Foreword: this is my first time writing humor and the style is reminiscent of my beta-reader's, Michael Blackburn, so if you've read his stories be sure to find some Blackburnian humor(which would normally be greatly offensive to most people.) But anyway, be sure to let me know if you liked the story and if you want me to keep writing humor or just stick to writing dark and sad stories with lots of blood and pain and misery and suffering. Or both, hell I don't fucking know.


Dropping in
Written by Codename: One

Part One
Real world, Pedobears, and Mass Effect

"So what's this new plan to get our cutie marks?" Sweetie Belle, Unicorn filly and one of the founders of the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked her friends, Scootaloo and Applebloom, who had apparently thought of a new plan to acquire the cutie marks they had long sought.

"You know that thing we've been studying in school? The thing about aliens? Well, me and Applebloom got to thinking maybe we should be professional alien hunters!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"You think we should be alien hunters? How would we even hunt aliens?" Sweetie Belle inquired.

"Me and Applebloom found this little device that shoots pods, so we thought one of us should crawl inside one of the pods and the other two would shoot the volunteer into alien-ville or whatever" Scootaloo said, a proud smile on her face.

"'Alien-ville'?" Sweetie Belle said incredulously.

"Or wherever aliens live" Scootaloo replied.

"Well...I don't know, Scootaloo, it sounds awfully dangerous" Sweetie told her.

"Come on, it'll be great!" the Pegasus filly declared.

"Alright, I guess I'll go first" Sweetie Belle volunteered, following her friends outside to the device they found and the accompanying pods.

"Alright, just climb in this and we'll put you in" Scootaloo gently commanded, Sweetie Belle complying and crawled in one of the small pods, the other two fillies closing it and slipping it down the barrel of the device.

Wait, how am I gonna tell them that I'm ready to- Sweetie mused, her thoughts cut off when there was a muffled whump and she was sent flying through the sky, not knowing where she'd end up.

Back on the ground Scootaloo and Applebloom watched the pod until it could be seen no more, at which point Applebloom turned to face her friend and asked "hold on, how we supposed ta get Sweetie Belle back now?"

Scootaloo blinked a couple times before looking over at Applebloom and replying with "uhhhh, I don't know..."


"Ahh, you bastard, why you running around with FMG9's? Put those bitches down, hoe-bag" Cole, a teenage beast who wrecked bitches faces in Call of Duty said as he sat in his massive leather chair and yelled about how he 'HAD HEADPHONES!' and heard people's footsteps because he 'HAD HEADPHONES!' before ranting about how much of an uber-leet MLG pro he was before smoking a bowl and trumping his friends on Facebook with his superior intellect.

He had just finished viciously sodomizing MW3 players of dark-skin(blacks) with his knife and laughing his ass off when they yelled "damn nigga!" every time he stabbed them when a black oval-shaped pod came smashing through his roof and obliterating his piece of shit compute that he had already been planning to throw in the local lake anyway.

"THE FUCK!" Cole screamed, not even noting the guy in the MW3 lobby who did a 720 spin and quickscoped him with an MSR while raping him with a Type-95 WHILE wrecking his shit with dual FMG9's all at the same time. Why? Because Call of Duty logic, THAT'S WHY!

The pod opened and out stumbled a little white Unicorn filly with a purple and rose mane, who seemed dazed and confused, most likely from her impact into his computer at terminal velocity.

Cole looked up at his computer monitor which was still playing an episode of Claire Corlett playing Minecraft and yelling about pigs being sex machines.

"Hey, she sounds like me" the little filly commented, looking up at the computer monitor as Claire bumbled about planting wooden planks for her house's floor.

"How the fuck is the video still playing?" Cole asked, looking down and seeing that his computer had magically healed itself, though it apparently had not upgraded itself in the process as it promptly made that gay noise that everybody fucking hates and the Shockwave: Flash is unresponsive and the Google Chrome Page(s) Unresponsive prompt came up at the same time and nearly gave his computer a heart attack as Microsoft Sam screamed "I CAN'T HANDLE THE STRESS" and the monitor grew arms and a gun and shot the computer tower which caused the computer to explode and then re-heal again, repeating the process for all eternity until Michael Blackburn intervened and decided the story should get on its way even though he's not writing it.

