How did I get here? That is all Dean can think and he glances around the waiting room. The walls alone make him cringe. They are so dull but they are all he can look at. They take his mind off whatever horrors await him in the next room. The waiting room is empty except him and Cas. They haven't said a word to each other since they checked in. They hadn't said much to each other in about week. He looks down at his hands, the same hands that used to behead vampires and kill demons are now clean, and it unsettles him. His eyes fall on the ring on his left hand. Castiel gave it to him. Something about promises to each other and it was made from wood from some famous biblical tree. There is an engraving on the inside, something in Enochian. Dean never bothered to learn what it was, maybe he should have. He glances over at Cas and suddenly has an urge to reach out and grab his hand, but he fights it. Public displays of affection are out of the question. That of course was his only stipulation.
"Winchester." Dean looks up at the young receptionist standing in the doorway and nods at her. "Please follow me." Cas is the first one to stand, eager to start. Dean groans and slowly follows. They enter a room even more depressing then the last. Two very uncomfortable looking chairs face a very imposing desk. "Take a seat Dr. Milson will be with you shortly." She walks out and shuts the door, leaving Cas and Dean alone, with their silence.
"Cas, what are we doing here?" Dean asks in a hushed tone. He doesn't want to be there, this wasn't his idea. He hates the whole concept of therapy, let alone couples therapy. He's pretty sure that in the realm of couples he and Cas aren't exactly textbook. What could some guy with fancy degree tell them that Dean doesn't already know?
"We are here to talk. That is what couples do when they have problems, isn't it?"
"We aren't a couple." Dean immediately regrets saying that. The look of hurt in Cas' eyes actually makes him cringe. He didn't mean it to sound so bitter. "I meant by the normal standards."
"Can we just give it a chance?" Cas looks so hopeful, as if he is convinced that this will solve all their problems. Even though Dean knows that their problems are too big for them to tackle. Which is exactly why they ignore them, taking on the devil is possible, taking on years of emotional turmoil and heartache he never wanted to handle, Dean knows he isn't ready for this. However, Cas has mastered the puppy dog eyes.
"Alright, one chance." Dean collapses into an open chair. His head was already throbbing; this was going to be a long day.
Dr. Milson suddenly enters the room. He looks ridiculous. His clothes don't match and he has two pairs of glasses, a pair perched atop his balding head and a pair hanging off his nose. Dean represses the desire to make fun of him. Insulting the doctor on the first day is something that Cas would deem 'intentional sabotage'.
"Dean and Castiel, it's nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Milson." Dean just nods while Cas stands up to shake the doctor's hand. "Now, what brings the two of you to my office?"
Dean doesn't say a word. He doesn't know why they are there. Things were fine. They could be better, but they were fine. "We have having relationship issues." Blurts out Cas. "And I believe that it is customary when there are issues to come to counseling to sort them out."
"Well, I don't know about customary but it's true that a lot of couples that hit a rough patch seek counseling in order to sort out whatever issues they might be facing. Mr. Winchester I sense that you don't agree". Dean suddenly felt hot; it was like high school when he got called on for an answer that he never knew.
"Uh, I just-I just don't see how a few hours talking to some guy who doesn't know us is going to help us with whatever problems we may or may not be having." Dean hated being here. Why couldn't they go home? Just collapse into bed and forget about the whole fight. That's how it all started, one little fight.
Well maybe little doesn't cover it properly. He had never seen Cas that upset, other than the time he took a beating in the alley. But this was a different fight. He could still feel the sting of Cas' words, how much it pained him, the look on Cas' face. He could barely remember what the fight was about. It had started small, silly really. Dean didn't think it would explode into what it was, but here they were.
"Well, why don't we start at the beginning?" Cas and Dean look at each other. The beginning, well it seemed so far away. It also seems impossible to put into words. How could they possibly describe everything that happened to them over the years? Cas pulling him out of hell, the apocalypse, everything. "In your own words what do you think the problem or issue is?"
