A/N: So, confession time... I started this story almost four years ago. I keep trying to use it as a Big Bang, but always end up dropping out because I lack the motivation to complete it. I am hoping that if I go ahead and post what I have written that the reviews and kudos will encourage me to complete it. In all of the many stories I have written, I have not had one pull from my soul the way this one has. I hope it will touch and encourage you the way it has me and that the perfect ending will come to me. WARNING- Blindness, alcoholism, and anti-Jessica Moore! If any of these things bother you, don't read. And if you do, don't comment. You were warned.

Special thanks to my beta, Crystal


The Dazzling Darkness

Chapter One : Gabriel


She had been washed, buffed, and waxed until she looked new. At least, that's what the guy at the car detail place had said. To Gabriel, his cherry red 1969 mustang convertible was little more than a car-shaped red blob. It could have all kinds of small dents or scratches and he would never know.

The Red is wrong.

The thought came out of nowhere and he had to push down the panic that accompanied it and take a deep breath. He could do this. He had to! Because if he couldn't, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

"We should take a picture, so I don't forget..." he muttered to his brother who huffed in what was meant to be annoyance, but Gabriel could almost feel the waves of sorrow and helplessness coming off of the younger man.

His brother was the only family Gabriel had left. Castiel was actually his half-brother. They shared the same father not the same mother, which meant Castiel would never have to go through this...

He shook his head and reached for the keys. It took two tries, but he eventually got them out of the hand of the guy who had detailed her. Gabriel knew the guy was probably giving Castiel a concerned look, but his brother just shook his head.

Gabriel ran his hand along the smooth, glossy surface of the car, committing the feel to memory. Sounds and feelings were the only things he could take with him. Besides, if he tried seeing too much he was just reminded of how wrong the colors were, and how close that darkness that had been chasing him for the last decade was to catching up to him.

Castiel allowed him to slide behind the wheel and savor the moment before sliding in beside him. Gabriel knew his brother was trying not to be too obvious about how close he had to sit next to him, but any observers would think they were lovers and not brothers. Gabriel didn't care. Though neither brother said it aloud, they both knew this would be the last time Gabriel would ever drive.

They took the long way, traveling well under the speed-limit until they got out of the city limits where the roads were clear, tall pine trees dotted the landscape and the speed-limit was almost non-existent. Castiel's leg pressed right up against his, ready to break if needed, blue eyes vigilant on the open road looking for obstacles Gabriel would miss, one hand lingering near the steering wheel, but not touching it.

Gabriel let out a whoop and pushed the gas pedal to the floor, delighting in the roar of the engine, the wind in his hair, and the sound of his brother's startled, yet joyful laughter as they careened down the road. He stubbornly pushed all reminders of this being the last time out of his mind and allowed himself to bask in this last bout of freedom.

Two hours later they reached their destination. It was inevitable, and he'd known for weeks now that this moment would come, it didn't stop the tears though. He parked in front of the medical office building and sat staring at the blurry steering wheel that blurred even more as the silent tears fell. Castiel squeezed his shoulder and pushed a tissue into his hands before slipping out of the car.

Gabriel allowed himself a moment to grieve, but just a moment. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose and joined Castiel outside.

He whispered a quiet 'thanks' and bumped his shoulder against his brother's.

"Mister?" a young voice called out.

He turned toward the sound and a young man that smelled of stale sweat walked up to him holding some kind tool in his hand. Well, it could have been a weapon for all Gabriel could see, but the voice had been respectful so he sensed no danger.

"Can I clean your windshield for you?" He asked, hopefully.

Gabriel frowned, "I just had it detailed."

Castiel chuckled. "You just got it dirty again," he explained in his deep gravely voice.

Gabriel huffed and shook his head then turned to the kid. "How much?"

"Five dollars."

Gabriel nodded and pointed up at the building. "I have an appointment, but I'll pay when I get out."

"No hurry. I'll be here for a while," the kid said, getting to work. Gabriel tossed him the keys. Do the inside too and I'll pay you twenty," he said.

"Yes sir!"

