into the street and got hit by a fricking car. A black ford SUV." he spoke in a low tone.
"Oh yeah, you told us about that. Said he had a broken leg, shoulder, and collarbone. Oh yeah, and his rib cage was no more." Lucina coughed.
"But the weirdest thing about it was that the lady who 'accidentally' hit him looked the exact same as the lady he was just talking to."
"Eek, so scared. Oh ha ha-"
"Marth, I am not joking. There is something up with that lady, because she's creepy as shit."
"If I see her in an alley, she's getting the back hand." Lucina joked. Ike returned after running to the bathroom.
"Hey Ike, Corrin said that old lady that was bugging us is haunting him. She put a guy in the hospital." Marth said, looking up.
"Oh haha. Don't you lie to me you dragon bastard." he sat down another glass in front of Lucina, ice cubes dancing on the top. It sparkled.
"Once again, I'm serious. If you see her, run like hell. Otherwise, she is gonna bend you over and fu-"
"Can't we use self-defense and cut the witch in half? She's not screwing me over." Link said, taking a gulp from his glass. Marth laughed.
"You're not the type of person to kill somebody, Link. Only for drastic proportions."
"I think breaking my leg and shoulder are pretty drastic. If not, I'm giving back double. Both legs, both shoulders, and just for the road, throw them over a random rail."
"Random rail?" Roy asked.
"Damn straight! Toss em over a guard rail! Hey, you might even be able to take their shoes. Lord knows Corrin needs some."
"I always walk around barefoot! I don't need to wear shoes…"
"How did you even get in here? No shirt, no shoes, no service."
"Shh. Shut up dude." he warned and looked behind his shoulder. "I'm not even supposed to be here."
"Why not?"
"Hey, get me another drink." Link nudged at Ike. Ike sighed and got up once more. "Anyways, why not?"
"Because sis really wanted me to help her study World History, for whatever reason. Ever since she got here, she's wanted to understand this dimension and I really don't want help her. I said that I would, but I'm here instead. I'm just worried that Kamui will come here looking for me." he looked over his shoulder again.
"How would she know you're here?" Marth asked.
"Pit."
"How would he know?"
"Because moron, he knows Pittoo. And he knows that Pittoo was going out with us."
"Damn, we could have at least taken him to dinner first."
"What?"
"You said he's going out with us." Corrin was tempted to strangle Link, but remembered the 'No Fighting' rule. All of a sudden, a drunken man stumbled up to them.
"*hiccup* H-hey bitches. How's it ha-hanging?" he smiled with yellow-stained teeth.
"Excuse me sir, I don't quite take too kindly to being called such a term." Marth told him. "Please take your unwanted business elsewhere. Thank you sir." The man wobbled from side-to-side, grinning like an idiot.
"Na-ah mate, I gotta thing to peel."
"What?"
"Hey, little lady. How 'bout ya ditch these *hiccup* losuhs and come join a good man, eh?" he said. Roy hopped up.
"Marth doesn't want some crusty hippie like you!"
"Not me dumbass! Lucina!" they looked at Lucina, who seemed to be in a daze. Either lost in thought, or in a dazed state. Ike was heading back to the table when he noticed the weird guy.
"So guys, who's your friend?" he asked the guy. The man scoffed. "Doesn't seem so friendly."
"I just want the liddle ladi. How about you just shaddup, you dumb ass fork."
"What's a-nevermind. Look man, just piss off and go crawl back in your dumpster. You're not getting the lady because Marth doesn't want some dirty hippie like you." Ike said, sorta folding his arms after setting a glass in front of Ike. The man spoke in a strange, partly drunk, partly Australian, partly British way, partly Engrish, and pretty much every accented language there is. All mixed together, just like his drink.
"You can justa...I fuhggot wah I was sayin. Sug a dick!" he stumbled to the side. Ike shrugged and slightly nudged the man backwards. The creepy man doubled over and hit the ground.
"You trying to get arrested or something?" he frowned. Mario walked over quickly.
"I'm suing this guy!" the man yelled.
