Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Unbeta'd: Daily-ish updates. All mistakes are my own. Sorry for the mess.

Warnings: This is in no way a serious fic. It will contain a lot of mature content of the sexual variety (incest, age play, etc.) that parodies all the fuckery you see in this fandom in—hopefully—a hilarious sort of way. If you're thinking too hard about what's happening, you're probably taking it all way too seriously. Other than that, much love and enjoy!


I pull at my hem, the baby pink only just barely covering my tummy. It's getting too small, but it's one of my favorites. Mom wanted to throw it away, but I begged her just one more year. So here I am, wearing glitter and unicorns and braids on my first day of high school.

Alice's distance between myself and her slowly but surely become wider. I pretend not to notice. She glares at my pretty unicorn. A pink cloud is crying somewhere.

"I told you not to wear that," she says. Throwing a curl behind her shoulder. She looks good. I'll admit that. All preppy and smart and much older than her young years.

"I like it. I didn't want to say good bye just yet."

"It's social suicide, and if I want to have any sort of chance here, I can't be seen with you while you wear that shirt."

The hurt in my heart. It's almost unbearable. This is the same girl whose nose I used to pick just because we could. But my pride won't let her know that.

"We're women now. It's time to leave the childhood behind. Why didn't you wear the outfit I put out for you?"

"You know I don't like wearing pants. The jeans were too tight, and the shirt had buttons. Way too much work in the morning."

Alice's curls bounce around like tiny pogosticks as she squeezes her eyebrows together until they're almost one. "Whatever. I've got to get to class." There she goes just a-walking down the street.

I tuck my books in closer to right under my chin, staring at my feet as I walk. Alice sure knows how to explode on a person's self-esteem.

"Isabella, right? Isabella Swan?"

"Wha—?" My head jerks up almost too fast that I have to catch the wall for a little bit of support. A book spills from my arms because Dad told me I should carry all of my books for every class on the first day until I figure out when I'll need them. Just in case, he had said.

"Let me help you there." Black slacks. Button up white shirt. Someone doesn't mind working a bit extra in the morning. Messy messy hair that looks so so good, pointing right at my feet. "Here you go." And green green eyes.

Why does he know my name while I don't know his?!

"Thanks." Books are a nice place to hide behind.

Green green eyes in no way hampered by the sported smart glasses look at me, up down up down, right into my soul, and then pink pink lips smile. "You're Isabella Swan, right?"

"Just Bella."

He laughs. It's nice. "I know."

"You do?" and then, "Why?"

"I'm Edward Cullen."

Oh. "Oh!" I smile too and not even behind my books. "I know you."

"Yeah." Smile. Swoon. "I haven't seen you in forever. Last time was maybe when you were about ten." He flipped one of my braids. Double swoon. "You had these back then too."

For the first time today, I grimace at the stupid braids. "My friend hates them."

More looks. Up down up down. "I kind of like them."