Disclaimer: Yes, I do own FMA. And Pluto. It's very nice during the spring... What do you think?

---------- ---------- It's Raining Cats and Dogs ---------- ----------

Gloved fingers slowly drummed a repetitive beat. Onyx eyes stared down at the papers covered desk, slightly glazed. Roy Mustang was not happy. He was really not happy. On top of everything else that had gone wrong today, he had paperwork. Lots of paperwork. And Roy Mustang did not like paperwork. He wished the paperwork would just disappear. Mysteriously vanish. Burn slowly until nothing remained but ashes...

A shot rang out.

The frazzled man sat stone still, fingers still poised to snap.

His coal black eyes were now riveted on the barrel mere inches from his nose.

"Don't burn your paperwork, Sir," A smooth voice chastised, annoyance evident in the sharp tone. It was a soft voice, not very loud, and almost sounded sweet. But it was firm, and commanded attention.

It was the voice of a slave driver.

Another shot rang out.

"Do your paperwork, Colonel. Now."

Scratch that.

It was the voice of the devil.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. Just watch where you point that thing," Roy muttered, eyeing the young officer warily, waiting for her to leave.

But the Lieutenant stayed.

Muttering darkly under his breath, Roy gingerly lifted a pen and began signing the accursed papers.

Hearing retreating footsteps, the brunet glanced up just in time to see the woman exit, slowly closing the office door behind her.

Hmm... Riza Hawkeye. The only woman in the Eastern Headquarters he feared.

In fact, she was the only soldier in the whole army that he was afraid of. Thank God she was his subordinate. Not that it was bad having someone like her around. On the contrary, it was kind of nice. She was a change of pace, a sight for sore eyes.

And she had a nice ass.

Shaking his black haired head violently, Mustang returned to his work. He was not supposed to think about Riza that way. Any other woman, fine. But not Riza.

She was his subordinate.

And she would kill him if she found out.

Damn that aim of hers.

With a shudder, Roy looked down at his papers. Maybe he should think about other women. That might help. All women loved him.

Except for Lorain, apparently.

He honestly hadn't seen that coming.

Once again, all women loved him. They fought tooth and nail to get at the famous - or infamous, depending on whom you asked- Colonel Mustang.

No one had ever dumped Roy Mustang.

Except for Lorain.

And she just had to do it over the phone.

Over the phone on a military line.

Lines which were infamous for being insecure and constantly tapped.

So, naturally, the whole headquarters now knew that he'd been dumped.

For the first time ever.

By a girl that wasn't even that good looking.

Now that he thought about it, Havoc had looked rather smug when he handed in his report an hour ago. Maybe he was just happy that the shoe was on the other foot after all the girls that had dumped him for a chance at dating the Flame Alchemist.

Or maybe...

It was a conspiracy, he knew it!

Unfortunately, the weather had decided to match his mood. Only a few minutes after the phone call of doom, it had begun to rain.

Pour.

And it had continued incessantly for the rest of the day.

Roy didn't like rain.

He really didn't like rain.

He hated it more than paperwork. More that Hawkeye's gun!

Okay, so he only hated it a little bit more than Hawkeye's gun. He truly loathed that gun.

But that was beside the point. The point being, of course, that he hated rain.

He couldn't burn stuff if it was raining. And if he couldn't burn stuff, he was sort of useless...

Okay, completely useless.

But that wasn't his fault!

Okay, so maybe it was.

Maybe he shouldn't have specialized in just flame alchemy. Maybe he should have been an all-rounder, like Fullmetal...

Speaking of Fullmetal, wasn't he supposed to come in and report today? Roy kind of hoped Edward wouldn't show up - it wasn't unusual for the teen to just skip out on meetings. As much fun as it was to torment the young alchemist, the shrimp was loud. And the colonel didn't feel like dealing with loud things today.

Like Fullmetal.

And Riza's gun.

And rain.

Rain could be very loud. Especially when you're in a bad mood and are trying to do your paperwork. But for some reason the rain was really quiet today. In fact, he hadn't heard much of anything - other than Riza and her gun - in the last half hour. Which was kind of funny: it was raining cats and dogs.