"Ike, what-a are you doing!? We just talked about this! That's-a strike one!" Ike sat down while Mario got rid of the guy before anyone noticed anything.
"Come on Mario, that fall was so fake that even I saw it. Like a cliche fall in a movie. Even more cliche than when I watched the footage of you guys beating Tabuu. I mean really, it was like 37 to one. Odds are-"
"We get it Corrin. And I disagree. That was one of the most hardcore things I took part of with Master Hand. Then, before we left, we all promised to come again in a couple of years to find out who the strongest of us all was. It was soooo cool!" Marth's eyes shone. Roy grunted.
"Lucky for you they didn't invade my world or it would've been clear who the strongest was...I didn't get invited last time but you do...bunch of bs if you ask me…" he mumbled.
"Hey guys? That drink works fast. I think it was spiked or sumthin. But anyway," Lucina whispered.
"Yeah, what's up?" Link asked.
"You wanna know a movie that just sucked ass?"
"Twilight?" Marth high-fived Roy.
"Sex and the City? Actually, nevermind. I thought that was decent." Ike shrugged.
"No, I was thinking more of MIB."
"What!?" they all shouted in unison.
"Are you insane!? That movie was gorgeous!" Corrin pounded his fist on the table.
"Nearly everything about it was absolutely scrumptious!"
"Not to mention that it was funny."
"Hold on guys. Lucina, what do you think was so bad about it?" Roy asked.
"Well *hiccup*, ahem, excuse me. But personally, I think it was unrealistic. It's kind of hard to try to make Will Smith look like a badass by running around New York City after a damn alien.
"It wasn't supposed to be realistic. Now, I sorta see what you mean by the running around NYC, but it wasn't a bad movie."
"And still, screw you. Great movie and great series. You must be drunk or something." Marth said. It was clear to them that they forgot what a low tolerance Lucina had for alcohol.
"Guys, I think Lucina's already drunk…"
"Duh. Ike already messed up, I don't want to get an earful from Mario for Lucina too. I suggest we get her out of here." Roy whispered.
"I'm not drunk! It's hardly even been 20 minutes. I'm not going anywhere." Lucina reasoned as she reached for her second drink.
"Hey look, that wasn't my fault. That guy just came out of nowhere. But yeah, you're right, we do need to get her out of here. Just say that she wasn't feeling great and went home."
"Guys, I'm fine. Quit trying to get rid of me so fa-"
"Aw crap." Corrin said, looking up to see his sister entering the bar. He crawled under the table. "Kamui's here. Don't tell her where I am. Tell her I'm not here." he hid. It didn't take long for her to spot the group and walk over.
"Hey guys, have you seen Corrin anywhere? He made a promise and isn't picking up his phone." she asked sweetly. They all looked at each other.
"Corrin said he's not here." Roy responded. Kamui raised an eyebrow.
"He said he wasn't here? Guys, where is he?"
"Damn it Roy! It wasn't that hard to just say that I was here!" he angrily whispered from under the table.
"But I did what you asked!" Roy cried. Kamui looked under the table.
"Corrin, come from under there. You said that you would help me study, remember?" she asked. He rolled his eyes.
"Yes, I remember. C'mon, let's go." he squirmed out and ruffled his hair.
"Look, if we're fast enough, you won't miss much. I just need a little help and you already seem very educated on the subject." she smiled and began to leave.
"If anything, Link has been here the longest. He would know the most about this dimension." he mumbled. Kamui turned and looked at him.
"Wait, really? Hey Link-where'd he go?" Link was hiding under the table. "Oh well, looks like you'll have to do. Let's go big bro." (and it rhymed!) she said. Corrin turned back and hurriedly whispered.
"Alright guys, you're going to have to do this without me. Make sure Mario doesn't find out. I will be back as soon as possible." he said and walked away. Ike, Roy, Marth, and Link stared as he walked away. Lucina was giggling at a joke she just thought of.
"Hey guys?"
"Yes Lucina?"
"Why is the nose in the middle of your face?" she asked. Ike put a hand on his head.
