Hey, guys, it's me the Gamerwhogames! Now, you're probably saying, "Gamer, where have you been? What happened to daily updates?" Well, I've been working on a chapter of Sunshine for the last week, and as you could see, nothing came out. Writer's block is relentless. I decided to work on this instead, something emotional, with drama.
Crisper: Did someone say drama?! (jumps onto nearby stage, suddenly dressed like he's fresh from the 16th century, which isn't so fresh, now that I think about it) To stink, to scream!
Crisper, get down from there before you hurt yourself! You know what happened the last time. Besides, those lines are WAY off, man!
Crisper: But I've always wanted to become a stage-actor. It's so fun dressing up in old, dead folks' clothes and singing every chance I get. Who cares if I get one or two or all the lines wrong? Working backstage is a bore.
But your buttons miss you.
Crisper: (gasps) MY BABIES! (runs back to his desk where he suddenly is wearing normal clothes)
Well, as I said a really, really, really, really, really, REALLY long time ago, I'd be giving you guys better versions of some of the Countdown to 2 stories, so, I've decided to work on "Betrayal". I really appreciate the reviews and love that it got (and I mean that, you guys keep me writing), but that wasn't written the best way. Not trying to down myself or anything (remember, I wrote that on a tough deadline). Today, I need to rewrite it, better it. For those of you who want to know and see how I improved, here are the top five mistakes I made writing that (the results are in the story, of course, but denoted in the end note):
1: Lukas was way too emotional. Was it wrong that he started crying in front of Jesse? Not necessarily, but when you consider that he's being betrayed by who he thought was his friend, he wouldn't want to cry or be vulnerable in front of Jesse, so crying right here is a 'no'.
2: The accusation was way too flexible. So, what if Lukas did press the button? It was probably just curiosity getting the better of him. Unintentional murder is nothing for Jesse to be so cold about.
3: The dialogue and word-choice itself was too simplistic, and there were very few emotional cues. "I didn't do it." He said, clenching his fists. That might convey an angry character, but there are far more effective means.
4: There was no character reflection until the very end. I didn't tell readers exactly what Lukas was thinking during Jesse's accusation, resorting to sweating, heaving chests and clenched fists.
5: Jesse was way out of character! Of course, he's supposed to seem dark and cruel in this edition, but I made him too much so. He was too robotic to be seen as a villain.
I hope I can take care of these mistakes and some more of the less obvious ones, and I hope you can enjoy this, too.
HIT IT, CRISPER!
Crisper: Only if you Ham-let me! (hits it with dramatic flair)
RomeO MY GOODNESS STOP THESE TRAGIC PUNS OR I'LL SHAKE-SPEAR YOU AND YOUR DEATH WON'T BE FAKED LIKE JULIET'S IT'LL BE REAL LIKE ROMEO'S AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ADMIN.
Crisper: (is stunned beyond words and comprehension)
Lukas fiddled with his thumbs as he sat alone at the extravagant dining table. Almost alone, hadn't it been for Ivor lingering behind him. Lukas looked up at the large posters of themselves, their friends and the other strangers in the room that hung from the towering stone-brick walls of the mansion. Two friendly faces crossed out in fresh, red paint that dripped like blood, Ivor's, and eventually Lukas's own to go. The big X's and the long strip of fabric running down the dining table looked more to Lukas like the spilled blood of TorqueDawg and CaptainSparklez. Lukas was certain their odd names would be eternally etched into his mind's eye, as well as the way Torque's face coiled in pain as he was loaded with green, tipped-arrows, or the split-second glistening of Sparklez's terrorized eyes before he was sent to an unusually dry grave of sand. He'd known them for mere minutes. Disorienting.
He squinted around the room, a hall of weariness and impending death. Few friends huddled like gloomy Emperor penguins waiting through a blizzard, their whispers traveling on the icy wind of suspicion. Occasionally a head spouted out of the circle and craned around to look at Lukas, just another murderer with no-good intentions, then it slid back in to deliver more rumors, like a mother regurgitating seafood to her young. It made Lukas glad that Jesse had stepped into the role of leader sooner than these theorists. Then everyone would be the murderer, and no one at all.