"Where the hell did you come from, Clai- er, Sweetie Belle?" Cole asked, earning a confused look from the little filly.

"How'd you know my name?" the Unicorn asked.

"Don't ask. Want to co-commentate with me an episode of my Youtube series Road to Gold with the M16A4 that I totally didn't rip off of LeftyOX?" the human said.

"First: what's a 'Youtube'? Second: what's an M16A4? And third: what's a 'LeftyOX'?" Sweetie Belle declared.

"A shitty website, a shitty gun in MW3, and a fucking uber-leet MLG pro who stopped being awesome after he stopped posting Call of Duty videos" Cole explained.

"What's an 'MW3' and what's an 'uber-leet MLG pro'?"

"Damn, bitch, how many questions you gonna ask? Just sit on this desk supported by hollow legs made of balsa wood that has hundreds of old rusty knives on it and commentate on this video and make me famous on Youtube otherwise I'll have to jump in that white window-less van that has 'free internet fame' written on the side that keeps driving by house inhale sharply."

"Ummm, OK" Sweetie Belle responded.

Cole then spent the next nine hours positioning his camera in front of his TV and hit play on the recorder, getting into a free-for-all in MW3 on the map Terminal and going over his usual cards.

"Hey guys it's me again, coming at you with another live MW3 FFA gameplay commentary, here I am on the map Terminal with the M16A4 which is the main star of my Road to Gold series. Shout-out time: Russow you're a fucking cunt for making me do this with the M16A4. Also I have a special guest here, Claire Corlett. Say hi, Claire."

"Why are you calling me Claire? That's not my name?" the little pony said.

"Shut up and roll with it; if I call you by your real name they'll all think I'm fucking crazy...hey I got a notification on Facebook" Cole exclaimed, setting his controller down on the small table next to the table that Sweetie Belle is sitting on, prompting her to grab up the controller with her magic and start playing.

"God damn it, Mitchell, I want that fucking M1911. You give me that shit, hoe-bag" Cole whispered, typing words a minute because he was such a hoss(yes, hoss) at typing which is strange because his middle-school computer teacher was a retarded fat cow.

Five minutes later and Sweetie Belle piped up, saying "uhhh, mister alien guy... hey, looks like Scootaloo was right in her alien hunter plan...do I have a cutie mark yet?"

"The fuck you talking 'bout, Claire?" Cole asked, turning back from his computer and seeing that she was playing the game.

"DA FAQ, BRAH?1!/!" Cole yelled, scooting back over and snatching up the controller.

"What? I was just curious. Also, I got you 19 'MOABs'... Not sure what those are but when I pressed a random button there was a beeping sound and a countdown timer and the screen said 'XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX' left the game" Sweetie explained.

"19 MOABs? Gimme dat shit, bitch!" Colle yelled, snatching up the controller which had re-appeared in her hooves again somehow, hitting the left arrow on the D-pad 9000 times to call in those MOABs.

After the match everyone in the lobby sent him messages like "ZOMG11!111223000!./p385765! U R SOOOOOO GAAAYYY HAKER!"

Cole laughed his ass off, and then smoked a bowl.


Later that night Cole was fapping on the internet to concept art of the Master Chief in Halo 4 while Sweetie Belle played Call of Duty in the same room and screamed at Type-95 bozos in the game lobby because Cole had taught her the ways of Xbox live: claim to have a massive penis, a hot girlfriend with size 35 DDDDDDD tits and tell everyone you're an uber-l33t boss at the game while cursing a lot.

The Unicorn filly had then gotten 10000 friend and dating requests on XBL just for being a girl(albeit a 9 year old girl...fucking pedophiles.)

Just then Sweetie Belle yawned and turned to face Cole, not even caring about his blatant fapping and saying "alright, I think I've had enough here. Can you send me back to Ponyville?"

"Bitch, I don't even know how the hell you got here anyway" Cole replied, moaning the Master Chief's name while jizzing all over the computer screen which had the Chief in a provocative pose while wearing his armor and a caption saying "draw me like one of your French girls."

