Chronicles of Absolution: Red Moon Rising
Chapter 1
Now
The dark, creepy house motif was rather comforting even though what lay beyond the closed door up ahead was not. Taking tentative steps forward, the door was opened and the familiar room of the familiar house was revealed.
Dean was standing there looking at a guy that looked exactly like him. The double looked like him and talked like him but there was a cruelty that was hidden in there. He was saying to Dean, "Joke all you want smartass. But you can't lie to me. I know the truth. How dead you are inside. How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see."
Dean tried to be typical Dean fashion about it and replied, "Sorry pal. It's not gonna work. You're not real."
"Sure I am. I'm you."
The conversation carried on a few minutes until the crux of the issue came to light. Double Dean said, "You're going to hell and you won't lift a finger to stop it. Talk about low self-esteem. Then again I guess it's not much of a life worth saving…"
Dean was desperately trying to convince himself to wake up. The frustration and fear were starting to build. People generally didn't want to face what scared them or the harshest of ugly truths. Yet Dean seemed to feel like he was getting something that he either refused to acknowledge or was afraid of admitting.
"I mean after all you've got nothing outside of Sam or her and she's the one with the psycho issues. Maybe she attempted it just to make you feel good. After all she is good at doing that." Double Dean's voice etched with cruelty and the desire to plant doubts.
"That's not true," came the reply almost childlike. "She's a better person than that."
"Do you even have an original thought? All there is that you watch out for Sammy! Look out for your little brother boy! You can still hear your dad's voice in your head clear as a bell. I mean think about it. All he ever did was train you. Boss you around. But Sam… Sam he doted on. Sam he loved."
Dean was getting visibly angry now. He was telling his double to shut up. He warned him time and time again. It was only a matter of time before it exploded.
"Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died, why should you?"
It was the last straw. Dean snapped, "You sonofabitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam? That was his crap! He's the one that couldn't protect his family! He's the one who let Mom Die! Who wasn't there for Sam! I always was! I didn't deserve what he put on me and I don't deserve to go to hell!" To emphasize the point, Dean fired the shotgun at his double aware that the last part of his tirade came from finally acknowledging what she had told him repeatedly.
The double was down and Dean felt the need to add, "And she's not like that. She thinks I'm worth something."
As he walked forward to look at his dead double, the eyes opened and they were the familiar inky black. The double sat up and looked blankly at Dean, "You can't escape me Dean! This is what you're gonna become." He then snapped his fingers.
The scene shifted and the car was being packed. Dean lied deliberately to Sam about what he saw. "Nothing. I was looking for you the whole time. "I've been doing some thinking and the thing is… I don't wanna die. I don't wanna go to hell."
Sam agreed, "Yeah. We'll find a way to save you. I know Angie's been working on that."
The scene shifted again. Sam was in an empty warehouse. She was there too and it was like watching the scene in slow motion as the cold Sam stabbed Bobby. She couldn't say anything though she tried. He was shocked that he actually killed Bobby and that he did it right in front of her. He looked at her like he couldn't believe what he had done. Then a voice entered, "You're right. I was just screwing with ya. Pretty good though Sam! Smart. Let me tell you, whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one has never seen you with a sharp object in your hands. Whoa full metal jacket."
The owner of the voice was not visible but the tone… the tone was familiar. However all eyes were on Sam as he asked the mysterious guy to bring Dean back. When the owner said that Dean was dead and his soul was burning downstairs, Sam almost begged the shadowy blob to return them all to that Wednesday.
"There's a lesson here. This obsession with saving Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. Bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes, you just gotta let people go. Your friend knows that lesson well and yet you persist in breaking down that shield."
She watched as the pain etched on Sam's face. It hurt too much. It always did when they found a lead and it went nowhere. It hurt that she couldn't change the council's mind. It hurt that she was even considering that skank Ruby's idea and it hurt most of all that she felt powerless and weak.
"You know when I taught you how to manipulate memories to work them out in your dreams, I didn't intend for you to torture yourself."
Angela turned away from the frozen scene before her. Every night she did this. She went through her memories over and over again to see if she missed something; if there was a hint within that scene that could give some measure of peace or at least give a clue as to what she was going to do next. Maybe it was torture since after all the definition of insanity was doing the same thing every day but expecting different results.
