Please note that this is a very dark fic and contains very dark things.
Remus wakes up late. It's the day after the full moon and thank goodness, a Sunday so he has no reason to wake up at all. Madam Pomfrey is fussing around a student with the flu and Remus groans softly, pulling the pillow over his head as he rolls onto his stomach. He is sore, so sore. Last night had been the worst full moon since last summer. Normally he can keep his mind around his friends but he couldn't last night. He had attacked them. He remembers attacking them but he doesn't remember anything else. He doesn't want to remember. He wonders if they'll still even speak to him.
"I know you're awake, Lupin," Madam Pomfrey says and he opens his eyes reluctantly. He looks away from her as he sees the touch of pity in her eyes. He hates pity. It sparks different reactions in him at different times but this morning he feels tears sting his eyes and he can't handle that. "Your potion and breakfast are next to your bed. As soon as you're feeling well enough, you can go."
Remus is thankful that she can see he doesn't want to be bothered. But then, she's been around him so much the past few years that he thinks she knows him well. "Thank you," he mumbles. He feels bad for a moment because Madam Pomfrey does a lot for him. He buries his face farther into the pillow though. He feels even worse for himself. He's 15 years old and all he wants to do is cry.
He tries for a few hours to get back to sleep but finally he has to admit to himself that it's pointless. Normally at this hour he's been awake for hours and his body won't shut down again. With a sigh, he sits up and drinks the potion, holding his nose and trying not to gag. No matter how often he drinks it, it still tastes just as gross. The breakfast is cold by now but he doesn't mind. He chews slowly. He stands up, changes into his clothes and sighs as he goes into say good-bye to Madam Pomfrey and thank her again. He doesn't want to go to the Gryffindor common room. He doesn't want to run into his friends. He can't see the anger, betrayal and hurt in their eyes.
After a few minutes of thought, he makes his way to the library. He can't recall any big assignments upcoming and so he doesn't think he'll find any of his friends in there. He waves at the librarian, smiling slightly. The wave makes his arm sore and he grimaces. Not letting himself sigh again, he grabs a random book off of a random shelf, glancing at the title to make sure he's never read it and settles himself into a corner to read. He loves this corner. In his first year at Hogwarts, before he had really made friends with James, Sirius and Peter, he had always come to read in this corner.
The words sweep him away and he reads for a while, shifting occasionally when he gets uncomfortable. He knows that the librarian won't bother him. She has a bit of a soft spot for him. He knows that all of the teachers know about him, know about the fact that he turns into a monster during the full moon. He hates it. All he wants in this second as he stares at the window, feeling the tears again in his eyes, is to be a normal student. He would give nearly anything.
Remus jumps, looking up as a shadow crosses the page and he quickly averts his eyes when he sees his friends (former friends?) standing above him. Sirius nudges Remus' knee with his foot and Remus slowly looks back up. He bites his lip at Sirius' look of concern. "Hey," Sirius says, one eyebrow raised.
"We went to the hospital wing to check on you but Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us in. She said that you were still sleeping," James says with a look at Sirius as Sirius doesn't say anything else. "Are you sick? I've never known you to sleep in."
"I'm… okay. Just…" Remus shrugs, looking around, his voice lowering a bit more than his mumble. He clears his throat, trying to make sure they can hear. They don't appear to hate him although he knows that looks can be deceiving. "sore from last night. I barely remember it. Just- I just know that I was out of control. I'm… sorry. What did I do?"
They all look at him, each of them with a different emotion in his eyes and Remus feels his heart sink. It's bad. It must be bad. He opens his mouth, not sure what's going to come out but Sirius holds his hand out. "Let's walk and talk." Remus looks at his hand tentatively, taking a deep breath before he takes it and stands up.
Remus expects James and Peter to come with them but they tell Sirius and Remus that they'll see them at lunch and take off in the opposite direction. Sirius slides his fingers through Remus', something that sends a delightful shiver down Remus' spine and walks with him towards the lake. Remus is starting to get worried. He doesn't know what Sirius is going to say. It's not often that Sirius stays this quiet this long. Had he hurt him horribly last night? What happened? He's just about to open his mouth to say something when Sirius plops down in the grass, patting the spot next to him. Remus sits.
"So you really don't remember anything from last night?" Sirius asks and Remus feel like his heart is in his throat. Sirius seems to read the panic on Remus' face because he shakes his head. "Calm down. Seriously, calm down. It's fine. Do I look like I hate you?"
