Thanks so much to the wonderful Biff McLaughlin for her wonderful beta and ideas! It is greatly appreciated! I sincerely hope that you all enjoy.

x ~ X ~ x

Inevitably it happens; whether you like it or not, things change. You hope for the best. I mean, who wouldn't? But often, the best is just exactly what it is … wishful thinking or what you hope for and nearly always never get. My story is difficult at best. Good times, bad times, let's just say that there were a lot of bad times, but these are what make you grow, even make you stronger; or so they say. Funny that. I've always wondered exactly who they are? Haven't you? Anyway, that's the way of life for all people, I guess. But I will say that I do feel content with where my story led me, for good and ill. There are things I may have changed could I have rewound time to do so, but I have to wonder if I would have met the same end? Somehow I don't think so, since after all, we are the sum total of all experiences and decisions we have made throughout our too short lives, are we not? Perhaps one different decision could have changed everything for better or for the worst. I think I've had about enough of the worst for one lifetime, but it's still certainly something to think on at least. This is the story of all of my life's twists and turns, no matter how small and insignificant they may have seemed, or how large and profound they appeared to be. My life, me, formally known as Isabel or as I've been known by those closest to me, the very ones who ended up shaping my life every bit as profoundly as I had shaped theirs, Izz, Izzy and occasionally even Shep. Only once was I known as Lola, but let's just forget that ever happened. I wasn't always the commander you know. Once a long time ago, I was just a happy, young girl with things to do and people to see. Let's see where hoping for the best and Fate landed me.

x ~ X ~ x

Isabel Shepard stood in front of the mirror, freshly showered with a days' worth of sweat and weariness washed away. It was 6:30pm, and even though she'd been up since 4 am, she still wanted to spend time with her friends here in town. It was a Friday night after all and tomorrow planting season started. There would be no way to get away for the next week or two to just hang out. She looked at her thick, red, shoulder length hair and let out a dramatic sigh as she started to French braid it quickly. It didn't do anything she wanted, dry or wet. The braid was usually the easiest solution. Still looking in the mirror, she took in her white tank top, loose fit jeans that probably actually did more for her shape than anything tight and skinny would have and herself in general. Not the most enticing teenager on Mindoir that was for sure, but she liked to think she at least had a good sense of humor. With her telltale crooked grin, she sat down long enough to slip her feet into her favorite grungy looking hiking boots, not even bothering to tie them as she left the locker room of the martial arts center where she took wushu classes.

"I'm outta here, Big D, and the women's locker room is clear," she called out loudly as she headed towards the front door.

"Oh, Izz… thanks for helping with the two new students. Not sure why you still come here since you already know there isn't any more I can teach you, but having you here to assist is a big help," her instructor, Derek, said as he swept a hand through his black hair and grinned.

And there it was, that sexy grin. Well, that's what she and every other female in the class called it; but never when he was within hearing of course. It made knees wobble and melt, like hers, right now. Those big brown puppy dog eyes you could fall into didn't help either. She felt her own lopsided grin in answer. "No problem, big D," Izzy said with a shrug. "I always learn more when we spar, anyway… much as I'd love to stay and chat; I have places to go and people to see." She was walking out the door backwards as she gave him a mock salute to his chuckle. After she turned to walk away, she couldn't help thinking that staying to talk more with Derek would definitely not have been a bad thing. She still wasn't entirely used to him teaching since his father retired, but it sure was nice to be able to ogle him every day. Still, she did have plans, sort of. She did turn and look back to see he was leaning against the door with his arms crossed watching her, and with another of her grins she waved at him, turned again and started a slow lazy lope towards where she was meeting her friends.

x ~ X ~ x

Izzy came bounding through the door of the little café where they had decided to meet. "Hey guys," she greeted the guy and girl waiting on her, even as she grabbed Mike in a headlock and rubbed her knuckles across his head.

"Damn it, Izz… cut it out," Mike said as they all started laughing and he swiped her away with his arm.