It didn't help either that she felt like she was plastering on a mask to hide the fact that she was in love with Sam. The very thought of it was terrifying even more so than the fact that both boys considered her family. What made it worse though was that she hated to see Sam so dejected with failure after failure and then that business with the Trickster. She couldn't see the face and she couldn't remember seeing it ever but the lesson that Dean was Sam's weakness… they both were hers and it was becoming evident especially if she kept losing her temper when they were threatened.
She looked at Morpheus and replied, "I am reexamining them. Hindsight is 20/20 at best."
"And you are a poor liar," the god countered. "It's no secret amongst the gods that you didn't win. In fact the lesser ones pointed out how willing you were to sacrifice yourself to save him."
"Yeah and they don't want to lose their precious Absolution," Angela replied in a dejected tone.
"They found it noble and curious. All that trouble for one human and for one who is known for turning you away. Isis understood and tried to explain. She supports you but then again she always said you were the favorite," Morpheus said. "However I think you are torturing yourself for another reason and painful images are your way of expressing it."
Angela started pacing as she glanced at the scene. Sam looked so lost and then that last bit about tearing down her shield… "When did you become a shrink?"
Morpheus bristled slightly but he could understand the snarky attitude. It was a defense mechanism. "You know that in my domain I can see your thoughts and feelings. They can't hide here."
Angela crossed her arms and stared off into the void. Of course she knew that. "I know that," she replied softly. "I hate the fact that I could see what Dean saw and he couldn't see me. How or why I am not sure and I don't think I care to know. Then the renewed quest to save him led to the Mystery Spot incident and now Sam can't listen to Asia without freaking out and thinking it's that Tuesday… And I am actually considering what that hell bitch Ruby hounds me about… I just wish it would stop."
Morpheus let her rant a little. Poor girl had a long and trying life. She finally opened her heart and now was at risk of having it ripped to shreds. It was worse than… At least he was getting her to admit to it. In the long run it would serve to make her feel better. "Those are surface reasons, my dear. The main reason for your need to torture yourself is right in there." He pointed at her chest where her heart was. "What has you so upset that you think emotional torture will solve it."
"I am not torturing myself on purpose," Angela retorted. She felt like a child in this ranting mode but she didn't know what else to do in terms of response. "I am trying to find out what I missed. I… was examining my reasons for finding the way to save Dean."
"What reasons are those?"
"You are so infuriating," Angela replied clenching her fingers into a fist.
"It will make you feel better and just so you know, I never tell anyone about our conversations. We may not have always gotten along especially in the beginning but I respect and like you," Morpheus replied. It was rather a big thing to admit to for a god. Generally they had a job and not always were they that acknowledgeable towards humans. So for one who basically stayed in a realm that was only reachable through dreams… well, that was major.
Angela sighed. She knew what the god said was true. The real reasons were eating her up because she had no clue as to what to do with them. She replied slowly, "One is that I love Dean. He's like the brother I never had. Two is that he is a good soul. He has his faults like anyone but no one deserves the pit. But that is nothing. I… I am trying so hard and have been for Sam."
Morpheus nodded, "So you are doing it for his sake. Is that why you often stare at that pained expression from that memory?"
"For his sake because… I love him," she replied in a whisper, "But that is not right. A creature like me shouldn't be allowed to love. I can't love. It is a weakness. They exploit it…"
Morpheus wasn't going to point out how contradictory she sounded. She was capable of love. He saw it every time she helped an innocent, every time she forgave a random stranger for their transgression and every time she issued care upon the Winchesters. He never met another so capable of so much and it made him sad that she felt the need to point out why she should be hated. He replied, "Then don't be afraid to love him. If anything what you show will be what keeps your rollercoaster on the tracks or rather his."
Angela stood looking at the void. In front of her the memory of one of their training sessions popped up. It was funny because Sam fell and took her and Dean down with him and somehow she ended up on top of the pile. It then shifted to Tessa at the cemetery in Milagro. She said, "Don't be afraid of it."
Angela turned towards the god and said, "You are annoying but… I think I understand. I just can't let him go to hell."
"So what do you intend to do?"
It was morning and the sun wasn't even up yet but since when did Angela ever attempt to sleep in? Her eyes opened and she felt exhausted. Normally dreams where were people worked out what was troubling them on a subconscious level or something like that. That was what the brain docs said. She had been actively doing it and made herself so exhausted it served as a good cover for hiding what was really bothering her.
