Disclaimer: All rights to their respective sources. I own nothing.
Tony/Bruce, Tony/Steve, Steve/Bruce (implied), Natasha/Clint (implied)
It was so easy to blame Loki. Him, his damned helmet and that stupid scepter of his. Truth would drum on his brain, become unavoidable, break down the walls of denial and spill out until every cell knew it. Even geniuses couldn't run from it. He couldn't take it. He had to steady his breathing and try not to think about it, but it was taking over. He felt like an idiot, as if his IQ of 189 was simply just a number.
He tried to think back to the exact moment, but he couldn't and that terrified him. He had learned how to control it, if not control it, sense it, he could tell when the other guy was about to come out and take over. But that time, there was no reason for the minuscule switch in his cell structure, for him to feel the sudden pressure to become furious.
He thought again about what had been happening, and the words rushed at him suddenly, and he could feel an ache in his heart as realizations poured over him. The memories tainting him with more pain than he could bear. He feared that he would lose himself to the other guy, and more, he feared for the civilians in the other room. He didn't want to cause any damage, but the memories taking over him, would drive him to that special spot where jealousy festered in his mind until it ruled him. Until he was no longer Bruce Banner.
He could see it as clear as day, as if he was back on that plane, in the lab. Steve and Tony across from him, arguing about something, tearing each other apart. There was fury in their words, but passion in their tone. An unsettling amount of aggression, as if they were trying too hard. Bruce didn't have to look far to see the reason for Tony's rage, his thinly veiled jealousy. Carried down by his father, but it was something different, and unsettling. That's the guy my dad wouldn't shut up about? He had said only hours before.
Then it was the resounding insult, big man in a suit of armor, take that off and what are you?
It was armor that Tony fought back with, Bruce could see that, every word of the quick remark, this listing of traits. Bruce had wondered when Tony would add hero to the list. Genius, Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
He had picked up the scepter before he'd realized it, but it had happened before then, he had already started to feel the change. Each cell shifting at Steve's words. They drummed in Bruce's mind and he couldn't shake the feeling of dislike, even though he knew he had nothing against the Captain. War hero, first soldier and role model. Hadn't he loved Steve as a child? Bruce had spent hours imagining he was Captain America. The guy who had it all; super strength, super morals and an incredible vigor to fight everything that was wrong. Bruce felt it nonetheless, when Steve had said it. I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. He was going to transform, and he had the sudden feeling it was because he really didn't like Steve Rogers and the way he was speaking to his new best friend Tony Stark.
It was easier to blame the Norse god with a thought out plan, or their cocktail or egos mixing, ready to explode. So much simpler to chalk it up to the stress of the situation, the explosion that had tried to tear the plane to shreds. It was easier than the truth. It was still there though, once Steve had said those words, he had started to transform. Subtly, at first, so everyone could blame the plane, or the sudden drop to the floor below. He had clenched his fist, holding it in, but the added stress was too much, there was no turning back now. He was filled with the urge to find Captain America and beat him until he was as small as he had been before the serum.
Natasha had said something, tried to calm him down, but it did nothing against him. She didn't know him yet, none of them knew how to train him. He was still fuming, thinking of Tony and Steve's looks, and the second he let the image in, he went green with envy.
He hated it, how transparent he was. How the other guy was all emotions, rage, jealousy and love. The other guy had saved Tony. The other guy had made sure no one else touched him. Some nights, Bruce was afraid he would have an incident just thinking about the plane again. Try as he might, he couldn't avoid it. The thing that screamed You're jealous of Steve at night. Reminded him of his failures, of how he had wanted to be Captain America so badly, he had turned himself into a monster. A monster that despised the own reason for his creation. The catch 22 was nauseating. The irony unwanted.
He breathed out deeply and stared at the sink of the bathroom. He had to get back outside, he had to join them or they would wonder where he had gone. He swallowed, and tried to keep the demons at bay. He tried to reason, that nothing had changed. He had always been jealous of Steve, isn't that why he'd replicated the formula? Isn't that why he just happened to turn into a mess of rage and green limbs and smashing when Tony and Steve had insulted each other? A part of him feared it was more than that, but thankfully, he didn't have time to dwell on it. He told himself that it was because Steve was hilarious, and genuine, and a leader. Bruce tried to promise himself, calming his emotions so he wouldn't hulk out, that all of this had nothing to do with Tony Stark.
He stepped out of the bathroom and brushed off his suit, clothes that Tony had given him and sat back down at the table. He stared at his salmon bisque and glazed asparagus as if nothing had happened. Pretending that he hadn't been seconds away from an attack.
