Summary: Olivia begins to take notice of Amanda's strange behaviour and slowly attempts to find out what the other woman is hiding from her. In doing so she endangers not only her own life but that of Amanda as well and the tensions between them begin to rise. Olivia is left to face the burden of running SVU, her feelings for Amanda and her spiralling relationship with Brian. Can she rebuild the broken pieces or is everything truly lost?
Pairing: Amanda/Olivia
Rating: T, for language and themes of a sexual nature
Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its associated characters.
Chapter 1
Olivia Benson was used to observing people. She was a detective, it was what she did. For over fifteen years she had studied all kinds of perps; paedophiles so clever she had to dig through layers of perversity to nail them. Rapists so arrogant that she had left an interrogation room many times in need of a shower. She studied people for a living, had learnt to understand what made them tick. Her years as a detective at the Special Victims Unit had shaped her, retuned her senses. She recognised evil where others didn't, even if it stared them in the face. She had learnt to see behind masks, through tears and arrogance and until this moment she had believed that she was good at what she did but right now, she wasn't so sure.
Through the blinds of her office, a place that still felt somewhat alien to her, Olivia looked into the squad room. It was a quarter to midnight on a Tuesday. She'd been here since seven in the morning and the stash of paperwork on her desk didn't seem to have shrunk no matter how many hours she put in. But it wasn't the paperwork Olivia was focused on right now. Her eyes were trained on a desk, the only one still lit, and the slender figure hunched over a cup of coffee and a pile of paperwork.
Blonde hair fell into Amanda Rollins' face. Dressed in a loose fitted white blouse and a pair of jeans, the younger woman seemed oblivious to the brown eyes watching her from across the room. She seemed so lost in her work that she had forgotten Olivia was still here and the longer Olivia watched her, the more she recognised herself.
She'd been working alongside Amanda for almost three years now. It had been tough at first. Accepting that Amanda had been brought in from Atlanta as Elliot's replacement had been difficult but Olivia had soon learnt to appreciate the younger detective's hard work. But hard work came with a price, especially in SVU, and Olivia had seen the demons that flickered behind Amanda's eyes. Finding out that she had a gambling addiction only confirmed this to her. Addictions rarely came alone. Demons always came with them.
She'd noticed that in the last few weeks Amanda had been acting different. She wasn't as focused and pulled longer days than anyone else in the squad. She had been late twice in the last week, and several times in the weeks before, but she had still delivered the same standard of work she always did. Whenever she tried to breach the subject, Amanda would shut down and experience had told Olivia not to push any further. So instead she watched from the side lines and waited until Amanda was ready to turn to her and talk. She knew there was a chance that moment would never come but she had to try.
Olivia tore her eyes away from Amanda and glanced back at the files on her desk. They'd still be there in the morning. She crossed the room, switched off the light on her desk after picking up her coat and her purse, and stepped out of the office. The soft click as the door fell into its lock was enough to rouse Amanda from her work and weary blue eyes snapped up.
"Hey," she said when she saw Olivia. She tried to smile but it barely reached her eyes. "I'd forgotten you were still here."
Olivia crossed the squad room, her dark eyes once again fixed on Amanda. "Why don't you go home?" she asked softly. The tone of her voice showed her caring side. "You've been here all day."
"I just want to finish this up and them I'm outta here."
Olivia glanced down at the paperwork. "Those DD5's can wait till the morning, Amanda." For a brief moment their eyes found each other. "Go home." There was a pause as she waited to see if the blonde would move on her own. Amanda didn't show any signs of finishing and Olivia heaved a sigh. "That's an order."
The faint echo of resentment couldn't be missed as Amanda reluctantly closed her file and pushed her chair back. "Yes, boss."
For a moment the lamp on her desk lit up the blonde's features and Olivia saw the dark rings around her eyes. Amanda looked pale, she noticed, and her hair had been bound back in a messy ponytail ever since arriving that morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she hadn't slept for two days.
"Hey, is everything ok?" Olivia asked. She watched as Amanda put on her black leather jacket.
Amanda didn't make eye contact, choosing to stare at the floor instead. She felt Olivia's piercing stare. "Yeah." She adjusted her jacket and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Just a couple of bad nights' sleep, that's all."
"I'll walk you out," Olivia said once Amanda had switched off her desk light.
They left the squad room in silence and walked to the elevator together. Olivia pressed the button for the lobby and leant against the wall. Amanda pushed her hands into her pocket and when the elevator doors opened she quickly stepped inside. When she turned around her eyes briefly met Olivia's as the older woman stepped in too.
"I'll be glad to get into bed," Olivia groaned. She rubbed her eyes. Tiredness was a common feeling in her life these days. She'd gotten used to it.
