I'm not sure if I'm allowed to put this up on here because it's not a story. FF will probably remove it, which is slightly depressing. This is just a description of a story. The story in question is My Immortal, dubbed by the worst fanfiction in the world.
Well, until this gets taken down for not being a story, I hope you enjoy this. You'll find the link to the My Immortal on my profile if you want to read, although it will make you want to peel your face off. I would advise playing the drinking game to go with it. I will place that link on my profile as well.
I would like to compare this to 2 of my stories: Angels And Demons and Discovery Channel. This are on Fictionpress so I will post the links if any of you are interested in reading either of them. Neither of these stories is perfect, and I know that Max pushes the limits of Mary-Sue in Discovery Channel but I took the Mary-Sue litmus test and he's well within normal character boundaries.
So, have fun reading this before they take it down. I would advise reading through My Immortal while you read this so you know which bits I'm talking about. I'm only picking some bits out of it to flame because doing the entire thing would take me ages.
Er, yeah, I've been playing the My Immortal drinking game so I'm a bit too happy right now. But I don't care and I'm sure I'll get flames and OH-MY-GOD-YOU'RE-SUCH-A-FUCKING-PREP but you know something, you guys can just fuck right off.
Chapters 1-4
There are so many spelling mistakes in this story, it's not funny. And her grammar is worse than mine, way worse than mine. So I won't point them all out. This is a Harry Potter fanfic by the way.
Chapter 1
Hi my name is
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
Dark'ness? Why not Darkness? Does Dark'ness sound sexier and more gothic or something? As for Way, I love Gerard too but you don't see my character being called Sarah Way. My character is called Sarah Clark, a plain, simple, boring name. Maximus Shinigami is the worst name I have ever devised for a character and that was so that he could be the butt of several jokes.
I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
Yes, I have characters who have strangely coloured hair (most of whom I haven't written in yet) but eyes like limpid tears? Oh dear me.
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.
The author would clearly like to screw Gerard, therefore isn't it better that they aren't related? Or is incest "in" right now?
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.
Don't you go to Hogwarts? Last time I checked that was in England, which doesn't have Hot Topic. Obviously, there's a website but do you seriously buy ALL YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES online?
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
Sarah, one of the main protagonists of the Angels and Demons franchise (Angels and Demons, Discovery Channel, mwshk1992's Angels and Demons and emokid-bellaface's Labyrinth make up this franchise for future reference)...wait, that's too good English, I'll start again...Sarah Sam Sora Arashi Vengeance Black Death Doom Blood Leto put on her black bra, black pants, black and red corset, tight leather black miniskirt, black and red fishnet gloves, black skull earrings, black cross necklace, black gothic heels, and black pentagram ring. She applied her white foundation, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, red contacts, white concealer, white blusher and black lipliner. Then, she went out to meet her friend Elizabeth Marie Lizzie Cutter Slit Vamp Knife Stab Devastation Wolfe. (Sorry, mwshk1992, I've turned you weird)
Chapter 2
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
It's always risky to base characters on people you know or yourself. You run the risk of turning them into Author's Darlings. There is a difference between this and a Mary-Sue. A Mary-Sue is a character who lacks development and is either perfect in every way or they are extremely flawed and suddenly have a complete mind, and possibly physical, makeover. An Author's Darling is a character who you can tell that after they've written every sentence, the author will think 'Aren't they wonderful?'.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.
Draco Malfoy likes Good Charlotte?
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
I am an "emo death freak". I know that MCR stands for My Chemical Romance. Lots of people don't know that. Shouldn't you at least mention that before you abbreviate?
Chapter 3
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
Of course all the flamers must be preps. Because only preps wouldn't understand just how super-goffikally-awesome it is to butcher the English language and write a story that revolves mostly around the main characters outfits.
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.
Or you could just say that you changed outfits. Easy, ne?
I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists
Does anyone else find this offensive? Not to mention stereotypical?
Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
It would OK to describe a character like Max like this because he wears stuff like that. Yes, he's a kewl boi. But Draco Malfoy? Since when he is a goth?
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
Er, isn't that the guy she's meant to like? WHY DOES SHE SOUND DEPRESSED ABOUT MEETING HIM? That's like Marie crying when she sees James for no reason.
We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)
How original. Even Max's license plate is normal and he's the fucking SON of Lucifer.
We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
You are SO cool.
Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!
DUN DUN DUH!
3 full stops make an ellipses. Use any more and you are being annoying and immature.
Chapter 4
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
You said Ebony's name is Enoby...
Draco Malfoy being in love with her is no excuse for making him completely OOC. Being in love with her would not mean that his music taste suddenly changes.
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
TOO MANY ELLIPSES! And that's the least of the author's problems.
If Draco was on top of her, how where they making out against a tree?
I swear that my eleven year old cousin (who forces me to read every single one of her badly written trashy works) can write a better lemon than this. Does this even count as lemon? No. It counts as too much information. If you don't want to write a lemon (I'm included in this group of people), find some way that is obvious to anyone over the age of 14 that they're having sex. And if you are going to write a lemon, surely you can think up better things than 'thingie' and 'you-know-what.'
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!
Yes, Dumbledore swears now...
So, I'll do Chapter 5-8 sometime soon, probably when I've played the drinking game again.