Gabriel turned and placed a hand on his brother's elbow so that Castiel could lead him into the building. He could probably manage on his own, but as his eyes were swollen from crying he decided not to risk it. He didn't want to fall and break something.

"Are you sure handing the keys over was wise? He looked homeless..."

Gabriel snorted. "What's the worst that can happen? He steals it? It's not like I'll be needing it anymore."

"It's in really good condition, Gabriel. You could probably get a lot for it," Castiel pointed out.

His brother was really just making conversation though. The truth was that as the only surviving members of Novak family, they had inherited a fortune. They had more money than they would ever be able to spend in their lifetimes, not that Gabriel hadn't tried.

It had been almost ten years since he began to suspect that he had inherited a degenerative eye disease known as Retinitis Pigmentosa. His mother had had the affliction, so he had known that there was a possibility he could have it as well. The symptoms started with peripheral and night vision issues and slowly progressed until all sight would be gone. His mother had died before she went completely blind and in his darkest moments he envied her that. It had started with headaches and vertigo for him. His mother had been diagnosed when she was fifteen. Gabriel had thought he was safe when he made it to his twenty-fifth birthday, but then the symptoms started.

Afraid of what the symptoms meant, he had thrown himself into the party scene. The best hotels, hot meals, and hookers that money could buy. He gambled away over a million dollars, over-tipped valets, waitresses, and masseuses. All of that still didn't put a dent in his bank account, but it didn't matter. All the money in the world could not stop the darkness from taking over his sight. The anxiety became so bad that he drank like it was going out of style just to get some sleep, but stayed away from hard drugs as he was worried about the effects they might have on his slowly dwindling vision.

Six months ago he woke up in a hospital with alcohol poisoning, Castiel by his side. He hadn't done more than talk to his brother on the phone a few times in the last ten years and was surprised to see him. Then the doctor came in and gave him his official diagnosis. Gabriel had been pissed.

"Really doc? Is it standard to check for genetic eye disorders when a patient is brought in for drinking too much?" he had demanded, glaring at the pitying look the doctor had given him.

After the doctor left, Gabriel had raged at Castiel. He yelled, threw things, caused several thousand dollars of damages, or at least that's what the hospital's attorney had said. Castiel took it all silently and when Gabriel had finally fallen to the floor, too exhausted to even cry, had wrapped his brother in his arms and just held him.

Gabriel had gone home with Castiel then, allowing his younger brother to take care of him. He still drank quite a bit, but the partying and hookers had stopped. Gabriel spent most of his time watching the plasma television. Stupid old movies, vibrantly colored new shows that were made to be seen in HD, and some home videos of when they had been children and had their whole lives ahead of them.

Castiel tried to get him out, and occasionally would succeed in weekend trips to a beach somewhere. Gabriel had no interest in dating though, and was surprised to find that Castiel didn't either. His brother admitted that he didn't feel attraction the way most people did and it had been a very long time since he had crossed paths with anyone who he felt worth the time to get to know better.

Gabriel had called him a snob, but had enjoyed contemplating his brother's issues. If nothing else, it let him think about something other than himself for a little while.

Gabriel had turned thirty-five two days ago and was about to take the monthly eye exam that would tell him how much percentage of sight remained in each eye. Last month it had barely been enough for him to keep his driver's license, and he knew it had gotten worse since then.

An hour later he walked out of the building in a daze. Castiel remained silent, but would occasionally give his arm a slight squeeze reminding him that he was not alone. Gabriel was too lost in his own thoughts to appreciate it though. He had been right, the doctor had told him that he was now legally blind and would be unable to drive.

For whatever reason, it was this one thing that suddenly made everything real.

"Cassie, why don't you go on to the restaurant? I'll just pay the kid and meet you there in a few minutes," he suggested.

Castiel tensed. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Gabe."

Gabriel pulled his arm away from his brother and tried to give him a confident look.

"It's just down the sidewalk, no streets to cross. I'll be fine. Please, Cassie. I need this," he pleaded.

Castiel sighed and nodded. "Alright. You've got five minutes, but then I'm coming to look for you," he warned.

"Ten," Gabriel said raising and eyebrow in challenge.

"Okay, ten then," he agreed and walked away.

