Disclaimer: Hideaki Anno is a poofter.

The name's Shaun "Shithead Shauno" Ivers. I like bustin' heads, smokin' ciggies, drinkin' VB and rootin' sheilas. I'm what most would call an "alpha male." I don't take shit from any bloke. Ya get on me bad side and I'll put me foot where the sun don't shine.

A few years ago, me dad abandoned me after his main squeeze up and croaked. I was pretty young and me memories a' that sheila ain't all that great. Why would I call me mum "that sheila," you ask? Because I hardly remember her, I already made that clear. Whatever, Shithead Shauno don't need parents. I've lived in the outback for as long as I can remember, I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with me head, me fists, or me dick.

Well, back to the present. I'd just recently arrived in a place called Sydney-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met some purple-haired slut. Probably gonna pump and dump her when I get some free time. She drove me to the headquarters of an organization called NERV. Ya see, me dad runs the joint. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.

Before I forget, you're probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if ya weren't, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. Me hair's sandy blonde, styled in a mullet. I wore a green cork hat, as well as some aviator sunglasses. There was a scar on me left cheek from a broken beer bottle. Got in a pub brawl a few years back. No worries, what happened to the cunt who glassed me was a lot worse.

Over me tanned torso was a blue singlet and draped over me shoulders the Aussie flag. As for me legs, they were covered by me black bathers. Oh, I was also wearin' blue thongs. Sorry I took so long explainin' all that shit, but ya gotta know how I looked. Wouldn't want ya to think I was some scrawny cunt wearin' a school uniform or somethin'.

The purple-haired bimbo, Michelle was the sheila's name I think, got lost. What a dumb slut, am I right? Eventually we ran into some other bimbo with obviously dyed blonde hair. Was she tryin' to impress me dad with that? Talk about desperate. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.

Dr. Richards, the fake blonde bimbo, turned the lights on revealin' a bloody huge robot. Oh, and me dad in some observation room. "Oi dad, cut the bullshit. Just gimme the skinny, why am I here?" I asked, not even botherin' to hide how pissed I was. This was cuttin' into me personal time.

"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."

"Ya mean that giant, purple robot? Why the fuck would I do that, dad? I got bigger prawns to fry." I pulled out a ciggy and lighter from one a' me pockets. After lightin' it, I noticed some glares from the bimbos. "What? Do ya have a no smokin' policy? Me dad runs this place, I can do what I bloody well want."

"We're more concerned over the fact that you're underaged." Michelle explained. "So, you're fine with me pilotin' some bleedin' robot to fight a genocidal monster, but ya draw the line at smokin'? Ya need to get your priorities in check." I smirked at their irritated faces. They were all looks and no brains. Dad probably kept 'em around for quick roots, the ol' horndog.

Dad spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shaun. Either agree to pilot or leave. You're wasting both our time."

"Stop bein' a whingy cunt, dad. I might agree to help ya, but what's in it for me?"

"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."

"That ain't gonna cut it." I removed the ciggy from me mouth. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"

Dad sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Blair. You're as worthless as ever, Shaun."

I lowered me shades to return the glare. "Get fucked, mate." I brought the ciggy to me mouth again, then put me hands in me pockets. I wanted to see this Blair fella. Size 'em up, see if they were as bonzer as me. What surprised me was she was just a teenage sheila, and she was on a hospital bed all wrapped up in bandages.

I won't fib, I wanted to root her. But I have me own rules of etiquette; I don't make passes at sheilas in intensive care. That's just weird, plus they can't really perform well. One thing I could say for sure though, if she recovered, I'd be all over that ass. Shortly after she was wheeled in, there was an earthquake; apparently caused by some monster terrorizin' the city. The Blair girl fell off her bed and I went to catch her, bein' the great bloke that I am.

"You're really gonna send a little crippled girl to fight your battles, dad? Ya daft cunt." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Dad asked.

"If she's me replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's ass. I ain't a coward like you, dad." I then put out me ciggy with me tongue, threw it on the floor, and stomped it. No monster, no matter how big, was a match for Shithead Shauno.

We went through some preliminary bullshit that isn't really worth explainin'. After that I was sent up an elevator, and met face to face with the monster, or "angel" as these people called it. Didn't look like no angel to me. Looked kinda like a plague doctor or somethin'. Closin' me eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.

"Standing at the limit of an endless ocean, stranded like a runaway, lost at sea. City on a rainy day down in the harbour, watching as the grey clouds shadow the bay. Looking everywhere 'cause I had to find you, this is not the way that I remember it here. Anyone will tell you it's a prisoner island, hidden in the summer for a million years."

With that said and done, me eyes shot open, and I shouted: "Great Southern Land!" I'm a devout Icehouse fan I should have ya know. "Alright, enough a' that. Listen up, Sydney-3! Shithead Shauno's here to kick some angel ass!"

Because I'm such a mad cunt, me "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was bloody impressive. I rushed up to that angel fucker and shivved him with me knife. Little bitch just screamed and tried to attack, but it was too slow. I dodged every move it made and lunged at its core, a red orb thingy.

"From hell's heart, I stab at thee, ya bloody cunt!" As ya can tell, I'm a pretty well-read bloke. I stabbed it a few times and the thing continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.

Strewth! Talk about a rough day at work.


Yank Translation Guide:

Poofter: Faggot

VB: Victoria Bitter

Root: Fuck

Sheila: Lady

Singlet: Sleeveless shirt

Bathers: Swimsuit, in the context of this chapter, specifically swimming trunks

Thongs: Flip flops

Prawn: Shrimp

Strewth: God's truth