The sharp trill of the doorbell woke Kevin out of his stupor. Groggily, he rolled over, only to hit the cold side of an unslept in bed. Patrick. Fuck. Kevin's heart lurched. The doorbell continued its incessant shrill, pestering Kevin to fully awaken. He slid out of bed and stretched, his t-shirt rose slightly, exposing the merest hint of his abs.
Fuck. Patrick wasn't in the kitchen. Kevin cursed himself for being so stupid. On their moving in day. He didn't even want an open relationship. Shit. Why had he bought it up? He just wanted honesty. And now? Now he'd lost everything. Shit. The doorbell continued its chime. Whoever was on the other side was not giving up. It better not be those Grindr twats from downstairs. Kevin swore to God right then, if it was whoever found out he was Romford, he was going to rip them a new one for revealing it all to Patrick. Shit. Patrick was right. They really had to change that bell. They. Christ. Was there even a "they" anymore? Where the hell was he?
"Patrick?" Kevin opened the doors, only to be greeted by the man causing all his turmoil. "I thought…Shit… I thought you'd gone. I woke up, and I just … Fuck. I can't lose you. I won't lose you." Kevin glanced up at the love of his life stood, leaning on the door frame. "What the fuck happened to your hair?"
"I … er… got it cut," Patrick nervously ran his hand across the short, unfamiliar, stubble. "It was looking a little bit too middle aged lesbian." He smiled weakly.
Kevin reached out to run a hand through it, but then stopped himself. His hand left, awkwardly levitating in the gap between them.
"Can I come in?"
"Shit. Yes. Of course. It's our home Patrick. It will always be our home. Christ. Please say it's our home. I can't lose you Patrick. I won't lose us. Not after we've come this far."
"I know. I'm ready."
"Thank Christ." Kevin lunged for Patrick, his lips capturing Patrick's, dragging him forcefully into the middle of the apartment. Patrick's arms wrapped around Kevin, deepening the kiss, lost in the moment. Gently, Patrick put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. Slowly pushing him away.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait."
"What, what, what, what?" Kevin groaned, trying to deepen the kiss into the now empty space where Patrick had been moments previously. Not content, Kevin kept his arms wrapped around Patrick, their foreheads touching. He was not losing this connection now.
"I said I'm ready Kevin. Ready to talk." Patrick rubbed his forehead slowly against Kevin's, inhaling his scene. God Kevin smelt amazing. "I'm ready to sort this out. We can't fix this with sex. We need to talk. Like adults."
"The last time you said that, you walked away from me Patrick. I don't know how many times I can take you walking away from me." Kevin said quietly, his voice catching, as he swallowed back tears.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just needed to think…to process… to remember."
"…to get your hair cut?"
Patrick smiled weakly, "That too. New me. New hair."
"So what does Richie have to say about how I've fucked up then? Christ. I bet he's smug as shit isn't he?" Kevin exhaled.
"I didn't talk to him about it, actually."
"But you went to him? When you needed to run, he's where you went? Fucking hell." Kevin walked away and began pacing back and forth in front of the big open window. The bright sunlight glinted off the surrounding buildings, taunting at the happiness that was spreading over the city. Yet, here they were. Rehashing the same old arguments. Patrick had run; and he'd ran straight back to Richie. Christ. That hurt. More than anything.
"He's a friend. I needed a haircut. I needed space to think. That's it. Are you seriously getting judgey because I went to see a friend? After everything you said last night. The little tugs in the Sauna. A reach around in the sauna. Zac Efron? And you're going to judge me for going to see a friend? Wow. Ok. Double standards much?"
"I told you Patrick! They meant nothing! They're in the past." Kevin groaned and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing, "But Richie…it's different… you had history with. The guy's clearly still fucking in love with you. Richie means something to you."
"Then you have to trust me." Patrick said, meeting Kevin's eyes to challenge him; using his phrasing from last night to taunt him. Patrick knew it was bitchy. He knew he was twisting the knife in deeper. But seriously? Had Kevin really just had the audacity to judge him, after everything Kevin had confessed last night. "Or … you know … seeing as this is an open relationship and all. Maybe you don't need to trust me. Since it clearly doesn't matter to you who the hell either of us fuck."