The kid approached him slowly.

"All done, Mister," he said, waving a hand at the car proudly.

Gabriel pulled out his wallet and paused when his fingers brushed the paper that was not money. He quickly remembered what it was and tilted his head at the kid speculatively.

"How old are you?"

"I'm seventeen, Sir."

Gabe nodded. "And do you have a car?"

The kid shook his head.

"No. I got my driver's license though. Dad has a car and I take it to get groceries when we have the money... when dad actually goes to work," the rest was said with a bit of resentment.

Gabriel pulled out the paper, which happened to be the title of the car. He asked the kid his name and with only a little difficulty thanks the bright sunshine, signed the car over to him.

"You do what you want with it, kid. I'd recommend selling it and getting away from your dad. Go to college or something, but that's your choice," he said, handing the paper over with one of the bills from his wallet. He didn't carry twenties, and hadn't received change for anything in a very long time so it was most likely a hundred dollar bill.

"Mister? Why would you give some dirty kid you just met a car?" The kid asked in awe.

Gabriel shrugged. "I don't need it. Might as well give it to someone who does."

And with that Gabriel turned and headed to the restaurant, the loud 'thank you's' of the kid following him.


Gabriel wore a small smile as he casually strolled down the walk toward the restaurant. The sun was shining brightly overhead, illuminating the passersby and he could actually see the smile on an old man's face as he nodded at Gabriel.

He reached the restaurant and went inside. For a terrifyingly blind moment he stumbled in panic, catching himself on the wall, and squeezing his eyes shut. When he opened them, he let out an audible sigh of relief as his vision, poor though it may be, had returned. It had been so bright outside and was so dim in the restaurant even someone with healthy eyes would have needed a moment to adjust.

There was no way he would be able to recognize Castiel though, so he moved to the center of the restaurant, hoping his brother would see him. He did pick out Castiel's deep voice and turned in that direction.

Castiel was talking with a couple of people. Gabriel made his way over to them.

"This is my brother, Gabriel. Gabe, this is Mrs. Tran and her son Kevin," Castiel introduced when he arrived.

Gabriel tried to keep the surprise off of his face. It wasn't like Castiel to strike up conversations with strangers. Suddenly, something warm and furry brushed up against his leg and he only barely managed to hold back a squeak of surprise. They had a dog with them.

"They were just telling me about this special program that Kevin is involved with through his high school. They raise and do basic training for dogs that will eventually become service dogs," his brother explained. Gabriel could hear the excitement in his voice but didn't quite understand.

"Service dogs? You mean like for the military or the police?" He asked.

"Well, we actually do it for Winchester Ranch. They train dogs to help people with disabilities. If you qualify to be part of the program, you get to take a puppy home. We meet three times a week at the ranch to learn how to do basic dog training like house breaking, sit, stay, heel, etc. At the end of the year we are tested with our dog to determine our grades. The dogs then go on for additional training with professionals to get them ready to help a disabled person," Kevin explained.

Gabriel now understood why Castiel was excited.

"Well, that's great kid. It was a pleasure to meet you both," he told them, knowing that he sounded slightly annoyed but couldn't help it.

"C'mon Cassie, let's eat already," he insisted and tugged at his brother's arm.

"Thanks for the card, Mrs. Tran. I won't keep you from your lunch any longer," Castiel said and took Gabriel by the arm to steer him toward a booth in the back corner of the restaurant.

"Gabe..."

"No. End of discussion."

Castiel huffed, but let the subject drop.

The booth was beside two windows that had the blinds shut tight. His brother opened them and Gabriel sucked in a breath. The natural light hit his brother's deep blue eyes, making them sparkle.

It was the right Blue. A Blue he had missed. A Blue he would miss again.


The house was nice. It was a new, one-level with large ceiling to floor windows that let in as much natural light as possible. Almost every light bulb in the house had a dimmer switch and Gabriel enjoyed having so much control over the lighting. The furniture was sparse and spread out with wide aisles and walkways that would make maneuvering around them much easier. It was also a two minute walk from Castiel's house that had nothing but an empty grass field between the two. Already Castiel was having a path filled with concrete and a metal railing erected that could guide Gabriel quickly to his brother if the need should ever arise. Even in complete darkness, Gabriel would be able to make it without hurting himself. It was the best compromise the two brothers could come up with.

