Cum Tacent, Clamant

Part I

Chapter I

God she was crying again. And trying not to look at him. He hated when she did that, tried to drag her eyes away and hide the tears. Maybe he was grateful really. He would be, if she would keep them looking away. But they never stayed away – they peered back at him after a few seconds, then away again, then back and on and on until he felt like he was at some surreal tennis game.

It was quiet, as it had been for the last couple of months. Only the stifled sound of her sobs broke the silence and they seemed louder because of it. Jack wished she would be quiet. He had wanted this to be easy on her. And on him too, if he was honest. But she wasn't listening to anything he said. Or didn't say.

'You've known for three months? Three months and you didn't tell me?'

She could hardly speak through the tears she was trying to control.

'I didn't know an exact date until a week ago.'

He was tired. He felt he should go over and put his arms around her and say he was sorry, but he couldn't. He wasn't sorry. And pretending he was would be worse. It would take too much effort. So he put his palms flat on the kitchen worktop in front of him and took his weight on them, lifting his feet an inch or two off the floor and hovering there while he waited for her to speak again.

'So why didn't you tell me last week?'

Placed himself back down silently. 'It was your father's birthday Kate. I didn't want to ruin that.' But I ruined it anyway didn't I? Because your father doesn't like me much, I'm not the man he wanted for his oldest daughter. His princess. To him, I'm a frog that will never be a prince. He'll be delighted that I'm leaving.

'It was my father's birthday for one day Jack. There have been six days since then and you didn't tell me on any of them. You're telling me now and you're leaving tomorrow.' She glared up at him with her large blue eyes that were shiny with tears. Full of anger and pain. He wished he still cared. But this was grating on him like fingers on a blackboard and his ears were starting to hurt.

'Yeah.' OK, that was a lame response. But what else could he say? He didn't have an excuse for his behaviour after all. Jack brushed his fingers across his nose and then pinched the bridge of it, staring downwards and trying to care. He did really. Just not right now. 'I have to go out for a couple of hours Kate. I'm sorry. We'll talk later.'

He walked over and stood next to her, looked down and tried to smile reassuringly. He even reached for her shoulder to rest a hand on. She pulled away, never taking her angry eyes off his face.

'Don't you need to pack?'

He already had, this morning when she was at brunch with her father. He wasn't taking much with him but the storage guys had come to take his boxes away. She hadn't been upstairs yet so she didn't know. All the big stuff was hers anyway, he'd only really been a lodger here. They had pretended otherwise but if she would just open her eyes, she would see that he'd never really been there. Not since the first couple of months.

'Later. I really have to go. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. It wasn't nice of me. I just…'

She leaned forward, almost eagerly. He might actually say something real this time, instead of empty words that filled gaps in the air.

'…hadn't found a good moment.'

She sat back in her chair again, one elbow on the smooth polish of the wooden table while fingers traced circles on the surface. She watched the invisible patterns she made.

She wanted to throw the damn table at him.

'Go out. We'll talk later.' Her voice was listless and gave away no emotion but Jack knew she was hurting. Any normal person would under these circumstances. But he was empty inside, unable to find any real empathy. He wanted to but it just wasn't there.

Instead he said 'OK,' in a normal voice like everything was all right, then grabbed his car keys and headed out of the door.

Kate stared as the door closed behind him, wondering who this man was that she had lived with for six months. He had steadily withdrawn more and more from her and had been gone for a while now, if she was honest. But she held on to his physical body and hoped it would house the real Jack again someday, the sweet funny guy that had got lost somewhere and replaced by this stranger that she couldn't reach, no matter how far she stretched.

Now it seemed she was out of time. She had tried to get to him before the clock ran down but the fuse was at its end and God knows what would happen now.


He sighed with relief as he exited the house and headed for the car in the huge double garage, wanting more than anything to get out of here. Even if he was just going into work for a final run down of the mission, anything was better than having those eyes staring at him, leaking water constantly and leaving him with the feeling that he should be doing more to help her understand. Which he knew he should really. He just couldn't seem to muster the energy to get into it, it was all a hassle that he couldn't deal with anymore.