Really, it was.

Roy had checked a few minutes before Riza came in...

Wait a minute...

Whirling around, the brunet stared in bewilderment out his large window.

It was raining cats and dogs.

Literally.

And a few hamsters and rabbits seemed to have been thrown into the mix.

It was like...

It was like...

It was like someone was standing on the roof above his office, tossing over all the cute, fuzzy, baby animals his younger brother had rescued from the gutter and damp alleys in the past few weeks.

Maybe Fullmetal was going to show up today.

Mustang kind of hoped so.

Despite the migraine that would guarantee, at least then he'd know he wasn't going insane and seeing things.

But that would mean he'd actually have to talk to Edward.

Maybe he could get out of the meeting.

But how...

Maybe if he had a mission...

Yeas! That's what he'd do! He'd assign himself a mission!

But what type of mission?

There weren't any mass murderers on the loose. Well, none besides Scar. And there hadn't been any sightings of him in weeks. Let's see... there weren't any civil uprisings to put down or mysterious warehouses to investigate.

Maybe...

A loud yowl brought the colonel out of his thoughts as a particularly fat cat streaked past his window.

Alphonse seemed to have a particularly large collection this month. Animals had been falling for at least 15 minutes now.

Something really ought to be done about them. The East Headquarters was not a petting zoo. It was a military institution. They couldn't have a bunch of animals running around.

Somebody ought to find those animals homes...

He should find them homes! It was perfect! Foolproof! Ingenious!

But it might take some time.

It was a lot of animals.

He hopped they were all okay. It was kind of a long fall. His office was on the fourth floor, and there were at least three more above his...

After toppling his chair and falling over the large, mahogany desk, a blue blur speed out of the room.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

Roy glared darkly at the contents of the cardboard box he'd scavenged from behind the mess hall.

What had possessed Fullmetal to empty his brother out from the top of a building?

A nine story building?

Maybe he had a thick enough skull to survive that fall, but no one else could.

Okay, maybe the Homunculi could, but they didn't count; they weren't human.

So, no mortal could survive that fall. And the last time the brunet checked, kittens and puppies were mortal.

So what the hell possessed Edward to chuck them off a building?

Thankfully, he had arrived just in time to rescue the remaining seven critters, boot the idiot over the edge, free the younger Elric from his confines, and warn Alphonse to keep his next batch of pets out of his brother's sight.

So, after ordering the brothers to... 'dispose' of the deceased furballs, Roy had wandered off to find a means of transporting his newest charges. That task completed, he just needed to do something with them. Mustang was not having much success with is brainstorming.

For starters, what was he supposed to do with two kittens, a puppy, and four rabbits

All kittens he could have handled.

Or puppies.

Everyone loved puppies.

But no. There just had to be four rabbits.

Where did Alphonse even find rabbits? Was it wandering around in the refuge camps? No, that couldn't be it. Rabbits wouldn't survive a minute in a refuge camp. Hare stew was, after all, the Ishvalan's national dish.

Not that they had much better luck with the Elric Brothers.

"Mister? Why are you standing there with a box? Did your girlfriend kick you out of the house?"

Roy glanced down to see a small redhead staring innocently up at him, pulling on the hem of his 'butt skirt' to get his attention.

The Flame Alchemist stared down at the little girl. Was he that much of a chick magnet that six year olds were attracted to him?

With a soft smile, the colonel crouched down to the child's eyelevel.

"No, my girlfriend didn't throw me out. These aren't my clothes and things; these are..."

"Bunnies!"

Roy stared in bewilderment as the girl gently lifted a tan rabbit from the box and hugged it close.

"Mister, can... can I keep him?"

"Um... sure, why not? But I think it's a she."

"Thanks, Mister! I'm going to call him Hoppy!" Emerald eyes sparkled with happiness. "Hey, Mister Army person Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"What's your name?"

"Roy Mustang."

The little girl stared at him incredulously. "You're Colonel Mustang?"