"I don't know. We shou-"
"Because it's the scenter." she smiled cheekily. Roy sighed and covered his face. He took another drink. Marth smiled but hated himself for it. Ike was more focused on the fact that the old lady was sitting across from them at the bar...
Ike looked down to see Lucina's second drink gone.
"What the hell? Lucina, did you down two of those? That's strong stuff. You're going to get us chewed out by Mario!"
"What are you talking about? I'm fine!"
5 minutes later…
Lucina was playing with her fingers. Link had a hand in his hair.
"Yep. Of course. Not even surprised that Lucina is hammered again..."
"Chill out Link. Everything's fine. Lucina is only slightly drunk." Marth said. Lucina burped. "Okay, a little more than slightly drunk. But anyway, let's go hit up a nightclub! I am ready to get it on!" Roy smacked the back of Marth's head.
"Absolutely not! Not only is that going to break all of the rules, but Palutena is on duty at the front desk and she will know something is up if we get back at 3:00 am! I don't want to disappoint her!" he stated. Marth wrapped his hands around Roy's throat. "Gah! Wait! Marth, I'm *choke* sorry!" Marth roughly let him go and dusted his hands off. The main doors flew open as a grey-haired tactician walked through the doors. Except she was a female. She looked around and walked over.
"Wassup guys!" she smiled. Ike smirked. They both had a thing for each other, but were too stupid to realize it. She sat down with them. Ike offered her a drink but she shook her head. "Now why wasn't I invited?" Robin (F) asked. Roy scratched the back of his head.
"We were afraid you'd tell Master Hand. Or Palutena." the red-haired man scratched the back of his head.
"Why in the world would I tell Palutena?"
"Roy's peepee is so hard for Palutena. He just didn't want to take the risk of you disappointing h-" Roy's hands wrapped around Marth's throat. "H-hold on! I *cough* I was joking around!" Roy pushed him back aggressively and looked at Robin.
"What he meant to say is you might accidentally spill the beans and she would have to report to Master Hand. We don't want that, right?" he gritted his teeth and looked at Marth." Marth nodded.
"Heya Robin! You are looking awful tasty today!" Lucina saluted. Robin looked at herself. She was wearing a purple shirt and jeans.
"Um, thanks? Let me guess, you guys ended up getting her drunk didn't you? Make sure you-"
"It was not our faults." Link cut her off. "That was all Ike. It was his idea. He knows she has a very low tolerance."
"Ooh, Ike, how devious. And where do you plan on taking this?" she pointed a thumb at Lucina, who was following a fly with her eyes. Ike shook his head.
"Okay, it is not like that at all. Not even a little bit. I got to choose drinks. I wanted to screw with her and Link. Simple." Robin had her head cocked and arms folded. Her smirk never left.
"Where's Corrin?"
"He left. Went to go study like a nerd." Ike finished his drink and pushed it to the side. Marth whispered to Roy and they snickered.
"You two start dating yet?" Roy asked Ike and Robin. In an instant, Marth slammed his head on the table and Robin's face fluttered to a bright pink. Ike looked away. Lucina stood up and barged past everyone in the way.
"Lucina, where are you going?" Link asked.
"I gotta take a pee." she walked off. She walked into the men's restroom and Link had to football run in order to get her.
"On the subject of urine," Robin started, "why'd you guys come here? It smells like piss and moldy crackers. Like an old guy died under the table." she pinched her nose.
"Don't change the subject Ro-" Marth covered Roy's mouth.
"Looks high-class to me. Got a nice, homey kind of feel to it." Ike said.
"No, it smells like piss and crackers. I don't plan on drinking tonight. Finish up and we can go?"
"Where are we going?" Marth asked curiously. Link had pushed Lucina back to the table.
"Don't play dumb with me. I don't care about whatever fancy cards you guys do at the beginning of drinking, I just know you play Mario Kart every single time and you're not leaving me out. Besides, Mario is going to kick your asses if he finds out Lucina is piss drunk. C'mon, let's hit it." she stood up. Ike had already finished, as well as Link and Marth. Roy downed the rest of his like a moron. Link grabbed Lucina's hand to lead her out.