As much as they loved each other, they were both used to living alone. With each passing week Gabriel's sight diminished a little bit more and he was losing more and more independence. At least now he could have his own space close enough to his brother if he needed help.

"The kitchen is stocked, the cleaning lady will be here on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday starting out. If it needs to be more often we can increase it..."

"I'm sure it will be fine, Cassie."

Castiel paused just looking at him for a moment. "I should stay tonight in the guest room."

"No."

"But Gabe..."

"No. I have to do this myself. It's important to me," he pleaded and smiled at his brother's defeated sigh.

"Fine. You have your phone?"

Gabe nodded, and pulled it out of his back pocket.

"Keep it on you at all times," Castiel said.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, mother."

After a few pointless reminders and platitudes Castiel finally left.

Gabriel made his way to the kitchen and was able to microwave a frozen dinner, eat it and clean up after himself unassisted.

After that, he wasn't sure what to do. It was summer time so all of the good TV shows were on hiatus and to be honest he had watched so much television in the past six months he was kind of tired of it. His eyes were too bad to read more than a few sentences and he hadn't learned braille... yet. He poured himself a glass of wine and very slowly made his way through the house. The first of the three bedrooms was his, the second was the guest room, and the third was an office/storage room.

He figured it was the perfect time to go through some old things and decide what he wanted to keep. Most of the boxes were filled with photos, trinkets, and mementos. He quickly found that wine plus memories made for a very depressing evening. The last thing he found before giving up on sorting was his old easel, some blank canvases and acrylic paints.

In high school he had an art teacher who encouraged his painting. Once he realized that he probably had the same eye affliction as his mother, Gabriel put the paints away and tried to forget them.

He finished off his wine and set up the easel with a blank canvas. He mixed the paints as well as he could in the darkening light and tried to recreate one of his favorite memories with the paint. A beach trip his family had taken when Gabriel was twelve and Castiel was ten. It was the last vacation that their entire family took while everyone was still alive and well. Gabriel had awoken before the dawn, wanting to watch the sunrise from the beach. It was the most beautiful and amazing thing he had ever seen.

The brilliant sight of dawn's first light caressing the aquamarine waters and casting colors of gold and pink across the sky was something he never thought he could forget. But he suddenly couldn't remember the blue correctly. He just knew that the blue paint he mixed was not right.

It's the wrong Blue.

The thought led to an involuntary shaking. Gabriel stumbled through the new house, completely forgetting where everything was. The wide walkways and lack of clutter were no help as Gabriel still managed to bruise his shins and trip on unseen things. He made his way to the liquor cabinet and drank whatever was within reach until the shaking stopped.

Gabriel was awakened the next morning by Castiel slapping him so hard he was sure his brother's hand print would be forever indented into his face. Castiel was terrified and furious, sobbing like Gabriel was dead. Bewildered, Gabriel looked around and tried to focus on the blurry mess that was once a pristine house. Hangovers always did make his vision worse.

His canvas had been painted completely black and there was paint and debris everywhere on the walls, floors and furniture.

"Sorry, Cassie. Yesterday was tough, I drank too much... I didn't even know what I was doing..."

Castiel pointed a trembling finger at an empty bottle of sleeping pills on the bathroom sink and a half-empty glass of water next to it and Gabriel gasped as he remembered that moment from the night before.

"No, Castiel! I would never... I didn't... I dumped them down the sink!" He insisted quickly.

Castiel looked at him, eyes filled with a hurt that the bright morning light illuminated to even his hungover blurred vision.

"You thought about it."

Gabriel hung his head.

"Yes. For a split second I thought it would be easier. It was a weak moment, Cassie. And the thought left as fast as it came. Even as down and drunk as I was I couldn't go through with it. I was just... I am just scared," He confessed.

"Me too," Castiel said and they held on to each other and cried.

End Chapter 1


A/N: Chapter two will be posted this weekend, unless I get so many reviews I justt can't help but post early...