Okay everyone - I'm afraid my muse has deserted me! Hopefully it's not permanently. I'm finding myself without ideas or inspiration and am struggling to put 'fingers to keyboard'. The following story is nothing new - in fact it's an old one and more of the same. Any ideas, suggestions for other stories would be appreciated or I may take a break.
I hope you enjoy anyway - and please, send a review. I really, really need the encouragement! Thanks to all of you.
It was amazing really. Everything looked exactly the same as it had a month ago, or last year, or even five years ago. While there were small differences, for the most part his street, his home, hell – even the SGC hadn't changed all that much. Why then did he feel like he was walking around in a totally different universe?
In actual fact though, he knew exactly why – and when things had changed. He'd been in charge of the SGC for just a few months when it happened. He had been expecting it, knew it was coming, but still – he felt like he'd been shot in the gut when it finally did happen. It was exactly six weeks ago now, and nothing had been the same since.
Oh, he pretended. And he was pretty sure he'd done a good job of it. No one seemed to suspect, except Teal'c maybe, but he was too much the steadfast friend to say anything. He was actually surprised at Daniel. He'd thought for sure the archaeologist would bug him, but he'd seemed to accept everything just fine and hadn't said a word.
So – he could at least feel some sense of relief that his dignity and pride were intact, if not his heart. He clearly remembered the day. It was at the end of a rather routine briefing on planet – something or other – and he'd dismissed the team. He was just about to switch from 'General' to 'Jack' mode and invite them over for pizza on Friday night when Sam had spoken. She'd told them all she had an announcement. She'd smiled, but had refused to look at him – which should have been his first clue. But he had been too unsuspecting, concentrating instead on her face and the way her lips curled up and her eyes shone when she was happy. It was then that she struck.
He was happy for her – really he was. Wasn't he the one that had constantly told her to 'get a life'? Pete was a good man – not good enough for her – but a decent guy. He was sure she'd be happy in her house with the white picket fence, two kids and a dog. He couldn't begrudge her that. Why then had he felt betrayed? Why had he wanted to turn on her and accuse her of being faithless?
Fortunately he had done neither. He had swallowed, taken a deep breath and congratulated her on her engagement. "Way to go Carter", he'd said. "Pete's a lucky guy!"
She'd thanked him and had gotten hugs from Daniel and Teal'c. He hadn't been able to go that far – no, that was too much to ask of him. But he had shaken her hand and congratulated her again. Teal'c had given him a strange look but hadn't said anything, for which he was thankful. No, he'd gotten through it without anyone knowing that his heart felt like lead. If he'd gone home and gotten drunk – well, that was no one's business but his.
He'd gotten through the last six weeks as well as he could. When anyone was around he was his usual jovial self. When alone, it was a different story, but again, no one need know. He spent a lot of time in his living room, the lights off, surrounded by the silence of lost dreams.
He knew that things had to change. He could no longer go on like this, especially since her wedding was only a few short weeks away. He knew it would only get worse when she was finally and forever married, so he had decided to make some changes in his life.
Step number one was getting through the party the SGC was throwing for her. It was a 'Jack and Jill' shower – which simply meant he had no excuse to skip it. He had thought of numerous ways of getting out of it and had even picked up the red phone to see if he could get the President to schedule an emergency meeting on the date of the party. He'd set it down without calling however. He knew he had to go – both for Sam's sake – and even more for his own. He knew people would talk if he didn't go. It could start all sorts of rumors and make people remember incidents from years ago. It would also be a big fat give-away to the other members of Sg1. No, he was going to have to grin and bear it. Somehow he'd get through it. It couldn't be that much worse than spending time with Ba'al.
So here he was, wandering through the mall, trying to figure out what the hell to buy her – them – for a shower gift. It was only a few days to the party and he had absolutely no idea what to get. He didn't want to get anything too personal – that would be uncomfortable – at the same time it couldn't be too impersonal – that would hurt Sam. It was as he was looking at some towels that he bumped into someone.
"Oh – I'm sorry", a soft voice spoke to him. He turned around and there in front of him was an attractive, dark haired woman. "I wasn't watching where I was going", she said. "I hope I didn't hurt you."
"Uh – no – no, not at all", he answered. He noticed again that she was quite pretty. She must have been in her late 30's but she was slim and looked fit. She was dressed in some kind of sun dress and her gently bronzed skin looked lovely against the white of the dress. "It was probably my fault anyway", he continued. "I was looking at the towels and wasn't watching where I was going."
"Did you find any", she smiled, pointing to the pink towel in his hand.
He looked down at it and chuckled. "It's a wedding present", he said. "I was trying to figure out what to get but I admit I'm not very good at this."
"Your wife isn't helping?" she asked.
He knew instantly that she was trying to discover if he was married, but didn't mind. She seemed nice and it did him good to have an attractive woman show some interest in him.
"No – no wife I'm afraid. So I'm left to do this – which really isn't one of my skills! I'm afraid I don't know much about linens and bridal showers and stuff like that."
