Disclaimer: I'm just a snarky gal. I don't own Twilight.
Warning: The following is a parody or what some would call a crackfic. I will shamelessly poke fun at any and all characters with bad, snark-filled jokes. Just sayin...
Thank you to MrsK81 for pre-reading and to my beta, Vintagejgc!
Here we have the scene from Eclipse after Jacob kisses Bella. Bella's point of view.
"Stop it!" I stood between the two of them, a frail mortal girl, a danger magnet in between a duo of pissed off vampire and werewolf.
Charlie huffed. "Shows over folks. If you don't live here, get out, except for you, Jake." He gave Jake a wink and a thumbs up which was reciprocated.
I turned my head, slowly looking at each one of them, narrowing my eyes at these men before me. All of them on my shit list.
Edward. I was still mad at him for not telling me about Victoria coming back. He'd whisked me off to Florida in a lame attempt to hide her return and he also failed to mention that she just happened to be planning my demise. And he was still playing hard to get. The horror! Smut lovers everywhere run screaming from his rampant cockblocking. He was going to cause me to combust, I swear!
Jacob. Had my right hook swayed him? No. The cute bastard tried to flirt with me the whole way home and he was flexing his biceps, waggling his eyebrows too. I was too pissed to tell him that he looked like a moron.
Charlie. He was fist pumping while chanting, "Jacob! Jacob!"
I took this as a sign that Charlie had no idea that I was morbidly obsessed with Edward Cullen. Why couldn't he grasp that Jacob had no chance? Wake up and smell the venom Charlie! Jeez!
I pointed at Jacob and growled, "You. Go. Now."
"Bella-"
"No." I stuck my finger in his face and waved it around in a menacing nature. "Don't say anything, just go." He gave me an ironic puppy dog look and I grimaced. "Apparently I wasn't clear before. I've made my choice, I love him, Jake. Now get out. I'll sneak off to the rez in a few days. Sorta-kinda-love-you-but-not-really-kay Bye!"
He slowly sauntered away looking over his shoulder twice before getting in his little Rabbit and making his best effort to drive away fast. Edward snorted.
I turned to Charlie. "You. Me. In the kitchen. Now."
Once inside, Charlie stood his ground. Taking the cop stance, he stared me down, his mustache twitching in a show of aggression.
I huffed. "Listen, Dad, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't encourage Jacob. I'm with Edward, you know that!"
He shrugged. "Jacob is awesome. I have to question your judgment on this. Jacob's better looking than Edward, funnier than Edward, and have you seen his abs, Bella?"
"Dad!" Of course I've seen his abs. Pfft.
I couldn't reason with him. He was wearing a Team Jacob T-shirt for Christ's sake!
"I'm going to see Dr. Cullen about my hand." I handed him a beer and waved him away.
And off we went in the shiny Volvo, my mighty jealous vampire driving at break neck speed. I ignored him during the drive- other than using his arm as an ice-pack for my poor swollen hand. Edward sighed, "I'm glad you punched him, but I'm sorry about your hand."
"Totally worth it." I smiled. "Sort of." I grimaced, stupid Jake, all hard and strong and warm; Charlie was right about his abs, but I digress.
We pulled up to the house and Edward zipped me inside at vampire speed, depositing me in front of Carlisle who winced, "What happened?"
"I punched a werewolf in the face. Totally bad ass right?"
"Totally bad ass." Emmett called out and then zipped into the room laughing. "She'll make a fine vampire, she's fighting with the wolves already." He winked at me.
Jasper sauntered in after him. "At least she's not bleeding this time." Edward glared at him.
Carlisle snickered. "Oh, Bella, what will I do with my time after you've been turned? I won't need to tend to your many, many injuries anymore."
"Oh, you'll be plenty busy babysitting my newborn ass, making sure I don't slaughter the whole town, isn't that right, Edward?" I batted my eyelashes at him.
He sniffed. "Okay, Mrs. Cullen."
I gasped. Damn him and his compromises. So unfair!
Can you believe it? Me, married at eighteen? I shuddered at the thought.
Or the opposite... Me, trading in the plain old Bella Swan model for a brand new smoking-hot Bella Cullen vampire model? Oh hell yes. I'd be eighteen forever looking like that. Sign me up!
I eyed him warily, trying to see how far I could take this.
"Fine but I want sex on our honeymoon."
Apparently I'd forgotten that Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper were still in the room. Damn my flawed human senses. I slapped my hand over my mouth about two seconds too late.
Edward's mouth was agape, he looked appalled or embarrassed. Emmett and Jasper didn't bother trying to hide their obvious amusement over my statement, both of them doubled over in laughter. Carlisle was quietly giggling as he ushered them out. Jasper turned before leaving and said, "Fly out to Vegas now and get Edward laid tonight. Please, Bella, he needs this! His sexual frustration is unbearable." Carlisle dragged him out of the room.
I grabbed Edward's sleeve and tugged repeatedly until he finally closed his mouth and stared down at me.
"Well?" I tapped my foot impatiently.
His eyes went wide. "Do you have a death wish? First it's punching werewolves, and now it's pushing me to the very edge of control! Do you realize how easily I could kill you?"