"For FUCKS SAKE Patrick. How many times do I have to say it? I do NOT want an open relationship. Will you please just LISTEN to me. Ok? … Just listen." Kevin paused to look at Patrick. Patrick took a seat on the edge of the sofa and nodded once, meekly, to show he was prepared to listen. "My relationship with Jon. It was based on lies. I mean, I loved him once. Not like I love you, but I suppose I did love him. But it was tough. I got the job here. Jon was in Seattle. It was long distance, you know. And then I met you, and you tore me apart. Every minute was spent thinking about you. Every time I closed my eyes, you were all I could see. And I thought it was lust. Y'know? Like I missed Jon, and I was horny, and there you were in front of me, with your pert little arse. So, I dealt with it. Opportunities at the gym, moments in the Sauna. Little things. Jon wasn't there, and I'm your boss. Christ. I couldn't do anything with you. And it helped. The thrill… the excitement. It helped a little bit. Then I'd see you… And you'd smile at me Patrick Murray. Or I'd watch you chat with Owen through the glass. Fucking hell, I'd be jealous of Owen, sat next to you, laughing with you. You'd be showing Owen something on your computer, and he'd be leaning across you, and all I could think about is how much of a lucky bastard he is. How much I wanted it to be me leaning across you… feeling your body underneath mine. Listening to your breath hitch whenever I touched you. So then I'd go to the gym, and there would be an offer, and Jon wasn't around, and you were sending me crazy Patrick Murray. It was all because of you. But nothing was enough. And then I kissed you. At the wedding. Jesus Christ, it took every inch of my being to resist you in that tuxedo. When I did your bow tie, I would have happily taken you there and then, in front of your sister and mother."
"Well, I'm glad you didn't. My sister hates you enough as it is for breaking up with Jon. She would have never forgiven you for ruining her wedding photos."
Kevin chuckled out loud. Patrick was joking. That was good. "When I was with Jon, I wasn't happy Patrick. It was nothing like we have ever had. Not even when we first started out. Not really. It was all routine; those little moments happened because of you. I was trying to replace my feelings for you. Because everything is about you. And I thought that was me, and how I was in a relationship. I cheated when I was younger. When everyone thought I was straight because I had a girlfriend, but secretly I was hooking up with Jason from the football team every Saturday afternoon. So I thought that's how I am. It's what I need in a relationship. But it's not Patrick Murray. Those little moments? They happened because I was hiding how I feel. They're not you." Kevin took a deep breath to steady himself. He felt lighter already. Patrick was listening. He was understanding. He had to understand. "The night of the Halloween party, Jon tried to have sex with me. And I couldn't, because I felt like I was cheating on you. You'd broken up with me, and I was with Jon anyway, yet I felt unfaithful to you. It's only been you. Since we met. Only you."
Patrick got up from where he had been sat. Slowly, he walked towards Kevin, and took his hand. He looked down at it, turning it over and over in his own palm. "But you still had Grindr Kevin. And all that shit last night about Mark Ruffalo, and Zac Efron. I can't have that."
"I told you Patrick. I'll change. I'll adjust. I won't be that person if you don't want me to be. I don't need to be that person when I have you."
"I don't want to be a 14 year old girl Kevin. That girl who is convinced she can make her boyfriend change. 'Cause we all know how that turns out … 16 and pregnant."
"I'm not really sure that's a big concern for you Patrick … although I'm more than happy to make the most of our bed and practise getting you pregnant. We could be miracles of modern science" Kevin grinned seductively and tried to pull Patrick towards the bedroom.
Patrick grinned at Kevin, and then his features softened and turned serious, causing Kevin to still.
"What is it Patrick? Talk to me…"
"What if I'm not enough Kevin? What if I'm not enough to tempt you, and keep you faithful? You say you'll change … but how do I trust that? I mean, we work together, and we live together. What if you get bored of coming home to me and being around you all the time. What if some new hotty starts working in the Office, or moves in to the apartment below. And you start lusting over them in the same way you were with me. What if I become Jon. Oh Jesus. I'm going to turn into Jon. And not realise that this perfect boyfriend of mine is screwing around behind my back."