"Would you like some help?" she asked softly. She instantly blushed. "I don't mean to be forward – I just thought – if you want some suggestions?"
"Your husband wouldn't mind?" Okay – two could play this game, he thought.
"No – no husband I'm afraid", she said, echoing his words. Her lips quirked in a small smile and he laughed.
"Good – then yes Ma'am, I'd greatly appreciate the help! He held out his hand. My name's Jack – Jack O'Neill."
"Nice to meet you Jack", she said, shaking his hand. "My name is Anna Silva."
He proceeded to tell her that he was buying for a friend. "Sam – that's Samantha - has worked with me for a number of years", he said. "I don't know her fiancé very well – only met him a few times."
She asked a few questions about Sam and then offered some suggestions. They ended up going through the mall together, looking at a variety of items, with her offering ideas – and nixing some of the things he looked at.
In the end he purchased a beautiful glass bowl in an art shop. It was purely decorative, but the colors and shape reminded him of the Stargate. Of course he couldn't tell that to Anna – his new acquaintance – but she agreed it was pretty.
"It's lovely", she said, "and something I'm sure they'll cherish."
After his purchase was wrapped he invited Anna for an early dinner. "It's the least I can do", he said, "especially after you've been so kind to waste an afternoon on me."
"Oh, I certainly wouldn't say I wasted it", she replied seriously. "I haven't had so much fun in a long time. It's great spending someone else's money!"
He ended up taking her to a little Italian restaurant close to the mall. They chatted for a couple of hours and then she said she had to head home.
"I have to get up and go to work early tomorrow", she said. Anna was a middle school teacher and she was taking her class on a field trip the next day. "We're going to Norad", she said. "The kids are all excited."
"Really?" he raised his eyebrows. He'd told her he was with the Air Force, but not where he was posted or what his rank was. Since they were in Colorado Springs Air Force personnel were a dime a dozen so she wasn't surprised. She'd tried to find out more but he'd laughed and said he wanted to know more about her instead.
"Uh – I actually work in Cheyenne Mountain", he'd said then. "Maybe I'll come and see you and your class."
"I'd like that", she'd smiled. "So you're with Norad?"
"No, not really. I work in a different department – I'm with Deep Space Radar Telemetry. We just share the Mountain with them." He really hated that cover but that's what the Air Force still insisted on.
"I have no idea what that even is", she'd laughed, "but it sounds – uh interesting."
"No it doesn't", he laughed as well. "It basically means we watch deep space to see what's going on out there."
"In case of alien invasion?"
"Oh absolutely", he laughed again. He hadn't laughed so much in a while. It was doing his bruised heart good. "Look, if you'd like I'll have security let me know when you're there and I can come up and meet the kids and take them on a bit of a tour."
"That would be great – we do have a tour guide from Norad though, so you don't have to do that."
"Oh I know", he grinned. He wasn't about to tell her that the kids would get to see more with a General escorting them. He'd just have to speak to the Norad Commander and ask if he could come up and accompany the kids. He was sure it wasn't a problem – he got along well with the man.
He said goodnight to Anna and went home and for the first time in a long time he didn't lie awake dreading the weekend ahead. Just before he fell asleep however, he did look over at the box with the gift that he'd laid on his dresser. He sighed – it still hurt. Refusing to think anymore about Sam, he went to sleep and tried to think about a petite brunette with big brown eyes. Maybe those eyes would soothe his soul.
It was mid-way through the morning and he was signing another form that Walter had insisted on giving him when his phone rang. It was security up top telling him that the kids had arrived with their teacher – a Mrs. Anna Silva. He wondered briefly at the 'Mrs' – she had said there was no husband. Maybe she was divorced or widowed. He'd have to find out.
He stood up to leave when there was a knock on the door. He looked up to see Sam – no – Carter standing there. "What can I do for you Carter?" he asked.
"I'm sorry to bother you Sir. I was wondering if you had a few minutes?" She looked nervous and less than her usual calm and collected self.
"Uh – is it urgent or can it wait?" he asked. "I'm supposed to meet a class of kids who are coming to see Norad. If it's important I can tell them I can't come -"
"Oh, no, no, that's fine General. It wasn't really all that important." She continued to look flustered and at the same time both relieved and upset.
"Are you sure? I don't' mind putting them off."
"No – that's okay. I can come back later."
"Okay – if you're sure." He frowned as he watched her turn and leave. He really wondered what the hell that had been about. "Walter", he said as he walked out of this office. "I'll be upstairs if you need me. I have my cell."
"Very good Sir", Walter grinned. "Enjoy!"
"Oh, I will Walter! I'm about to let loose 30 grade six kids on Norad. Old North is going to love me!" North was the commander and a good friend of Jack's.
He made his way down the hall towards the elevators. It was only as the door shut and he started to go up that he realized. He was whistling.
