I can't believe I've waited so long. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and before I knew it years were passing down the treadmill of my life. I can't say they were lonely years – I'd be lying. But they were all years without him.
And now he's here on my doorstep. With a heavy bag on his shoulder. What should I do…?
Chiaki walked right in when I held the door open for him. It wasn't like him. It wasn't like him at all! Was he not practically forbidden from meeting me in private? All I could do was stare as he easily found his way to my bedroom.
"Oi, eh…Chiaki!"
He hadn't even said hello to me yet.
"What?"
His eyes looked dim, dull. It was such a horror to look in them. I didn't understand. What happened? What was wrong? Chiaki proceeded to push my door open and walk right in – which I had no objections to, of course. But why did it have to happen like this? Like he was visiting a grave yard instead of his best friend.
"Chiaki!"
I couldn't hold myself much more, lost all sense of self control. I pinched his shoulders down hard. That sent his back crashing into my chest. He had not moved or struggled. We just leaned on the wall for a while, after bumping into it. Through hapering, unsteady breathing I listened to my room's silence. One year from now, this would have been Heaven… Now, I pushed him off me and turned away, looking embarrassed.
That is what one-sided love could do. Did I still want him? Did my heart still ache for him so?
And with spite, regret, I realized: No.
"What about your studio?"
I had sat him down at the table. Three beers later he began to talk. And the strangest things had come out of that mouth. The strange ideas he's been having. Of coming to live with me. Here. In my parents' estate. But what else could I do with him? He's my dearest friend, and he's already sold his appartment. Houses like that don't get found easily in Tokyo.
"Not any more…"
He has been talking, but half of the time I don't even know what he's talking about. With his ass and pretty legs on the floor. No. I must not be thinking like that.
"We can get you another one. An – an even bigger one. Yes, bigger. Hire more artists, and – "
"Noooo! No more."
He began to shout. If he doesn't hold his yap right now, I'm afraid someone in the house might hear!
"Oi, oi, oi. Chiaki, keep it down."
No! Crap, no. He leaned into the touch when I pressed my hand to his lips. Dropped his eyelids seductively. Why is this happening exactly? What's going on?
But there was no real happiness in his smile. It was ridden with desire, only. Was that all he had left for me? Had I been waiting all these years for this? No, no – this couldn't be right. But still I pulled him closer to me. Like I was glued to the spot. I don't know what went in to me that night. And I don't know who the drunk one was: him, or me? Only one thing was certain. The next day I woke up in a messy bed. Everything seemed so dull under the morning light. Nothing like the hidden romance of the evening. I was faced with reality. My butt hurt more than I could ever imagine…
/ End of First Chapter /
