White walls. Everyone is covered with different paints from unknown artists. The paints giving color to the unreality that the blank space is living. Feelings and actions displayed in different forms, types, skins, shades, just to make it seem like it always had color.

I remember when I was happy. Back in my old life, when I was allowed to love, when I was born to live for the moment, because as we all know, everything else is uncertain, and I believed that.

Right know I'm only waiting for the moment to die. Waiting for death coming to take my soul, to make me leave this stupid and nonsense planet that is full of idiots.

Maybe expressing myself in a laptop won't make things easier. It ridiculous how can a computer can make you write until you end crying.

The reason? I'll tell you. I'm in love, and the worse, that I always thought that I was straight, as 100% sure, until I knew I would eventually fall in love with my best friend, even if my own girlfriend told me that for some reason she knew I was more than a friend to him.

I'll tell you everything, my fair stranger.


It all started a day like this, with classes, people chatting, couples snogging, and I was happy with my girlfriend.

Do you know how much of a stupid I was? No, until I found that I'm stupid enough not to notice things, even if they're in front of me. Always trying to be cool and neat, I'm such a coward that can't express my true feeling to anyone.

As I told you earlier, it all started when Katie, my girlfriend, if I'm still allowed to call her a girlfriend, and not a cover, a beard…I feel so bad throughout her, that I might even cry,

Enough, it's too 'girly' to cry over people. Since my dad told me I had to be the man, and no cries or 'effeminate' things are allowed here, I only could obey him in that thing. Not even see a friend if he was shirtless, because my dad always told me not to stare too much to a male friends.

And that's my life in this moment. Almost crying in a stupid bed, with the one who I like in front of me, sleeping, looking like and angel, and I just can do nothing but be his friend…if he doesn't find me disgusting.

So in fact that I'm too tired to continue writing in this dumbass computer, I'll try to sleep, trying not to wake up sobbing in the middle of the night because of my stupid feelings.

Okay, I'll tell you what happened. I found, that even going out with Katie, I'm starting to develop feeling for my best friend for years. Weird huh? Me, a guy who always had what he wanted, always caught the girls' eyes, falling in love with his adorkable and kind of nerdy friend who always was quiet, trying not to molest anyone. The one who always studies, who always seats in the end of the classroom, who always takes notes and gets the best grades. A straight A+ student, who always try and help anyone who goes to him for help. Who always is kind, who always tries to do something different, like singing, like drawing, and always had his true friends who never used him, because they created a bond between them, and it's almost unbreakable.

I always thought that straight is straight and nobody can change that, you're born in one way, not in two, not in the wrong one, because it's not easy to see many ways, but it's not easy only to see one.

It's not like I always believed in that. In fact, since I discovered my 'bad', now I accept that people can change, and be in both ways, knowing that people can push people to their side, or people can change from side to side, or play both ways. So, in resume, I changed my mind.

If only I found a way that everything seemed right, I would run in the morning right to everyone and shout to the sky "I LOVE MY MALE BEST FRIEND! I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM AND I BELONG TO HIM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO."

But, we all have to remember, nothing is perfect. There's always the mistreated ones, the misunderstood ones, the misplaced ones, the mister or miss "no way it's all good", the imperfects, the fat guys or girls that turns into anorexic, just to give people the pleasure, the sensible ones, who have to hide in a corner, or hide in a shell to prevent themselves from people bullying them, and then, the ones who are unsure with sexuality.


And that's me…I don't know if I'm still straight, or gay, or bisexual, or pansexual, or just don't like people and like to live my life the way I fucking want it. I just…I just need to talk to somebody, but, as I told you earlier, my dad, who maybe is the one that most of the guys trust to talk about this topic, is retrograde and a stupid homophobic.

That leaves me with the only thing I can do. Hide like a coward, looking all weak, and destroying all the reputation that took me years to build as a barrier. But to me, it seems like 'he' entered the barrier and touched my true personality, the one who always hide in this big barrier of lies and appearances that were never my own one.

After all, a mysterious part of me decided that it's time to face problems, and take them from the best part. Solve them, and then being happy again.

And that's how my strange story begins, me, Jeff, hopelessly optimistically falling in love with Nick, my best friend.

Still can't believe it.