A/N: For those of you who might be wondering "Hey, doesn't this seem familiar and all...?", you're probably right in regarding this fanfic with suspicion, for this is a rehash of an old (and incomplete) fic that I posted on an older account of mine. Thanks to a certain amount of guilt and regret at not reaching my target amount of chapters with the original story, I've given the old letters a fair bit of heavy editing (to reflect my altered perception of characters and the [hopefully positive] changes in my writing skills) and shoved them onto here again. Feel free to request if you'd like to see a particular trope being written about, though; I have a fair number of unedited letters backed up, which I'll post up as I get the time to edit them, but I don't have every single trope contained in here.

In any case, please don't be offended by the content of the letters in here; this is a light-hearted fic where I will make fun of anything and everything, including myself.
If you don't like yaoi/yuri references, words that quite literally drip with sarcasm and profanities, then I'd suggest you to hit that 'back' button right about now.
Durarara! is owned by Ryohgo Narita; the various tropes that I'll address here belong to their respective authors.
...And flames will be used to heat my very cold bed, while reviews/PMs will be used to keep me inspired~


~ Orihara Izaya I [Neko!Izaya] ~


My Dear Fanfiction Writers,

When I had first ventured online as a result of confirming certain… distasteful rumours… that I'd found circulating about myself online, I had expected to find that they were fanciful tales that a certain prissy secretary had mentioned to me as some form of petty revenge. Instead, I've found a great deal of material listing hideous assumptions that I, quite frankly, find demeaning, but I'll talk about those when I have some more spare time to address such issues.

For now, though, I'd just like to mention that I am above humans and that, as such, I will never stoop to the level of being half-human and half-beast, as a great many writers seem all too fond of portraying me as. Yes, I know that not all humans love me as they should and that some of you believe that you are greater than the almighty God of Ikebukuro, but does my superiority stagger you to the extent that you need to make me a feline-humanoid hybrid of some sort? Seriously, whatever possessed the lot of you to believe that I traipse around Ikebukuro with a sleek black tail sticking straight out of my behind, not to mention the fluffy pointed ears that are, somehow, so sensitive that they'd make me aroused at the slightest touch?!

I may like my fair share of ootoro and I may be a little high-maintenance for the average human, but I'm certainly not someone's owned pet! Yes, it would be nice to be served front paw and hind paw, but it would certainly be of greater benefit to all of us if you realized that I own distinctly human hands and feet. I don't wear a collar like your average animal, I do not lick myself all over to ensure that I am clean –baths exist for a reason, for those degenerate beings that have never encountered one– and I speak fluent Japanese, not meow. Feathers, balls of yarn, catnip and milk will not make me dance at your feet, begging for your attention or the item you wave so stupidly in your hands, though fish and the odd massage would be lovely.

…But really, whatever made you think that I, the greatness that is Orihara Izaya, would ever descend to the level of having a master, of all things? Even if I were to be a cat, I would be a free one that was pampered by all and owned by none, for I would be free to wander the windowsills of mankind and rob all your skim milk with a flick of my tail and a perfectly-pitched meow! What would possess people to make me someone's pet cat-human hybrid… and whatever would possess any of you to think that I would be a hybrid used to pleasure people (or… urgh… a certain disgusting monster)?!

And what makes any of you think that I wouldn't hesitate to slit Shinra's or Namie's throats if they ever so much as thought about experimenting on my perfect body?!

If I were a cat-human hybrid, I would be hissing as my fur stood up on end, while my elongated claws raked bloody furrows into your ungrateful skin for subjecting me to your horrific fantasies. However, as I am quite thankfully human and you are all simply deluded (yet adorably flawed) human beings, I shall content myself with giving you all a warning from your maker, along with a list of psychiatrists that you could discuss your mental issues with. If speaking with a trained professional doesn't work, though, you are more than welcome to make an appointment with me so that I may learn about your curiously twisted minds… though I won't do it free of charge. After all, I have an information brokering business to run, and I'm not exactly made out of dispensable gold, either.

But seriously, my dear fanfiction writers, do reconsider rewriting me as someone that is more fitting of my amazing name when you happen to feel an overwhelming urge to praise my greatness. At the very least, make it so that I'm the most godly cat-human hybrid that has ever existed in the universe, okay~?

…Not that I'm thinking of living a double life as a pampered cat-human hybrid, per se…

With Love, Orihara Izaya

P.S. Even though I may not be part-cat, feel free to send me offerings of ootoro. There's never enough of that godly food to go around, and Russia Sushi is going to bankrupt me soon.

P.P.S. If that retarded protozoan did half the things he does in your so-called 'Neko!Izaya' stories, I would castrate him in a heartbeat… or dismember him for being a bestiality-loving ingrate…


A/N: I quite like some of the stories I've read where Neko!Izaya is featured as a character, but don't tell Izaya that... or I'll get murdered... *gulps nervously*