"Anna – it's good to see you!" He spotted the woman he'd met yesterday and walked over to her. She smiled when she saw him but then took note of his uniform and frowned.
"You – you're a general!" she said, seeing the stars on his shoulders.
"Yup – guilty as charged."
"Oh my!" She suddenly looked flustered. "I had no idea. I wouldn't have spoken to you like that yesterday if I'd known."
"Why not?" he asked, puzzled. "Just because I'm a general doesn't mean I'm any good at looking for towels. Anyway", he leaned forward and whispered, "I'm pretty sure they made a mistake in making me a General – but don't tell anyone."
She laughed and relaxed – and then introduced him to the kids – who were either impressed or frightened by the fact that he was a 'real live general'.
He had a great time for the next couple of hours, showing the kids around. The guide from Norad gave them the 'real' tour – he added all sorts of funny stories and made up some things about what the men and women there did.
"Do you think there are aliens in space sir", one little girl asked. He got a pang when he looked at her blond hair and big blue eyes. He could just imagine Sam like this as a little girl. She had probably been just as interested in space and aliens as this little girl.
"Do I think there are aliens? Well, I don't think we should ever discount something like that. Space is an awfully big place. There could be lots of interesting things out there."
"But what if they attack us?" a little boy asked.
"Uh – well, that's what Norad is about – to defend us from our enemies. Our men and women in the Air Force are pretty tough. I'm sure they'd kick some alien – uh – I'm sure they'd beat the aliens!"
The kids laughed and the tour continued. By the time they were ready to head back to school Jack found that he'd grown to like Anna even more. She was sweet and funny – but also knew how to keep the kids under control. He figured she would have made a pretty good officer.
Just as she was watching the kids get back on the bus, Jack made a sudden decision. "Uh Anna, I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to the bridal party this weekend?"
She turned and looked at him in surprise. "But – are you sure? It's for your friends."
"Yeah – but we were told to bring a guest. If you don't want to I'll understand. I just thought – since you helped find the gift - "
He stopped talking and watched her, wondering if he'd read things incorrectly. When she got a big smile he gave an inward sigh of relief. He'd been worried he was about to be rejected – again! Although he knew that really wasn't fair. Sam hadn't exactly rejected him – although it still felt that way.
"Well, if you're sure – I'd love to go."
He got her address and then said goodbye. He stood in the parking lot as the bus drove away, wondering if he was doing the right thing.
Later that day he ran into Sam just as he was returning from the commissary. "Oh Carter – you wanted to see me about something? I'm free now."
"That's okay Sir", she answered, looking uncomfortable. "I figured it out."
"You're sure? I have some time."
"No, that's okay. Oh – how did the tour go?" she asked.
"It was fun", he grinned. "They're all so curious and innocent. They wanted to know if I believed in aliens and what we'd do if we were attacked!"
"And what did you say Sir", she grinned back.
"I said of course I do – and if we were attacked I send Colonel Samantha Carter out to whip their butts!"
"You did not General", she laughed. "I'm afraid that would be a breach of security."
"Yeah", he sighed dramatically. "I just told them 'you never know'. Well – my break is over. Got to get back to doing my General stuff!"
"Yes Sir", she smiled again.
He headed back to his office and didn't see the look of longing on her face as she watched him walk away. He would have been very surprised to have read her thoughts at that moment.
Sam had been having some serious second – and third and fourth – thoughts about her engagement to Pete. He was a nice man, and she'd been happy to have him in her life. It had been wonderful to experience 'normal' for a change. But as the wedding got closer, she really began to think she'd made a terrible mistake. As nice a man as he was, he didn't make her heart stop or her breathing speed up like – someone else she knew. At the same time, she worried that she was letting hero worship – or the 'unattainable' keep her from totally committing herself. She sometimes wished she and Jack could have just slept together and got it out of their systems. Maybe then she could have moved on.
She thought about the General and realized that he seemed different today for some reason. Although there had been nothing specific – and he had seemed to act the same as always – she had gotten the distinct impression that he had not been happy since the announcement of her engagement. It wasn't anything she could put her finger on – it was just a feeling. She'd tried to talk to Daniel but he'd been clueless about it. She suspected Teal'c knew something – or saw something – but she was too afraid to speak with him. She might then have to confront her true feelings.
No – he was definitely different today. He seemed lighter, happier. She knew she should be happy about that but instead it depressed her. She gave herself a mental kick – knowing she was being terribly unfair. He deserved to be happy and she shouldn't want him to feel miserable that she was getting married. Although the truth was – she did. She felt guilty about it but it seemed to prove that he still cared and for some reason – which she refused to analyze – that meant a whole hell of a lot.
Jack felt nervous and out of sorts the whole day. He was really dreading this damn party, more than anything he could remember in a long time. He would have given anything to have some alien come along and poke another hole in him but suspected it wasn't going to happen. Still, the one thing he had to look forward to was bringing Anna. He just hoped that he could keep from being miserable around her. It wouldn't be fair to her.