Goddamn the Master Chief is sexy as shit.

"Besides, you've only just played CoD. You still need to crash jets in to helicopters in Battlefield 3 and then plant C4 on tanks and then you have to run around in Halo 3 lunging 100000000000 feet to stab a bitch with the energy sword because you can't do that in Halo: Reach because that game fucking sucks dick for that and a myriad of other reasons" Cole told her.

"Can you just please send me home? I'm tired of 'raping' everybody in Call of Duty, even though it's been kind of entertaining. Though their screams of anger kind of scare me when I 'shit on them' with an M16A4 and they're using FMG9's" the little filly explained.

"Shit, that sounds beast. Let me check your KD" Cole requested, grabbing the controller and looking at his stats, seeing his KD had gone up to 30.1 and he had 20000 wins in Domination.

He then grabbed a PlayCOD magazine and jizzed all over a picture of Captain Price pressing an M16A4 against a brick wall and licking the barrel.

"Why do you keep doing that? It looks gross" Sweetie Belle commented.

"It's fucking awesome, trust me" the human replied, tossing the magazine on the floor where it then exploded like a firecracker, Master Shake and the other Aqua Teens peeking in his window for a second afterwards.

"Look, I can send you away, but I can't send you back to Ponyville. You're going to have to travel from place to place in hopes that you'll eventually get back to Ponyville" Cole explained.

"Well...OK, where are you sending me?" Sweetie asked, looking up at the human.

"Fuck if I know, I'm not the one writing this shit."

Sweetie Belle then disappeared, and Cole went back to fapping to pictures of the Master Chief while wrecking bitches in Call of Duty.


When Sweetie Belle re-materialized out of thin air she landed hard on her rump, causing her to cry out in pain and stand up and rub at it to soothe the pain.

She then looked up and saw hundreds of bears with weird faces running at her on their hindlegs out of some kind of forest.

"Da fuck?" Sweetie Belle yelled, having been taught by Cole that it was the most appropriate response when confused by strange and unusual scenarios.

Suddenly a little human girl in a pink skirt walked up and started mowing down the bears with a giant fucking machine gun.

"Hey, who are you? Why are those bears running on their hindlegs?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Fucking Pedobears, they're all over this damn forest!" the girl screamed, continuing to shred the bears as they came out.

"What is wrong with all these places I keep going to?" Sweetie yelled, her sweet little voice squeaking and making dozens of the bears jizz themselves to death because she was so deliciously young.

"Bitch sit down while I blast all these perverted fucks!" the little girl yelled, a bunch of the Pedobears drawing closer and revealing that their dicks were fully erect at the sight of two little girls.

"Ewww, gross" Sweetie Belle declared, turning away and plopping down behind the little girl while she sprayed thousands of bullets out of her machine gun and killed millions of Pedobears.

I think this is what Cole was talking about when he yelled 'cocksucking cunt with the fucking OP Type-95' Sweetie Belle thought.

"Ummmm, can you send me to Ponyville?" Sweetie Belle inquired, curiously watching the girl as he mowed down the Pedobears who seemed to be coming out of nowhere by the thousands.

"No, I need to stay here and prevent these sick bastards from raping any more innocent girls" the human screamed.

Sweetie Belle whimpered adorably and pouted while putting on her best set of doe eyes.

It was a mistake.

The Pedobears went into a frenzy, their penises growing completely erect and throbbing violently as they galloped on all fours for Sweetie Belle, with the girl desperately attempting to hold them off.

"RUN, GET OUT OF HERE! SAVE YOURSELF SO THAT YOU MAY ONE DAY EXPERIENCE THE JOYS OF CONSENSUAL INTERCOURSE!" the little girl thundered, snatching up Sweetie Belle and throwing her into space like a shotput before getting overrun by Pedobears who then viciously raped her.


Sweetie Belle once again materialized out of thin air and fell to the ground, leaving her wondering as to why she always had to pop out in mid-air.