He blinked a few times. He wasn't used to getting that reaction from first graders.

"Yes. Why? Have you heard of me?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Uh-huh. Mommy and Daddy talk about you all the time. Daddy says you're the spawn of Satan."

The Flame Alchemist was taken aback. Sure he'd done some bad things in his time, but to warrant that level of hatred? What'd he ever do to this guy?

"But Mommy loves you. She has your picture in the kitchen and hanging above the fireplace."

Oh.

"She says that one day you'll swoop into her life and... and... and you two will fall madly in love and el... elophe... elope. Daddy gets mad when she says that."

Yeah.

Maybe that did warrant loathing.

"Well, thank you again, Mister Colonel Mustang! I'll take good care of Hoppy! Don't worry! You can come and visit him if you want."

Roy watched the little girl skip off, brain awhirl with activity, processing this new information.

So little girls liked furry baby animals...

Well duh.

All women loved furry baby animals.

Why hadn't he remembered this earlier? For some reason he just couldn't comprehend, the concept of handing out his charges to small children just hadn't occurred to him.

Okay, so maybe he did know why it hadn't.

He wasn't exactly surrounded by small children on a regular basis. Not only was the Eastern Headquarters not a petting zoo, it was not a daycare center. On top of that, most of his friends were single.

Roy could only even think of one child he saw on a regular basis - besides Fullmetal, that is.

And needless to say, today Elysia would be getting her first pet, courtesy of 'Uncle Roy.'

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

Sauntering down the street, Roy whistled a happy tune. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and he only had five more furballs to go!

He had just left the Hughes household, where his best friend's daughter had immediately latched onto a grey tabby.

Okay, so he would be the first to admit two adoptions weren't the best of success rates. But it was only 12 o-clock! And the longer he drug this out, the less time he would have for paperwork!

'You know,' the colonel reflected as he strolled down the sidewalk, staring at storefronts, 'I'm not that specialized. I have skills other than incinerating things. I can find poor, defenseless animals homes. I can also procrastinate. And flirt! I'm very good at flirting.'

The alchemist paused in his self flattering when he heard a particularly loud conversation originating from a rather decrepit pet shop.

"But I really need a dog."

"I'm sorry, Sir, but we sold our last animal this morning to a... muscular man wearing makeup."

"I don't think you understand; I need a dog. If I don't get one by 4:30, my commander will..."

"What seems to be the problem here?"

Both men whirled around when the suave voice interrupted them. A blond clad in a military uniform instantly snapped to attention, while a balding merchant merely salivated, staring eerily at the celebrity gracing his humble shop.

"Colonel Mustang, Sir! I didn't realize..."

"Why do you need a dog? And don't be all formal and stuff, Sergeant Brosh; we aren't at the headquarters."

The flustered Sergeant stuttered, obviously unused to speaking so casually with a superior officer.

"I... Well, you see... One of the tracking dogs from the canine unit kind of died while I was watching him, so I sort of have to get a new one and begin training by the end of the workday or, well... Anyways, all the pet shops are going out of business or don't have any dogs left or..."

"What type?"

"I... Well... Huh?"

"What breed of dog do you need?"

"Well, it doesn't really matter, as long as it's young. You see, we need a puppy so that..."

"Here."

Roy presented a golden lab to a baffled Denny, who unwittingly stared down into pathetic chocolate eyes. Unable to resist the age-old power of the puppydog eyes, he melted on the spot and accepted the dog.

His work done, the brunet continued on his rambling way.

Now he only had one cat and the rabbits to go.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

"Colonel Roy Mustang?"

Roy turned slowly, staring into the dark alley from whence the voice came. "Yeah?"

A large, hulking figure stepped out of the shadows. The hood of a large, tattered jacket obscured the man's face.

The brunet had a very bad feeling about this.

"Prepare to die!" the man bellowed, rushing forward, arm raised. The hood flew back, revealing a tan, scarred face.

Should have seen that coming.

Before the State Alchemist had a chance to react, the Ishvalan was upon him, hand outstretched, rushing towards his face...