He picked her up on time and whistled when he saw her. "You look beautiful", he said when she opened the door.
She blushed and thanked him. "You look pretty good yourself", she answered. "although I admit I loved that uniform you had on the other day."
"Yeah?" He grinned. "That was the main reason I joined the Air Force", he admitted. "I knew women were suckers for a man in a uniform!"
By the time they arrived at the hotel where the party was being held he'd relaxed substantially. Being able to attend with an attractive woman was making this all much easier. He suddenly stopped on the way in though, when he had a thought. Oh god – he should have told Sam he was bringing someone. He hadn't thought about it at all. Well, she had said bring a guest so he hadn't done anything wrong. She wouldn't mind anyway, he decided. Pete was her life now.
They entered and found the room where the party was being held. The first person he saw when he walked in was Teal'c – who was looking quite magnificent dressed all in black, with a black hat adorning his head.
"Murray!" he called. He turned to Anna. "I want you to meet a good friend of mine. He was on my team for years." He leaned over and whispered, "he's a foreigner so don't mind his formality – it's just his way."
"O'Neill", Teal'c bowed his head and then looked at the woman at the General's side and raised his eyebrow in inquiry.
"Murray – this is Anna Silva. She's a friend of mine and agreed to keep me company this evening."
"It is a pleasure to meet you Anna", 'Murray' bowed his head. "Are you from this area?"
Anna chatted with him for a few moments, telling him what she did and how she'd met 'Jack'. Finally the big man turned towards the General.
"Have you seen Colonel Carter", he asked, looking Jack straight in the eye.
Whoops, thought Jack. Teal'c is pissed with me. "No", he said, "You're the first person I've seen tonight. I'm sure I'll run into her." He refused to sound defensive. He'd done nothing wrong.
"Your friend didn't seem too happy with you", Anna said as they walked away.
"Oh, that's just his manner. He's really a teddy bear." He glanced over and met a pair of blue eyes – behind glasses – that were glaring at him. He sighed. "There's someone else I'd like you to meet. Daniel", he called, taking Anna over. "Hi – I wanted to introduce Anna Silva. Anna this is Dr. Daniel Jackson. Danny's an archaeologist and works with me at Cheyenne Mountain. He's also a good friend."
"It's lovely to meet you", Anna put out her hand. "I won't ask what an archaeologist is doing working with deep space – whatever. I'm sure it's top secret."
"Yeah", Daniel laughed and then leaned forward. In a false whisper he said – "actually, my real job is to look after Jack here. The Air Force needed someone to watch out for him and keep him out of trouble."
"Ha!" Jack laughed. "I think you have that backwards Jackson." He looked at the woman by his side. "I've spent the last seven years watching out for him. You will never believe how much trouble an archaeologist can get into under a mountain!"
The three of them laughed and joked for a few minutes. Daniel was at his most charming, although Jack knew he was in for it from his friend. Damn – what was wrong with these two? He hadn't done anything wrong.
"If you'll excuse me Jack", Anna said a couple of minutes later. "I just need to find the ladies room."
He told her he would wait where he was, and watched her as she headed through the crowd.
"What the hell are you doing Jack?" Daniel suddenly hissed.
He turned and frowned at his friend. "What are you talking about?"
"Anna – that's what I'm talking about."
"Anna? She's nice – what's wrong with her?" he wanted to know, ready to defend his – well, his new friend.
"There's nothing wrong with her. I'm sure she is nice. What I want to know is why you brought her here." Daniel was looking livid, which surprised Jack a bit.
"What do you mean? My invitation said I could bring a guest, so I did. There's nothing wrong in that."
"No, except that it'll hurt Sam!"
"What are you talking about Daniel?" Now it was his turn to get angry. "Why should Sam mind? This is her engagement party for God's sake. I'm sure she's too interested in hanging on Pete's arm to worry about who I bring with me."
"You are such an idiot Jack", Daniel said, resignation in his voice. "Surely you know this will upset her."
"Why the hell should it?" he defended himself. "I'm nothing to her but her commanding officer. She's here celebrating her engagement Daniel. She's happily in love with Pete."
"No she's not", his friend said, more calmly this time. "She's in love with you and has been for years. And you're in love with her."
"Daniel!" he said, a clear warning in his voice. "This is neither the time nor place for this. I'm here with a lovely woman and I want her to have a good time. I don't need this."
"What about Sam", Daniel said.
"What about her?"What the hell do you want me to do Daniel? Live like a monk the rest of my life because she's decided to marry someone else?"
"No – but I expected you to say something to her before now", he said quietly.
"What? What should I say? Sam – please don't marry the cop! You and I can't have a relationship, but I don't want you to have one with anyone else either. Is that what I should say? You tell me Daniel – because I sure as hell don't know."
"Is everything okay?" Anna's soft voice interrupted the two men. Jack turned, a startled look on his face.
