Dear Feliciano Vargas, You will be sorely missed. If there is one thing I wish you to understand, it is that. Your easy smile and poorly timed jokes were a little ray of sunshine in so many peoples lives. So few had any idea of your internal struggles. I could not be counted among those few. Though outwardly, the mood of our meetings was kept fairly light, darkness always hung in the background.
Of course, I blame myself for your demise. If there is a second thing that I would like you to know, It is that I love you. I know that I never said it out loud, and it doesn't help to tell you now. I should have said it. I should have said it to you every day, those very words, "I love you." Till it had been pounded into your thick, adorable skull. I can't for the life of me understand how you never understood that. I suppose your self esteem had to of been so low, your inner demons so loud that you must have believed that nobody could ever love you.
I had previously refused to say "I love you". It has been overused betrayed and weaponised in my own life experience. I chose instead, to communicate it through actions. Every flower crown prowdly worn, every stolen kiss, every time we just sat together at home watching cartoons, every meal cooked and eaten together, I was saying "I love you." And now you will never hear it again, from anyone, save maybe your father in heaven. I have no doubt you are in heaven, Feli.
You never brought anything but goodness into this world.
Love, Ludwig
This story is dedicated to Jacob Cohen the third. 12th December, 1996 to 23rd May, 2016