Taking a deep breath, Remus tries to stop shaking. Sirius' words run through his mind and he tries to think about what Sirius said. He doesn't hate him. That's a good thing right? "What did I do that would make you hate me?" Remus barely manages to whisper.
Sirius takes a while to answer. He looks out at the water and every second longer he takes, Remus gets more worried. He's fidgeting, trying to read the answer on Sirius' face. It's not coming and so he sits back. He closes his eyes, wondering if there's any way possible that the earth could swallow him whole. "We had sex last night," Sirius finally says and the words sound forced.
Remus' first thought is that it isn't that bad. Then the reality sets in and he looks over at Sirius. Even Sirius' smile looks forced and Remus takes a deep breath then another. "We had… sex? You mean, as a… animals?"
"The sex wasn't kinky or anything but yeah," Sirius says and the fact that he's trying to make a joke of it makes Remus want to throw up. This can't be happening. It can't. "I mean… Well, it kind of was. James and Peter had to leave."
"Tell me what happened." Remus' voice doesn't shake at all and Sirius looks over. There is no emotion on Remus' face as Remus pushes his nails into his palm. He wants Sirius to tell him and he knows that if Sirius sees even a flicker of emotion that he won't.
"Well it started out like any other night except you were… different. You were howling and scratching at yourself. We tried to get you to stop but you wouldn't. Then it was like you smelled…" Sirius swallows hard and suddenly it doesn't matter what emotions cross Remus' face. The story sounds different to Remus. "me. You smelled me and you came over. I didn't realize what you were doing at first. You… were rough. We tried to make you stop but it was pointless. Finally, I made James and Peter leave. You bit the back of my neck to hold me in place. Your teeth were so sharp and…" At Remus' sniffle, Sirius remembers where he is and who he's telling the story to.
"So I… I raped- I… I raped…" Remus can't finish the thought, can barely stand thinking about it. He's sure his heart is going to pound out of his chest. He can hear it and he wonder if Sirius can too.
"Shit, Remus, don't blame yourself for this, okay?" Sirius says, his voice soft and it makes Remus feel even worse. Sirius reaches out to take Remus' hands but Remus pulls away, shaking his head. "It's not your fault. You didn't have any control over this."
"This is my fault," Remus argues and here come those blasted tears again. Remus knew that he shouldn't have moved from bed. His breaths are coming faster, shakier and he feels his entire world falling apart. "Everything is my fault. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have let you guys become Animagi. I should've known better! I'm dangerous, Sirius. I can't believe that I did this. I-I just…"
He breaks down then and Sirius immediately reaches out for him. "Remus, no, listen to me-"
Remus doesn't stay around to listen. He nearly slips on the wet grass but he manages to stay upright, tears blurring his vision. He runs up the stairs. There's nowhere to go but back to his bed. He sees James and Peter stand up when he reaches the common room but he ignores them. He shakes his head, trying to make the picture of himself raping Sirius go away but he can't. He pulls the curtains around him and casts a quick spell to lock them in place. It's not allowed because of emergencies but in that instant he doesn't care. Expulsion from Hogwarts seems like a blessing right now. A few more spells and he can hear nothing from outside the curtains and nobody can hear anything from him.
He's a monster, a beast. He never should've come to Hogwarts. He shouldn't be allowed to be near people that he could hurt. His pillow is wet from tears as he cries and after what seems like hours, he finally falls asleep. His dreams are restless all containing a wolf and a dog and he knows that he cries out many times. He's thankful that they can't hear him.
The next morning, Remus' head hurts. He doesn't want to get up but his stomach is growling and he realizes that he hadn't eaten at all since yesterday's mid-afternoon breakfast. He doesn't want to face Sirius, knowing what he did to him. And he doesn't want to face James or Peter, who know what he did. The worst part is that they don't blame him at all. He doesn't understand that. He's a monster. He should be locked in a cage, not learning magic with everybody else.
He checks his watch and groans as he sees how early it is. He knows he'll be exhausted by evening but he's happy at least that the rest of the boys in his year won't be awake yet. He pulls back his curtains slowly, taking extra care as he grabs his clothes to take a shower. He's still a little sore from the full moon but it's nothing he hasn't dealt with before. He wonders if Sirius is in pain and then tries to push the thought from his mind. He's hurting enough already.
