A/N Well, I should be writing an Ancient History essay right now, about emperors and generals... but I'm sick, and I really miss writing some good old Roomie fics. Plus I'm a bit angsty atm, so I thought I'd transfer my angst to fanfic! Anyway, this should be a full-length fic, but I'm not sure... we'll see what happens.

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any characters/storylines from that... etc etc (also I don't own any song lyrics I may use!)

Setting etc: 4 years after the end of season 13. Ray moved to Baton Rouge, to try and collect the pieces of his life together. Neela was badly injured in the riot at the peace rally, but survived and continued living in Chicago. All other bits of background will be explained in the story. But basically, they haven't seen each other in many years, until circumstances force a reunion. As to the ages of the characters, I wasn't really sure, so I just went with whatever! I'm putting Neela as around 35, Ray about the same, Abby a coupla years older and Joe's about 5 or 6!

My Brown Eyed Girl

Chapter One- Ray

"When they get to the part

where he's breaking her heart,

It can really make me cry"

-The Carpenters

I knew I was going to meet her. Of course I would. It was the first time I'd come out of Baton Rouge since moving there four years ago and I was going to a medical convention. I couldn't have given Fate a better chance unless I actually went back to County and there was no way that was happening. I didn't really want to go to this convention but it had sounded really interesting and... well I wanted to see her again. I may as well admit that to myself. I wanted to see what she looked like now, how she was. I just wasn't sure if I actually wanted to talk to her. Well, I wasn't sure if I could cope with talking to her again.

My Mom gave me a lift to Baton Rouge Metropolitan airport, she wouldn't hear of it that I'd get a taxi, and I got the 11.45am flight to New York. The flight was kind of uncomfortable, flights always had been 'cause I was tall, but with my prosthetics my legs usually ached anyway so I was sort of used to the dull pain. People I'd met at the support sessions told me the pain would lessen. People always said that though, you couldn't exactly go round saying "yeah sorry, you're going to have to live with that pain forever." People would never get better. I knew all the doctor bullshit, all the euphemisms. It had been hard having them spouted to me. But the pain had lessened, not just the pain of my legs, but the pain of losing my home, my friends, and my heart. It wasn't that it had stopped hurting... just that I had got used to it hurting.

As the plane was landing my stomach started to turn to butterflies. I wasn't nervous about crashing or anything, I was nervous about coming face to face with my past. I just knew she'd be there.


I crashed onto my hotel bed after a day of lectures and a very filling dinner accompanied by champagne. She wasn't here. After all the anticipation I hadn't found her. I'd been determined she'd be here.

For the past four years I'd been living in Baton Rouge, pulling my life back together. I had to learn to use my prosthetics. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Second only to driving away from Chicago. That day I had to clamp my teeth together to stop myself screaming out "Turn round, turn round!" Only the anger kept me going, kept me moving away from her. And a few weeks later when my new legs were being fitted and the regret had set in it was only the knowledge that I wouldn't, couldn't let her see me like that. I was a mess, I relied totally on others at first. She didn't need to see me like that. It had been my anger at her that kept me running away, it was anger at myself that made me walk. I wanted to walk back into her life, not just the man I was before the accident but better.

And finally I'd thought I would have my chance. A chance not to ask her to love me again -I knew I didn't deserve that. I wasn't even sure it was what I wanted. I just wanted a chance to ask her to forgive me, make sure she was ok, so we could both get on with our lives. Well, so I could anyway, she probably had already.

Neela Rasgotra was the woman who had forced me to get a grip and grow up. And I loved her for it. A piece of me always would love her, always think of her when things got hard. But I wasn't in love with her, too much time had passed. I just needed some closure.

As I drifted off to sleep I tried to think of a way to track her down. Even if she wasn't still at County maybe someone there would know where she'd moved too. Or she could still be at County for all I knew, it wouldn't be unheard of. I thought of her smiling face, her eyes shining brightly. Then I saw her eyes filled with tears, as I'd last seen them. How could I have turned away from her?

Did she still think of me?

Did she still remember all the little things? I remembered them about her. I know the exact smell of her brand of shampoo. One of the nurses in my physio' sessions had the same perfume as her. It kept me going.

But I'm not still in love with her. I broke her heart, she broke mine.


I woke up late the next morning and didn't even have time for a shower if I wanted to catch breakfast. I hadn't woken up late in years and had never had to rush anywhere with my prosthetics. I didn't work in the ER any more, I worked in Paediatrics. I'd changed my elective because there hadn't been an opening in the ER in Baton Rouge. Plus I'd always liked kids. It was a really interesting field of medicine, not quite the hustle and bustle of an ER, but it was close. Kids could run around crazier than any drunks I'd seen in Chicago.

As I walked up to the buffet line, getting myself a slight glare from the waiter who had been just about to take the food away, I caught a glimpse of black hair. Putting some cold toast on my plate I looked to my left. There was a small woman with black hair tumbling in waves just past her shoulders. She was talking animatedly to another woman who was nodding. She had her back to me, so I couldn't see her face, but I knew it was her.

Taking my plate over I tapped her on the shoulder, breathing in the smell of familiar perfume.

My eyes immediately dropped to her rounded belly. This couldn't be Neela, this woman was about 5 months pregnant.

"Ray?" she said with a sharp intake of breath.

"Neela."


A/N Hope you liked, reviews welcome!!! (I hope I got Ray's confusing feelings over alright!)