Chapter 1:

She's beautiful. More beautiful than anything else in this entire world. And I'm not talking about the way she looks, it's just the way she is. Shay Mitchell is something out of this world. She's my best friend, and I'm madly in love with her. I know it sounds complicated, but, oh who am I kidding? No buts. It's way too complicated. We could've been, once. It was the most amazing couple of months I ever witnessed. But for some cruel reason, it ended, and now i'm stuck here, staring at her beauty pretending to be her friend when i know, i know that I'm still crazy about her. I'm still madly in love with my best friend.

1 Year Ago

"Benzo!" I hear a voice call me the second i step on set, and without a doubt it's her.

"Hey Shan." I greet her back, she's always so hyper in the mornings, one of the many things I love about her.

"Wanna get coffee with me?"

"Uh yeah, just let me put my stuff away and I'll meet up with you."

"Okay gorgeous don't keep me waiting!" She said walking away, and my heart skips a beat when I hear what she called me.

I meet up with Shay around 10 minutes later and we sit around talking and goofing around like we always do, our friendship has always been different than the rest of the girls, now I know why I'm different with her but I don't know why she's different with me. She couldn't possibly.. No. Don't even go there. Don't get stuff like that stuck in your head Ashley, you know you won't be able to stop thinking about it.

"So is Ryan coming along to New York?" She surprises me with her question more than she actually should. The truth is, things haven't been so great between Ryan and I lately. Don't get me wrong, he's absolutely amazing. And we've had a great run for the past 4 years, but somewhere along the way I feel like we lost the connection we used to have.

"Uh, I don't know. I don't think so, I haven't really brought it up to him." I shift uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact.

"Why? Is something going on between you two?"

"Um.."

"Ash. You know you can tell me." She grabs my hand to assure her statement.

"It's not really anything that happened, but things aren't really the way they used to be. But it's whatever, i got more important things to focus on right now, including how we're gonna be late if we don't get going right now."

"Shit i didn't even think about that, let's go!"

After wrapping up filming, I headed home. Shay asked me if i wanted to get some dinner but I decided to pass. Now i know what you're thinking, why would I pass a chance of hanging out with Shay? Well, normally I wouldn't. But I was too tired, and i had a lot i needed to figure out. Including this Ryan thing. Especially, this Ryan thing.

After a long night of thinking, I decided he deserves to know the truth, and I just can't really let anything hold me down from what I really want anymore. And even though I loved and respected Ryan a lot, he wasn't what I really wanted, he never was.

"Hey Ry." I greeted him at the restaurant we agreed to have lunch in.

"Hey Ash." He got up and hugged me.

"How are you? You look tired."

"Yeah I didn't get much sleep last night, but I'm good. What about you?"

"I'm good. So cheeseburger?"

"You know it."

The waiter took our orders and i kept procrastinating telling him the truth until we finished eating.

"Hey Ry?"

"Yeah Benzo?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking, and i realized something, something I've been doing that's not right. I um, I haven't been honest to myself lately, and I haven't been honest to you either. There's no proper way to do this to be honest, or to talk about this, so i'm just gonna be straight forward. I just, I can't do this anymore Ryan. I don't think we should be together anymore, I'm so sorry." I looked down, ashamed of myself for hurting him but also a little proud for finally saying this out loud.

"Wow, uh can I know why?" He said calmly

Should i tell him the truth? He'd understand, i think.

"You want me to be completely honest with you?"

"Always, Ash."

"I feel like somewhere along the way of what we had we lost the magic. I was wondering for weeks on how we lost that, and how we can get it back. But I always knew the truth, deep down, i just never wanted to believe it."

"What is it?"

"Ryan you're the first person I've ever told about this, and i might be making a mistake by doing so but i'm just going to be honest. I um, I.." My voice kept fading. Am I really going to say it out loud?

"I'm in love with, with-"

"Shay." He cut me off by surprise, my jaw almost dropping the floor.

"What?"

"You're in love with Shay."

"H-how did you know that?" My voice barely coming out as a whisper

"Come on Ash, i know you. And i'd be lying if i said i didn't see it coming. When we used to go on dates and Shay'd tag along, I'm the one who'd feel like a third wheel because of what you two share. I'm just surprised you didn't say it sooner."

"I'm sorry Ry."

"Don't. Don't ever apologize for how or what you feel. I'm thankful that you were honest with me, and now i need you to be honest with Shay as well."

"I can't tell her, she'd never look at me the same way again."

"You can't keep hiding this forever either Ash."

"I'll hide it as long as I have to. I just can't risk losing her, i'd rather be just friends with her and keep my secret safe, rather than for it to be out and Shay pushing me away."

"You never know what might happen. For example, did you expect me to be this cool about this?"

"Well no not really."

"Okay, you don't know what Shay's reaction might be either. Listen to me Ash, all of these years, I've never met two people like you and Shay who claimed to be only friends. She feels something for you, whether she tells you or not, she does, it's clear as day. And you'll never know unless you ask. You've been hiding this for so long, it's waring you out. Don't do it anymore, you don't have to."

"Yeah I guess you're right."

"You promise you'll tell her?"

"I will, i will. Soon." I wasn't just promising Ryan that, I was promising myself. He was right, I couldn't do this any longer. It's too painful. So i decided to tell her, i decided to tell her in New York.