Amanda didn't answer immediately, staring at the elevator wall instead. She was aware of Olivia standing beside her but did her best to ignore her. She wasn't in the mood to deal with prying questions or looks of concern. All she wanted was to get out of the station and disappear into the night. New York City was the perfect city to vanish into the shadows.
"Is Brian home tonight?" Amanda forced the sentence out of her mouth in an attempt to make conversation. She shot Olivia a sideways glance.
"Pulling another double," Olivia answered. The hint of sadness in her voice was impossible to miss and Amanda raised an eyebrow in question. "I guess I have the bed to myself yet again."
The elevator doors slid open and the two women stepped out into the lobby. The uniformed officer behind the desk wished them goodnight and Olivia held the door for Amanda as they stepped outside into the night. The wind was cold and robbed Olivia of her breath. She swallowed hard and turned on her heel to look at Amanda. She knew the blonde would have to go the other way to catch the subway home.
"I'll see you in the morning," she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
"Yeah." Amanda fumbled with her cell phone. "See ya."
Olivia watched Amanda walk away until she disappeared around the corner. She then turned around and crossed the road into the direction of the nearest subway station. The streets were quiet, much to her delight. When she reached the platform, the train had just rolled in and Olivia found herself a seat in the almost empty compartment.
The journey home took about twenty minutes and the walk from the subway station to the apartment she shared with Brian took another ten. By the time she stuck the key into the lock and heard it click, Olivia was desperate to just get into bed. Her body ached, her mind was tired and when she stepped into he apartment she dropped her keys into the bowl on the side table, kicked off her boots and dropped her purse on the breakfast bar.
She didn't bother switching on the lights and found her way to the bedroom in the dark. She unbuttoned her shirt, unzipped her pants and found her favourite Jets shirt she liked to sleep in. She left her clothes in a pile on the floor, circled the bed and pulled back the sheets. She climbed in and released her breath when her head hit the pillow.
Olivia instinctively rolled onto her side and was confronted with the other side of the bed being empty. It was a regular thing these days. Brian was hardly ever home. Tucker had him working all hours of the day and Brian accepted all of it. She couldn't blame him for wanting to get back into Tucker's good books but at the same time she resented him for working for IA. Not a single cop in the city trusted IA. Working for IA meant becoming a pariah.
She lay awake for a while, playing the events from the day before her eyes. They'd caught an open and shut sexual assault in Central Park and Rollins and Fin had nailed the perp in just under an hour. The rest of the day had been quiet and she'd instructed them to complete their paperwork. Nick and Fin left at the first available opportunity but Amanda had stuck around. Olivia's teeth worried her bottom lip when the thoughts of the blonde detective filled her head and she let out a frustrated groan before kicking the sheets away. She rolled onto her stomach and desperately wished to fall asleep.
~()~
When Olivia walked into the squad room the next morning, it was a little after seven. She didn't feel as refreshed as she would have liked but she had some decent sleep. The empty bed was something she'd gotten used to and Brian had texted her just as she got on the subway to work saying he was on his way home. They were once again like ships in the night.
Olivia pushed against the double doors leading to the SVU squad room. The lights were on but most of the desks were still empty. Her eyes instinctively drifted across the room and came to a rest on one particular desk. It had become a morning habit. The desk was still empty but she turned around when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her and watched as Amanda walked in.
Dressed in a pair of simple black slacks and a red sweater she looked both casual and smart. Her hair fell loosely down her shoulders but Olivia's attention was drawn to the sunglasses that obscured a large part of Amanda's face. She clutched a Starbucks cup and from the way she clung to the styrofoam, Olivia guessed the coffee was her lifeline this morning.
"Amanda, it's November and seven in the morning. It's dark outside. Why are you wearing sunglasses?"
Amanda removed the glasses the moment the words left Olivia's mouth and threw them on her desk. The sound of the plastic hitting the surface echoed through the quiet squad room. She shrugged herself out of her jacket and tossed it onto the back of her chair.
"Amanda?" Olivia called the other woman's name when she didn't get a response and Amanda slowly turned around.
"Long night," she groaned.
Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly as she studied the blonde. Amanda looked tired. The rings around her eyes were even darker than the night before and her eyes were still blood shot. She took a step in the Georgian detective's direction but was careful not to invade her personal space.
"Did you even sleep?"
Amanda didn't look at her. "A couple hours."
"Amanda..."
"Don't, ok?" Amanda looked up and blazing blue eyes met brown. This sudden anger took Olivia by surprise. "I can handle it."
Olivia hesitated. "Why don't you go grab a couple of hours in the cribs? Fin can work with Amaro this morning."
"I'm fine!" Amanda insisted and grabbed the files she had left the previous night. "I just want to move on, ok?"