The row of chandeliers above the table blued the room with their chilly light and made their shadows do a shivering, demonic dance. Grief and fear stretched their frowns. To Lukas they seemed surreal and exaggerated like emotions in an unnerving horror story. The dull grey of the walls echoed their souls. The exquisite dark-oak chairs and the long dining table loomed across the carpeted floor, which was also that sickening shade of red. The crimson tablecloth was highlighted on the edges with a heavenly golden trim, their only glimmer of hope in the room, the promise of the afterlife.
Lukas envied Petra and Jesse. Jesse was in one of the many libraries of the mansion, interrogating one suspect at a time, likely armed with his trusty diamond-sword. Petra guarded the door from the outside with a watchful eye, Miss Butter and a developed arsenal of parries and thrusts at her disposal. Outside, Lukas had his two hands, hands that had failed to protect him from Aiden's fierce barrage of uppercuts, hooks and shoves, not to mention knees to the ribs and stomach. In the end it was water that had saved him from plummeting to his death, not his own might. What would save him now? What could?
Ivor had jeered at death earlier, but now no one spoke. Silence. It was as if they were already dead. Lukas turned his head when the door to the interrogation-room opened. It was then he noticed the chills and the goosebumps spreading his arms, along with the fist-sized knot twisting away in his stomach. Petra walked down the hall, firmly grasping the cat-fellow's arm. What was it again, Stampy? Lukas couldn't remember for sure, but it sounded right. It was certainly unconventional. How would Stampy die?
"Look, I know, I know, I wasn't being… honest back there, but you can 100% guarantee I'm telling the truth this time around: I am not the murderer. Honest!" He babbled on and on about his innocence. His unusual voice tempted Lukas to poke fun just for the comfort of it, but he held his silence as they re-entered the room. Petra let go of Stampy and walked to the table. Lukas caught Dan and Lizzie's hypocritical glares before they chattered on between themselves. Of course, Stampy darted to join them.
Before Petra could sit with him, bird claws of hands snatched him up by the shoulders and dragged him to his feet, eliciting a yelp from him and Petra. Lukas spun around, a sliver of him expecting to see a crazed Ivor, the whole of him surprised to see the slim Cassie Rose giving him a glare so icy it burned like lava. Just as quickly, she spun him back around, bunching his wrists behind his back. The bones in his wrist pinched the skin together, the sharp stings increasing when he struggled to free himself. Lukas hadn't expected her to be so capable as she shoved him down the walk.
Petra shoved Cassie away and stood in front of Lukas. "Don't touch him!"
"Well, why not? He needs to be interrogated to." She lunged for him, but Petra blocked her with a firm arm. Cassie raised a challenging brow. Lukas studied her face from behind Petra, and the knot in his stomach tightened.
"Wait… you think I'm the—"
"You had a button, Blondie." She investigated his eyes, lips curling with a savage sweetness. "Oh, don't think that just because you're friends with Jesse you're getting out of this easy." She glared Petra's way for good measure, then around to room to instill her dominance. Petra suddenly turned around and grabbed Lukas's arm, dragging him out of the room.
As they walked, Lukas stared at the back of Petra's red hair, waiting for her to say something. She didn't.
"You okay, Petra?" He waited, but she didn't answer, or nod. Didn't even look back. Lukas didn't let it get to him. He knew he couldn't. Someone had to stay positive. He forced a chuckle. "Never thought I'd need to be interrogated by one of my own friends. That was the one thing I'm sure none of us saw coming."
"Me neither."
His stunned legs slowed to a halt. She didn't turn around or tell him to keep walking. They just stood there. His anxious smile grew. "What?" She sulked to him, avoiding his eyes. The knot in Lukas's stomach coiled and he put his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting. He knitted his brows. "Okay… okay…." He breathed deeply. "I get it, maybe Jesse thinks I pushed the button. I didn't, but it seems plausible that he'd—"
"He doesn't just think you pressed the button." It was the first time she met eyes with him since the walk, and the look on her face stilled his heartbeat. His unblinking eyes locked with hers.
