The ride home had been hell. Not that he remembered much of it. There was a faint buzz in the back of his mind that was wiping out any other sensory input. He'd have to check if he needed to clean someone off his windscreen at some point.

There was so much, so many WORDS in his mind. He'd had an hour of blank nothingness, sitting on his sofa and gripping th remote as though I was his last chance in the world. He didn't remember what he'd thought in that hour, what had gone through his mind, if anything, as he stared at the dark TV screen. After that he'd gone through his flat breaking things. And then he'd stopped because there were memories in the things he was breaking, and it felt too much like a betrayal.

He'd missed the train. He'd known that since he'd left the hospital, but it didn't sink in until then, until after the breaking things. He'd finally blown if with Caroline one last time. He'd lost her.

He hated himself for it, but it felt right. What if he'd settled down with her, been comfortable and happy, maybe he would have even proposed… it wasn't as if he'd never considered it, while she was absently humming the Kink's tune that she had once used to get them together, or staring at him across a room. But then he thought of Holly, laughing at his bent knee and serious expression and reconsidered. What if he'd had everything he wanted before he'd found out about this? He couldn't have lived… he snorted to himself. No, it wouldn't have shortened his life expectancy, there wasn't a lot that could do that now. But he would have been miserable with what was left of it.

Maybe he could get Guy to take care of Caroline. He seemed sincere enough about his feelings for her, which was a little strange for Guy. Maybe he could have some desperate-romantic line.

"Take care of her for me." It sounded wrong even to himself, even if he meant every word. And then of course there would be the questions, which he had no intention of answering. He was going to have to move out of catchment for the hospital. There was no way he was going to die there. Maybe he could do it without anyone noticing. Just… disappear.

There was a beep and a click, just loud enough to draw his attention in the silence. He'd forgotten to turn his answering machine off.

"Mac? It's Caroline. You weren't at the station." A sigh. "We need to talk, Mac. Everything seems so much clearer when you're here. But you're NEVER HERE, Mac." His hand was halfway to the receiver. He didn't know what he'd say, how he'd explain, but he had to stop her sounding so sad. "Guy's here." He paused. "Guy always seems to be here and…" He could see her biting her lip, phone in one hand, wine glass in the other. "I told him 'yes'." A whisper, a guilty confession. The call clicked off as the bottom fell out of his world.

"Shit."