"Link, where you going? I wanna come too!" she stood up and stuck close to him. Ike bought two bottles of Jack Daniels' Whiskey even though there was no alcohol allowed in the mansion. Ike flashed Mario a thumbs-up as they left. Mario nodded. Then he caught Pittoo making out with a chick and ran after him.
They were nearly home when Lucina decided she didn't want to walk anymore. "Ro-oy. My feetsies are tiiiired. Can you pick me up?" she whined. Roy threw his arms in the air.
"I swear to Naga, this happens every time. It's not even like you ask the big lug, you ask goddamn Roy. No. Get Marth to do it." he continued walking ahead of everyone. Marth crouched down and she climbed on his back for a piggyback ride. Robin scratched the back of her head.
"Seriously Ike, what did you give her?" she nudged his shoulder.
"Nah, nothing really. Link had the same thing. 'Green Ghost' or something from Pac-Man's world. Funny thing is that there is no green ghost in pac-man."
"Ike, come on. This is Pac-Man we're talking about. He's got some crazy junk in his universe I bet. You can't just pull out random stuff big guy. What if it killed her?"
"I sue, I win, I get her life insurance money, I live a good life." Link jumped ten feet into the air.
"It's the old lady!" he pointed far off. The was an old hag hiding behind a building giving them the death stare. "We need to leave now!"
"Hey Marth?" Lucina asked. Marth sighed.
"Yes Lucina?"
"Can we go to the park? I could really go for feeding some ducks right now."
"No Lucina. It's 19:21 right now. We can't go to the-"
"Don't treat me like a kid! Put me down this instant!" Marth let her down. "Now you listen here mister. Just because you were here first and you have the same hair as me doesn't make you my father!" she pointed a finger at Marth while he held his hands up defensively. "You can't tell me what to do anymore! If I want to taste the bath soap, I'll taste the bath soap! And if I want to stuff my bras, I can stuff my damn bras! I don't want to hear another word about this anymore! And you're not allowed to put me to bed anymore! There! I said it!" Marth looked around to make sure he was hearing correctly. "Can you pick me up?" she held her hands in the air.
"Lucina, I haven't said anything about any of those things except for the bra stuffing. I just thought you could do without it, but whatever man." he gave her a piggyback ride. Ike was laughing too hard to stand. The old lady in the distance had disappeared.
The group arrived at the mansion in just a couple of minutes. Peach was watering her garden in the front. Villager was putting something in some type of bag that kinda looked like a body in the cellar with his friend Villie. Little Mac was doing push-ups for the next tournament and Robin was lounging in a lawn chair with a book in hand. It had been warm that day and not very eventful. So when Marth brought a squirming Lucina in his arms, it wasn't normal for people not to wonder what was going on. Mega Man, who was passing by shook his head, not even wanting to know. Marth set Lucina onto her feet and she wobbled onto the ground. WIthout words, she grabbed Link by his shirt collar and drug him to Peach's garden.
"Uh...what is she doing?" Ike whispered to Roy.
"I have no idea. I don't think that you should get Lucina a drink so heavy next time. She's acting weirder than usual."
"Perhaps she-" Lucina threw Link onto Peach's tulip's making her jump in surprise.
"Lucina! What are you doing?" she cried. Lucina stumbled to the side and pointed a finger at her.
"Hey, don't look at me 'cause you don't have plants! Your garden needs some green so I put Link there. Your tulips stink." she stuttered. Peach didn't take it too kindly when people talked about her flowers. Out of all things that she took pride in, her garden was one that she put much work into. And although it wasn't perfect, it looked great and really added personality to the Smash Mansion's front yard. And it made her happy. So when someone has something negative to say about her flowers, it had better be creative criticism otherwise, you'd better be prepared.
Peach took a deep breath. "Lucina, are you feeling alright? You're acting...strange." she asked calmly. Best to analyze the situation than to jump to conclusions.
"Yeah! I am strange! So what?" she tripped over her fingers. The Princess looked at her strangely.
"Yo-"
"No! I've had it with this monstrosity! I'm getting rid of these weeds!" She called out and pulled her sword out. Peach jumped in surprise as Roy tackled her to the ground.