"Uh – oh – yes, it's fine", he stumbled. "We were just talking about something at work. Daniel and I always get into arguments like this."
"Okay", she said, although she looked a little unsure.
"Yeah – don't mind us", Daniel said. "I've driven Jack crazy for years. We're always arguing so please ignore us. It was lovely to meet you Anna", he said. "I'm going to go and say hi to Walter. Jack." He gave his friend a direct look and, with another smile at Anna he left.
"You're sure everything is okay?" she asked. "Maybe I shouldn't have come."
"What? No – I'm glad you're here. Really, don't mind Daniel. Come on, let's go get a drink."
They wandered around for the next little while, chatting and talking to various people from the SGC. He was sure he was the talk of the evening. He was pretty sure his people had never seen him with a woman before and he knew the SGC was going to be buzzing tomorrow.
He met a few of Pete's friends as well. They seemed to be mostly cops or their spouses although he did run into one of his brothers and chatted for a while. As of yet he hadn't seen either Pete or Sam – and a part of him was dreading having to see them. He had to admit to himself, however, that a part of him was also looking forward to it. Call him mean, call him petty, but he wanted Sam to know he wasn't sitting around nursing a broken heart. He was still able to meet and attract a woman. She didn't want him – that didn't meant that there wasn't someone else who did.
On the trail of that very thought he ran right into his former teammate – and the love of his life.
"General!" he heard her say and looked over to see her on Pete's arm. She had a smile on her face, which faded just a touch when she noticed the woman by his side.
"Uh – hi Sam, Pete. Congratulations. It's a great party."
"Thank you General", Pete said with a smile and a handshake. "We're glad you could make it. Sam was worried that some emergency might keep you away."
"Really?" he raised his eyebrows. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world", he said. "I mean – we were teammates for a long time."
Pete laughed. "See babe, what did I tell you? And who's this General?" he looked at Anna.
Jack introduced Anna to the engaged couple. Sam was friendly and cheerful, although Jack could immediately tell something was off. Pete didn't seem to notice, but he'd known Sam Carter for a long time and could tell when she was faking it. She was definitely not happy. He was just glad she didn't have a zat with her because he suspected he'd have been disintegrated. Oh yeah – she was one pissed lady – and it was directed at him.
"We should circulate and see our other guests", she said after a few minutes. "It was lovely meeting you Anna. I'm so glad you could come and I know the General is glad to have some company."
After the couple had left Anna stopped speaking and looked at the man beside her. When it became obvious that he wasn't looking at her, in fact had forgotten she was there, she sighed. Why was it whenever she found someone she liked he was either attached or on the rebound. Oh well – she might as well enjoy the rest of the evening because she suspected it was going to be the last one she spent with the sexy General.
"I'm sorry Anna", he turned as if he suddenly remembered she was there. "Would you like to dance?"
They spent the rest of the evening dancing and speaking with Jack's friends. Anna couldn't help the slight heartache, knowing how great things could have been. Still, it was very obvious to her that Jack was still in love – with the bride to be.
"That was great", he said as he walked her up to her door. "Thank you for coming."
"Thank you", she answered with a smile. He was looking at her directly – for the first time that evening seeming to focus just on her. Maybe she'd been wrong. Maybe there was a chance. So, when he leaned forward to kiss her she accepted – and returned it.
As she watched him leave she couldn't help but put her hands to her lips. The kiss had been nice – no, more than nice – but not quite at a 'wow' kiss yet. She wondered if it would come.
Jack returned home with his mind in turmoil. He had had a lovely time – or would have except for the fact that it was Sam's engagement party. Still, he really liked Anna and was seriously thinking about asking her out again. Maybe he should just go for it. He needed someone in his life. Maybe now was the time to let go of the past and move forward.
He knew it was time. He just wished it didn't hurt so damn much.
She stared out at the night sky, looking at the stars in the clear black expanse of the heavens. What had she done? Somehow, standing alone, looking up at the vast galaxy through which she'd traveled so many times, brought everything into sharp focus. She had made a terrible mistake. She had mistaken contentment for love, security for passion, and need for want. She'd given up the best thing in her life and traded it in on something that was not right for her.
She had been having doubts for quite some time but had continued to try and convince herself that she was making the right decision, the smart decision. It was only when she'd seen Jack with another woman that it had become totally clear. She had chosen Pete and she'd lost the man she loved – and she didn't know what to do.
Without giving it further thought she went and grabbed her coat and keys. She had to talk to someone and she knew just who that person should be. Fortunately Pete wasn't staying over tonight. He'd gone back to Denver with his brother since he had to work the next afternoon. He'd wanted to stay – had told he he could drive back in the morning, but she had needed to be alone.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." She could hear Daniel's groggy voice from the other side of his door. It was already two in the morning so she was sure he wasn't happy about being woken up.
"Sam! What are you doing here?" He looked shocked to see her.
"Can I talk to you Daniel?" she asked. He gestured for her to come in and told her to sit down.
