Super Smash Bros. Melee Trophy Critiques

This is my first fanfiction, so here goes. Before I start, though. All characters and trophies belong to Nintendo and its various branches.


Chapter 1: Mario

The year was 2001. The air was crisp with the smell of spring, the birds were chirping, and all the Smashers were currently snoozing in the mansion, known very eloquently as the Smash Mansion. All was going well until...

"ALL SMASHERS REPORT TO THE AUDITORIUM. IMMEDIATELY." This was the voice of their benefactor, Master Hand. And he did not seem to be happy one bit.

One by one, from the oldest (Ganondorf, of course) to the youngest (Pichu, Kirby, Mewtwo, and the like), all the Smashers filed into the auditorium.

Bowser, ever the grumpy old Koopa, bellowed "What's the big deal, Hand? Some of us need to sleep around here!"

Jigglypuff woke up in her seat, as if to punctuate his point. "Puff?"

There was quite a bit of a ruckus until Master Hand smacked the tiny-in-comparison podium like a judge's hammer on a gavel. Surprisingly, it was still in one piece. Master Hand cleared his nonexistent throat then told the collected fighters, "Normally I wouldn't give an assembly this early in the morning, but I have gotten an important message from..." He shuddered. "...my brother."

Crazy Hand, Master Hand's identical-in-looks but completely-different-in-personalities twin brother, popped up on the overhead.

"Hi, guys! Remember me? Tried to burn the mansion down to the ground with a demonically powered Bowser clone? Good times! A-nyways, I brought you here for one purpose and one purpose only..." His voice deepened to demonic levels. "Reading. The. Trophies." His voice came back up to normal. "Yep! All 293 of them!"

The collective audience gasped. Ness cried "You monster! A lot of us don't even read!" Young Link, sitting next to him, was wearing glasses and reading a child's book upside down.

As if expecting a response, Crazy Hand laughed. "Tough cookies! Kids need to learn sometime!"

Zelda cleared her throat and spoke up. "What would happen if we left this place and didn't want to participate?"

Crazy Hand cackled like a retro supervillain. "I have Motion Sensor Bombs outside every entrance. One step and KABOOM! The Mansion and the sun will be very well acquainted!"

Again, everyone gasped. Mario, as the main spokesman of the Smashers, said "Fine-a, Crazy Hand, we'll play-a your game. How hard can-a reading descriptions of trophies be?"

Master Hand talked again as Crazy Hand got off the screen. "You all will also have to give your thoughts on the topic."

A murmur faded into the room. Eventually, Master Hand knocked on the podium. "Alright, now we can begin. First up, Mario."

Mario looked on with no fear in his big blue eyes as Master Hand put glasses on his middle finger. "Ahem." A picture of Mario cheerfully giving a thumbs-up appeared on the screen. "Known worldwide as Mr. Nintendo, Mario uses his incredible jumping ability to thwart the evil Bowser time after time. While he's best known as a hero, Mario has played many roles, including racer, doctor, golfer, and villain. His tastes have changed over 20 years of gaming; he long ago swapped the colors of his shirt and overalls."

A more realistic picture of Mario swinging a golden cape appeared next. "Mario is a character without any glaring weaknesses and plenty of strong attacks: he's even equipped with a Meteor Smash. He's a straightforward character who'll reflect the actual skills of the player. Mario's Cape will turn other characters in the opposite direction and can also reflect missile weapons."

A Mario wearing a blue hat and red overalls came next. "Mass determines how easily a character can be sent flying, as well as a character's physical strength: Mario's mass is the standard upon which other Smash fighters are measured. His Super Jump Punch sends foes skyward in a shower of coins, while the Mario Tornado pulls in nearby foes, spins them silly, and scatters them every which way."

"Now, whenever I shine a spotlight on you, it'll be your turn to talk. For the benefits of any person that may be reading about this in the future, Yoshi, Kirby, the Pokemon, silent protagonists, and Fire Emblem lords will be translated for."

Mario: "Well, what can I say? It's-a me, Mario! I can admit-a that I'm a bit of a jack of all trades but I promise that-a I can be just as-a normal as anyone else."