"Petra, what does that mean?"
She looked away. "I don't know. I just don't think Jesse sees you as his close friend."
Her vagueness unsettled him, but he knew he'd find out what she meant in seconds. She walked him into the room with Jesse, walked outside, and closed the door. Something in Lukas knew she should've stayed.
The change from the gloomy blue lights in the other room to the blazing, orange fireplace would've been an upgrade if the room didn't feel so chilly. Jesse stood in front of the fireplace, casting a devil of a shadow that spilled across the floor and grew into the wall. Lukas timidly joined him.
"Hey, Jesse."
Jesse's eyes trained on the flames before him. "Lukas." Lukas's eye followed Jesse's hand to a little brown chair on the other end of the room. He looked at Jesse with a raised brow. "Sit." Eyes wide, he went to sit down. Now he realized why the room felt cold.
"Jesse, outside Petra said something about," He trailed off when Jesse drolly turned around, domineering eyes catching his tongue.
"Lukas-"
"Jesse, I didn't press that button. I swear."
Jesse looked to the side, tongue clicking in his cheek. Lukas hoped for the best. Jesse sighed and slowly walked to the other end of the fire, further away from him. "You didn't, did you?" It wasn't a stunning realization in Jesse's voice, one to be followed with a swift apology and a Golem-hug. It wasn't even empathetic. It was cold, hard spite, the first-grade teacher mocking the perpetual liar of the class.
Lukas shifted in his seat, brows furrowed. "No." The master detective studied his suspect's face to the point of unnerve. "Jesse, I hope you don't think—"
"After all that's happened, I'm not sure what to think, Lukas."
He shot up from his seat. "After all that's happened, I think you should!" His tone softened. "Jesse, we've been through a lot together. A lot. You should know me by now." He walked over to Jesse and put his hand on his shoulder. Jesse looked at it like it was a spider and nudged it off. Lukas frowned. "Jesse, I really don't know what's gotten into you."
"And nobody knows what's gotten into your friends."
Lukas's mouth froze an inch open. His shock did nothing to move the stoic warrior before him. Salt burned the edges of his eyes, but he blinked away the moisture before it could stream down his face. Nauseated, he walked away from Jesse and distanced himself in his mind. His first mistake, or apparently his second.
In a rush of pain, hazy images and fresh wounds he saw Gill and Maya cornering Milo, Petra and Ivor, swords drawn and ready to slit the throats of two strangers and a longtime friend. Aiden's sneer as he announced his betrayal to Isa before throwing a Creeper egg at the three of them, knowing full well the damage a Creeper could deal to a man in full armor. Running after Aiden, punching him across the face. The whole world in all its essence punishing Lukas for some hidden sin, judging him for some long-forgotten mistake. The demented, demonic smile on Aiden's face. The shove backwards. Stepping on the ground but feeling nothing but air underneath his foot. Falling straight down. Thinking, knowing, swearing nothing could get worse than this. And then seeing Jesse falling as well.
A loud noise knocked him out of the hearse down memory lane. Maybe it was Jesse yelling his name, telling him to snap out of it. Maybe it was thunder. Lukas wasn't so sure. The memories were like the bruises hidden beneath his jacket. Press in just enough, and you'd reopen the wound in a stab of lasting pain. Jesse was squeezing down on them with his maw. Lukas broke eye contact with his impatient glare as Jesse waited for him to reconnect. Two-moons world to Lukas, two-moons world to Lukas.
"He tried to kill me, too." He wondered if and how Jesse could forget the harrowing murder. Or maybe he didn't. "Jesse, that was one of my best friends who murdered me… tried to, I don't see a difference."