He insisted on fixing her a cup of tea and then sat down beside her on the couch. "Okay, I think I know what this is about", he said gently, "but why don't you tell me why you're here."
"I've lost him Daniel", she said, so quietly he could barely hear.
"Who? Pete?" He wondered what had happened after the party.
"Pete?" she looked at him, confusion on her face. "No – not Pete – Jack."
"Oh." He briefly closed his eyes, not surprised that this had finally come, but not quite sure what to say. "You mean because of Anna?" he said gently.
"Yes – no – because of me Daniel. I did this. I couldn't wait for him and I went out and found the first man I could and I let him go. What am I going to do?"
He could hear the desperation in her voice and realized that things were worse than he'd thought. He'd hoped for the last few weeks that Sam knew what she was doing, that she'd be happy with Pete – although he'd doubted it. When it became clear that Jack wasn't going to do anything he'd realized that there was nothing he could do either, except watch his two friends screw up their lives.
"He brought her to my party Daniel!" she cried.
So – it was about Anna! He wasn't surprised. As soon as he'd seen her he'd been sure Sam would react. He'd been mad at Jack for bringing her, but now he wondered if it hadn't been the best thing he could have done. It had clearly brought things to a head.
"You told him he could bring a guest Sam."
"But I didn't think he would", she answered.
"Sam – I don't think you're being fair to him. You said yourself you gave him up, that you chose Pete. So what is he supposed to do? Go through the rest of his life single because you're with someone else?" These were practically the same words Jack had used and he couldn't help but admit they were true. He felt a twinge of guilt for having given Jack such a bad time earlier.
"No – he was supposed to stop me from seeing Pete. He was supposed to tell me that we belonged together and to ask me to wait."
"Really? I don't think he knew that Sam. I think he was pretty sure you'd moved on. How was he supposed to know you wanted him to stop you when you started seeing Pete?"
She stood up then, too upset to sit still. "I don't know. He just – I wanted - I wanted him to tell me how he felt."
"Why didn't you tell him?"
"Because I couldn't – I wouldn't do that to him."
"I expect he felt the same. Look Sam – he's your commanding officer. The last thing he's going to do is go to you and tell you he loves you and to not marry Pete. He would never pressure you like that. Not only that – you could have him charged for harassment for something like that. No – I'm afraid you were always the one who had to make the first move – and you didn't – so don't blame him."
There was silence for a few minutes and he could hear the almost silent ticking of his clock. He was almost surprised, therefore when Sam spoke again.
"Do you think he loves her?" she asked.
"Loves – you mean Anna? I doubt it. He told me they just met a few days ago. I think though -" He stopped, unsure whether to go on or not.
"What?" She lifted her head and looked at him.
"I think he could. I think he's decided to move on. I think he believes that he really has lost you. She seems like a nice person and I think he could end up falling for her." There! He knew it was probably cruel – but there was truth in the saying sometimes one had to be cruel to be kind. She needed the truth.
"No!" she said. "He can't do that!"
"Sam", he said sharply. "That's exactly what you did to him and I gotta say – he's handled it pretty graciously. If you really do love him you have to make the decision as to whether you're going to let him go and find happiness – or whether you'll tell him how you feel and get rid of Pete."
"God – now I'll hurt Pete too!"
"I'm afraid someone is going to get hurt in this scenario regardless."
"Maybe I should let Jack go", she said softly. "I haven't been fair to him have I? He needs to find someone to love and she does seem nice."
"Maybe you should Sam. He deserves some happiness in life." He really didn't want to hurt her but it was the truth. Jack did need someone in his life and he needed to move on from Sam – unless she got her act together and dumped poor Pete.
"I don't know if I can let him go Daniel?" she said, speaking about Jack. "I – I love him so much."
"Sam – you can't have it both ways. Either he's yours or he's not. Do what's right and either let him go – or let Pete go. You can't have them both."
She didn't say anymore that night. Eventually Daniel told her to lie down and he got a pillow and blanket and she crashed on his sofa. As he went to bed he looked one last time at her and shook his head. If only he could send the two of them to a deserted planet for a year!
Sam slept for a little while but, even though she was exhausted, she couldn't rest for long. When she woke up she saw that it was still only a little past four in the morning. After sitting there for what seemed like forever, she got up and put on her shoes and coat. She wrote a short note to Daniel and left.
Who the hell could be ringing his doorbell at four-thirty in the morning? Jack looked around for a robe, since he was sleeping in nothing but his birthday suit. He stumbled his way down the stairs to the front door and looked through the peephole.
Carter! What the hell was she doing here? He reached down and unlocked the door and swung it open.
She was terrified. She decided that it was time for them to talk, to have it out, to bring it out of the closet. For that reason she'd headed over to his house – ready to confront him with her feelings. Of course it was only after she'd rung the bell that she thought about Anna. Oh hell – what if she was here? What if she had slept with Jack? She started to turn around, to get in her car and go, when the door opened.
