Title: A Day in the Life of Perlmutter- Can I Have My Lunch?
Rating: K+
Characters: Sidney Perlmutter
Disclaimer: Andrew Marlowe, the creator and writer of Castle, is the person I want to be when I grow up. And I'm thankful that he lets us all play with the toys in his toybox.
Author's Note: Can you believe there are NO fictions that have Perlmutter in them? I think, by far, he is my favorite guest starring character EVER. I mean, he's hilarious. He's got the most tact and one of the sharpest wits, and if Lanie wasn't the ME, I would LOVE to see more Perlmutter. Really, I love him. Arye Gross is the master of the deadpan. So, once I found out that ME Perlmutter was getting no love in the fiction department, I thought I would take a venture into his world for a moment or two. You know, just 'cause. I hope I get it right, but if I don't… well, I tried. Here's a snapshot of our favorite cantankerous cadaver caretaker, Dr. Sidney Permutter. (If people like this, I might write a few more as the season progresses.)
Summary: Some people don't know how to pick up on things. (Spoilers 5x04 "Murder He Wrote")


All he wanted to do was eat his sandwich. That's it. All he wanted was his wife's egg salad sandwich on rye, washed down with a bottle of Evian water and a fresh cookie or two. Was that so hard to ask? When bodies hit the floor and there was a bullet in someone's brain, the body wasn't going anywhere until he got there anyway. TOD doesn't change. So that's it. All he wanted was ten to fifteen of peace and quiet without some yay-hoo disrupting his digestive process.

Did he get that? No. Absolutely not, and he stared in deep annoyance at his very unwelcome guests in the mortuary. "Do you think I care who Beckett's boyfriend is?"

But of course, both Detectives Ryan and Esposito were knee deep in solving this stupid murder that wasn't even in their jurisdiction, and managing to push his buttons with something that was in no way, shape or form either his concern or his care. Apparently, they thought that, if Lanie didn't squeal on some non-existent "significant other", they thought he would. "C'mon, Perlmutter. You know as well as I do that Beckett's love life is our priority when it comes to her safety. I mean, this guy could be some pothead junkie ready to shank her or something."

"The only priority I have sitting in front of me is my egg salad sandwich, Esposito," he scowled. Can't they see he just wanted to be left alone?

"Perlmutter, do you have a life outside these walls?" asked Ryan, gesturing with his pen to the obvious four corners. "You know, girlfriend, wife, live-in-partner-that-keeps-the-light-on? You know, someone alive, rather than dead? Because if you have somebody, me and Espo would feel a lot better if you confirmed that… and anything you might know about Beckett within the past few weeks."

Irish never settled anything without throwing down the gauntlet, but when it came down to it, German engineering was something of a force as well. Perlmutter was about ready to explode. What did a guy have to do to get a lunch break in peace? "How's this?" he gestured them closer with his finger, and when they were within ear shot, he continued. "When I know something about Beckett, I'll let you know… that I want to be left the heck alone. Get out of my morgue, gentlemen," and he lowered his voice. "Before I call security."

Perlmutter almost chuckled as they shot him a few disgusted looks and ran out of the room, whether because they knew they weren't getting anywhere, or something else… that, he didn't know. Oh well. Good riddance.

He shook his head and took a big bite out of his sandwich. Why'd they ask him such a dumb question anyway? Beckett was clearly with the writer now. Any person with a brain could see that from the way they were looking at each other recently. Heck, he'd known and he'd only seen them ogle each other once in the morgue since Beckett's suspension was lifted.

"Idiots," he murmured, and finished his sandwich.