"I know. You two seemed pretty close." He spoke with no emotion and in such simple words, but Lukas knew exactly what he meant. Nausea, regret and betrayal rose in his stomach and he had to take a step back. His wide eyes studied Jesse until they were blurred with tears. He knew this wasn't happening, it can't have been. Maybe he did die when Aiden pushed him over. This must have been the afterlife… but hell? Or maybe he was alive, in a coma, shackled to his worst enemy in a haunting dream that would never end. No. That would've been too merciful. He was in hell, shackled to the demon of betrayal, captivated by a vicious loop in time, horribly alive, dreadfully conscious. Or was he? Jesse was reasonable. Jesse was kind, understanding. Jesse was his friend. Jesse wouldn't do this to him.
Lukas croaked something out, almost giving up for tears. "Jesse… I'm not like him… I'm your friend." His hand burned to touch Jesse again. He'd never wanted a hug more in his life. "We're friends, Jesse."
His eyes begged Jesse's for affirmation. Jesse's brows furrowed. It plucked Lukas's heart. Jesse felt bad, guilty. He knew he was wrong. Lukas allowed himself to feel a lethal dose of hope and Jesse could see it because he saw the twinkle in Lukas's blue eyes and he felt bad for him and frowned and said
"Lukas, we were never really friends."
Numb. He felt numb. It spread through his body until he could only feel his heart throbbing in his chest. He could feel it in his ears. Emptiness began to fill him. How did that work? All he could feel was…
Nothing.
Jesse motioned to the chair again. "Sit down, Lukas, we're wasting time and we need to get on with this."
His sorrow, heavily offset by shock made him light enough to float to his chair and silently seated himself, eyes locked in a truly dead stare. The flames chattered and laughed at his misfortune, and though the thunderstorm outside mourned, its emotion didn't get past the glass windows to bathe Lukas in tears and silence the flames' hellish mockery. Not that Lukas heard any of this anyways.
"How would you rate your Redstone skills, Lukas?" Every breath he took shoved him closer to tears. "Lukas, answer the question. We don't have time to be emotional." Just a few more heaves of his chest and he'd be bawling. The sweet bliss of numbness was gone. He was feeling, emoting. "Lukas," The energy of a scream built in his chest. If he screamed, would he throw up as well? "Lukas!"
"My Redstone skills are basic, Jesse!" He slammed his fist into his thigh.
Jesse thrust a finger at him. "You need to calm down, Lukas. Just answer the questions."
"Oh, so I need to 'calm down'?"
"Yes, you do!" Lukas scoffed and folded his arms with an eyeroll. He struggled to control his rapid panting from the outside. Jesse just didn't get it, did he? He wasn't at the receiving end for this. Of course, he didn't. Jesse didn't know what this was like. He heard a sigh billow through Jesse's lips. Lukas saw him out of the corner of his eye reach behind his back. "Do you kn—"
"I've never seen those stupid arrows in my life, Jesse, and you know that." He kept his voice level, his eyes on the carpet. Jesse put the green tipped-arrow back into his inventory.
"Lukas," there was a change in Jesse's voice. Sympathy. Lukas forced himself to look at him. "I know I'm being harsh on you, but…." He sighed, wondering how to say this to Lukas. "You and… Aiden… you were close friends before you met me, weren't you?" Lukas couldn't answer, but he couldn't lie. His eyes and silence answered for him. "You told me you and the Ocelots shared a house, even when things started going downhill for Aiden and them."
"But that's not me."
"And I want to believe that, but—"
"Well, why don't you?"
Jesse swallowed and looked down at his feet. Lukas's eyes lingered on Jesse's face. "You seemed pretty eager when you suggested we come through this portal."
Lukas froze. His voice caught in his throat. "I thought it was the way home."
"Did you?"
"Yes." Only then, it was a want. Now it had evolved into desperation. Now he wasn't talking about the wooden house he'd built for himself. "Do you really think I planned any of this? I…." he stammered, remembering TorqueDawg and CaptainSparklez. "I don't even know anyone out there."
"You're resourceful."
How he longed to be numb again. A tornado of fury and despair muddled his innards until hot tears streamed down his cheek.
"How long have you been after it, the flint and steel?"