After a quick shower, he heads downstairs. He's one of only a few students eating breakfast this early and he props a book up against the pitcher, feeling almost like a normal student. Every few moments he thinks about Sirius and whatever he's taking a bite of gets caught in his throat. He refuses to cry after how long he had spent crying last night and instead concentrates on the words that he's reading. As the hall starts filling up, Remus puts his book back into his bag and heads towards their first class. He knows that this is where he won't be able to avoid his friends any longer. All of them are in all the same classes.
Remus takes deep breaths as he waits, sitting against the wall and trying to concentrate on reading. It's harder now, knowing that he'll be seeing them any moment. He had avoided looking at them earlier, the guilt too much. Now he blinks rapidly as tears threaten to fall. He hates himself.
When class is about ready to begin, he hears their voices and he doesn't let himself look up. He isn't surprised when James and Sirius sit down on either side of him, Peter on James' other side. "You were up early," James says, sounding nonchalant.
"Went to sleep early," Remus responds. He quietly puts his book back into his bag and looks in James' direction. He doesn't want to look at Sirius, can't face him.
Sirius nudges him in the shoulder and then again when Remus doesn't respond and once more until finally Remus looks at him. Sirius opens his mouth, obviously intending to say something but they're interrupted by the teacher. Remus grabs his bag and nearly runs towards the door. He glances back once, seeing how shocked his friends look and sits down next to Lily Evans, who normally works alone. She seems slightly reluctant to have a partner but she lets him sit anyway.
Remus ignores the three notes that Sirius throws at him. He doesn't look towards them. All he can think about is his lesson. The only words that run through his mind are about what a monster that he is. It hurts. It hurts knowing that he hurt his friends. All he can feel is hurt and he wishes with all of his might that he had never come to Hogwarts.
Remus is surprised by how easy his friends are to avoid and after a few weeks they stop making the effort to try to corner him into talking to them. Remus is betrayed and he cries that night after he puts up the spells so that nobody can hear him. He knows that this is his own doing, he knows that he's a monster and he knows that he pushed his friends away. He knows that he couldn't expect them to keep trying forever but he wishes that they would. He just wants to hear Sirius find him in the library and tell him it wasn't his fault again.
As he cries, he wishes that he had asked Sirius to sit down, to discuss it. But his pride is strong and his resolve not to hurt them or anybody else is stronger. He keeps to himself, his head down. The next full moon is a nightmare and he doesn't go to class for two days afterwards. He tears himself bloody and Madam Pomfrey takes a long time to heal everything he has done to himself. She points out a new scar that he will have and he tries to pretend that the new scar is why he cries that night.
Part of what hurts so much is how often he sees his former friends. They share all the same classes, are often in the great hall or the common room together. They share the bathroom and the dormitories. Since they're making no effort to try to talk to him anymore, he stops actively avoiding them. That decision only lasts a day until he decides to avoid them again. It hurts less that way. He's thankful when he gets to go home for Christmas break and, for the first time, he contemplates not coming back. He's a coward though, and he loves Hogwarts too much. He has to come back.
Two months and three days after the full moon, Remus notices how pale Sirius is getting. He's concerned and wonders about him, wonders if he's sick or if something is wrong with the family but he knows that it's none of his business. He pushed them away and he knows that he has to live with the consequences. He counts the days since the full moon, wishing that he could take that night back.
It's exactly three months after the full moon that Remus is called into Professor Dumbledore's office. He's in the Great Hall when a Ravenclaw comes up to him and tells him that Dumbledore wants to see him. Remus looks around, wondering what trouble could be happening now. His first thought is that James, Sirius and Peter have caused something that could get them into detention. His next thought, a thought that makes his heart pound, is that Dumbledore found out about him attacking Sirius.
He thanks the Ravenclaw and takes one last bite, standing up and grabbing his things. His feet feel heavy. Is Professor Dumbledore going to expel him? Did Sirius tell him? He hopes that Sirius didn't tell him. He doesn't know what he would do if Sirius did. The gargoyles pop open as soon as he reaches them and he walks up the spiral staircase. His heart is pounding and it feels like his breathing stops as he reaches Dumbledore's office and sees Sirius and Madam Pomfrey there. Sirius is so pale that he looks like he's going to fall at any moment.
