(A/N) I wasn't intending to write a sequel, it just happened. This is dedicated to all the wonderful 'what happened after the movie' fics I have read, and, though I make fun of them, I love them dearly.

As with my previous story, swearing will be consistent throughout, crazy stuff will happen and there will be movie/TV/book references galore.

As always, I own none of the characters/films etc and I am not making any profit.

…...

LABYRINTH: A PARODY

THE SEQUEL

CHAPTER ONE

…...

Sarah sat at her kitchen table and turned to the 'jobs' section of the newspaper. Toby sat across from her, quietly doing his chemistry homework.

A couple of years ago, just after Sarah had trundled dejectedly home from L.A (where she had been trying to make it as an actress, like her mother Linda) her father and stepmother had 'gone out for dinner' and never returned.

The last Sarah had heard of them had been a postcard from Tahiti asking her if she could send on Karen's Barry Manilow CD. Since then she had been Toby's sole guardian and they both lived together in their parents unwanted house.

Sarah had had many jobs in that time. She had been a student at University (where she had studied English literature: she had failed because apparently a thesis on Sweet Valley High: The Evil Twin, just wasn't appropriate.)

She had had a brief career as an artist during which time she had painted many hot men wearing spandex and holding their (crystal) balls.

She had even had a brief spurt of insanity and written a series of vampire romance novels known unfortunately as the Times Of Day Saga: the first was called Morning, the second Afternoon, the third Mid-Afternoon and the fourth (which hadn't been as well received) Tea-Time.

But right now she was between jobs.

"What I need is a good man," Sarah mused, "Who is interested in food."

Secretly she wanted to open her own restaurant, she had even come up with a name: The Oubliette. She didn't know what oubliette meant, but she thought it sounded sexy and French.

Toby looked at her from beneath his slick emo fringe, "You have a boyfriend," he pointed out, "Dr Vaseegaran, he makes robots."

Sarah scowled and sent a text to Vasi (as she liked to call him): meet me in the park.

"I have to go."

She grabbed a cardboard box from beneath the sink and went upstairs to shove some items in it. Then, flouncing dramatically, she flounced out of the house. Then she drove her car across the road to the park where her boyfriend waited.

Pouting, she flung a contract in his face.

"Breaking up contract," she said, "I'm giving you back everything you gave me. Which, BTW I hated all of it."

Reaching into her box she pulled out a book, "Look at this, my birthday present: 'A Brief History of Time," she threw it away and pulled out another book, "'Freakonomics, bah! Did you ever buy me anything that touched me?"

Vasi smiled deviously and pointed to a pink lady-razor.

Sarah scowled.

"I thought it would touch you," he said.

Sarah emptied the box over his head and stomped back to her house. She didn't take the car because it had run out of gas and, plus, she had forgotten to apply the handbrake so it had rolled down the hill and smashed through the window of the local pharmacy.

"Done and dusted," she announced, smacking her hands together and then sitting back down at the table.

Toby looked at her, "Sarah," he began, "Do you remember when I was a baby…"

"And you pooped on my math homework, and mouth-breathed, and threw up on my prom dress, and slobbered on my Brandon Walsh Barbie, and ate my fish?" Sarah angrily ate a biscuit, "yeah, I remember."

"No," Toby rolled his eyes, "I mean, do you remember when I was a baby and you wished me away to the goblins and you had to complete Jareth's Labyrinth to get me back?"

Sarah looked at him blankly. Her face was as blank as a blank whiteboard, before anyone had written on it, ever. Like a canvass not yet unwrapped, a pumpkin not yet carved.

"No, you weirdo, I don't. I've told you a million times that must have been a dream you had on account of that time when I overdosed you with purple Calpol. Get over it."

"But it was reeeeaaaaall!" Toby whined.

"NO IT WASN'T" Sarah bellowed like a raging female cow. "GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW AND STOP TRYING TO PLANT FALSE MEMORIES IN MY MIND!"

Toby glared at her and gathered up his textbooks. Pausing near the door, the flicked the light switch off and on a couple of times. Outside the house, special effects turned the sunny day to a dark and rainy night.

"I wish the Goblins would come and take YOU away," he growled, "right NOW!"

Thunder crashed and lightning cracked across the sky. It almost reminded Sarah of a night long ago when she had been able to bear it no longer and had called on the goblins for help. When a Goblin King had fallen in love with her and had granted her certain powers, when a fucking hideous dwarf named Debbie or Donny or something had been her only true friend….

It ALMOST reminded her of that, but it didn't actually, because nothing like that had ever happened to her. Ever. Ever, ever. Ever.

Ever.

Toby left her alone in the dark, dark kitchen, and headed upstairs to finish his homework and maybe to play some Sega.

"TOBY!" she screamed, as weird little furry creatures began to scurry about her feet, one of them pausing to read the review of BEASTLY, in the newspaper she had dropped on the floor.

"I wouldn't bother," Sarah advised it, "They totally didn't stick to the book."

The creepy creature nodded sadly and then resumed its scurrying.

Suddenly a glittering, mesmerising, floating, grooving, disco ball appeared in midair, right in front of her face.

"Touch it," a seductive voice urged, "Touch it and realise everything you desire."

Sarah bit her lip, her fingers millimetres from touching the sparkling surface. Wasn't there a saying: never touch a groovy talking disco ball that gathers no moss?

"This is a very bad idea," she said to no one in particular. Then, taking a deep, calming breath, she touched it and suddenly she was falling…

Falling

Falling

Falling

Falling…into a dark, dank room filled with dozens of other girls and women. Some were teenagers and some were Sarah's age. All of them were temptingly beautiful and yet all of them were filled with a private suffering: for as long as they could remember they had felt out of step in the human world, sure that they were destined for something more.

Sarah knew this because it said so on the sign beside the one glass wall.

A group of goblin school children had their faces pressed up against the glass. Some were blowing raspberries. Their teacher, an old goblin with glasses and a sweater-set, pointed to Sarah and the other girls.

"Look, children," she said, "These are the Mary-Sues."

They all gasped in horror and Sarah began to shake her head.

"NO!" she cried.

"Now come along," the goblin teacher ushered the little goblins, "Next up are the…GARY-STUS!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sarah screamed as they walked away, "I'M NOT A MARY SUE! I'M SARAH! I'M SARAH! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!"

…...

Jareth looked up from his game of chess and smirked at the tiny image of Sarah in his crystal ball. Thousands of Mary Sues infiltrated his Labyrinth every month, hoping to get into his tight, tight, tight pants. How was he supposed to know that, this time, the person who had called upon him had been the one person his loins had lusted for since they day she had beaten him and freed herself from his clutches?

Funnily, at the time he had been rather bored by her obnoxious teenage ways, but now, suddenly, for no reason at all, he was enthralled by her.

"I will have her," Jareth vowed, "I will make her my Queen!"

"Queen of the Bog of Eternal Stench?" his chess opponent asked hopefully.

"NO!" Jareth knocked over the chessboard with a dramatic flourish, "QUEEN OF THE LABYRINTH! Queen of my Heart!"

The chess opponent, who was Dobby, rolled his eyes. At the end of the first parody he had gone to save Harry Potter from death at the hands of Voldemort and Bellatrix but Jareth had not wanted to lose the only servant he had who knew how to play chess, scrabble and twenty-questions, and so he had stopped him.

For the past dozen or so years Dobby had been chained to the table, forced into endless games of Life or Monopoly.

Without him there to save them, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna and whoever else was captured had been killed. The Wizarding world was in ruin.

This was why Dobby had sworn, over the grave of his beloved Winky, that he would take revenge on Jareth.

One day the Labyrinth would be his!