"Spoil sport," she razzed as she ruffled Mike's chestnut colored hair one last time and sat down to finally tie the laces on her boots. "Brittany! About time you could join us. I swear you're always babysitting that kid," Izz added with her lopsided grin.

"Yeah yeah… Shepard. Coming from you that is pretty funny. Not like you're not running, working on that farm, or in doing that karate stuff when you're not in school," Britt smiled even as she chided. "I do have to go soon, though. You know … the whole babysitting thing. Talitha is a cute kid. I really don't mind so much." After some hesitation she added, "How did you do on the heraldry genealogy thing we had to research for class?"

"Fair enough," Izz admitted with a chuckle. "The heraldry thing… well, the Shepard coat of arms is white and red and not very ascetically pleasing. Not to my eye anyway. It had this cool phrase in Latin though, 'fide en virtute' which means 'by fidelity and valour'." She gave a shrug and a somewhat serious look. "I could think of worse words to live by. I added a picture of the coat of arms and traced my father's genealogy back to England in the 1600's. My mother obviously comes from an Irish background…" she said as she rolled her eyes and made a sweeping motion with arms in acknowledgement of herself. Red hair, pale skin that doesn't tan easily, freckles and green eyes. "I got an A, how about you guys?"

Everyone traded grades and Izzy finally had to ask, "I thought Erik and Tami were meeting us here too. What happened to them?"

Britt winced before speaking quietly to avoid being overheard by others around them. "He and Tam had a real row today … seriously bad. They split, again."

"Huh." Isabel grunted as she stood up and stretched. "Aren't all their rows sort of serious? They fight more than I do in my wushu class." She grinned at Mike as he chuckled in agreement before adding, "Let's walk Britt to her sitting job and see what else there is to do cool?"

x ~ X ~ x

After dropping Britt off at her babysitting job, Mike suggested that they go see who was at the park in the middle of town so they headed that way laughing joking and overall having fun. But suddenly out of the blue Mike surprised her. "Why don't you date, Isabel?"

"Uh … well … where the hell did that come from, Mike? And since when do you talk about that kind of stuff? And since when do you get all serious on me and use my given name?" Izz couldn't help but look at him like he was an alien. "I thought you and Britt were doing great together and besides, I'm not into blond, blue eyed guys or even light brown and hazel eyed guys for that matter. I know you've heard Britt, Tam, and I talk."

Mike just shook his head and rolled his eyes. "That's exactly my point, Izz."

With a heavy sigh Izz rubbed her forehead as she thought, 'Oy vey, why me?' before pinching the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "Ok, Mike… hit me with it and just get it over with, alright?"

"You know Derek watches you during class, don't you? He's only 4 years older than you, Izz, and he's got to be right up your ally… those dark looks and all…"

Izz cut him off, "Of course he watches me. He watches everyone, idiot, he's our instructor. Besides he spends more one on one time with Lisbeth, or hadn't you noticed? He's not interested in a long legged weedy average looking girl like me when he could have that one. She's beautiful." After a pause, she added in a pained tone, "You know … I really don't want to talk about this. Can we just change the subject and forget this conversation ever happened?" Mike had touched a nerve; she knew that he probably knew it too.

"Sure, Izz," he added gently. "Just think about it…" He sat next to her on the park bench and with a jerk knocked his shoulder playfully into hers. He was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief that he had been forgiven his intrusion when she bumped her shoulder back into his with a grin.

"Since it's only us, you feel like sparring for a bit?" Izz asked as she wiggled her eyebrows playfully at him.

"Yeah, but only if you promise not to kick my ass, woman. I've seen you spar with Big D remember," he said with a laugh.

They sparred for a couple hours, mostly goofing around, but Izz gave him some direction and ideas for smoother flow and better blocks.

"Do I get to join in or is this a closed circle?" asked a warm deep voice that sent shivers down her spine.