Hopefully I'm back in Ponyville now Sweetie Belle thought, standing up and turning around seeing another human snorting what appeared to be sugar off a table next to a massive alien that had a bunch of scars on the right side of his face.

"Ummm, excuse me..." Sweetie said, taking a step toward the human who reared his head back and collapsed to the floor, grunting and yelling "I'm Commander Shepard and PURE UNCUT COCAINE!"

Sweetie Belle was still lost in weird places with weird people.

"If you'll excuse me Shepard I need Tali to go calibrate my dick" the massive alien said, turning and walking away.

"Sure thing, Garrus, I'll just go rape Specialist Traynor and then feed her to Kelly Chambers' vagina" the human stated.

"Didn't Cole call one of those 'camping faggots' a vagina? I don't remember..." Sweetie Belle trailed off before re-focusing her attention on the human. "Uh, excuse me, can you help me get back to Ponyville?"

"DA FUQ? A talking Pony? Am I really THAT high?" Shepard yelled, snorting more blow off the table.

"Can you please help me get back to Ponyville?" the Unicorn filly pleaded, hopping up on a couch next to the human.

The Commander sobered right the fuck up and threw the remaining coke at Ashley Williams, who started crying about 'trusting the Commander' and other stupid fucking shit nobody cared about but had to deal with because Ash was so goddamned insecure about a man she worked with for years who then DIED and was brought back to life by the only fucking people who gave a shit about humans disappearing on the edges of space while Ash was bumbling about doing jack shit because the Alliance decided that jerking off over the idea of taking down Cerberus was a better plan than going out and STOPPING THE FUCKING ALIEN BASTARDS THAT WERE KIDNAPPING ENTIRE FUCKING COLONIES AND MELTING THE INHABITANTS DOWN TO MAKE A GIANT FUCKING REAPER THAT LOOKED LIKE THE GODDAMN TERMINATOR WITHOUT ITS SKIN.

Shepard then snorted more blow to deal with the raging stupidity of Ashley and the Alliance.

"Look, I have to fly around the galaxy and beg and plead on my knees to get alien races to help us fight the Reapers and maybe even blow a few aliens just to get their help when I should just be Renegade interrupting them with a fucking headshot from my Carnifex but instead I have to do that stupid shit to blow up a bunch of bitches that should've been dealt with years ago... Can you help me stop the Reapers? I'll blow you!" Commander Shepard exclaimed, throwing himself to the deck and kissing Sweetie Belle's hooves.

Sweetie blushed and said "uhh, thanks but you don't need to kiss my hooves, can you just please help me get home? I've been shot around three different places already and have met the weirdest people in my whole damn life and I don't think I can handle any more."

"I don't know, what do you think, Joker?" Shepard asked, looking up at the ceiling.

"We might be able to shoot her through a Mass Relay, but that will have to wait until after EDI finishes giving me a blowjob via her sexy robot body" Joker responded.

"This unit has an advantage over organic females in that it is not bound by moral constrictions, so I may fellate Jeff while getting railed up my anal simulation port by James, who seems to be doing steroids while fucking me and rambling about how he doesn't want to get deported" EDI said over the loudspeaker.

"Great, keep me posted... Wait, WHAT?" Shepard yelled, the comm system suddenly shutting off.

"I'll deal with them later; in the meantime we need to find a way to shoot you through a Mass Relay" Commander Shepard said.

"If it'll get me home then I don't care what I have to do" the Unicorn filly replied, hopping off the couch and following the Commander to an elevator which took them up to the Commander's cabin.

Well he seems kind of normal; maybe this place won't be as strange as the last two Sweetie Belle thought, stepping into the Commander's cabin and seeing candles lit everywhere and thousads of cylindrical things on the walls that looked like the penises those Pedobears had.

Sweetie Belle shuddered in disgust.

"So, how do you like it?" Shepard inquired.

"How do I like what? The room? It's gross" Sweetie Belle replied, not even noting the fishtank behind her filled with semen instead of water.

"No, I mean FUCK. How do you like FUCK?" the Commander responded, putting extra emphasis on 'fuck'.