"OkayLucinatimetogonowseeyaPeachbye!" he had her in a full nelson and dragged her through the mansion doors. Ike quickly picked up her sword and grabbed Link. They really needed to get out of there before she noticed her crushed tulips.
If it wasn't clear already, Lucina was smashed. She had too much to drink (although it was only two and a half) and was scaring people. As they entered, Robin (F) stopped to check on her brother.
"Hey, how are you feeling? Better?" she put a hand on his forehead. He was slouched in the chair.
"Not great. I thought getting some fresh air would be better, but it's just making my head hurt. It's really cold." he handed the book to her and she pulled him to his feet.
"Come on little bro, let's get you back to your room. Ike, I'll catch up with you." she said. He nodded and followed the others. Palutena was at the front desk taking sign-ins since the person who would normally do it is on vacation. She is being paid, so that's cool. She smiled as her chin rested in her hands.
"Hello everybody! Good to see you back safe and sound!" Roy sped past her while dragging Lucina. "Roy, where are you-ah nevermind. Say, I smell alcohol. Ike, what's in that bag of yours?" her expression changed slightly.
"Whiskey-oops, I mean water." he accidentally slipped. Palutena closed her eyes and nodded.
"Just as I figured. Ike, you do know the consequences for bringing alcohol into the mansion right? I'll let it slide this time only because Mario told me that he'd take responsibility, but any further offenses and I will take matters into my own hands. Understand?" she winked.
"Yeah, I got it. Thank you mam." he walked up the stairs. Marth and Link proceeded after him. Palutena thought about Roy and smiled warmly.
It took awhile for everyone to get things set up in Ike's room, but it happened eventually. Lucina was sprawled out on the couch when Robin (F) and Corrin walked into the room. Link waved as he was hooking his Nintendo Switch into the TV.
"It is about time you guys showed up. We're ready to play. Shulk's in the bathroom and Ike will be right back." he told them. Corrin looked tired and Robin was smiling as usual. Roy and Marth were arguing in the other room.
"Are Roy and Marth going through a marriage crisis or something?" Corrin asked.
"I'd ship it." Robin said.
"Uh no. Actually, let me go check." Link got up and peeked his head around the corner. "Will you two shut the hell up!? Thank you." Lucina cocked her head.
"Hey! That's not very nice Linkle. You should learn better table manners." she pointed a finger. Link booted up the TV and turned on Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. Robin jumped over the couch and grabbed a controller. There were more than one tv so they could all play by linking together. It's not even like Master Hand gave them this. They had to earn it via tournament revenue, so it was very often used by everyone. Ike kicked the door open.
"Okay boys, we ready or what?" he sat on the couch next to Robin. Shulk hurried out of the bathroom and grabbed a controller.
"Roy! Marth! Get in here!" Link yelled while giving Lucina a controller. After everyone was sitting and ready to lose, Ike announced his brand new rule.
"Alright, we're doing something different today. Palutena let me in with alcohol just this once, so everybody under 3rd needs a shot of this." he sat one of the bottles down. Robin shook her head.
"I have a tournament match first thing in the morning."
"Tough luck then. Don't lose." she shot Link a mean look.
"Come on man, I never win. You're going to end up killing me." Corrin whined.
"Blah blah blah, let's go." Marth said while picking Yoshi.
"Dibs on Lemmy," Lucina called out. "My boy bout to come in clutch."
(Characters:
Shulk - Bowser
Roy - Dry Bones
Marth - Yoshi
Lucina - Lemmy
Robin (F) - Inkling Girl
Corrin - Daisy
Ike - Baby Rosalina
Link - Link
Not even a minute later (Stage Thwomp Ruins)…
"Damn it Lemmy! You suck so bad, why are you even on this game? Which one of you blue-shelled me!?" Lemmy had fallen into last after just being in first for the whole game.
Roy: "Get outta here Lucina, here comes ya boi Dry Bones." a thwomp squished Roy to mush. "Son of a-grr! This game sucks!"
Ike: "Who the hell is Bowser? Stop ramming into me!"
Shulk: "Then get out of the way loser!"