Olivia didn't say anything else and turned away from the blonde's desk. She walked into her office, leaving the door open in her wake. Just like any other morning she let her eyes drift around the small space and wondered to herself what she could do with it. Cragen had asked her to "do something with the place" but she didn't know what. She didn't like change, even if she knew deep down that change was good. There had been too many changes already and she wasn't ready for any more.
She'd barely hung her coat on the back of the door or the phone on her desk rang. She leant over, answered it and with the horn in her hand turned back around to look into the squad room. Amanda once again sat hunched over her desk and Olivia had to mentally chastise herself to focus on the message the caller was giving her instead of the younger detective.
When she hung up she took her coat, walked back into the squad room and up to Amanda's desk.
"Grab your coat."
"Where're we goin'?" Amanda asked in surprise when she looked up and saw the brunette standing next to her.
"Bellevue. One of the nurses has reported a suspected case of child abuse. Six year old girl."
Amanda stood up and took her jacket from the back of her chair. She turned back to Olivia and arched an eyebrow as she realised that the older woman was coming with her. "I can manage this, you know."
Olivia smiled. The phone call was an opportunity to get out of the occasionally claustrophobic feeling office. Taking over from Cragen meant she didn't get to go out as much into the field like she had done and she missed the feeling. "I know," she answered whilst tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "But I don't feel like staying in."
Amanda didn't answer and the two detectives left the squad room and walked towards the elevator. Olivia was momentarily taken back to the previous night when they had left together and her mind drifted off to the thoughts that had crossed her mind in the seconds before she fell asleep. A faint smile spread across her lips as the elevators doors opened and they stepped in. Just as the doors began to close, Amanda's phone bleeped and she fished it out of her pocket.
Olivia noticed the frown appearing on the blonde's forehead as she checked her phone. "Everything allright?"
"Yeah," Amanda hastily applied as she slipped her phone back in her pocket and bright blue eyes looked up. She flashed a nervous smile and seemed a little taken aback by the question. "Everything's fine."
"You sure?" Olivia asked, not having missed how Amanda had attempted to shield her phone from her. She cocked her head. She knew she was about to cross a line but she couldn't stop herself. "You seem a little rattled."
"I'm fine, Liv," Amanda insisted and shuddered as she felt her phone vibrate again in her pocket. "It's just a friend."
The two women stepped out into the lobby and were greeted by a familiar voice. Fin walked into the building carrying a box of donuts and a coffee and Amanda quickly caught up with her partner, pulled the lid of the box and picked out her favourite donut. Her desire to give up on eating them had been squashed in her first weeks working at SVU.
"Where're you going?" Fin wanted to know.
"Bellevue," Olivia answered. "Possible sexual abuse case."
Fin gave his new boss the once over. "Want me to cover?"
"Thanks but I think I'd just like to get out from between these walls," Olivia answered and her eyes snapped from Fin to Amanda, who was already at the door, the half-eaten donut in her hand. She looked back at the male detective and smiled. "I'll call you."
She followed Amanda out of the building and into the crisp morning air. Before she had a chance to blink the blonde threw the car keys at her and Olivia resigned to the fact she would be the one braving the morning rush hour across town. She climbed into the driver's seat of the unmarked black sedan and waited until Amanda had buckled up before reversing out of the parking space.
"What do we know?" Amanda asked as Olivia headed into the direction of Bellevue.
Olivia didn't take her eyes of the road. "Six year old girl. Nurse reported unexplained bruising on her arms and legs and the girl didn't want her to check behind her underwear. The girl's mother appears agitated and cannot provide an explanation for the bruises."
Amanda rested her head against the window. She had a pounding headache and the thought of dealing with the possible sexual abuse of a small child made her stomach turn. Her eyes fluttered shut. She was tired. Sleep wasn't something that was part of her life at the moment and the balance between work and her personal life was difficult to keep. She couldn't remember the last time she had actually slept in her own bed instead of crashing on the couch for a couple of hours.
Olivia shot Amanda a sideways glance and noticed the way the blonde's features relaxed a little now that her head rested against the glass. She was worried about her. She'd seen her behaviour change in recent weeks. Amanda had become more withdrawn, almost secretive. She kept her phone out of sight, often disappeared to make calls and often arrived late for work in the morning. She knew Amanda was hiding something but she also knew better than to ask her about it. In that way, Amanda was just like herself.
"Hey," she said quietly and Amanda's eyes lazily opened. Olivia's heart did an unexpected flip as she watched the shade of blue appear. It was something she could get used to, something she wanted to see more often those deep, intense eyes slowly opening. She felt her cheeks redden and quickly looked back at the slow moving traffic in front.
"You sure you're allright?"
"Yeah." Amanda looked away. "I'm good."
And in that moment Olivia knew she lied.