"Glad you could join us, Remus. I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner," Dumbledore says and Remus doesn't think that sounds like a man who's about to expel him. Dumbledore conjures up three chairs and goes to sit behind his desk. Remus, Sirius and Madam Pomfrey all sit and Dumbledore looks between the two students. "Now. Sirius. I'd like to hear the whole story."
Remus feels like he's going to cry, feels betrayal pierce his heart. Sirius had told. But why? Why now? Sirius darts what looks like a worried look in Remus' direction and he feels his heart clench. "Me and Remus, um… slept together three months ago." Remus looks at him, confused as the words go through his mind. Slept together? That made it sound consensual. "And…" Sirius looks around wildly, takes another deep breath. "I think that I'm pregnant."
Remus can't breathe. He feels like he's going to black out and he looks down at the ground. Pregnant? That isn't possible. Men can't get pregnant, not even in the magical world. What is going on? Dumbledore just nods. "Madam Pomfrey?"
"He should be taken to the hospital to be sure but from what I could tell, he is indeed pregnant, Professor," Madam Pomfrey says.
"Thank you, Poppy," Dumbledore says quietly, taking a deep breath. He presses his fingers together under his chin as he looks between the boys some more. Remus shifts in his seat, closing his eyes tightly. His fingers are gripping the arm of the chair and his breaths are shaky. "We'll call you if we need you again. For now, I think I'll prepare Sirius to head to St. Mungo's."
Madam Pomfrey nods and leaves, closing the door with a click behind her. Remus finally turns to look at Sirius and he's unsurprised to see Sirius staring at him. The paleness makes sense suddenly and he feels a surprising urge to hold Sirius, to pull him close and make sure that he's alright. He can see the Sirius is shaking. "Professor," Sirius says, looking away from Remus. "I don't understand how this is possible."
Dumbledore nods but doesn't say anything. It seems that his thoughts are elsewhere and Remus frowns. "Professor, we have to figure something out. The fact that he's… he's pregnant."
"Well it seems that I haven't gotten the full story," Dumbledore says, looking at them both. Neither of them are in a hurry to answer but Dumbledore doesn't seem concerned. He just takes another deep breath and finally looks away from them. "This isn't something that I believe should be solved at St. Mungo's. They aren't any more equipped to treat you. You will, of course, need to go and we'll have to notify your parents."
"Not my parents, Professor," Sirius whines and Remus has to hide a smile. Some things will never change, he knows. "They're going to disown me. Not that I'm extremely adverse to the idea but…"
"I'd like to know the full truth. Now is the time to give it to me so that I can do what I can for you both." Dumbledore's tone is different than the last time and he stands up, going over to stand next to his Phoenix's perch. "You both understand?"
Remus and Sirius look at each other instinctively and Remus looks away but Sirius keeps staring. Remus can feel his eyes on him. He appreciates Sirius trying to protect him but Dumbledore should know. He should know that Remus is a monster, even if Remus is expelled for it. He takes a breath, about to open his mouth but Sirius beats him to it. "It was my idea, Professor. I… wanted to feel what it was like. I transfigured myself…" Sirius hesitates, his cheeks going pink. Remus isn't sure he's ever seen Sirius embarrassed before. His next words come out in a rush. "I transfigured myself into a dog and we had sex while he was a werewolf."
"I see," Dumbledore murmurs, sliding his finger down the bird's feathers, studying the bird. Remus is uncomfortable. He wants to talk to Sirius, he wants to ask Sirius how he is. He's trying not to think about the fact that Sirius is pregnant but it's hard to push it away. Sirius is pregnant with his baby. There are so many variables to consider and Remus feels his head start to spin. "Tomorrow you two will be excused from classes and will head to St. Mungo's with me. We will try to explain to the healers. Please meet me in the front hall immediately after breakfast."
Both boys stand up, recognizing the dismissal, and head down the staircases. They don't speak and Remus can tell that Sirius doesn't know what to say any more than he does. He has so many questions that he wants to ask, things that he wants to say, apologies he wants to make but none of them come out. They walk silently next to each other and Sirius says the password once they reach the portrait. They both climb in and Sirius rolls his eyes when Remus starts to head towards the staircase. "Still not talking to me I see."
Remus hesitates a moment, turning back towards Sirius but Sirius is already heading over to tell James and Peter the news. Remus continues towards the dormitories.
