1. Why Not?
Only twenty-four hours ago, Elio was having dinner with his parents and their friends. He was counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds, until midnight. And once midnight had come, Elio had finally gotten what he had been longing for for weeks. Or what he thought he had been longing for for weeks.
But once the morning came, and the sun had come up, he hadn't felt as happy as he thought he would. Sure, his questions had been answered. But something didn't sit right, something deep down in the pit of his stomach.
Is this what he had wanted? Had it just been curiosity? Does he want to be with Oliver? Does he want to be Oliver? Had he just wanted to taste him? Does he love him? Hate him? Want to hurt him? Is he himself now in fact hurting? Is he relieved that it has happened? Upset? Both? Would he turn back time and stop it from happening if he could? Or would he do it again if given the chance?
His mind had still been racing, full of questions, full of conflictions, as he had broken down in Oliver's arms, telling him that he doesn't want him to go. Oliver had kissed him and held him for a long time, and slowly but surely, Elio could feel his mind slowing down. Being held by Oliver, being in his arms, something had just felt right.
As Elio steps into the shower, to wash himself clean, after making love to Oliver again, he is still thinking about everything that has happened since midnight. It was only yesterday morning, but it feels like days since he had written his note, since he had found Oliver's note, since he had spent time with Marzia. Just thinking about her now makes him feel guilty.
But as he closes his eyes, the water washing him clean, for just a moment he allows himself to think about the future. Sure enough, Oliver will go back to the United States in a matter of days. But will he come back here, when he has some time off? Will they meet up in the United States? Will they go and see the world together? Just leave everything be for a few months, and go travel? Just the thought of spending more time together, makes Elio feel an odd sensation in the pit of his stomach. He doesn't even want to admit it to himself, but this is what he wants, just the two of them, doing things together. Not just now, but tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. He wants to be with Oliver, here in Italy, in the United States, it doesn't matter where. He just wants to be with him.
But the second he allows himself to think of a future together, he opens his eyes, and he takes a deep breath. He tells himself that he is being naïve, that Oliver is going home, that it could never work. But there is this small voice in the back of his mind, that keeps asking him, why not? Why can't the two of you make it work? Why not?
"Are you happy?" Oliver asks, when he and Elio are out in the yard, Elio staring up at the sky. It's nearly midnight, nearly twenty-four hours since things had officially changed between them.
"I am," Elio says, as he looks over at Oliver, who has been looking at him for a while now. "Are you?"
"You make me happy," Oliver admits, but there is an intense sadness in his eyes. Elio notices, but he is too scared to ask him why he is upset. Scared that he might hear something he doesn't want to hear.
So he simply moves closer towards him, and kisses him. And as he feels Oliver's hand on his back, pulling him closer, he feels himself melting into him. Yes, this is what he wants. Yes, this makes him happy.
But just as Elio is losing himself in the kiss, he hears people coming out into the yard. He quickly moves away from Oliver, but not quick enough, because he can hear how the voices of his parents stop, and he knows that they have just seen what was happening.
Oliver jumps up, quickly adjusting his clothing, his face flushed, out of embarrassment at having been caught. But when Elio gets up, and puts a hand on his arm, to tell him it's okay, that his parents won't mind, Oliver pushes him away.
"Don't touch me," he snaps, but he quickly takes a step back, shocked at his own reaction. And when he looks up at Annella and Samuel, who have seen everything, he just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.
"Elio, why don't you go inside?" Samuel suggests.
"But…," Elio begins, but Annella shakes her head. She holds out her hand, so Elio sighs, and follows his mother into the house, not sure what will happen now. Will his father get angry with Oliver? Will they discuss what had happened? Will Oliver confess to him that they have had sex? Will his father send him away?
"He didn't do anything," Elio says, as soon as he and Annella step into the living area. "I kissed him, he…"
"Darling…"
"But mom, he…," Elio tries, but Annella just raises an eyebrow. "He didn't do anything wrong. You can't let dad send him away."
"Sit down," Annella says, as she sits down on the sofa, and pats down the space next to her. "What happened?"
"Nothing, we just… nothing," Elio lies, as he sits down next to his mother. "We were talking, and I kissed him. I messed up, I'm sorry."
