Somehow-Someway
Maybe one day it will all feel right. Maybe one day I will no longer feel broken. Maybe one day all of my pain can subside and I can actually heal. Maybe one day, somehow, someway.-Katniss/Peeta after rebellion. Rated M for violence, drama, attempt suicide, and sexual scenes due to pregnancy.-
I wake up to the sound of pure emptiness. Just like everyday. A whole three years has passed since the second rebellion ended. There are no more hunger games, yet I still sit up here in my house in Victor's Village dreading every day of my life. I feel as if I am trapped up here inside this empty room- I feel like if I leave this room my nightmares will follow me down the stairs, out the door, in the pure sunshine or pouring rain. I can not run from my nightmares, even if I tried. Peeta tells me it is safe. No one can hurt me but he does not know that I can hurt myself. He tells me that I can live again, but how am I supposed to live when I feel like I am already dead to the world? Peeta tries to visit me. I can hear him downstairs often. He walks around, cleans up things, brings me food, tells me what to do, tries to make me speak to him but I have not in a year. He can hear the screams that escape my house every night when sleep wins the fight I battle every night. Nightmares of Prim dying over and over again. Nightmares of my father killing himself because I let Prim die. Nightmares of things that has never happened-but could have since I let so many people die. I hope Peeta gives up on me and tries to live again for himself. I am so selfish up here. Sitting here thinking about me but in reality- it is all I can do correctly.
People tell me I can cry. I can let all my emotions out, but the funny thing is that I can not cry any longer. Tears will not escape my grey eyes. My eyes are so dry from crying all these years and from many deaths that were my fault, I can no longer cry. I can no longer feel pain. I am emotionless. I feel nothing. No one can hurt me up here locked in a room because I can not feel anything. Shutting the world out- you either feel everything or nothing at all. And I feel the latter. My eyes are dry, my throat is hoarse, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is numb, my legs are shaking and weak, my heart is broken. I am no longer the girl on fire. I am just a spark that has been blown out and forgotten.
Am I crazy for being up here everyday for years? Maybe. Am I broken or numb? Both. Maybe because of everything that has happened all I can feel is gone. My emotions are gone with all the beautiful people that have died. Maybe this is all just a horrible nightmare. Maybe I will wake up and it was all a dream. Maybe it is the day of the reaping and I am about to wake up to prepare for another normal day of hunting. Maybe life itself is a dream and once I die I will finally wake up.
I can not say that I do not love Peeta- but I do not know what I feel about him. I definitely feel guilty for letting him down and now living. He told me he loved me and I just sit up here, slowly dying over and over again. What if I stand up? I will surely fall because I am so weak. But what if Peeta was here to help me? What if I scream for him to come and save me from these nightmares? I will not scream because my voice is gone. I have not tried to speak but maybe I can.
"Help," I whisper to myself. My voice comes out softly, hoarsly, and broken but I can still speak. "Help," I say in a normal tone voice. "Help!" I scream finally, my voice louder than before. I swing my feet off the ledge of the window and brace myself for impact of the floor incase I fall but I do not. I stand. I stand proud and boldly. I stand and shout, "HELP!" once more. I take a few steps and the mirror on the wall is in view. I take a look at myself and my heart sinks more than ever. I look hideous. My hair is falling out, tangled and ragged. My body is covered in burn scars and bruises. My body is so small, so weak, so thin, that I can see my ribs through my shirt. I hear the door slam downstairs and a pair of heavy footsteps. I swallow and turn to the door as it opens.
"Peeta," his words come out of my mouth in a whisper at the sight of him. Still more beautiful than ever. He looks healthy, fit, clean, well fed. I am glad he has taken care of himself. His dirty blond hair that falls just above his eyebrows and his sparkling blue eyes filled with hope as I stand here. His eyes look at me up and down before he sighs. His light smile brings butterflies to my stomach and I actually feel something.
"Katniss, are you okay?" He asks as he stands in the doorway. I shake my head in response and he sighs. "What can I do for you?" He asks. I walk towards him and capture his lips in a kiss. I need to feel something. I need to figure out what my feelings are for this man and I need to find who I am again. His lips are soft, warm gentle, and I get the same feeling like I did on the beach in the Quarter Quell. Whatever is in this kiss makes me hungry for more. Peeta is definitely surprised but his lips quickly respond. Soon we are kissing like there is no tomorrow and I feel refreshed once he finally pulls away.
"I needed to feel something." I croak out, as he stares at me in confusion.
"Katniss, I don't understand. You've locked yourself in here for years and now suddenly you decide to come down and live again? What made you change your mind?"
"Me." I say simply because it is true. "You." I add because it is also because of him. "My dad." I finish. I know my father would want me to live. He would want me to be happy again.
"Why don't we get you something to eat. You must be starving." He says gently as he takes my hand, leading me downstairs. I sit in a chair at the dining room table and watch him cook. He bakes cheese buns and lamb stew, knowing it is my favorite. The whole time I study his movements and his face. He keeps a gentle smile plastered on his lips. I am truly greatful for this Mellark boy in front of me.
"Here you are," He says, sliding a bowl of my favorite stew and my favorite pastry in front of me. He sits across from me, watching me as I lift the spoon. I take a bite and it melts in my mouth. A small gasp escapes my lips and I finish the bowl in minutes. I then grab the cheese bun and shove it into my mouth. Effie would not approve of my manners and I roll my eyes when I think of the outburst she would have if she saw me right now. Peeta watches me intently but does not say anything or do anything. I look up at him once the food is all down my throat and I stand. He watches me still but still remains motionless and tongue tied. I grab a cup and fill it to the brim with cold water from the sink. I take a giant gulp of the water and I feel it fall down my throat. I drink the whole glass and I finally feel like I can speak.
"I don't know what to say to you," I say honestly because I don't.
"Say what you've been thinking about." He says, looking up at me from the table.
"I don't know what I feel about anyone or anything and I'm utterly confused about myself." I say, sliding back into the chair across from Peeta.
He sighs and thinks for a moment before his perfect lips open again as he speaks, "I still love you Katniss. I know you don't feel the same and I'm not trying to pressure you or anything but I just want you to live again."
"Thanks Peeta. I'm sorry I can't say I love you back, just give me time to think about it." I say and look down at the mahogany table.
"Of course. You can have all the time you need." He says, smiling softly.
Peeta stands and takes my hand in his because it feels natural for the two of us to always have physical contact. I do not mind it, I actually love the feel of his warm hand captivating my own. He pulls me from the chair and walks with me out of my dull house. Once we step outside I look around and see the green grass, the blue sky, the birds chirping, the flowers growing, everything is so beautiful. I take in the smell and it smells of flowers and nature. I look to Peeta and he is beaming. Not just in happieness but the sun is shining on his golden hair and sparkling blue eyes and I feel somewhere deep inside of me that I do truly love Peeta. I have to. He is all I have left, but he is also all I want.
"Peeta?" I ask after walking around for twenty minutes. He looks at me so I continue, "How are you?"
He sighs and looks to the floor before he answers, "I have flashbacks almost every night. Nightmares everytime I close my eyes and I've been incredibly lonely but Haymitch and Effie have been helping somewhat. Oh and extremely worried about you."
I nod in response, knowing not to ask further questions reguarding his flashbacks incase his has one or an attack. We walk a little while longer and then we turn around and head back to my house.
"C-can I ask you something?" Peeta asks.
"Yes." I say simply.
"Can you sleep over at my house tonight? I just want a normal night sleep again." He says nervously.
"I'd like that." I say and for the first time in years- I smile.
