Cast: Firestar (F); Onestar (O); Blackstar (B); Leopardstar (L)
Yes, I know Leopardstar is… spoiler… dead, but I love her. Actually, I sorta hate her in one book… but all the rest, she's great! Plus, she makes one hell of a perfect character for what this is! XD
Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Now, to get to the disclaimers:
Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors (Warrior Cats). This is Erin Hunter's job. If I owned Warriors, I wouldn't be spending my days writing fanfiction crap. I would be writing the real deal.
I got the idea from FLOB. Thank you Enyo14, author of FLOB, for the idea. I'll try not to copy you too much! If I do, I apologize. I am in a writer's block at the moment and am hoping this will get me out of it. Anyways, enough BOLD script indicating Comments on the following Chapter; let us begin:
[Setting: 'Posh' studio with crimson carpet, four director's chairs each with a leader in it. They are all sipping tea.]
O: Hello. Welcome to our new web show. We haven't decided on a name yet-
F: I still say 'Torment of Firestar'.
O: -but we should come to a decision, soon.
F: Torment of Firestar!
O: Shut up, Firestar, and I'll try not to wage another war with your Clan.
F: Like you could manage it with most of the she-cats in the nursery and Crowfeather too busy sending more in! The only one not in the nursery is Nightpelt!
O: Crowfeather develops the Clan. He is a large donator of new warriors to WindClan and is held in the highest regard.
F: Then, why isn't he leader or deputy?
O: …
F: Exactly.
[Leopardstar sips tea]
L: Let's begin. I would like to bring in a very special guest for the first night. Welcome to the show…
[Dramatic music, compliments of Blackstar]
L: … BRAMBLECLAW!
[Brambleclaw slowly walks in]
Brambleclaw: Thanks for having me!
B: Just sit down, Brambleclaw, and no one gets hurt.
Brambleclaw: I feel so loved.
L: Aw, Brambleclaw, sweetie, I love you.
O: Typical. ThunderClan and RiverClan. How many times, exactly, has this happened?
L: Oh, sweetie, I still have enough room in my den. We can all crawl into my nest. Firestar, you can come, too.
F: No, thanks. I'm devoted to Sandstorm and only Sandstorm.
O: Sure, you are. And, I won't be joining you, either. I'm busy doing better things… like sleep.
L: I guess it's just you, Brambleclaw.
Brambleclaw: Nah, I think I'll pass. I prefer a mate without ten chins.
B: What about me? I'm single and horny.
L: And?
[silence]
F: Y'know, Blackstar, I'm sure I could hook you up with a single I know.
B: Really? *mouth begins to water* Who?
F: *snickers* Your mom!
[more silence]
B: My mother was a strict Christian who only became involved in coitus for pure reproductive purposes. She died in childbirth. Her last words were: *in raspy voice* 'To StarClan, I go. I hope to never see these children again, so they may live forever in the Forest'. *wipes tear from eye*
F: …
L: …
O: …
F: …
O: …
L: …
F: Well, I guess we already shattered her dreams. We're out of the Old Forest. This is the Lake, grandma! Get with the times!
[Leopardstar bitch-slaps Firestar]
L: How dare you! You, you, you fiend! Blacky over here just spilled out his heart for us and you jab it with a sharp sti- okay,no, that sound too much like a good thing. Carry on, sweetie.
O: …
F: …
B: …
L: … What?
O&F&B? Nuthin'!
L: Okay.
Brambleclaw: Um… this is sorta awkward, but I gotta pee. I stole some of Leopardstar's tea and-
F: And she puts drugs in her's to keep her alive, you idiot. I swear, I'm surrounded by dumbasses!
L: Isn't this supposed to be rated PG?
O: Yes. Yes, it is.
B: Then, I suppose while I dismiss Brambleclaw to the loo-
F: Since when were you British?
B: -we shall say our special Parental Broadcast.
L: Remember: Never drink alcohol. It is unhealthy for you and can cause…
F: Diabetes?
L: No.
O: STDs?
L: You're only thinking of Crowfeather. No.
B: Death?
L: YES! Alcohol can cause death.
O: Just take poor old Tallstar, for example. He was a kind, old goat. Everyone loved him.
F: *cough* Except Mudclaw *cough*
O: He got drunk, one night while on The Great Journey. He collapsed on the spot.
B: Yes, and he was so-
F: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP
B: *glares* -drunk that he actually made Onestar deputy at the last minute. He became the Onestar we know and l-l-l-l-looo-loooo-
L: Love?
B: That's the word! L-l-lo-loooo- The 'L' word! He became the Onestar we know and 'L' word today.
O: I'm flattered. Maybe you can climb into my nest tonight.
B: *lunge*
O: Ackkk! *dies*
[Brambleclaw walks back in]
Brambleclaw: I'm back from the- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, HERE!
B: Um…..
[camera shuts off]
Does Onestar survive? If so, does Blackstar end up in his nest? Does Firestar get over his dumbass-issue? Will Leopardstar ever get over her drug addiction? Will Brambleclaw have to pee, again? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
Apologies. It's a little boring this chapter and next. I'm, again, in a writer's block. Stick with me.