So that was it. The battle of my mortality versus my rampant teenage hormones had reared its ugly head, forcing me to act out in a dramatic manner. Ohno! Now he'd done it. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes due to his continuous rejection. Commence sad indie music interlude, I look away and let my tears fall. I am emo.
I sniffled and pouted. I wouldn't look at him, instead I gazed down upon my ugly ass tennis shoe.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."
"Then stop refusing me!" I huffed and looked up at him. Jeez, he was hot, even with a frown. I sighed, only vampires could make frown lines look so sexy. I had to resist the urge to lick the wrinkle on his forehead.
I narrowed my eyes at it. Stupid fuck-hot wrinkle.
My temper flared and I poked the wrinkle which only succeeded in making it crease even more. For some reason this make me angry, I think because it looked evensexier. I grabbed Edward's head and tried to flatten out the wrinkle with my palm until he relaxed and his forehead was once again a dazzling flat slope of awesomeness.
I pulled back smiling and noticed that Edward was staring at me with one eye brow raised.
Fuuuuuck. His eyebrow looked so hot like that. I fantasized about licking that eyebrow, sucking on it too.
Damn that eyebrow. Damn us both to hell where I can use it as my play thing.
His eyebrow raised even higher.
"Arrrg!" I threw myself out of the chair and marched up to Edward's room. Confusion took hold of me as I walked through the door of his bedroom. There was a giant bed.
"What is this?" I may have squeaked out that last word. Drenched my panties too.
"It's a bed. I thought it might come in handy when you want to sleep," he replies a bit too matter-of-factly for my tastes.
What should be a thoughtful gesture makes me seethe. Sleep? Bah! There are lots of things I want to do in that bed andsleep isn't one of them.
I walk over to the monstrosity and take a closer look. I swear the pillows are mocking me in their fluffiness, that beige comforter too.
I sit on it and damn, is it comfy. I swear I'm getting sleepy just sitting on the thing. On cue, I yawn and Edward asks, "Are you tired?"
He sits next to me and softly runs his finger over my thumb. "How is your hand? Still sore?"
I lie on my back and sigh. "Yes, I'm tired, and yes, my hand is still sore. Be my ice pack?"
He laid back beside me and gently took my hand, kissing it then clasping it between both of his.
"Please don't be mad at me, Bella." He's using the seductive voice. Bastard.
"I want you." I say then continue to pout a little, trying desperately not to molest his hand and failing miserably. I closed my eyes and imagined that I was touching something other than his hand- something longer, thicker. I stroked his fingers up and down and I felt bold and completely turned on. I wanted to take it further. "Please, I want to touch you."
I probably should have waited for him to respond but I didn't. What? I was swept up in the moment, hormones had taken over my body causing me to reach over and touch him. I palmed him over his jeans and I was stunned.
It was...impossibly hard.
I squeezed it and gaped when it twitched hard enough to throw my hand off. Um... Maybe I should be scared about letting him fuck me with this thing...
Nah.
Look at it! It's straining against his jeans, the fabric groaning in protest. His cock totally wants me. It's trying to come and get me! Holy...
Hot! Hot! Hot!
I had the urge to beg him, plead with him to let me keep going but I didn't have to. He went absolutely still, eyes focused on my hand, watching as I slide it slowly up and then down his length.
He didn't stop me.
His eyes were glued to my hands, consumed in what I was doing to him. It was the hottest thing I'd ever seen.
Jeans or no, I was on a mission, steadfast in my stroking. I rubbed him slow at first, then faster, my eyes widening as his cock twitched again but it was slower this time, again and again, pulsating. His hips gave the slightest flex up and the seams gave way- his cock ripping through his boxers and the denim of his jeans, but I held on tight, refusing to let go.
He whimpered. Several times.
Then he was gone.
What the fuck?
"Edward," I groan-whispered, my hand out-stretched and empty- stroking the air.
He came zipping through the door wearing a different pair of jeans and I couldn't help but smile about that. I just gave my boyfriend a hand job. Over the jeans,sortof, but still.
He looked down at me, my silly grin firmly in place. His expression was soft, maybe a little sheepish. A good look for him, all cute with his wide honey eyes.
"What are you thinking?" He asked, smiling right back at me.
I bit my lower lip, dragging it through my teeth. "I wanna do that again."
~O~
Thanks for reading my snarky shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a review? Pretty please?
Will there be more Snarklight? I hope so, but I'm in need of some inspiration. So... If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know!
A few fic recs, in case you're looking for something to read.
New Beginning by don'teatmycookie. Summary: Bella uses Edward's laptop to start a journal. FUNNY as hell!
Chalk by Honeybeemeadows. Summary: Bella needs a new hobby. Will a new pair of ugly shoes, a shirtless guy and a bag full of chalk give her any relief from the boredom? Rated for various tensions, lemons and boys on rocks. I own nothing, not even a crash pad. Go! Read this! Now!
and for you Sookie and Eric lovers out there...
The Dead Man of Shreveport by Miral. Summary: What happens when a 1,000 year old Viking Vampire Sheriff and a 26 year old telepathic barmaid partner up to solve mysteries? What doesn't happen might be the better question. A supernatural romantic comedy. AU, SVM canon thru Club Dead.