Rubbing her eyes, she slowly sat up and took notice of Setna curled by her side. She smiled slightly as she ran her fingers through the soft fur. There was going to come a time when she would have to leave him behind with Bobby and that was if the going got rough and by rough she meant if they were caught by Henricksen or they got caught up in some demon plan that involved spilling lots of blood. She knew Bobby wouldn't mind except maybe get annoyed that she did have a bad habit of collecting strays but he didn't seem to mind since she always found a home for them.
Setna squeaked and opened his golden eyes. He looked up still curled on the bed at Angela and she smiled and started rubbing her fingers on its furry cheek. It responded by rubbing its head on her fingers hard. She chuckled when she felt the rumble in his throat indicating that he was purring. The fur ball had been a constant companion the last few weeks or was it a month? Anyway he had always managed to assuage any anxieties that cropped up throughout the day.
She was amused when she got out of bed and followed her directly into the bathroom. "You're worse than the bull dog and silly watchdog," she said realizing how much affection was in those descriptions she afforded to the boys and smiled slightly. It turned into laughter when the fur ball decided to jump into the shower with her.
Setna didn't leave her side and when she decided to get the morning coffee, she couldn't leave him behind. She picked him up and held him like a football. Good thing the coffee stand was an outdoor one. She held the fur ball that looked smug and content as she placed the coffee order and requested several pastries. They would suffice until they went to get real food.
It was surprisingly Dean that found her waiting by the Impala or rather leaning against it. She looked at him and said, "I must be still dreaming if you are up this early."
"I have my reasons," Dean replied. He noticed the coffee holder on the hood and the dang fur ball sitting next to it. He picked one up after looking at the cat with a feigned menacing look and took a sip.
"Another nightmare?"
"The usual but midgets this time," Dean countered. When the open box of pastries was shut on his hand, he knew that she was not in the mood. How the hell she knew was beyond him. "Fine. I did."
"Same thing?" Angela took a sip looking out at nothing. She absently petted Setna who had curled on the Impala and made himself comfortable. He took to rubbing his head on her hand to let her know that he was still there.
"Yeah and how do you know about that?" Dean looked over at Angela who had opened the box back up and held it out to him.
"I was there so I know you lied about what you saw to Sam."
"No you weren't. I would have seen you," Dean countered.
Angela finally looked at Dean. She explained, "You remember I can dream walk pretty good. You never let Sam live down the fact I gave him a tattoo. When I entered we were separated. I found you but it became evident you couldn't see me. I couldn't tell how or why." Angela paused for a moment to debate on what she wanted to say to the man. She didn't want to cause him pain but she knew from experience that in order to heal you needed pain. She finally said, "John cared whether you lived or died and told me he regretted giving you such a burden. He was hard because he felt he had to and to get you ready for the fact that he would one day might not be there. As for your Mom… That was my fault."
It occurred to Dean that she had been there the entire conversation. She could have easily helped Sam out since she was that good. He saw that when they pulled Bobby out. "Why didn't you help Sam?"
"I knew he could do it," Angela replied. It was a simple answer and conveyed a lot about what she thought of their capabilities. "He needed me to look out for you." That was a lie that hid the truth. "You don't deserve hell. No one does." She took a sip of her coffee.
"Always looking out for us," Dean replied as he took a sip. He stood next to Angela and stared at what she was looking at. It was actually nice to see the sun rise and greet another day. "You're a good person Angie."
"When you… or Sam say that, I feel like I can believe it," Angela replied. "I feel like maybe I am worth the trouble."
"You are," Dean affirmed. "More than the rest of us and it's because of who you are. The most gorgeous healer to walk this earth." He gave his signature smirk in her direction.
"Now you are teasing," Angela replied with a slight smile. "I kill and healers don't do that."
"Bull crap and you know it. I remember what you did for Sam's head and then that ward stuff after you used the conventional stitching up thing… Angie you have a better bedside manner than half the quacks that dot this country. You make people feel better. That's what makes you a healer." Dean pointed with the hand that held his coffee. "Like I said big brothers are biased."
Angela hummed as she smiled. Dean never lied to her when he revealed his feelings. It was what he believed and it said a lot. Maybe… She looked at Dean and then at the sunrise taking in the colors. "I have an option that I am willing to try."
"As long as it doesn't involve making a deal," Dean interrupted. "And don't even think of trading in your superpowers. If we can't… fix this… Sam is going to need you." When he saw the look that passed across her face he gave a slight smile. It had been fun to see it at that quinceañera but wisely left it alone for her to deal with it. He said, "He depends on you a lot. Kid doesn't see it and I know you're gonna need him."