Marth: "Dude, Link's in first. Wait a minute, Link, are you playing Link!?"
Link: "Hey man, don't be salty you're not in the game."
Corrin: "Imagine being that full of yourself."
Link: "Screw off. I was there for a reason. Mario Kart is much better out here than on the actual track. That was awful. Never going back." Link was hit by a red shell from Yoshi. "Yoshi is a bad character!"
Robin: "Oh yeah, there's the finish line baby!" Robin (Inkling Girl) was knocked out of the way of the finish by Yoshi, who took first place and won. "No! No you bastard! Get up squid!" she was still in hit stun when Dry Bones and Bowser drove past the finish line. She landed fourth. "You've got to be kidding me."
Ike: "Seriously Shulk!? Man, fuck your Bowser."
Shulk: "Nope. Don't give me salt, take your shot loser." he handed him a shot glass. Link and Daisy crossed the finish line, landing 7th and 8th. Marth had his hands behind his head.
"You guys make this way to easy. No drinking for me this time." Marth, Shulk, and Roy were all exempt this time. Link grumbled as he took a shot.
"Ike, what did you even get?" he frowned.
"Just some Jack Daniels. Best type of whiskey." Everyone else got their drink and voted on the next race. Link was really starting to feel the kick.
Link: "Okay, I felt that. I'm really feeling it."
Shulk: "Oh haha. Vote for the stage already."
Lucina: "Why is Dire Dire Docks not on here? Is it not a track?"
Robin: "Dude, Dire Dire Docks is a stage from super mario 64, not this. Then again, I could see that as a stage."
Ike: "Please please please let the stage be Dry Dry Desert."
Marth: "No! I hate that stage!"
Roy: "Good, it's about time you lost for once." the randomizer went through the voted stages and landed on Yoshi Valley, picked by Marth.
Marth: "Awe yeah, you know it!"
Corrin: "Get ready for this shit show. Yoshi is starting to piss me off."
Robin: "You leave that poor dinosaur alone. He hasn't done anything wrong."
Lucina: "Yo, if someone were to use Lakitu, would he be able to start the race as well?"
Link: "There's more than one Lakitu. There are several Lakitus." Link stared at the TV as the race started. "Whoops, bad start. Aaaaaand I'm in last."
Corrin: "That's what you get for using Link."
Link: "Shut yo Daisy ass up and get back to last place." he was catching up to Corrin.
Corrin: "No, I don't wanna go! I'm sick of getting last!"
Ike: "What moron thought it was a good idea to make all of these branching paths? Which one is the fastest?" Baby Rosalina swung around the corner super hard and flew off the stage. "I will punch Hideki Konno in the dick."
Marth: "You see, the trick is to drift around the giant egg towards the end of the track. Do it perfect and you can boost onto the bridge here." Marth burped. He was beginning to feel the buzz. He crossed the finish line and began lap 2. Roy turned too hard and crashed into the wall.
"No! Crap, wait, hold on, wait..." He backed up and got hit by a bullet bill. "Oh please not like this." he was down in fifth place. He sped up as Lemmy was getting ready pass him. "No Lucina. Not today."
Lucina: "Oh, you thought I forgot about that blue shell last round huh? You about to eat shit! You...uh...potato douche." she picked up an item box and got a banana. "Of course. Nevermind, you'll eat shit later."
Link: "Dude, that Green Ghost acid has got me hammered."
Ike: "Roooobiiiin, here I coooome." he sped with a mushroom into another item box.
Robin: "Don't you dare Ike. Leave me al-" he rammed her out of the way and dropped a bomb in her path. "Oh?" she attempted to drift out of the way and it worked. But Dry Bones accidentally ran into the bomb and blew them both up.
Roy: "Which one of you threw that bomb!?"
Robin: "Everything was fine before you ran into the bomb!" she began driving again when Daisy hit her with a green shell. "Corrin you c-"
Corrin: "To be fair, that was for Roy. But at least I'm not in last."