As he drove down the street he wondered if the apathy was a side-effect of his little foray into the world of drugs. He'd read it was possible. But if he was honest with himself, he knew it wasn't that, because this had started long before he first made the operational decision to become a user. It was just something that happened he guessed, they'd drifted apart. All those long hours he was putting in and then required to get into a tux to go to the country club for dinner. Talking to billionaire businessmen over drinks was surreal, they didn't know what to make of him although he was able to make enough conversation to keep it from being awkward. It was just that he didn't belong in that world and everyone knew it, including himself. All the extravagance made him uncomfortable, Christ, he'd pretty much lived off army rations for ten years not too long ago and he couldn't get along with fois gras and escargot on a Saturday night, it was too weird. It made him itch to go and do something physical, just in case the idleness of wealth suddenly rubbed off on him.

He pulled into CTU and sat for a moment in his car. It was Sunday and everything seemed quiet – no shifts changing for a while. Everyone would be inside, humming with activity, planning out the final details – all working so hard for one guy. Him. So that he could go undercover and retrieve information and oh yeah, try not to get killed as well. He was glad of them, this team that worked so hard but it all seemed too strange today, his mind was too quiet. Nothing about him felt tense. It couldn't be the drugs because his last shot was yesterday morning but still – normally before a deep cover mission, he felt nervous, there was adrenaline pumping through him the day before. Today? Nothing.

Well, no. That wasn't quite true. There was something but even as he started to acknowledge it, he rejected it. He wasn't going to think like that. He jumped out of the car and went to work. Time to get this over with.


Tony reached for the phone but stopped as he saw Michelle below his office talking to one of the tech guys. He walked to the door and stuck his head round it instead.

'Michelle!' Almost a shout really. She glanced up to show that she'd heard him, then finished her brief conversation about the information exchange they were thinking of setting up with the Mexican authorities. Then she walked up to Tony, who was still hovering in the doorway with an anxious expression on his face.

'There's no need to shout for me Tony. What's up?'

'Is he here yet?'

'If he were here, we'd be down in the conference room. What's the matter with you today? You look like you're about to have an attack of something.'

Tony let his shoulders slump, then he sighed and motioned her inside with a jerk of his head. 'Just busy. Division's breathing down my neck.' They sat down in the armchairs and Michelle noticed how tense he was. He paused before adding 'And - has he said anything to you about this job?'

'Like what?'

'Like why he's taking it.'

Michelle thought for a moment. 'You've asked me this before Tony and I don't know anything new. This is a dangerous mission. You know Jack. He's not going to put a less experienced agent in there, they'd get killed. He's doing it because he's the best man for it.' She studied her husband carefully. 'You know this. What's the real problem?'

Tony sighed and stared at the floor. 'I don't know. There's something different about him recently. I can't describe it but…' He didn't know what he was trying to say. 'Never mind. Anyway, he's late. We're stacked up and Division are waiting for updates on the details. Chappelle's gonna be here in an hour, we have to figure out whether jurisdiction's going to be a problem, Chloe's been driving the Field guys crazy, the new kid's buzzing around like he's on speed and we're all waiting for Jack to get here. So where the hell is he?'

Michelle smiled, reached out and rubbed his leg. She knew he was stressed – and that he was worried and was trying to hide it. 'Tony?' He raised an eye to hers. 'Jack will be fine. Don't worry about him, he's the best we've got. And we're handling things on our end. It'll be OK.'

Will it Michelle? You haven't heard everything Salazar likes to do to people he doesn't like. Hell, even some people he does like. I'd be worried if I was going in there with next to no back up. 'Yeah I know sweetheart. It'll be fine. I'm just tired.' He tried to smile at his wife. And he isn't. No emotion at all. He doesn't seem to care. That's why I'm worried. She smiled and stood up, went to move back down to the floor. He watched her. I've seen him like this before. After Teri died. It was worse then, but it's getting bad now as well. And I don't know why.

'Oh hey, I see him. I'll go get people into the conference room. Or do you want to talk to him up here about anything first?'

Tony stood and walked to the desk. 'Department heads in twenty minutes. I need to sort out this jurisdiction thing with him first.' Michelle nodded and left, passing Jack on the stairs as he headed up to Field Ops. She said 'hi' to him but he didn't seem to hear her and she rolled her eyes slightly as she went back to work.

'Hey Tony.'

'Hey Jack.' Tony picked up a file. 'I need to talk to you. You got a few?'

'I guess. What time's the briefing?'

'Twenty minutes.'

Jack nodded and followed Tony into his office. 'What's up?'