Lukas glared at Jesse through bleary eyes. "I don't want it."
"Are you sure?" Jesse held it in front of Lukas's face, as if testing the self-control of an animal.
"I'm positive." Jesse studied Lukas's eyes a moment more before putting it back into his pocket. He walked back to the fire and stood, Lukas staring tearful daggers from behind.
He motioned to the door. "You're free to go."
Lukas rose to his feet. His head and feet pounded as he plodded to the door. He didn't care to look over his shoulder. Jesse felt no remorse. He was a pointless cause. Friendship was a pointless cause. He swung the door open and strode right past Petra who waited there. She wanted to know what went down in the room. He wanted to be left alone. He dragged himself to the end of the table, ignoring the suspicions of Dan, Lizzie and Stampy, ignoring Cassie's satisfied smirk, even Ivor's brashly-voiced concerns. He dragged a chair out and nearly fell into it. He buried his head in his arms and cried onto the table.
Random fact: Did you know this story was typed on three different computers? My home PC, the Dell at my college lab, and the Apple Mac at my animation class. Also, throughout the part where Jesse was trying to sympathize with Lukas in the end, I was listening to funky, happy songs like Siriusmo's "Itchy" and "Congratulator", along with cheery Mexican music. Weird, huh? On the other hand, I tried to tone it down with the eerie, sickening "Even Care" from Petscop. The song itself sounds nice, but when you make the mistake of watching the series and checking out the theories, the cheer becomes drear.
I'm gonna have to do this author's note alone, because while you were reading someone decided to run off and enroll in an acting college. It's not that I have anything against Crisper following his dreams, but acting just isn't for him. So, a few years back we had this really important Christmas Nativity play, but he forgot literally all of his lines and barely survived the play as a pun-cracking wiseman (wiseguy is far more fitting) who had no idea what was going on, even down to the basics. Instead of applauding at the end, the audience (or what was left of it) groaned instead. In short, the director was not pleased. Did I forget to say we were performing for the late President Abraham Lincoln? He thought it was terrible, and thanks to Crisper, he said he's never time-traveling to our dimension again! Isn't that somethin'.
But there you have it! The very first "Countdown" revamp. I hope you enjoyed this story and can see the improvements I've made. Speaking of those, here's the Top 5s explained.
1: To curb some of Lukas's emotions, I had him withhold from crying until the end when he was out of Jesse's sight. When he did show emotion, I made sure it was there for a reason, not just throwing in tears, yelling or crying to prove he was sad for the sake of it.
2: Reasoning that Jesse could only be justifiably angry if Lukas intended the deaths, that's what I went with. Planning to go to the portal seemed like the way to go. Jesse's accusation was extreme, and it might not make sense to anyone (really, how could Lukas plan this?), but that's what I felt like doing. It's way better than the original button-accusation.
3: I tried to fix that cut-and-dry dialogue problem by sandwiching the words with thoughts, gestures and visceral responses. It really gives the reader insight to the characters, helps with character-world interaction, and basically eases readability. I hope.
4: In addition to working on the way I denoted Lukas's emotions, I also gave him a flashback to spur the story on, and wrote about his thoughts throughout the accusation. How do you think the story would be if I just defaulted to "his chest heaved and his hands curled into fists", but didn't tell you how he felt or why he was doing that? Show, don't tell doesn't always apply to depicting a character's thoughts or emotions, and sometimes we need to tell readers what a character thinks to get the point across.
5: I fixed Jesse's roboticism (is that a word?) by having him actually show guilt and pain. Maybe Jesse really hated Lukas in that moment, but he wasn't going to go through the whole ordeal without expressing a pinch of remorse and empathy. I just didn't have him cave in. Think like a judge about to lay down a sentence, "I understand, but you're going to jail". Human, but firm.
Well, I hope you all learned something today about the rewriting process, those of you who read the Top 5. Have a nice week, and I hope to get back into the spirit of daily uploads. Close it, Crisper!
…
Oh, right. He's off making a mockery of every playwright in the history of mankind.
(closes it myself)