"Thank god you are back!" Tony said theatrically, "he has been asking me questions all about the damn moon landing and do you know how hard it is to explain rocket science to a man who didn't grow up with electricity?" Tony asked in a flair, his eyes fixed on Steve. He looked to Bruce as if he should be awarded the Nobel PRize just for trying.
"I had electricity! I'm adjusting well, I try," Steve shrugged with a smile. Tony nodded, shoving garlic bread into his mouth, his attention waning from Bruce almost immediately.
"Yes you do." Tony answered. As if he was invisible, Bruce stared down at his plate, feeling as if his stomach had just hit the floor. He wanted to rush back to the bathroom to be sick.
"But Bruce speaks English," Tony quipped back, not noticing how green his friend was.
"You call that science babble English?" Steve asked back, cocking an eyebrow.
"So what took you so long? Turning a urinal into a rudimentary one cylinder teleporter to another dimension?" Tony asked, suddenly looking at Bruce. Steve followed his gaze and reacted. It was clearly just a power play, to show Steve that no matter how hard he tried, he would never know all there was to know about science.
"Are you alright?" Steve asked, noticing how sick Bruce was looking. Bruce was still shocked to find that they had even noticed him, as they had been using him as a tool of jealousy in their flirtation just moments before.
"Is it the revolving restaurant?" Steve asked, peering at the changing landscape for a second. They stared at the night sky, the panoramic rotating view of the city's skyline, 18 floors up, and Steve gulped as if it was making him dizzy just thinking about it.
"No, he's been here before," Tony responded. Bruce was filled with a dozen memories at least, of dinners shared with Tony here. Heated discussions until 4 in the morning ( the staff never kicked them out) anything off the menu (my treat,Tony had always said) and somehow, the memories made him feel even worse. As if they had all been a lie, a distraction compared to the way Tony never seemed to look away from Steve.
"Yeah, I should go home," Bruce lied, eager to escape this strange torture and bury himself in work at the lab.
"But Legolas and Natasha are on their way," Tony pleaded, but Bruce was too angry, or sullen to see the desperation in his friend's voice. Too caught of guard by the familiarity of Natasha's name, and that Hawkeye's nickname was still being used.
Tony resisted mentioning that the pair had promised to be there in time for dinner. Now, their plates were clean and there was no sign of the spy duo.
"They'll be here for dessert if they're not already having it, if you know what I mean-" Tony winked.
"Tony, don't," Steve rolled his eyes, but a smirk hovered over his features. "We haven't all seen each other since...well...that whole Loki incident last summer," Steve began. Bruce put up his hand, the other covering his mouth.
"Please, don't talk about him," he begged. Bruce would rather use Loki as the catch-all excuse, than admit that Tony and Steve's witty banter was the reason for his nausea.
"He thinks it'll make him hulk out," Tony explained.
"I should just go," Bruce repeated.
"Thor's coming with wine from Asgard, stay, you're staying" Tony tried again. "He'll stay," Tony said confidently, turning back to Steve. As if he could just return to his conversation with the super soldier and forget about begging Bruce to stay.
"How do you know?" Steve asked.
"Just like I knew he would come to help us fight Loki," Tony shrugged.
"Don't say his name,"
"He's not Voldemort,"
"Volde...who?" Steve asked, confused.
"Do you want me to Hulk out?" Bruce snapped, before "Sorry, sorry that was rude...you just know I hate it when you do that,"
"Do what?" Tony played the innocent.
"Act like you know me!"
"I do know you," Tony pointed out.
"You know what I mean," Bruce shied away from the truth.
"So..." Steve began, picking up his glass. "How often do you guys hang out?" he asked, and Bruce could swear he heard a hint of jealousy in Steve's voice. He had been lost since the Voldemort reference,after all, and ignored promptly after. Steve's eyes were downcast, his attention was on the knife he was fiddling with, but his voice was earnest. Bruce resisted the sudden urge to grin, and didn't pause to think why that would make him pleased. Steve took a sip of wine, his eyes darting between the two of them as he waited for a response.
"We hang out every week or so," Tony said casually, before turning his attention back to Bruce, who was now more fascinating than the super soldier.
"What's going on with you?"
"Nothing,"
"So you're gonna leave just to spite me? I organized this, all my hard work and you haven't even touched your food-" Tony pointed out, gesturing to the full glass of wine, the barely touched seafood meal.
