"Can't you just be happy with what you've got; you're consultant for flip's sake!" The word echoed around her head. She was sitting in the staffroom, nursing a coffee. She was consultant, he had been right on that count but she could never just be happy with 'consultant' she had to be 'with him and consultant' to ever be happy, but the ironic thing was if he was here he would be consultant so at least it was one good thing that had come out of this whole, big mess. The thought didn't comfort her thought, she would much rather be with him than flipping consultant, not that she'd ever admit it. She would never admit it because she had given up her one chance of being with him fort this job and now that she'd finally made it she felt, well not happy. She had thought that it would have been worth it, breaking her heart, for this job but now she knew that nothing was more important than love, she just wished she'd realised it sooner.

If she had never hurt him in the first place she would have been in this situation, she might have had both, the job and the man. Not that she cared, all she cared about was him and how she couldn't have him, even after all that been said, in the end he had walked out of Holby City Hospital for the last time after saying goodbye to the woman he loved. She had looked down on him, drinking in everything about him, before he got in the car and went. Once he was in the car he would be gone, forever and for always, after all she had fought trying to deny that the Ice Queen had fallen in love, she stood there, staring at the man who had managed to break down her defences, had managed to get her to say 'I love you'. She cried the most she had ever cried, bar the day she found out about the trip back to India, on that day and the ones after it. She had to face it, she was broken without him.

Why, why him? It could have been anyone, but it had been him. If it had been anyone else she had fallen in love with, she might not ended up this broken, but then again maybe this was what love did to her? Truthfully she did not want to love anyone else, she was his and only his and she always would be, not matter what happened. The days had gone by and soon a whole year had passed, but the hurt, guilt and love hadn't. A part of her just wanted to let go and move on and the other part of her had already realised that she never would.

She wanted to be able to be normal, have a family, love and be loved in return, but now he was gone she might get two of the three boxes ticked, she could have a family and be loved in return but she could never love anyone else, him, it always would be. She would never be able to let go of her walls, take down her façade, she never could, could she, not even for him, not at least until it was far, far too late, because she knew that she would never love anyone like she loved him, could never love anyone like she loved him. She had an ache, a pain that would never leave her, a whole that never could be filled, and she wanted to be whole again, to run after him, to be with him forever, to let him in, she'd never let him go. But she was Jac Naylor, she never let anyone in, well not until he had turned up. The man who had stolen her heart, and never really gave it back, he took some of it with him, to his new life, to the country and log fires. Jac had realised that you don't chose to fall in love you just chose if you are willing to love the other person. Jac also knew that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, until you have to live with their absence, but if you love someone enough, they never leave you, not really…