When he stopped.

Palm a hairs width from his target, Scar screeched to a halt, staring in bewilderment at the contents of Roy's box.

"Are those... rabbits?"

"Yeah. What of if?"

Tinted glasses sliding further down his nose, crimson eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why are you carrying around four rabbits?"

"Three, actually. And a cat."

The mass murderer merely gave him a look.

"What? Is it illegal or something for a guy to carry around a box full of animals? Listen, can we postpone our fight? I kind of need to find these guys homes before the end of the day."

Scar was silent for a few moments, before nodding once. "Very well. But be warned: I will be returning for your life."

And in a whirl of off-white fabric, he was gone.

Staring at the now empty spot, head tilted slightly, Roy let out a sigh. "That guy needs some less cliché lines."

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

Roy stared at the sign in front of him. Blinking a few times, he focused on the contents of his box. After a few moments, he returned to staring at the sign. And then back to the animals. And back to the sign. And so on and so forth.

What an... interesting turn of events.

Sure it wasn't the most humane solution, but...

"Excuse me."

Turning, the colonel saw two blonds hesitantly approaching him through the crowded street.

"Sorry for bothering you, but, like, my friend and I noticed that you looked, like, lost, and we thought maybe we could, like... Ohmigod, bunnies!" Mustang gaped as they rushed forward and ogled at the aforementioned furballs. "They're sooooo cute! What are you, like, planning to do with them?"

"Actually, this restaurant is offering $50 for every rabbit you can supply. I think there's a shortage or..."

"NO!" the second blond shrieked, springing forward in her gusto. "You can't! Oh, you just can't!"

Frowning in agitation, Roy leaned discreetly away. Hadn't these people ever heard of person space?

The first, whom he had decided to call 'Blondie', nodded earnestly in agreement. "You can't do that! It's, like... like..."

"Non-humane-ish?" The second offered. The brunet's eye began to twitch. Okay, this one was going to be 'Bimbo'.

"Well, I can't think of anything better to do with them."

Blondie wracked her pea-sized brain for ideas, her face scrunching up to give her a sort of constipated look. Suddenly, Bimbo squealed, pale blue eyes lighting up.

"Why don't we each, like, take a bunny?"

Roy watched with a blank expression as Blondie squealed as well.

"That's, like, only the most awesomest idea, like, ever. We should so totally get matching bunnies!" The two began squealing in unison, hearts in their eyes as visions of fluffy, living accessories danced through their heads. But they suddenly stopped, turning to focus dark glares on the unfortunate colonel. "But we'll, like, only take them if you, like, promise not to sell the last one."

Shuddering slightly, he quickly pulled two white rabbits from the box and shoved them towards the two. "Here. Take them."

Bimbo's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Do you, like, promise not to sell the last cutie?"

"YES!"

Bimbo grinned widely. "Okay! Come on, let's go to the pet store! Hey, do you think they, like, sell pet fur dye? You know, so our bunnies can, like, match our outfits?"

"I don't know..."

Watching them skip off, the colonel was convinced he could feel his brain melting. How old were those two? They acted like twelve year olds! Not that either looked even close to that age. In fact, Roy was pretty sure Blondie had some grey mixed in with all that unnaturally blond hair of hers.

Wait... If it wasn't natural, what about the grey? Oh well, that was beside the point. The point was that Blondie's hair was too blond to be natural. Come on. Who really has hair the color of sun ripened wheat? Other than Fullmetal, that is. But that should go with saying. The shrimp was an exception to every rule. Mustang swore that not only had Edward made it his life's work to break every rule I the gigantic tome known as common sense, but to pulverize the book as well.

Roy's scowl deepened. Okay, so Breda was right; he did suck at creating metaphors. Not that this was of any concern to him. Creative writing skills weren't exactly a requirement when one was a dog of the military. But it was kind of aggravating.

"Mustang?" a very feminine voice managed to state blandly and incredulously at the same time.

"Don't shoot!" he shouted, springing into a defensive stance, cardboard box held in front like a shield.