"Tony just let it go," Bruce sighed.
"You guys fight like a marri-" Steve began in a joking tone, but suddenly his voice dropped. His smile disappeared, as he mulled over the words and how very real they seemed.
"I'm not feeling well," Bruce repeated, as if to make himself believe it.
"Gonna hulk out?" Tony asked, not beating around the bush.
"I'm worried about it," Bruce admitted in a gruff tone. He was getting tired of Tony's incessant questions, his inability to let it go.
"Had to go calm down in the bathroom for a half hour?"
"Tony, don't-"
"Your salmon's cold," he responded, before shrugging "What?I had some,"
"Maybe if you keep mentioning Loki, Yes, I will!" Bruce responded, going to his number one defense mechanism. It took Tony less than a minute to call him out on it.
"Bullshit,"
"Tony, we're in a fancy restaurant," Steve muttered, looking around, offering an apologetic glance to everyone looking their way.
"F**K that, I own the whole building," Tony said loudly. Steve cringed at the show of force, but said nothing.
"You know as well as I do that Loki is not a trigger," Tony was continuing. "Or do you not remember our weekend in Napa when I said nothing but Loki for two days straight?"
"You guys go to Napa together?" Steve asked suddenly.
"There was a small tech convention and a lot of wine," Tony shrugged, his eyes glazing over Steve, who suddenly felt the jealousy Bruce had been fuming with all night.
"So what are you avoiding?"
"I really should get back...I have some cellular prototypes to restructure-"
"Bruce, stop hiding, Loki's not the trigger!" Tony slammed his hand on the table to make an impression. Eyes darted to their table at the noise and he looked pleased at the sudden attention.
"Always wanted to do that," he grinned, clearly having a better time than the others.
"Jesus Tony, I feel exposed as ...the other guy, you know that, don't do this. We're just supposed to catch up, remember? Avengers reunion? All those invitations Pepper made?"
"I made them," Tony defended. Steve and Bruce glanced at each other, snickering. "OK, Pepper made them. But we can't have a reunion without you big green,"
"Then stop trying to provoke me and I'll stay!" Bruce snapped, his voice uneven. He wanted very suddenly to return to the marble counter of the bathroom, the automatic water, the horrifyingly calm nature sounds and soothing jazz. He wanted to calm down.
"You never care if I try to provoke you or not," Tony pointed out, his mind whizzing ahead of Bruce's. "Do you know what the trigger is? Are you afraid I'll find it? You've figured it out." Tony asked, his eyes gleaming as if he was a child on halloween seeing all his candy of the night.
"Tell me,"
"Tony,"
"TELL ME!" he begged, excited.
"Leave it alone,"
"JUST TELL US! Come on. As your team members, I think we need to know, so we utilize it in the heat of battle and everything. Logically, it's safer for us to know"
"He's not going to tell you, and that's obviously not the reason you want to know," Steve interjected.
"BRUCE! Tell me!"
"Tony, leave it alone! You're upsetting him!" Steve said suddenly.
"He's a big boy," Tony snapped. "Bruce, you have to tell us,"
"Tony, let it go," Steve responded again. "Why do you always have to poke at everything?"
"This isn't your fight soldier!" Tony responded, adding a sarcastic grin.
"TONY-" Steve growled, more aggressive than Bruce had been all night.
"CAPSICLE-" Tony responded in a sarcastic, mocking way.
"STOPIT'SSTEVE!" Bruce said suddenly. He had to shut them up, he couldn't bear them fighting anymore. Then, he realized the truth he had just spilt. He wondered how quickly Tony would be able to figure it all out, with his genius IQ, that mind Bruce loved so much. Bruce's eyes widened and he bowed his head, shaking it, wishing that he had already invented time travel. Wishing that he could slip back into the past 5 seconds and remedy that fatal error.
"Wait, what?" Tony asked. Bruce counted the seconds, praying to whatever Gods there were, even Thor graced his silent pleas. He begged to disappear, that Tony wouldn't figure it out. Fate, of course, wasn't going to be so kind.
"Did you just say it was...me?" Steve asked in a low whisper. He couldn't understand it, his eyes filled with a sadness and his features morphed into confusion. "Why...why would it be me?" he asked slowly, as if he didn't want to know.
"Oh my god," Tony said suddenly. "This makes perfect sense,"
There were things he couldn't get away with, he knew! There was no use trying. Besides, the only word he could think that rhymed was sleeve, and that excuse would never fly. He hid his gaze from both of them, admitting it by bowing his head. He closed his eyes and wished again for time travel, or some remedy. He wished the place would be suddenly swarmed with a threat, so they could get away from this conversation. He hoped Thor would show up, or even Clint just at this moment and take the pressure of. Nothing was helping, though, and all attention was on him.
