Zelda 3: A Parody

girl's voice Please...please someone save me... the evil wizard... has done something to the other girls.. please...

What th....who's this stupid bitch wakin me up? Save you? Evil wizard? Tell this dumb pimp to use more KY jelly next time. Now...where was I.. oh yeah... Oh yeah baby.. come on... up and down.. give it to daddy.. yeahhhh... Hey..HEY!! What the hell you doing old man?! What? You have to go save the princess... fine. You wake me up to tell me your saggy ass is gonna attempt to go save the princess. That's great, that's just friggin marvelous. DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE TWO RUPEES?!. Oh well. It's only about 3 AM. Let's see here. trips over a stool Ah my friggin leg! Geezuz that's gonna leave a mark! What's this? A latern. Stupid old fool goes out in the dead of night without the latern... real genius... ug...

What the hell? It's POURING out here! And all I got is a green shirt and hat, and this stupid latern! What the HELL am I supposed to do with a goddamn latern in the pouring rain! Ugh! Fine.. Seeing as how I've never been outta the house before I have NO idea where I'm going... and this Hyrule is just as big as the next! Well okay.. let's see... guards guards and more guards... WHY THE FUCK DO I BOTHER?! Wait, if I can squeeze in here... OWW OWWWWW!!! MY FRIGGIN EAR!! That's smarts! Ugh.. now how the hell am I supposed to get in.. wait..this bush moves.. it moves and falls into huge pit OH GEEZUZ KRISTE! I'm falling... oh fuck... I'm falling... OOOOWWWWWW!!! For the love of the friggin moblins somebody stop the pain!!! I've been out of the house 5 minutes and I'm half dead already. I only have 3 hearts people!!

Hm? My uncle... he's just about had it... what's that unk? Zelda is my... my. My what? My sister? My Destiny? My fuckin' two-bit ho?! Tell me you stupid sack of shit!! Ah well, he's dead. Better make off with his goods....

Ok, I'm in.. now where do I go? Hey back off metal balls! I'm walkin here! I'm walkin here! Ok, I just go down here... and down.. and....mother of god... down some more.. finally I'm at the bottom and WHOA!! Massive knight swinging a mace with a spiked ball the size of my freakin head over here! What the hell are you doing?! You fuckin moron! You couldn't hit the broad side of your grandmother's ass! I'll just shove my sword through your throat and open the door...

Well hello there... Mmm-mm... well aren't you pretty.. let's see, blonde, blue, and boobs. Yeah, you meet the requirements. Let's go babe. What? You're happy I came? Damn babe, you haven't seen NOTHIN yet...

Oh now this is great.. this is just friggin great.. I gotta run through a rat infested sewer with this chick on my tail and all I have is a stupid latern! Oh well.. I guess I can use... what the hell is that? You got a flashlight... a FLASHLIGHT?! It's the middle of the friggin dark ages and you got a goddamn FLASHLIGHT?! Where the HELL did you get that?! No no... don't answer.. at this point I don't give an octorock's balls one way or the other..

Ok.. FINALLY..we're at the chapel.. .oh joy.. another old and dying fool. Okay well yeah yeah, nice meeting you all.. Make sure you leave that passage to the sewers open.. I'm sure we can make use of those dark and secluded areas real soon...