'We need to figure out what we're going to tell the Mexican authorities about you. We left it until the last minute so chatter was kept down, but we need to let them know by tonight what's going on. What time will you arrive?'

Jack just stared at him. 'What the hell are you talking about? We're not telling them anything.'

'What? Of course we are!'

'Tony, listen to what you're saying for Chris' sakes. You don't think Salazar has people in authority over there? If we let them know tonight that I'm coming, they'll shoot me as soon as I set foot outside the airport tomorrow. Get real.'

Tony flinched slightly as the last two words were spat at him with venom. 'Jack…if things go south and we have to get you out of there quickly, we're going to need the Mexicans to go and get you. You're unauthorized down there, your cover will be fact…

'Why are you telling me stuff I already know? We don't have time for this.'

He ploughed on regardless, determined to be heard. 'Then you know it means that CTU can't cross the border until the last second. We'll be a couple of hours away from you at all times – how the hell do you expect to survive if things go wrong? Be realistic Jack…'

'No Tony, listen to me. Anyone in the Mexican government knows I'm coming, this mission is over before I leave. Salazar is a serious player, we wouldn't be going near him if he weren't. So don't tell me that we're going to mess this thing up from the start, we've all worked too hard. I'll find a way to keep the information I find safe and get it back to you, don't worry about that. No letting them know who I am or what I'm doing there and no information exchanges to secure my rescue if needed, OK?'

Tony looked down at the floor. 'What if you do need a quick rescue though?'

'I'll look after myself Tony, don't worry about me.'

Jack was calm as he stood, his features relaxed and Tony found it disconcerting somehow. That a man could be so blasé about his personal safety was strange but then he reminded himself that this was Jack and it was fairly normal behaviour. But why Jack? Why don't you care?

He sat down wearily. 'So, you want me to call Division and tell them that we're sending you in there undercover, completely alone, no back-up, no support system, and you think they're just going to trust that you can do this?'

'They don't have a choice.' Jack watched Tony sitting there and didn't get what his problem was. It wasn't as though he hadn't gone undercover before, why the worry this time?

Another sigh. 'No, I don't suppose they do. OK, I'll call them and let them know.' Jack nodded and went to walk out. 'Jack?' He stopped and looked back.

'What's going on?'

Don't ask me Tony, you don't want to know. 'We've got a job to do Tony and I'm the best person to do it. That's all.' He walked on without waiting for a response. Tony stared after him in frustration then reached for the phone. It was all he could do.

The briefing was fairly straightforward. Jack made sure that everyone knew the details of his cover and what they might have to do maintain it. He gave a brief estimate of how long he expected the mission to take, what he hoped to achieve in addition to the vital information they required. Tony took over and explained that Jack would be trying to get in contact once a week at a designated time, but that it might not always be possible, so all staff should be aware of the procedures if a call time and its three back-ups were missed. No one had to spell out what it meant if Jack missed more than three back-up slots.

Then it was all said and Jack left the conference room for his office, leaving everyone sitting there, watching him go and wondering what it would be like to be him right now. He was about to disappear, become someone else entirely and if he forgot that for one minute he'd probably die. Most people around the table were suddenly glad that they didn't work in Field Ops. Everyone knew of Salazar's reputation.

They filed out to go back to their jobs and Michelle hung back for a second. 'You feel better now Tony? He seemed fine.'

He was stuffing papers back into folders and wouldn't look at her. No Michelle I don't. He's not fine. I can't explain it. You don't know him like I do. You don't know the lengths to which he'll go.

'Sure. Everything's set. He'll get the call in the morning that we're a go, there's nothing here that Division can't live with.'

She ran her hand up his arm before she left, a gesture designed to comfort, except it didn't and she knew it. Tony headed back up to his office, looking over to Jack's as he walked up the stairs and seeing him on the phone talking with someone. He tried to shake the uneasiness that had been bothering him for a few weeks but it wouldn't go away and it was driving him crazy, he couldn't put his finger on what it was. He stared down at the floor below, deep in thought and was only roused by a knocking on the door. He turned and waved Jack inside.

'I'm all done here Tony. We're set, right?' He put a file down on the desk, all information relating to his personal infiltration plans. Stuff the others didn't know.

'Yeah I guess. I can call if there's any changes last-minute.' He paused. 'You got a minute to talk?'