"Wait, what makes sense?" Steve asked.
"You never want to talk about him when we hang out and you imitated his serum, you're so much nicer to him than I am-"
"-everyone is nicer to me than you are," Steve pointed out.
"Tony, please just don't," Bruce begged, his voice a low grumble. Tony could have figured it out, anyone could have, all the signs were there. Bruce pulled in a breath, as if the very air was reluctant to be a part of him and he rattled with fear. Somehow, he kept it in.
"Hey, Bruce, you're among friends, it's ok," Tony promised, before turning to Steve. "I think he's uh...got a soft spot for you," Bruce exhaled in relief, only to be filled with more sudden panic, surpassing the fear that had taken a hold of him seconds before.
"What?" Steve asked, his thoughts still reeling. It was about to come, Tony was about to confess to Steve, for Bruce. Of course, Bruce knew, it would be done with all the flair and insensitivity that Tony could muster. At the end of the day, Tony was selfish, he would make jokes and laugh with them, but a part of him wouldn't see it, would just resent them for leaving him behind, from pulling away from him. That was the reason for his rage, his insincere smiles, his sexualized jokes. He was terrified of losing them both, but a part of Bruce hoped that Tony would see the truth, before he dug shallow, emotion ridden graves for each of them.
"Or a you know... Not so soft, he likes you. He's got Captain Fever. Soldier fever. He'd lay down his life on your gun, Cap'n, hey maybe it's the spandex-"
"WHAT?" Steve asked.
"WHAT?" Bruce reiterated, even louder.
"Hey, it's ok. You two go and ...be merry, I'm better on my own," Tony promised, his eyes hiding an immense sadness.
"Always thought it would be Thor and Coulson, but hey-" Tony shrugged, waving at a passing waiter. He wanted to order a whole bottle of scotch and stay in his seat until all of the expensive liquid poured into his soul and turned his brain to mush. He wanted to ruin every single cell in his mind, drop his IQ low enough that he wouldn't remember how this felt. If he had a heart, it would be breaking.
Bruce thought for a moment that he would go along with the lie. That it was better than the truth he was so terrified of admitting. He had to be honest, and he had to be noble, that much he knew. He ironically, had Captain to thank for those lessons. All those nights he had stayed awake with comic books and textbooks on gamma radiation, all those days spent dreaming of being a hero. He had grown out of the costumes and the games, but the values remained.
"No...It's not that Steve," as he looked up, he was stunned to find how heart broken Tony looked. Gears clicked in that moment and what had been impossible to admit days before he couldn't wait to say now. There was no fear in saying I love you, only fear in getting an unwanted response.
Bruce looked to the both of them, unsure of who deserved his attention.
"Then what is it?" Steve asked.
"He's just in denial Cap'n!" Tony continued. "Hysterical with love, don't listen to him!"
"Tony, stop," Steve begged.
"I'm not...I'm in the presence of love," Bruce opted for instead. Feeling his cells click, his emotions shift into a deep sadness. He was terrified of what he was about to say, about to do. The signs were all there, a billion crystals, 52 stars, sparkling above him. It was impossible to miss.
"You two belong together," he bit his tongue to keep the tears in, knowing they wouldn't notice, not really. "And the fact that you're denying it makes me so-" he laughed, huffing out a breath. "Angry," he shrugged.
"I just hate when you fight," he continued, and it was a half truth. "I just had to say something to stop it and I hate that I'm in the middle of it," that was true and he had to stop for fear of betraying himself. He was terrified of sabotaging himself, of screaming, Jesus, Tony, I'm lying. Can't you see that? I hate to be in the middle of you and him. You don't even look at me. Somehow, he found the strength to continue.
"I didn't mean to say it was you Steve, it's just the way you two are around each other, I should get out of your hair." he paused, sucking in the last of his emotion, knowing his features didn't betray them. "I'll get back to the lab, like I said cellular prototypes to work on. You should turn this into a date," he shrugged. Without taking his jacket, he fled the restaurant. He couldn't maintain his composure in the elevator, never for once thinking that Tony would check the tapes. Tears streamed down his features, but for the first time since he had joined the Avengers, he truly felt like a hero. He raced out into the night air and became just another lost, heartbroken soul on the streets of New York.
[tbc]
