Of Goa'uld Ships and Toilets

By a very random person

A/N – Yay! My first Stargate fic ever! I hereby designate this fic in honor of SpaceMonkey0941 who has lent me her Stargate DVDs for the past few weeks. This fic is set during the last episode of season 1/ first episode of season 2. Take your pick. It doesn't make a big difference. And now, on to the story.

'Muahaha' Jack thought as he crept through the halls of the Goa'uld pyramid ship. The walls were gold and had lots of little niches in the wall for any intruders to hide in. 'Gotta love those nifty design features.'

"Jack" Daniel called, or rather, called in a stealthy way (to avoid the Jaffa from hearing them), "I have to pee."

"Pee?" Teal'c asked ponderously, "I am not aware of the meaning of that verb."

"To go to the bathroom, restroom, toilet, you know, bodily functions and all that." Jack responded, annoyed because the more noise made the worse their tactical position would be from an observer with a keen ears' point of view.

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Thanks for explaining that Jack. Now, Teal'c I'm assuming, since Goa'uld are just taking over the host body still need to um, go to the restroom-"

"Although" Sam interrupted, "that would be a fascinating thing to study – forget just grabbing a symbiote to study, get the host to and maybe figure out what it does to bodily waste, I mean, imagine if nobody had to go to the bathroom anymore – wait, if they don't pee, do women hosts even have periods?"

"Carter/Sam!" Jack and Daniel respectively chorused. Jack glared at Daniel and then whispered, "We're on a freaking alien ship – we do not need to talk about…PMS and things like that!"

"Why, does it annoy your male sensibilities? I'll have you know that if it weren't for the female reproductive cycle, you wouldn't have even been born or-"

"Shut it, Carter," Jack whispered, "I don't know if you noticed, but we're infiltrating an alien ship thing that's going to blow up our planet, could you cut the talk a bit right now?"

"I still have to go pee, Jack," Daniel said desperately.

"Right. Teal'c, is there a restroom anywhere around here?" Jack asked.

"A restroom? The Goa'uld rest in the sarcophagi, and the Jaffa sleep in crowded quarters. We will be captured if we attempt to sleep there." Teal'c answered.

"No, no! Not a place of rest, a place where you uh, expel bodily waste – don't tell me you don't know where that is!"

"Oh. Then we take the next corridor-" Teal'c paused as the sound of stomping Jaffa boots echoed down the hallway. Everyone else scrunched closer to the wall even though they were practically invisible in the little nooks in the wall. The Jaffa streamed past and after a couple of seconds all was quiet once again.

"You were saying?" Jack motioned Teal'c to continue.

"You take the next corridor-" Teal'c paused again as more Jaffa started walking past. Daniel whimpered.

"Alright, they're gone. Continue," Jack said impatiently, eyeing Daniel who was looking annoyed.

"I shall continue," Teal'c said, "You take the next corridor-" Once again Jaffa streamed down the hallway.

Blam

Blam

Blam

Blam

Blam

Blam

Sam, Jack, and Teal'c stared at Daniel (and the dead, mutilated, bloody corpses of the Jaffa who had been patrolling the hallway) in amazement (Or, Sam and Jack stared at Daniel in amazement, Teal'c stared impassively). Daniel reloaded his gun and glared at Teal'c.

"So where's the bathroom at?"

Review please!