Jack tried to conceal his frustration by nodding. He just wanted to get out of here. Instead, he dropped into a chair and wondered what this was about, why Tony had been treading on egg shells around him recently as though there was something he was desperate to say but couldn't get out.

'You talk to Kim?'

'Yeah. She knows I'm going.'

'Does she know that she'll probably be involved with the mission once she starts working here?'

'I'm not allowed to tell her that, she doesn't work here yet.' She wouldn't graduate officially for another month but she'd already been interviewed for the position and passed all the security checks so she would start pretty much start straight away. Low level stuff to begin with of course, but even low level people would be involved on a mission of this size.

'You want me to talk to her when she starts?'

For the first time in a month, Tony saw a flash of the real Jack, the one he knew. It was in the way his features twisted ever so slightly and conveyed worry and affection, in the way his eyes looked troubled. He even smiled a little and when he spoke, his voice sounded like it used to.

'Yeah. Thanks Tony, I'd appreciate that.' Then it was gone and his face lost all expression again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his CTU ID, which he slid across the desk. 'Look after that for me would you?'

Tony picked it up and tapped it against his hand. There would be a letter inside, along with his badge. 'You sure?'

'Yeah.' Give it to her if I don't come back OK?

OK Jack.

He stood to leave, tapping the folder he'd put down for Tony and then sliding it efficiently towards him. He couldn't take those plans with him. Then he pulled on his jacket and made to leave, turning away. At the last minute he glanced up at Tony and something about him made him stop.

'What?'

Tony fiddled with the corner of the file, hesitant to say anything. But this was all wrong. Jack was always business-like when he was working, but something was different here. He was too cold. He was about to walk out of the door without saying goodbye, no handshake, nothing. After the months of preparation, the hours and hours of work that had gone into planning this mission, Jack was acting like it was a routine thing. They both knew it wasn't. It didn't seem right.

He let go of the file and scratched at his cheek. Jack was staring at him with impatience.

'Tony, if you've got something to say, spit it out. I gotta get going.'

'I just wanted to say…look after yourself.'

Oh fuck. The guy was going to get sentimental on him. Jack made sure the thought didn't register on his face but he couldn't stop the mental eye-rolling.

'I'll be fine.' Let me out of here Tony, I gotta go…

'No, that's not how I meant it exactly.'

'Well, say what you mean.'

'It's just that – you're different lately Jack. And I can't help feeling that its not a good thing. Just know that…' What's going on man…? 'Make sure you come back, alright? Don't do anything stupid. We need you to bring this off, and there'll be a lot of cleaning up to do afterwards. You'll have to be here to help with that.'

Not quite what he wanted to say but he hoped Jack got the message.

Jack stared at him, unblinking.

'Yeah.' He turned to go.

'Good luck.'

'Yeah.'

And then he was gone. Tony knew it was stupid, but he felt a little hurt. He didn't know what he expected but it was more than that. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Oh well. It would start very soon now and he had to focus. He picked up the folder and Jack's ID and filed them both away carefully, noticing Jack walking across the floor downstairs, headed for the exit. People were looking at him, aware that he'd be gone for a long while. But he didn't acknowledge any of them, didn't seem to notice them at all. He was locked in his own space and no one was invited into it, no one dared try and intrude. People tensed as he walked by, it was visible on their faces. He pushed his way out of the door and the air seemed to lose its tension, people visibly relaxed. Tony marvelled at how obvious it was when you saw it from a distance.

A thought crossed his mind and he pushed it away instantly, refusing to contemplate it. But it crept back and, reluctantly, Tony allowed himself to spend a quiet moment wondering if he'd ever see Jack again.


He slid his shades on as he left CTU and felt his heart sink as he realised that now he had to go back and deal with Kate. He should've done better with that situation, it wouldn't be so hard for her if he'd made more effort before. But really – would it have been fair of him to act like everything was OK? That would hurt her even more now that he was leaving. Better that she be angry with him probably, then she could tell herself he was a jerk and she was better off without him. Which might even be true.

He pulled out of the parking lot and made as if to go back to her place. Then he changed his mind at the last minute and headed downtown instead. He hadn't given a time when he would be back, so she wasn't expecting him. He had time to go and do some other things first.

As he drove, he almost smiled. He felt lighter than he had in months. He was done with CTU, for a while at least, and he hadn't expected to feel this good about it. One more evening to get through at Kate's place and then it would just be him again.

He couldn't wait.