Luigi: "B-big bro... He's so brave. I'm just a little pipsqueak compared to him, but I know eventually I'll be just as cool as he is!" Mario rubbed the back of his head a little, smiling sheepishly.

Peach: "I don't know where I'd be without Mario. Probably in a hot stuffy room with a bunch of smelly Goombas to keep me company. Not a very glamorous spot. Oh! And I'm making a cake for him as soon as we get out." She kissed Mario's cheek; he blushed in response.

Bowser: "FINALLY, I can talk about him now. This little pest is the bane of my existence. I just want to keep Peach all to myself, but does he let me? NO! It makes me want to..." He breathed fire up at the ceiling but the sprinklers turned on and drowned him out. Mario kept his composure, but was quite obviously amused.

Dr. Mario: "I might not look-a like it, but I'm a few years older than this Mario. All I have-a to say is, Keep-a doing what you're doing." Mario nodded.

Donkey Kong: "Mario fight Cranky. Then Mario fight me. But Mario and me friends now." He flashed him a thumbs-up, which Mario reciprocated.

Yoshi: "I've known Mario since he was a baby! Even though he gave me a headache when he was little, he's grown to be a great hero." Mario adjusted his hat after Yoshi licked his cheek like a dog.

Link: "..." [Mario is a very persistent man when it comes to saving his princess. I mean, I only save a princess once for each life, but he has been doing this successfully time and time again for twenty years now. That's dedication right there.] After hearing the translation, Mario nodded respectfully.

Zelda/Sheik: "Since I've never truly fought in the battlefield like Mario, I can't really relate to him all that well. However, Peach seems to like him and that's good enough for me." She kissed his cheek, earning a glare from Peach and Link alike. Mario shrugged and smiled apologetically.

Ganondorf: "After all I heard about you from Bowser, I could never figure out why you of all people managed to hand his tail to him on a regular basis. I still don't." Bowser gave Ganondorf the stink-eye.

Young Link: He enthusiastically applauded for him. Master Hand paused for a second then said "No translation necessary here."

Samus: "..." [I owe him my life. He is one of the few I would ever reveal my secret to.] Mario nodded again.

Popo and Nana: They spoke in unison, like they always did, which was a little unsettling. "We'd like to thank you for inviting us, Mario! We're sure we won't let you down." He rubbed the back of his head.

Kirby: "He's so fun to fight with! Besides, he gives me mushrooms! How can you find a better guy than that?"

Fox: "It really wasn't that hard to make friends with Mario. I mean, listen to how many compliments he's gotten already!"

Falco: "I respect him for stickin' up for his friends. I'm not a big fan of him stompin' wings off people, but I ain't bitter about that." Mario smiled apologetically.

Captain Falcon: "He showed me the jumping moves! And his Fire Flower helped me develop the Falcon Pawnch!" Captain Falcon chuckled with Mario.

Pikachu: "He's kind of like Ash if you take away the dumbness."

Jigglypuff: "He's a good jumper! I wanna sing to him!" Before Jigglypuff could open her mouth to sing, Mewtwo clamped a paw over her mouth. "Thank you, Mewtwo." said Master Hand. Much obliged.

Mewtwo: He let go of Jigglypuff's mouth immediately afterwards. He's a human. They're all alike to me. He may be one of the better ones but he's just a human nonetheless.

Pichu: The cute little mouse Pokemon opened his mouth and said "He's so stupid, his accent is fake, and I don't even think he has a mouth!" Being used to Pichu's insulting nature, no one said anything.

Marth: "{I know him not as well as any of you, but he is a valiant warrior and I am pleased to call him my comrade.}"

Roy: "{He truly has the fire of a swordsman, even though he doesn't fight with one.}"

Ness: "He has a good taste in hats, heroics, and another third thing that starts with an "H"." Everyone looked at Ness. "What? I'm a 13-year-old, not an expert on the English language!"

Mr. Game and Watch: [While I was dormant, Mario has been a very good successor. All of you whippersnappers are lucky to have him.]

"We'll take an intermission." Everyone got up. "No one leave the auditorium, or we're all going to be fried."


Hopefully, this won't be too different from the norm.

Leave constructive criticism and questions in the review section and I'll answer them next chapter.