At first one little thing: I'm not native in English, so I make mistakes. Please try to understand and correct me if needed! This is first time I try to write fanfiction in English, I have written over hundred pages in Finnish but I bet here are really few that can read those. And little disclaimer in Finnish: jos osaat lukea tämän on sinun aivan pakko kommentoida

- Tobias pov -

Six years ago I moved to Providence, to work with Johanna. It was kind of relief at first to live away from Chicago, this was a new place, new life. My mother lived still at Chicago, in the house I got after war, small house near river. She has some new man in her life, she was happy. All my friend that had survived from war were happy, living at Chicago, getting on in their lives. I was only one that had started new life away from the place that has caused so much pain. But old memories had followed

Last night was one of those nights that I couldn't sleep. Haunted by memories of lost love, lost friends was agonizing. Few hours that I slept early in the morning was filled with images, memories of Tris. It has been almost ten years after her death and I still miss her. It's always same dream; I wake up shouting her name aloud, trying to catch her, but she always runs away, never turning back, never even looking back. I knew I couldn't sleep more so I got up and went to shower. From bathroom mirror looked a tired, old man back. I was horrified but I had to admit that I looked more and more of my dad these days. This was again a morning that I regret that I hadn't taken that memory serum, that I had Christina talked me into not to take that, it would have been a easy relief, easy way out. I wished that I could forget this pain and grief, I didn't want to forget Tris. I was not hungry so I headed outside. City was quiet, only few people up this early. It was too early to go to work so I sit down on marble steps and look around park, our city center, heart of the city. Because of early hours there are just few joggers here. One girl runs fast, I could see by her movement that she trains a lot.

I'm lost in my toughs, just looking, imagining, remembering, wondering. Asking those old "if only" questions. If only Tris haven't died, if only Caleb had been the one that got shot, if only... Girl keeps steady pace, lap after lap after lap. She doesn't get tired and I remember those days in dauntless, morning runs with initiatives, making them do extra laps. It has been a while since I have run and it shows in my body also. Getting old and fat, I think and look that young girl again. I wonder how old she is, I guess something about 20, 22 years max. All the world open for her, she can be anything she wishes. We had to choose one thing we are, they have all given for them.

Something of her was still ringing bells in my mind, she made me remember the old days. She reminded someone, looks, runs like someone that I have known. But who? Tris? Then I looked away and sighted, no, she wasn't anything like Tris. I look up to the sky, seeing another sunrise after her death, another day beginning.

My mum always said that I should let her memory go, get over her death. I should go out and find someone to love, have children. Soon I will turn 30. No wife, no kids, no Tris. Mum doesn't understand that I had found The One and Only to love but it didn't last and I was not going to love and loose again. I don't want that kind of emotional mess again, not after all these years. Life after Tris had been really tough, I had tried to drown my sorrows in whiskey too many times but the sorrows had floated. Too many nights at bar, drinking, too many days in hangover. And yes, I had met girls but I had never let myself to fall in love again. Never will!

I looked at the girl again, she was running faster, her jet black ponytail swinging. "Last lap, speed up!" someone shouted and she obeyed. I rose up, it was time to go to work, new day waited and Johanna would be there soon. She understood what I haven gone through. I swiped dust away from pants and headed towards the office, on other corner of the park. When getting to running tracks I had to wait for the girl pass me. I could see her smile, her perfect full pink lips, white teeth, light blue-grey eyes. She was young, as I had guessed. And pretty, pretty little thing. I was smiling to her for a brief moment, then remembered. She wasn't Tris.

Near the entry to the office was a young guy standing, looking his watch. Girl came running and when she reached boy he stopped the watch. "Nice round that last one, keep speed like that and you will win the race!" He said. I saw that girl looked straight to me and quickened my steps. From the corner of my eye I saw them kissing. I jealous, why it's so easy to everyone other but it wasn't for me?

"Oh, you are early today!" Johanna says when I enter our office. She is reading some newspaper, drinking coffee. "Last weeks at the office, had to bee early to get everything done" I reply. Soon we will head back to Chicago and I will start my election campaign, election will be held next year and Johanna is going to announce that she is going to retire after this season and I will be next candidate from Chicago to get to the government. Johanna has done great job and she will be supporting me, she has promised so. She wants to see me in her place and so do I.