"Carter – what the hell is going on?" he was in no mood to be polite.
"I'm sorry Sir", she whispered. "I – know it's late. I wanted to – talk to you, if that's okay?"
"At four-thirty in the god damned morning?"
"I'm sorry – I guess I didn't realize. I'll leave. I'm sorry -"
"No", he sighed, taking a look at her. She was pale and looked almost sick. Something was clearly wrong and he'd blasted her. "I'm sorry – I'm not very pleasant when I first wake up. Come on in."
He ushered her into his living room and told her to have a seat. "Can I get you a drink or something?"
"No – no that's fine." She watched as he took a seat opposite her and only then noticed that he was in his robe and his legs were bare. She was suddenly feeling terrible for having disturbed him.
"So, what can I do for you Carter", he asked gently. She looked like she was in shock and he worried that something bad had happened. He leaned forward. "Is something wrong? Is Pete - "
"He's fine", she quickly interjected. God – what should she say? Why had she possibly thought this was a good idea? "I just – I wanted – so, Anna seems nice." She closed her eyes and wanted to groan. What the hell was wrong with her?
"She is", he answered, his confusion registering on his face. What was going on? Surely she hadn't come here to talk about his date? Although he had thought she was ticked at him for bringing someone. Maybe that was it. "I hope you don't mind that I brought her", he continued. "Uh – you did say in your invitation we could bring a guest."
"What? Oh – oh no – that's fine. I'm glad you had – that you were – that – are you seeing her again Sir?"
"What?" He frowned at the woman he'd been in love with for years and could start to feel himself grow angry. What the hell was she doing coming to his house in the middle of the night and interrogating him about his date. "I don't really think that's any of your business Carter", he answered abruptly. "Now – what is it you wanted to talk to me about? It's late and I'm tired."
"I'm sorry", she whispered, closing her eyes. "You're right – it is none of my business. It's just – I guess I was – surprised to see you with someone. I'm sorry", she repeated, standing up. "I should go."
"That's it? You came here to ask if I'm seeing Anna again?" he asked incredulously. "And why the hell would you be surprised? Do you think all I do is work at the SGC, that I'm nothing more than 'General O'Neill? I'm not a monk you know. I don't think it's unfair of me to want to have a life outside work."
"I know. I'm sorry", she said again. "I really – I'll go. Please, just forget this. I shouldn't have come." She headed to the door blindly, her eyes filled with tears. She blinked, desperately trying to keep Jack from knowing she was crying. She'd made it almost to the door when his hand grabbed her arm and swung her around.
"No you don't", he said, his voice sending shivers up her spine. "You came here for a reason, and I want to know what it is. I just spent the evening attending your engagement party – to celebrate the fact that you're getting married. And you come here in the middle of the night and want to know about my date? What the hell is going on Sam? I think you owe me an explanation!"
She closed her eyes, cursing the fact that tears were escaping down her cheeks. Still, no one had ever accused Samantha Carter of being a coward. With a deep breath she opened her eyes and nodded. "Yes – yes I do."
After a brief look Jack nodded and led the way back to his living room. He sat again in the chair and watched her as she sat back down on the couch. He didn't say anything, he simply waited for her to begin speaking.
"I – wanted to speak with you the other day", she started.
"I remember. But then you said you'd figured out whatever it was."
"I lied", she said simply. "I hadn't figured it out – at least not then – not until last evening."
He narrowed his eyes, wondering what she was talking about. "And what was it that you figured out?"
"Well you see, ever since I told Pete I would marry him I felt like there was something wrong. I kept trying to convince myself that I loved him like I knew he loved me. I told myself that I wanted the dream – I wanted the 'normal' life. But it still felt wrong and I couldn't' – I couldn't figure out why."
"So why did you want to see me about it? Did you expect me to figure it out for you?" he asked incredulously.
"No – no of course not. I wanted to see you – to talk to you – to ask you - ", she stopped. "You see, I knew that if I told you – that then I could figure it out."
"Sam – I have no idea what you're talking about", he said, rubbing his hands over his face. The fact was, however, he was pretty sure he did know what she was talking about. He just didn't want to go there. Not now – not when things had gone this far. "But you said you figured it out last night anyway", he continued. "So you didn't really need me – I mean to speak to me – after all.
"I thought that last night I had finally convinced myself that I could still make myself love Pete – even though I wasn't ever going to love him the way I should. I spent all week telling myself that is what I should do", she said, ignoring what he'd said. "But you see, I found out that I was wrong - that I'd been wrong to try and make myself love him. It wasn't fair to him – not when I was still in love with – someone else."
"I – see", he said again, not sure what to say or do. He finally spoke. "So what happened last night that made you realize -?" his voice petered out. He wondered if he really should have asked that question.