"And last night?"
"I was with you all night," Elio tries, but when his mother raises an eyebrow again, he knows that his mother knows. "I'm sorry…"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, darling. If you like Oliver, then… and you do, don't you? I mean, truly like him."
"I do," Elio admits.
"Then you have nothing to be sorry for. But he is going to go back to the United States, and you might never see him again," Annella says, and Elio nods, looking down at his hands. "And I fear that things might be different for him over there than they are here for you."
"What do you mean?"
"I…," Annella begins, but when they hear footsteps, they both look up. Oliver walks past the room, but he doesn't look their way.
"Elio, will you give us a minute?" Samuel asks, when he comes into the room. "And please do not go upstairs."
"But…"
"Not now, please," Samuel sighs. Elio gives a little nod, before leaving the room. He looks up the stairs, to see if Oliver is waiting for him, to give him a sign that everything is okay, that they are still okay. But Oliver is nowhere to be seen. So he goes out into the yard, and lies back down.
Elio is still half-asleep when he hears Oliver's voice. At first he thinks that Oliver is talking to him, that they are still out in the yard together. But then he remembers what had happened, and he realises that Oliver's voice is not out here in the yard at all. He sits up, and after a few more moments, realises what is going on. He jumps up, and runs out towards the voices, but he is too late. And although he runs after the car, and yells out for Oliver, the car doesn't stop, and Oliver doesn't turn around to look. So he turns back around, and goes up to his parents, his heart nearly beating out of his chest.
"Why did you send him away?" he asks, his parents still standing outside, having watched him run after the car, unable to stop him.
"I didn't send him away," Samuel admits.
"What?"
"He wanted to leave," Annella explains.
"No, but… but we…," Elio tries, unable to understand. "Why would he want to leave?"
"He did not want to leave because of you," Samuel says, but Elio can already feel the tears stinging in his eyes. He was supposed to have more time with Oliver, more minutes, hours, days. How can he be gone now, just like this?
"Maybe it's for the best, darling," Annella tries, but Elio can't stop the tears from falling down his face. His parents come up to him, and both wrap their arms around him. Both fully aware of what had been going on, from the moment it had started. Both fully aware that their son's heart has just been broken. Both fully aware that there is absolutely nothing that they can do to fix it.
It has been a few days, and Elio hasn't left his room. Not even to eat. Mafalda will bring him something to eat, but she usually finds full plates of food, untouched, still sitting by the door. Elio's parents are worried about him, but they know that this is something that he has got to go through, and that it will get better with time.
But when Annella knocks on his door, and there is no answer, she can't help but feel worried. Because what if something has happened to him? What if he has done something stupid?
She tries again, but again there is no answer. So she opens the door, usually not one to go into her son's room without having been told to come inside, but this time it's different.
When she finds Elio in bed, curled up into a ball, silently crying, her heart breaks for him. She kneels down beside him, and wraps her arms around him.
"He didn't even say goodbye to me," Elio whispers, as his mother brushes her fingers through his hair.
"I know, darling. I know."
"Why did he leave?" Elio asks, when his father is sitting with him in his room that night. "If it's not because of me, then why did he leave?"
"Oliver is… he is a good man, but… this? This thing between you? It was causing him a great deal of pain."
"Why?" Elio asks, not understanding. "He told me it was what he wanted, that it made him happy. Then why… if he didn't want it, why didn't he just… I didn't force him to do anything."
"You have to understand that he has a life back in the United States. A life that this… you… perhaps don't fit into," Samuel tries to explain, while trying not to hurt his son. "But I do believe that you made him very happy, Elio, and that you mean a great deal to him."
"Then why did he leave without saying goodbye to me?"
"Because he is scared."
"He could have told me, he…," Elio says, but when he feels his throat tightening again, he looks down at his hands. Samuel sighs, before putting a hand on his sons' hands, and giving them a small squeeze.
"I know."
Elio is still up in his room, when he hears raised voices. At first he thinks his parents are having guests over, but when he gets up, and opens his door, to hear what is going on, he realises that his parents are having a heated discussion.
He quietly steps out of his room, and makes his way over to the top of the stairs, so he can hear what the discussion is about.
"… just don't think it is a good idea."