"Um... Okay. Not that I was planning to, but..."

Wait.

the speaker was female, no doubt about that. But the voice wasn't as smooth as Hawkeye's. And it was a little sweeter. Yet it seemed kind of familiar... An old fling? Nah. Maybe...

Slowly lowering his only means of protection (for some stupid reason he'd left his gloves in his desk), Roy came face to face with an angry redhead.

"Hannah?"

"I always knew you were a womanizer, but this... This is just pathetic. My sister only broke up with you this morning and you're already flirting with a couple of dumb blonds?"

"'Dumb' is defiantly the right word," he muttered, fiddling with the flaps on his box.

"What did you just say?" the young woman snapped.

"Nothing! Nothing."

"Good, that's what I thought. That's another thing, you're always..."

Roy spaced out, switching his attention to the two dozing animals he was holding. Hmm... A rabbit and a kitten. What was he going to do with them? The rabbit shouldn't be hard to get rid of; they were incredibly popular for some reason. Of course, he could just sell it. So what if he'd promised not to? He'd only done it to get those two idiots to shut up and take the rabbits. Those two were incredibly anti 'non-humane-ism' idiots. But not that he thought about, Sheska was a humanitarian, too. And so was that other blond, the one Fullmetal ran around with... Winry! That was it: Winry.

Were all woman humanitarians? God he hoped they weren't. That would mean Riza...

Oh well, he'd worry about that later. But what about the kitten? He couldn't sell a cat off to a restaurant; people didn't eat cat!

Or at least not in Ametris they didn't. They might in Xing. Not that he would know; even if his mother was Xingese, she never was much of a cook.

The kitten began to stir, gold eyes blinking wearily. A small mouth stretched in a yawn, revealing tiny sharp teeth. Roy never had been much of a cat person, but this one was kind of... adorable. Especially with that one white paw on an otherwise entirely black body. It reminded him of a glove, like his spark cloth gloves... That was it! He'd name her...

"... And are you even listening to me? Look at me when I'm speaking! God, you're so aggravating. And why are you so obsessed with that box? Why do you even have a box? What's in it? I bet it's... Oh... um... Why are you carrying around a kitten and a rabbit?"

"I'm finding them homes," Mustang stated blandly, hoping to shut Hannah up. This girl could just go on and on and on. She was almost as bad as Lorain!

But not quite. Lorain was horrible; she didn't even pause to breath. And she had a kind of whiney voice, too. So all things considered, Hannah wasn't that bad. Actually, if you tuned out whatever it was she was yammering on about, she wasn't that bad to be around. She was kind of cute, too. Especially when she had that extremely guilty look on her face.

"I... um... I mean... I can't believe I... I only assumed... I didn't know..." she stammered, face beat red, staring at the ground in shame.

"What did you do?"

"I, um... I kind of told my sister to break up with you because you were a cold hearted bastard who only cared about sex and money... But I never would have said that if I knew you spent your spare time finding homes for abandoned animals..."

Roy burst out laughing, effectively cutting off Hannah's frantic apology. Yes! Not only had he stopped the angry tangent, but now she thought he was some kind of animal lover! Oh how he loved misconception. Hmm... Could he use this to his advantage?

"Is that all?" Roy asked, still chuckling. When Hannah began to sputter again, he cut her off once more. "Don't worry about it; I'm used to people having... negative opinions of me. But enough about me. How's law school?"

The redhead was caught off guard by this. "Great! It's going really well. I graduate next semester."

The colonel resisted the urge to grin. She'd taken the bait. "Really? Hey, why don't I buy you a drink? I'd love to hear about your courses."

Green eyes glanced down at the box hesitantly. "I don't know. I mean, you left a relationship with my sister... And if you need to find these guys homes..."

The military man brushed off her concern. "Don't worry about it. Just think of this as... old friends catching up. And the animals will be fine; we can just leave the box outside. They're both sleeping, so they won't wander off, and most people don't pick animals up off the streets."

"Well... Alright. But only one drink."