"I've survived…"
"Please Angie. I saw the look on your face."
"You know?" Angela felt a slight panic. She tried not to show it and realized that Dean was grinning like a kid in a candy store. She whispered, "You know… I have feelings for him?"
"I may only have a GED but I ain't blind, Sister," Dean replied still smiling. "I noticed you two once I got my head out of my ass when we started out. I was wondering how long it would take before either of you realize it."
"Then you must know that it is impossible… but I can't help it." Angela finished her coffee and flipped open the box. She picked one at random, not caring what it was. It could have been a custard filled one for all she knew. Right now she felt she was… she had no clue.
"Hey I find it fine. I know Sam will be okay because he has you even if he is a dumb smart person," Dean replied, proud of the oxymoron he created… well reused when going through his own thoughts.
"Dean, there is a reason vampires try not to and shouldn't fall in love with humans," Angela replied quietly. She was thinking about what the Trickster had said to Sam. She had recognized the voice and the manner and familiarity in which he described her… It was like he knew her and personally. "Living is hard because we have to face time watching humans be born, live and die. To have feelings like this… I don't know but I feel terrified."
Dean listened and while she chewed on her pastry with a distracted air, he could see her point. He actually didn't blame her for being scared even though the idea of her being scared of anything was somewhat funny. Still he thought she was right for Sam but as long as Sam was oblivious to it, he was not going to mention it. Maybe tease and flirt with her to annoy him but not tell him. This one he would have to figure out on his own. "I get it Angie. Still it's not a bad thing to feel that way. It makes you more closer to normal for humans but you are Winchester normal."
Angela couldn't help but laugh at Dean's attempt to make her feel better. The comparisons he did were better than the psychobabble counselors and shrinks attempted to use. "I prefer Winchester normal otherwise I would just become a psycho freak with human normal."
"That's my girl," Dean cheered. "Look I won't tell about your…" He tried to think of a code word for her feelings. It was childish but it would go a long way into helping her overcome any insecurities she might have about her feelings. He knew about the mug Sam got for her and how they would talk about it but not mention it directly so it was his turn. "How about your rosebush?"
"What?" Angela frowned in confusion as she studied Dean. What was it with people and roses? Yeah she liked them and she could admit she would often catch a whiff of them when in the heat of battle but why did people think that she was comparable to a rose?
Dean saw the confusion. Poor girl didn't realize that was how people thought of her. She was like a rose but he had a good explanation for it. "Yeah. It's the rosebush that you ordered and Bobby is keeping for you until you can plant it."
"Why would I order a rosebush when I can go to Sioux Falls nursery and buy one?"
"That's not the point Angie," Dean sighed in frustration. It was no wonder she was like his pain in the ass little brother. Sometimes she was just dumb about some things. It must be a smart people thing. "The point is that roses generally represent your feelings. You see what I'm getting at?"
Angela saw the point. The fact that Dean was attempting to make things easier to discuss was touching. "I do. Though you and me talking about rosebushes does sound a bit weird and girly even for you."
"I'm willing to go through with the sacrifice to my dignity. Besides you can say something about a tough guy you know that raises the darn thing for some sort of therapy that makes him into a good fighter or some shit like that," Dean replied with a slight shrug of his shoulders. He could suffer through it since she was a sister to him. "Trust me on this one Angie. Sam would just think that we are talking about flowers."
Angela was unsure and it showed on her face. Then she had an idea. "What about a car named Rose?"
Dean grinned nice and big. Now she was thinking. "Now you're thinking Angie. So is it a real car or one that you're going to have to fill me in on the details?"
Angela thought about it for a moment. The only Rose she knew of was the Rose of Tralee. She replied, "Well the only Rose that is real to me is the Rose of Tralee." She knew that Dean would know what she was talking about. "I guess I have to make it up. Rose is a car, classic muscle of course, and she belongs to some street racer?"
"Better than nothing though it sounds like you with Deanna," Dean replied teasing her about the name of her car. He knew she gave it that name on purpose since Dean teased Sam by giving him the feminine version of his name.
"Bite me my little bull dog," Angela replied giving a hair ruffle.
Dean retaliated by saying that he might and they fell into a friendly banter over the details of their story. They were at it when Sam came out and the coffee was still hot.
A/N: Not a typical start to an episode but it picks up right where we left off at the revelation and looks like Morpheus and Dean have some pretty good advice. Stay tuned for next time on Red Moon Rising...