Even as Izz heard the voice behind her she saw Mike grin. Big D…. Derek. What was he doing here? Izz turned slowly, even as she felt her face redden because of Mike's earlier comments. "Uhm … sure, you can join in. Why don't you show Mike what he's doing wrong. He doesn't listen to me." Izz sat down on the park bench and watched as Derek eyed her curiously. For half an hour Derek sparred and worked with Mike before he suddenly laughed. It was a deep, warm, full bodied sound that sent a shiver of pleasure down her spine.

"I don't think he listens to me either, Izz. We'll have to show him," he said as he walked over to the park bench and pulled her off it by her hand, not letting go until he had her in their make shift sparring circle. "Let's show him how it's done."

Isabel and Derek stood in the middle of the circle, outside edge of their right feet touching, in a ready stance, putting them nearly sideways to each other. They both had more weight on the back foot even as they held their left hand in a blocking position and crossed the back of their right wrists with each other. She held her hand open while Derek used a fist. It was a difference in style preference. He preferred the use of closed fist more often and Izz tended to use open fist more often. Really, the style of fist used usually was dictated by the strength of the target. If it was soft, like the stomach, you used a closed fist, Derek tended to go after soft parts. He was more about finishing the opponent as quickly as possible. If the target was hard, say the chest with all that bone behind it, open fist was presumed better. It was certainly less painful to put a good hit on the chest with a palm than a fist. This was Izzy's preference. She actually wasn't that into fighting as far as fighting goes. She learned so that she didn't have to, and there you would find where her preference was. Open fist allowed her to strike hard and fast to make an opponent back away, or to grapple their arm and send them away from her with another palm in the middle of the back, pure defense. That is mostly what she used. Derek told her that one day that might change, but she didn't believe him. She looked Derek in the eyes as was appropriate. You never took your eyes off your opponent. Not that she would want to look away. His eyes were beautiful, warm, and inviting. In her distraction, she almost missed his move.

His arm swung and she blocked with her palm even as she swung for him and was blocked. There were a few quick steps as she backed him up a little, before she got a good palm shot to his chest causing him to step back three steps and look at her in surprise. "Alright, that's more like it. Now it's on." Derek said with a huge smile, coming at her with a forward kick she easily blocked with her left palm. She immediately went into a whirlwind kick that Derek ducked under only to come up and meet her foot with his chest from her flying front kick. "Damn Izz… you been holding out on me?" he asked with obvious surprise. Mike only laughed before indicating he was going to talk to another group of teens nearby.

"Uh… no… I'm just forcing a little more focus," she said, since she was seriously forcing focus at the moment. She gave Mike a wave of acknowledgment, but being alone with Derek just made her more nervous. It was alright to be distracted by him at class since so many other people also had his attention, but right now, one on one, it was hard. It was really hard.

"More focus ," he said sounding doubtful. "I guess I can accept that … for now." And then he gave that grin that sent trembles through her.

Next thing Izz knew, she was lying on the ground on her back looking up at the darkening sky through the tree branches and leaves. Her green eyes were wide with shock as she tried to catch her breath.

"Ooh, shit!" Derek exclaimed as he reached down to grab her forearm. "I am soooo sorry, Isabel." he said with a worried tone.

She was surprised as she was pulled up and caught suddenly against his chest, his arms steadying her. Once her breathing came slow and steady, she laughed. Not the infamous half smile she usually gave with its chuckle, but a full out smile and deep laugh coming from deep in her chest. She tried to move away since she was on her feet, and had her breath back, but Derek just held her tighter. Her heart nearly stopped quicker than her laughter when she heard him quietly ask, "Go out with me sometime, Izzy, just for an evening, a week, a year. I don't care … just … go out with me." She hesitated, knowing this was what she had wanted, even hoped for, as she felt his fingers gently grip her chin and lift her eyes to his as he asked again. "Please?" After a pause he gave her that dangerous grin and added, "Your eyes are so beautiful. Such a bright shade of green with little gold flecks."