Roy's charming smile slowly morphed into a sadistic grin as he led his newest victim down the street.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

As Roy stepped out onto the street, whistling a happy tune, he fiddled with a slip of paper in his pocket. That had been a... successful half hour. Hannah no longer despised him, and he had her number. She wasn't exactly the type he usually went for, but he didn't have anything else planned for the weekend. Slipping inconspicuously into a small alley, Roy shoved aside a bin to retrieve the box he'd stashed behind it. Frowning slightly, dark eyes stared at the now empty spot.

This was... odd. Boxes don't usually get up and walk off by themselves. Which could only mean someone had moved it...

Hearing a faint mewing, the brunet whirled around to see a random box laying halfway down the alley. With a sigh of relief, he went to pick it up...

Only to discover that the box was considerably lighter than before. Glancing down, he immediately realized why: the rabbit was gone.

After staring into the container for a few minutes, Roy shrugged and exited the alley. Oh well; this just meant one less animal to deal with.

But the Flame Alchemist couldn't help but wonder what happened to the furry little nuisance. Who knows, maybe it had decided to run off and follow Scar...

Nah.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

Halfway across East City, Scar sneezed loudly and for no apparently reason. Ignoring the strange looks a pack of old ladies sent him, the hulking man turned to glower darkly at the furball continued to follow him persistently. He knew he shouldn't have messed with that box.

When he was seized by another violent fit of sneezes, his glare intensified. Why, oh why, did it have to be a rabbit? What sort of perverse humor did fate have that he was being stalked by the only thing in the world he was allergic to?

And what kind of warrior priest was he if he was allergic to the national dish?

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

"Mustang..."

"Don't shoot!" Roy (once again) shouted, using the kitten up as a shield. After a short pause, the man thought better of his actions and brought the feline away from his face...

Only to be met with the sight of a very angry Lieutenant.

"Shit, it really is you."

Her golden eyes narrowed. "Who else would it be?" When her commander failed to provide an answer, Riza shook her head and continued. "Colonel, why are you wandering around town with a stray cat?"

With a scowl, he hugged the kitten close. "I'm trying to find her a home... And Sparks isn't a stray," he mumbled, scratching behind tiny ears.

Riza, now standing beside the colonel, frowned at this. "Sparks?"

"Yup."

"You named it?"

"Sparks is not an it! She's a cute little kitty!"

"Colonel, where did you get that 'cute little kitty'?"

"...Edward wanted to throw it off the roof."

"And where did Edward get the cat?"

"... Alphonse."

"And where did Alphonse get it?"

"... The street."

"Which means it's a stray... Sir, have you spent all day trying to find that cat a home?"

"No, there were some rabbits and a few others, too."

"And... This 'Sparks' is the last of them?"

"Yup."

"I see... Come along Colonel. You have a lot of paperwork to do."

"What? No! I've still got to..."

"Colonel." Roy felt a barrel press against the back of his head.. "You're coming. Now. And you're bringing the cat."

Mustang stared blankly at his subordinate for a moment. "Huh?"

"You're keeping it, right?"

"What? You know I'm not a cat pers..." The brunet winced when he heard the familiar click of Riza releasing the safety.

"You are keeping it."

Roy gulped. "Alright! I'll keep it! Just put your god damn gun away already!"

Riza lowered the gun. "Deal."

"Great! Now, excuse me while I go and buy cat good!" The colonel marched Down the street swinging the cat in front of him, whispering the loving words of an overly obsessed pyro.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

So this lovely creation would be my latest brain child. It began as a blurb on Roy and rain, and kind of ran rampant from there. In fact, the plot didn't even come about until I decided I wanted to add "It was raining cats and dogs; literally." I really don't know why; I guess it just sounded cool. Well, a big 'Thank You' goes out to Emma and metallic-monkey101 for editing this for me.

Anywho, how do you like it? Is it wonderful? Hilarious? A piece of crap? Well, whatever you think, push that pretty little button on the bottom of the page and let me know!

--- Evil Clone Number 7