"I saw you with that – with Anna. You looked happy – happier than I'd seen you in a long time. It just about killed me", she said with a self-deprecating smile. "That's when I realized what I'd lost – no – what I'd thrown away. And I knew then that I couldn't do this to Pete. He deserves more than a woman who is simply trying to love him – who's wishing she was with someone else."
Jack stood up suddenly, unable to bear staying still another minute. Here she was – the woman he loved – practically telling him outright how she felt about him. He should be shouting in joy. Instead he felt angry and confused.
"I – I don't know what you want me to say", he finally admitted. "I don't know what you want from me Sam. You made a choice to be with someone you could love – and who could love you openly and honestly. I don't blame you for that. He's a good man – maybe you're just suffering from nerves – you know", he tried to laugh, "pre-wedding jitters."
She stared at him, not understanding what he was saying. Didn't he believe her? Did he think she had come over here and practically thrown herself at his feet just because of nerves?"
She stood up, knowing then that this had been a horrible mistake. She shouldn't have come. What did she expect – that he'd suddenly confess his love and everything would end 'happily ever after'? God – had how could she have been so stupid, so naïve?
"I'm sorry Sir", she said softly. "I shouldn't have disturbed you. You're right – it's probably just – nerves." She moved towards the door, knowing she had to leave quickly before she fell apart.
"Wait! That's it – you're going to just leave?" He couldn't believe the fact that she'd come to his home in the middle of the night, opened that damn door and now was going to walk out.
"You just told me you thought I made a good choice to be with Pete", she looked at him, thoroughly confused by the conversation. "I – if that's so then there's nothing more to say." She closed her eyes, almost at the breaking point. She had to leave, had to get out of here before she totally made a fool of herself.
She looked at him when she heard his heavy sigh and saw him run his hands through his hair. "I said it was a good choice Carter – I didn't say it was the right choice", he clarified. "Personally, I wanted to shoot you when you announced you were engaged!"
"You did?" she looked at him in surprise. He'd taken it so well at the time that it had confirmed to her that he no longer felt anything for her. It had hurt - a lot – but she had never let on to him or anyone. "I didn't know. I thought you were okay with it. You really wanted to shoot me?" she asked again.
"Yeah, of course. Pete's a nice guy but he's not right for you", he said bluntly, looking at her closely.
"He's not?" Where was this going she wondered? Was this just because he didn't think Pete was right for her – or because he knew of someone who was?
"No – he's much too nice, doesn't have that good of a sense of humor - and doesn't owe you his life a dozen times over. No – he's not right for you Sam", he said gently, his anger leaving as suddenly as it had appeared.
"I see", she answered, suddenly breathless. Her lips curved in a small, tentative smile. "See, I was right Jack – I knew you would help me figure it out. You always do – you always have."
"Maybe", he answered, letting out a soft 'huff' of breath. "So what are you going to do?" he asked, not knowing where this conversation was leading although he did know his heart felt like it was about to leap out of his chest.
"I don't know", she admitted. "I know what I want to do – but I don't think it's an option."
"No? You're sure?"
"Yes." This time her smile was ironic. "I've tried to figure this one out for years but I haven't managed to yet. I'm afraid we're – I'm – stuck just like always."
"I see." He stared at her for a moment, biting his lip. "Hey, you just said I was always good at helping you figure things out Carter. Maybe you should ask me for help."
"I don't know if this is one you can do anything about either Sir. Some things are simply impossible to change."
"Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing Carter."
"What's that Sir?"
"We've never let the impossible stop us before. Why should we let it now?" He took a step forward, wanting to reach out, but still not sure if it was the right thing to do.
She watched as Jack moved closer and then stopped. She sighed – that was the story of their relationship – a step forward and then nothing –usually followed by a quick retreat. She knew, with sudden clarity, that it had to stop now. This dance they'd done for so many years was beginning to destroy them. It was time to decide – to move forward together, or to part and each go their separate ways, without looking back. When she looked into Jack's eyes right then, she knew he had come to the same conclusion. This was the watershed moment of their lives. She wondered who would make the first move – one way or the other.
"I don't want to lose you Sam", Jack said, his voice so soft she could barely hear. "I don't think I could bear it." She closed her eyes briefly, wanting to shout with relief and joy.
"I don't want to lose you either Jack. I almost did – and I don't want to ever go there again."
"So", he said.
"So?", she smiled.
"I guess this means – uh – what does this mean Carter?" he asked, looking adorably confused.
"We figure it out together?"
"Yeah", he smiled – this time his entire face lighting up. "We figure it out together. We've always been damn good at figuring things out Sam."
"I know", she smiled in return. "I can't believe we forgot that."
They stood there smiling at each other, not moving, not thinking about anyone – Pete, Anna, their friends. No – this was a moment for the two of them.
Jack realized that now was it. Now was the time to stop moving away – and to move forward – so he did.
Finally so close they were almost touching, Sam looked up and into the eyes of the man she had loved for so many years. She reached out and gently touched his cheek with her hand.
"So – let's start figuring it out", she said.
A short epilogue to follow