"Dean has changed, a lot since he stopped traveling. He isn't the same man he used to be. We aren't the same people we used to be, together that is. Of course a lot of things have changed, I know I have, but I made a choice, and it was difficult for me to give up everything for him. But I did." Cas is eager to start and Dean resents that. He doesn't understand why Cas is so willing to talk about it with this man.
"Dean, do you feel as though you have changed?"
"Have I changed?" Dean was getting angry. "Of course I have changed. I spent the majority of my life living in motels and driving cars around the country. I'm not meant for the domestic life. But I choose that, for Cas."
"You can change your way of life but that doesn't mean you have to change who you are." Cas snapped at him. Dean remembered a time when Cas didn't always just say what was on his mind. When he was reserved, almost robotic in his mannerisms. Sometimes he lays awake and night and just watches Cas sleep, wondering if they will ever be as happy as they once were.
"Cas…" Dean doesn't know what to say after that. He doesn't want to fight here; he doesn't want to fight ever.
"Alright, let's go back to before the change. What was the relationship like before this change?"
"I do not understand your question." Dean laughs, remembering all those things Cas never used to understand. His ignorance was endearing.
"Basically Cas, what were we like before, well now." Cas looks at him and for a moment their eyes meet. Dean can't bear to look away. He remembers staring into those blue eyes. They gave him comfort, some sort of solace, even when the entire world seemed it was coming to an end. Those eyes, so full of emotion an angel shouldn't have, meant the world to him.
"Ah, okay. Clearly we need to go back a bit further. How did the two of you meet?"
"I gripped him tight and –"
"He saved my life." Dean interrupts. Cas declaring that he raised Dean from hell was sure to garner a few raised eyebrows and a trip to the loony-bin. "Yeah, I was in a dark, terrible place and uh-Cas, well he got to me when no one else could."
Dean wants to touch his shoulder. He does it sometimes, when Cas is off somewhere, or he just wants a reminder of who they used to be. Sure the handprint has faded over time, but it's still there.
"Did you ever thank him for that?"
"Did I what?" Dean is taken aback by the question.
"No." There is a bitterness he had never heard before in Cas' voice.
"No?" Dean couldn't remember if he thanked Cas, but he was angry that Cas was angry. Dean had saved his ass and Dean never got thanks. Dean had saved a lot of people and had never gotten thanked. So Cas dragged him out of the pit, big deal. Who said he wanted to be saved, or deserved it?
"You don't agree Dean?"
"Yeah, I mean even if I hadn't thanked him in words I most certainly made sure he knew I was thankful."
"How exactly did you do that Dean? I gave up everything for you, multiple times. What did you do for me? You stopped hunting. I gave up everything. I turned away from my brothers and sisters; I left my home, everything that I knew, because of you. You gave up a life that wasn't much of a life to begin with. You didn't lose anything."
"Oh, so that's what this is about. If you didn't want to leave you didn't have to Cas. I didn't ask you to leave everything behind. I didn't ask you to give it all up for me. That was your choice. Not mine."
"You didn't ask. That's exactly the point. You didn't have to ask, because you basically expected it. You just knew that with one look I would do whatever you wanted." They were shouting now.
Dean didn't know what to say. This was exactly like the argument they had before, but Cas hadn't said this much, opened up this much. "So this is what you've been waiting to say. If you regret it so much then why don't you leave?" Immediate regret. Sometimes he does this thing where he talks and doesn't think.
"Alright, I am going to stop you right there." Dean didn't realize that his hands were clenched. He was upset, more upset than he had been in a long time. It was bad enough they were fighting but here, in the doctor's office. In front of this stranger who didn't know them, who didn't know what they had been through over the years. "Why don't we just take a deep breath and step back. Dean, why don't you tell me why you don't think you thanked Cas."
"I don't know." He wants to be invisible for a moment. Suddenly he is acutely aware of all the things he has never thanked Cas for. Saving his life, multiple times, leaving behind heaven be with him. "I honestly never thought about it."
He doesn't know what else to say. He glances over at Cas, shame in his face. Cas averts his eyes, as if looking at Dean would be too painful.