"He needs this, even just to have closure," Samuel argues. "How would you feel, if I would just leave without saying goodbye?"
"Are you really comparing our marriage to this… summer romance?" Annella asks, clearly offended. "What do you think is going to happen? Oliver will change his mind, and they live happily ever after?"
"No, but…"
"If you do this, you will only cause Elio more pain."
"He is already hurting," Samuel argues. "Don't you think he deserves another shot at…"
"At what? More rejection? Do you really want to put him through that?"
"They can have more time together, Annella. You did not see Oliver, he…," Samuel sighs. Elio can hear his father saying something else, but he is keeping his voice down now, so Elio can't make out what he is saying.
"I am telling you," Annella says, as she comes out of the room. "This will only hurt him more."
"Or he will have more beautiful memories to look back on," Samuel argues.
"Or he…," Annella begins, but then she notices her son sitting at the top of the stairs, listening in on the discussion. "Please don't do this," she whispers at her husband, but knowing fully well what is going to happen.
"Elio, put on your shoes," Samuel says, and Annella sighs, shaking her head. Within seconds, Elio is in the next room, putting on his shoes and his jacket, getting ready to follow his father, wherever they are going.
"I thought Oliver had gone home," he says, when they are in the car. His heart is nearly beating out of his chest from excitement at the thought of seeing Oliver again. He is fully aware of the fact that they hadn't parted in the best of ways, but knowing that he will be in a room with him again, that he will be able to see him again, speak to him, it's more than he thought he would ever have again.
"Not yet," Samuel says, a serious look on his face, as they drive off. Elio can see that he is worried, nervous even. Perhaps regretting his decision to take his son to go see the man who has already broken his heart once, and will most likely break it again.
"Elio? What are you doing here?" Oliver asks, as Elio steps into his room. Elio had expected him to look angry, or upset, but there is a shy smile on his face. But the smile soon turns into a worried look. "Is everything okay? Are your parents okay?"
"Yeah, they're… everyone is fine," Elio says, looking around the room, not sure what to say or do now. "My dad, he ehm…"
"He didn't send me away."
"I know," Elio says, looking down at his feet. "You wanted to leave."
"I did."
"Because of me."
"No, not…," Oliver sighs, and Elio looks up at him. "What did your father tell you?"
"Not much, just that you wanted to leave."
"Not because of you, Elio. What we did, what I felt… you made me happy. You have to believe me, but…"
"Is that why you left without saying goodbye?" Elio asks, obviously very hurt. But Oliver is also clearly struggling with what is going on, and Elio sees that he hadn't meant to hurt him, that there is something more going on here.
"No, I… I'm sorry," Oliver says. Elio gives a little nod, but he doesn't know what else to say, and an uncomfortable silence follows. But then he sits down next to Oliver, on the side of the bed, and he grabs his hand, expecting to be pushed away. But when he looks up at the taller man, he sees the shyest smile on his face.
"Why did you get so upset when my parents saw us? They don't care that we were…"
"I know they don't, but other people do," Oliver interrupts him.
"What do you mean?"
"You have to know that people care."
"Around here they don't. I don't think they will…," Elio says, and Oliver can't help but smile. "What?"
"Nothing."
"No, tell me," Elio says, but Oliver just reaches his hand up, to brush the hair out of Elio's face. He leans forward, and presses his lips against Elio's, every so carefully, as though he's afraid to break him. But Elio has been longing to kiss him for days, and he is hungry for more, so he tries to get more out of the kiss. More kisses, kisses that they have missed out on, more passion, more anything. But Oliver carefully pushes him away, laughing.
"Calm down," he laughs, his hand still on Elio's chest.
"Please come back."
"You know that nothing has changed, right?"
"I know," Elio says, flashing a small smile. But he isn't sure what it means. Has nothing changed between them? Will they go on as they had, before his parents had caught them making out? Or has nothing changed, as in, he will still have to go back home in a few days, but there is still a chance of a future together? Or nothing has changed as in, I will come back, but I have said goodbye to this, to us?
"Welcome back," Annella says, as the three men step into the house. She is smiling, but as soon as the two younger man have walked past her, she raises an eyebrow at her husband.
"I had to do this."
"Well, I hope you know what you are doing."