Izz swallowed hard before replying, "Ok." She smiled up at him and gave him a quirky grin, "I'll go out with you." She wondered if he had any idea how nice it was to actually look up at a guy, since she was taller than a lot of the boys in her class. She thought he might kiss her, but he didn't, much to her chagrin. Instead he let her go, turned around and said, "hop up." So with another laugh she hopped up on his back for a piggy back ride. They went as far as the bench and she laughed as he turned to let her slide off his back onto the bench and joined her, with their shoulders and thighs touching. She decided to be brave and took his hand in hers, lacing her fingers gently with his. His answering smile was worth it.

For about an hour they talked, joked and laughed quietly before Izz thought she heard firecrackers going off in the distance. There weren't any celebrations going on, so it was out of place, and Mike and the others were nowhere to be seen anymore. "Fireworks? Seriously?" She said hesitantly as she looked around. Something was wrong; even the insects seemed to be holding their breath.

Derek sensed the same thing and whispered, "Wait here."

Izz just snorted softly, "Huh, not on your life," as she followed him quietly. He seemed to be staying to cover. She did the same, trying to move as quietly as possible, when she saw Mike and the others he had gone with. They were on the ground, and still. Too still. Her heart jumped into her throat as she scrambled to his side and turned him over to find he was bleeding and no longer breathing. The little color she had drained from her face even as she looked at the blood on her hand and a tear streaked down her cheek.

"Izz we gotta go, now!" Derek whispered urgently in her ear. She just couldn't seem to move.

"What's happening, Derek? This can't be … he can't be …" Izz struggled with what her mind didn't want to acknowledge. She snapped back to reality even as she heard more fireworks, still distant.

"Izz that wasn't fireworks, that's gunfire. We have to go. We're not safe here. They're too close." Derek whispered desperately.

She grabbed the hand that Derek held out to her and they ran, staying to the shadows. She was wondering how they could have been missed, yet Mike wasn't, as another tear streaked down her cheek.

It was as they turned around the corner of a building, as they left the park, that Derek slammed into one of two Batarians. Izz couldn't help thinking he was amazing as he immediately dropped into a leg sweep. The Batarian he had run into fell backwards with a loud, "Ooooompf," as the air was forced out of his lungs. Quickly, Derek punched hard with his fist into his adversary's neck, crushing the Batarians windpipe and killing him. He was just starting to face Izzy's opponent when something hit him in the chest with enough force to throw him to the ground.

Meanwhile, the second Batarian was bringing up his pistol as Isabel ran forward to snap a kick with both feet into his chest, pushing off him to flip backwards. She hung upside down in a momentary handstand before landing in a crouched position facing her opponent. The pistol retorted with a loud crack as he flew backwards. It was obvious he landed wrong by the snap she heard as he landed. He didn't move again.

"Come on, we have to go." She said as she moved to crouch by the two Batarians. She grabbed the one's pistol and his sniper rifle. She didn't really know how to use either, but she would learn. It was only when she heard a wheezing behind her that she turned around to find Derek on the ground bleeding from his chest. "Oh my god, NO!" she gasped in horror as she rushed to his side. Tears streaked down her face as he set his palm against her cheek.

"Izz…," he whispered as he took her hand and kissed her palm before balling it into a fist to kiss her knuckles. She nodded in understanding. "Don't go, Derek… please…" her voice sounded gruff to her own ears with trying to hold back the sobs.

Laying his hand over her heart he whispered in a hoarse, pained wheeze, "Don't let this change you… protect, but protect fiercely. Stay good… I could have loved you easily…"

"Don't talk, Derek…" she leaned down and softly kissed his lips. When she next looked into his eyes they were staring blankly. She felt numb as she closed his eyes, brushed her fingers along his cheek bone, kissed him again, and got up. She needed to get out of town and get home. She looked down at Derek one last time, realizing he was her first love. "I will never forget you," she whispered as she turned and tried to make her way out of town as quietly as possible.