Link: "Aw, screw the giant Yoshi egg! I was in second!" Link was now in sixth. He was definitely drunk now. "Man that sucks. It reminds me about this video where this chick is carrying this jug of milk and she falls. Milk goes everywhere, splats her shit right up. Painted her better than an inkling, you know what I mean?"
Ike: "Link, what in Sam Hill are you talking about?"
Link: "Well I'm feeling like that right now. Dear gods my hands are sweaty. There's so much hand-cheese on this controller. Yo Marth, you're pretty quiet over there. What'cha doin buddy?"
Marth: "Finishing third lap."
Lucina: "What!? I thought I was doing well!"
Marth: "You're in fourth Lucina. I'm already done. You're doing terrible."
Ike: "Doesn't matter, I'm done now." so he thought. He was drifting across the finish line when a star-powered Bowser blew Baby Rosalina into the sky.
Shulk: "Oooh! You like that shit Ike!? Move outta my way and let me get that second place!" he yelled and popped-off.
Ike: "You bastard! Bowser is so stupid! Man, whatever. I'll take the third place. Goddesses. This game does ruin friendships." he inched over the finish line right before Lemmy could take third.
Shulk: "Oh, poor Ike. I'm sorry."
Ike: "Don't talk to me." Daisy, Dry Bones, Link, then Inkling (girl) passed the finish line in that order.
Robin: "Eighth place. Ike, please don't make me drink." she held his arm and whispered to him. He shrugged.
Ike: "That's not up to me. If it were, I'd say yeah, but you know the rules. You gotta play to win sweetheart. This ain't kindergarten. This is war." she smirked and nodded.
Robin: "Yeah, I figured. That's fine. You guys are going to have me wrecked tomorrow." she poured a shot and swallowed it down. "At least it's not that bad. What time is it?" she asked. Shulk looked down at his watch.
"8:47 pm." Marth scoffed at Shulk for not using Military time. Robin yawned.
"Okay, one more and I gotta go." she replied. Marth nodded.
"I've got to go as well. There is some things I have to take care of in the morning. The bank is trying to use some asinine policy in order to rob me out of money." the hero-king said. Roy smirked.
"Me three. I need to go...uh...do important stuff too...I am also busy."
"Face it Roy," Link started. "You don't and never will have stuff to do. You're like that old lady."
"Okay asshole, screw you too. Pick the stage already."
Ike: "Corrin! I just noticed, you didn't get last place that time! Congratulations!"
Corrin: "Wait, dude, you're right! That's what's up!"
Ike: "Good, now drink up. Don't try to cheat me." Corrin happily took his shot as the stage was chosen.
Shulk: "No. Oh no. Oh no god no. Lucina, why would you pick Rainbow Road? No, I don't want to go…"
Link: "Well spank my ass and call me Susie."
Robin: "Oh come on, really?!"
Marth: "I'm still getting first."
Roy: "Yeah, we'll see."
Not even five minutes later…
Roy: "No! Don't let Yoshi get first! Somebody stop him!" he cried. Inkling (girl) threw a blue shell.
Robin: "Kiss my ass Marth!"
Marth: "Try me!" he skid to a stop and let Roy pass him by.
Roy: "Who's talking now Marth?" the blue shell sped into him at mach speed and blew him out of the galaxy. Yoshi drove forth and skid across the finish line. "Robin you cuck!
Robin: "Hey, you asked for help! Who made this awful course!?"
Ike: "Lucina, this is all your fault. Now I hate Shulk and Marth." Shulk flipped him off while Marth flipped his hair.
Shulk: "Oh my god, finally done." Shulk felt relieved as Bowser passed the finish line. He got third and hadn't drunk a single time during the whole game.
Lucina: "No no no!" she flew off the stage again. "That was your banana peel Corrin! You suck!"
Link: "This controller is so sweaty right now. It's like when that chick spilled mil-"
Ike: "We just went over this dude."
Link: "Whatever dude. But it's like i dropped it in the toilet and put my hands on it before letting it dry. That's how wet this thing is." Roy was making his last lap around. He hadn't realized that when he had passed Marth up that he wasn't on his last lap. So he didn't get second. Baby Rosalina did.
