Title completely ripped off from the best-selling book.
...I don't know where this monstrosity came from.
"I'm pregnant." Rukia deadpanned.
Renji, who had been stretching precariously close to the edge of their bed, fell off with a loud thump. Ichigo's jaw dropped.
"Don't look so shocked," she said, rolling her eyes. "It's not as if we've been using protection or anything."
Renji climbed back up, crying, "Damn, woman! Could you maybe warn me next time?" He hesitated. "Do you, er, want to keep it?"
"I don't see why not. We're financially stable and, with the exception of Ichigo, old enough by far." said Rukia, ignoring the first comment.
Ichigo finally recovered, sighing quietly. "It's gotta be Renji's. I've been in the world of the living for the past three months."
The readhead smirked. "Nyah, it's mine, not yours." he taunted, sticking his tongue out at his boyfriend.
Again, Rukia rolled her eyes. "You are such a pain in the ass. Ichigo, what's wrong?"
He abruptly schooled his features into a neutral expression. "Huh? Nothing! Nothing's wrong!"
The other two both stared at him suspiciously, Rukia with an elegant eyebrow raised and Renji with his arms crossed. He gave in, sighing again.
"I'm happy that you're pregnant, don't get me wrong. I'll treat the baby like it's my own, of course, but...I just kinda wanted a kid myself."
Rukia's disposition changed immediately. "Aww, that's so cute! You want to be a daddy!" she cooed.
Renji leered at him, stroking his thigh. "I can make you a daddy if you want."
Ichigo closed his eyes, turning red. "That's still so weird and foreign to me. Sex-ed doesn't teach you that male shinigami can get pregnant."
The girl looked at him with something akin to awe. "Look at you! You want it, don't you? That's why you're embarassed!"
"I do not! Why would I want to get all fat and - and horomonal?"
Renji pulled Ichigo into his lap and started rubbing circles over his hipbones with his thumbs. "It's okay, baby. I'll still love you when you get fat and horomonal."
"I thought I told you not to call me that."
"You know you like it."
Rukia glared at Ichigo. "I'm going to get fat and horomonal. Are you going to stop wanting me when I get bigger?" Renji started sucking at his neck.
"Of course not, you know I didn't mean it like that! I'm sure you'll have that glow that they say pregnant women get. I just think I'd look weird with...with...goddamnit Renji, quit it!"
Said shinigami just grinned deviously. "I think you'd look hot. And then everyone would know that I'm fucking you. And that you're mine."
"He's mine too, you know!" piped up Rukia indignantly.
"Yeah, well, you can't knock him up."
"I never agreed to - I don't wanna be pregnant!" Ichigo sputtered.
"Oh, Ichigo, not only are you a pathetic liar, but we know you well enough to see right through you by now." Rukia said patiently.
"W - well, do we have to attempt this right this second?" he protested half-heartedly.
"Aw, c'mon, we're already in bed." Renji pleaded, kneading Ichigo's ass.
"...Fine. Whatever." he said, completely failing at pretending his voice didn't hitch.
Rukia joined in enthusiastically, of course.
Ichigo tried to act nonchalant about the whole deal afterwards, but his girlfriend and boyfriend caught the small smile on his face before they all fell asleep.