I get a cup of coffee, it doesn't taste good but it keeps me awake. We read newspapers silent and then I realize Johanna is watching me. "Did you remember you will meet your personal trainer today?". I look up and know that answer is in my face, I don't need to say I have forgotten. "Yes you said..." I reply and she continues "but you forgot." She nods and someone enters to room. I turn and see Amar, after a really long time. "Amar, my man!" I greet him and he is smiling, but looking me from head to toe at same time. Without saying I know what he sees. An old,tired, fat shadow of once famous Four.

Amar sighs. "Lucky for you Four we have almost a year to do this, but still it's not going to be easy." I smile a bit "I know, no more fun". Amar raises his eyebrows "fun? Are you really having fun?" I have to shake my head. "Not really, just eating lots of carbs, drinking too much, running and training too little. I'm not Four anymore, I'm Tobias." "For me you are always Four even you are now a man, not a boy anymore" Amar replies. I think that is nicest thing that anyone has said to me in years! But Amar has always been nice to me, after he found out that I'm also a divergent.

We chat a long time, he shows pictures of his family, he has a nice house with George and they have had twins few years earlier through a surrogacy. For a little time I envy him. He has everything, I have only a hole in my heart, a hole that David shot when he shot Tris. Amar is polite, he doesn't ask if I have someone, he figures it out that I'm alone. When we go to lunch I look around at park, hoping to see that girl again but no, she is not here anymore. I'm wondering who she is and same time I wonder where this sudden interest comes from. I guess it's the springtime that gets my old hormones race again. I didn't know that I had hormones anymore...

Next morning I meet Amar at park, I have to run endless amount of laps, till I can't run anymore. First I was looking if that girl from last morning is there also but soon I'm happy that she wasn't. I get to breath and relax few minutes and then I have to run again. My legs are burning but first time in years I feel kind of happiness, at least something other than pain and grief. Amar makes me do some exercises, push ups, sit ups and stuff like that and they are hard to do, they were never this hard when I was a initiative at dauntless. I'm sweating like a pig... "Are you trying to kill me Amar?" I manage to ask between breaths and he chuckles "Christina heard that I'm coming to train you and asked me to be hard. Well she said, from word to word, be harder than you were for them when they were initiatives." It's sudden bang of pain again to my heart. Christina were initiative with Tris. Amar sees my face and offers his hand to help me up. "It's time to head to the shower, you stink Four!" he says and I can't argue with that. When I'm up I see that girl again, she is tying sneakers, wearing a little tank top and micro shorts. I see that Amar is also looking up girl and like myself he is happy with what he sees. "Hi Alexa, how are you?" he says to girl and girl raises her head up, looks to us and smiles. "Amar! So nice to see you! What are you doing here in Providence?". Amar looks to me and chuckles "I'm training my OLD friend, he was getting old and fat...". I would so much like to punch Amars face now and when I see how Alexa looks me and agrees that I'm just a fat, old man I get so angry! Truth hurts? Luckily I remember my manners and greet Alexa "hi, I'm Tobias" and Amar explains "Alexa was one of my best students at high school, I was their coach. But what are you doing here in Providence?". I left them and head for the showers, but overhear when she explains "I'm training for the triathlon at Market Day next month you know.". Something in Alexas voice is familiar and now knowing that she comes also from Chicago area is making me wonder who she really is. How I have a feeling that I know her?

Days and weeks fly by, we went to Chicago, announce me to be next candidate and got back to Providence. Amar made a hard training program to me, to get me fit again, to get "the one and real Four" back to business. I'm surprised how much I liked the training, running and lifting weights, punching bags. We have a pretty good gym at same building than our office is and I use it a lot, a hour or hour and half in morning, depending how much and good I have slept, a hour or two after work. I quit drinking alcohol and notice soon that I sleep better, dreamless nights. After six months I'm at my target weight, I have new suits and I have never looked better I think. After a really long talk Johanna gets me to face treatment, it's not very manly thing you know and I let Johanna know that also but it does miracles to me. After a haircut I look to mirror and see Four, first time after many years. Well, little older and colder I think, but it's finally me.

"Now my work is done" Amar says when he looks to me. " Keep up training, don't loose this what you have done or I will come and kill you" he reminds with a smirk. "If I ever loose this, let this go again then please do so" I reply chuckling and Amar heads back home, to his family. We have four months work until it's election day, day that once was the Choosing Day. I go and get my campaign photos taken, most of them of me wearing a suit but some are me with tight black t-shirt and jeans. When I see campaign adds they really portrait me as Four, not as Tobias Eaton. I look up from adds and ask Johanna "do you know who will be my opponent?". She nods "Yes I do and so do you, Caleb Prior is city councils candidate for government this year."