"Some 'PP90 bitch' I played against earlier yelled 'fuck' when I killed him with a USP from across the map in MW3, so I guess I kinda like 'fuck.'" Sweetie stated.

"Great! Get on the bed" Shepard ordered, stepping into the bathroom while the little Unicorn attempted to climb up on the massive bed.

She had just accomplished her goal when Commander Shepard came out of the bathroom wearing an unusual leather suit with spikes and a zipper over the mouth.

"Hey baby, I need to be punished" Shepard declared, Sweetie's jaw dropping to the floor.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Sweetie Belle squeaked, confused and afraid of what the Commander was wearing.

The human didn't answer but instead grabbed a riding crop and tossed it to Sweetie Belle, commanding her to spank him.

"Why would someone want to be spanked? Getting spanked hurts..." Sweetie trailed off, pouting a little.

"Not for me" Shepard responded, grabbing one of the dildos off the wall.

"Look, mister Shepard, I don't feel comfortable doing this. Can you just please send me home? I just wanna go home" the Unicorn filly whimpered, starting to cry from frustration and fear of being sent to weird and scary places.

"Hey, hey, it's OK baby. Look, I'll send you on your way but I can't guarantee it'll send you back to your home. What is your home?" Shepard asked, sitting on the bed and comforting the filly.

"Ponyville, Equestria" Sweetie answered, wiping her eyes and looking up at the Commander.

"OK, I'll send you through a relay soon" Shepard responded, hugging the filly tight who returned the gesture, the two of them sharing a tender moment together despite the Commander's gimp suit.

...

"Wanna blow me?" Shepard asked, pulling away from the hug.

"Goddamnit, Shepard!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

"Alright, alright. Let's just shoot you through a relay" the Commander stated, standing from the bed and getting back into his normal outfit before the two of them proceeded down to the shuttle bay.

"Ey, ese, don't deport me, ya? I got my greencard and everything, pendejo!" James said when the Commander stepped out of the elevator.

"James, the Alliance doesn't care if you're an illegal immigrant, they've got bigger issues like the fucking Reapers" Shepard told him.

"Hey, Commander, my husband died from Collectors and I've told you this a hundred times already but I'm going to tell you again because I'm trying to look lonely and vulnerable so you'll sleep with me... HI!" Cortez announced as he approached Shepard.

"I'll just hook you up with Kaidan because he's a romance option for males now apparently despite being straight in the first game" the Commander responded.

"Commander, do you want to play basketball while I talk about our fallen empire and how powerful we were?" Javik asked as he walked out of a dark corner.

"The fuck were you doing there, Javik?" Shepard inquired.

"Waiting for the opportune moment to strike and steal your wallet and car" the Prothean soldier who was really a black guy at heart explained.

"Save the thievery for later; right now we gotta send this little Unicorn through a mass relay in an attempt to send her home" the human Naval officer said.

"Ah, I remember her kind when they were foals" Javik stated, scrutinizing Sweetie Belle very closely.

"Really?" Shepard asked.

"No, I made that up. You humans will believe anything. What I meant to say was I spent my early twenties spying on little girls at an orphanage for kids who had lost their parents to Reapers who raped them" the Prothean explained.

"Sick. Just stick Sweetie Belle into James' rectum so we can safely shoot them through the nearest relay" Shepard commanded.

"Hey, pendejo, don't touch my ass! That's where I keep the cocaine I run over the border!" James protested as Javik approached with Sweetie Belle in hand.

"We're not even in America or Mexico, James" Shepard reminded him as Javik ripped out 100 tons of PURE UNCUT COCAINE and shoved Sweetie Belle in.

"Alright, shoot 'em out" Shepard said, dropping the hatch which sucked out James with Sweetie Belle inside and sent them flying into a mass relay which shot them through the universe.

"Where does that relay even go, primitive?" Javik inquired, turning to face the Commander.

"Fuck if I know, it hasn't been charted yet" Shepard answered, turning back and snorting some more PURE UNCUT COCAINE.


Author's note: so there's part one, or section one, or chapter one, or Codename One...I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

Hey, look, a white window-less van that has 'free internet fame' written on the side. SEEMS LEGIT!