Roy: "Why is the road so curvy! This is hell incarnate!" Roy's phone started ringing. He switched the Joy-con controller to his left hand and dug into his pocket with his right. He was driving like a mad man. "Hello? Oh, hey Palutena! What's up?" he pressed the phone between his ear and shoulder and grabbed the Joy-con with both hands. Marth started laughing.
Marth: "*imitation Palutena* Oh Roy, you're so cute. You mind bringing your sweet body to the front desk? It's time for me to show you the touch of a goddess." he started making kissing noises.
Roy: "Huh? Oh yes, I'll be down there immediately. Okay, I'll see you in a minute." Roy hung up.
Marth: "Wait, that's actually what she said? Damn I'm good."
Roy: "No you dumb bastard. She didn't say anything like that." he threw a couch pillow at him. Inkling (girl) crossed the finish line with Lemmy right on her tail.
Robin: "So close, but yet so far Lucina. Nice try."
Lucina: "Yeah, whatever. Just give me another shot. This is worst than watching a woman spill milk-"
Ike: "Will you guys stop saying that?"
Lucina: "Never, I just thought somebody would have." Dry Bones and Daisy drove past the finish line. Robin set her controller down.
Robin: "Well, that was just the worst. Should of played Mario Party instead."
Marth: "The mother of all friendship enders."
Ike: "Mario Kart is a close second though. Welp, drink up losers." Corrin sighed and took his third shot. He coughed and stood up.
Corrin: "Well, I would say that was fun, buuut...die Marth."
Marth: "Right back at you loser. All of you got your absolutely destroyed. And to add insult to injury, I was using motion controls today the whole time."
Link: "What!? You're lying! You're lying!"
Roy: "No way. Bump this. I'm out. See you guys tomorrow." Roy took his shot and opened the door. As he did, he found Simon standing, preparing to knock.
Simon: "Oh, good evening Roy. Would you all mind keeping it down a notch? Some people have things to do in the morning."
Roy: "Don't even worry about it buddy. We're all done here anyway." he stepped past him and began down the hall, mumbling to himself. "Yeah, I got things to do too. I'm sooooo busy…" As he trailed off, Link stood up and stumbled to the side into Lucina. Simon gently closed the door.
Ike: "Great, they're both drunk. Well, I'm not leading you back to your rooms. Enjoy." he turned the TV off with a remote. Link tried to walk normal but looked like a horse on its back legs. He walked towards the door and tried to push it open.
"Come on you wooden jerk! Open already!" Link was pushing his hardest.
"No-Link. You gotta-dude, just, no. Pu-pull the door Link. LINK. Pull." Ike facepalmed. Robin's head was rested against Ike's shoulder (unintentionally). Lunk, I mean, Link pulled the door open and walked out while waving. Lucina was leaving too when she walked right into the door, thinking it was still open. Marth sighed and stood up.
"Come on Lucina, let's go." He opened the door and drug her out. "See you all tomorrow!" he closed the door behind him. Corrin and Shulk got up and stretched.
"Well, looks like that time of the day. It was fun. Bowser is best, remember the prophecy and you shall live long days." Shulk walked out. "Ciao."
"Careful Ike," he signaled towards Robin. "You know if someone sees or hears about this, it'll be a big deal." Corrin said while heading for the door. He winked at the drowsy Robin resting on Ike's shoulder. Ike rolled his eyes and Corrin closed the door behind him. Although it was early for party times, it was late for work times. And everyone (except Roy) had things to do. Ike gently shook Robin back awake.
"Robin, you fell asleep. Were you planning on heading back to your room?" she looked up at him.
"Meh, five more minutes. You're kinda warm." she scooted closer to him and closed her eyes. Ike shrugged.
"Suit yourself. I just hope Master Hand doesn't find out." he put the lid back on the Jack Daniels and dozed off asleep right with her. If Master Hand were to find out, he'd be furious.
Enjoy? There's always more coming. Make sure to follow in order to stay tuned. Also, leave any comments or criticism in a review or DM me. Man, it feels great to be back. You guys are pretty cool. Pretty King K. Kool if ya know what I mean.
