totally random slice of life. also dont know if these guys are alive or not (they are!)
are captain kuchiki and lieutenant kurosaki screwing?
by appleschan
Some shinigami vandalized a question on the back wall of the training hall of the thirteenth division using a glow-in-the-dark, electric blue marker - true to the fashion of philosophical toilet thoughts: are Captain Kuchiki and Lieutenant Kurosaki fucking, like, for real? like, how?
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"Non-issue," dismisses Yumichika Ayasegawa, fanning himself, visibly miffed and leaning against the bar counter, and one who thinks the writing on the wall is an unnecessary, sacrilegious smudge to the beautiful paintworks and restorative wood panelings of the 13th Division training halls and gardens - is the bigger issue compared to the heads of the 13th fucking and breaking some obscure code of conduct (almost nobody pays attention to the code anyway). And after all, aren't Kuchiki and Kurosaki - rolls eyes - a very common knowledge? "no - not ever-"
"- yeah, obviously for the first one, totally," agrees Ikkaku Madarame, beside Yumichika, both out for nabe during lunch and already had four bottles of lunch-specific sake each, approaching Matsumoto's record of five.
Ikakku thinks, of course, that the issue is the literal size, "as for the second one, do we know for sure Ichigo ain't keeping a tiny dong? well if it's tiny, too bad for him, but Captain Kuchiki - the girl, mind you - should be fine. But if it's a big-ass dick - well, Captain Kuchiki's been on some tough missions - thrown and stabbed and grappled around, you know, I'm sure she can handle some rough reaming. I don't know the point of this vandalism, it's pretty fuckin' obvious."
"Ugh, can you be less vulgar, please? Ikakku? It's not-"
"-don't say it!"
"-pretty," concludes Yumichika nonetheless, then, "I should file a proper report to Captain Kuchiki, or I'll scrub that wall spotless myself and ask for a room in the 13th."
The 11th Division barracks is the closest to the 13th's grounds. The 11th is some dry, sandy 80-percent training grounds that run on testosterone and high on the smell of sour sweat and dead trees and dry blood and grilled meat, compared to the traditional, spacious concrete and wooden houses of the 13th and its sunny, airy, lush gardens which have anti-tuberculosis properties.
The men of the 11th have their share of man-gossipping sometimes. The lifted wartime order allowed for respite, for as many idle days.
The sun is high around lunch, and the tavern takes to becoming more oven-like, and the sake is warmer than usual, but Ikakku is not ready to let go, "- but what if the question is asking about the other Captain Kuchiki? Hmn, makes more sense, yeah?"
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Co-lieutenant of the 1st Division, Nanao Ise, is not sure if she is to feel pity for the new heads of the 13th, the experienced Captain Kuchiki Rukia, and her reasonably-experienced, newly-inducted (unanimously-voted, of course) lieutenant and Sereitei's new resident, Kurosaki Ichigo, there are a lot of indecent rumors up on these two.
She understood the kind of pull they have, humans wrote similar stories, something about defying fate and impossibility, conquering life and death and uniting - and they never made anything public. So naturally, when Kurosaki came to live in the 13th, the rumor mill started to churn and she's received numerous requests to feature those two in the gossip column of the Shinigami Women's Association (SWA) magazine to get them to admit their hot and heavy, teacher-student, human-death god torrid relationship which broke every possible barrier and set up a multi-pronged, fiery class scandal in the afterlife.
Nanao's given an order, of course - no. She can't have the other Captain Kuchiki marching up in her office.
"We will report on the progress of the Eastern tower repair, as well as the restoration of the waste collection and disposal systems, I want to make sure all units are ready to report on the day of these buildings' reopening - we cannot further delay Sereitei's core system recalibration. Also, publish all the new forms - mission summary forms, leave forms, I want everybody to familiarize themselves with the new forms," she instructs all her dead-eyed reporters like she's taken their souls. She discards images of the vandalized wall on the 13th and accounts of anonymous sources which contain the words 'rough reaming' and 'beats his meat' and 'squirts like a geiser' into the bin.
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"Rukia, I can, like - you know," Ichigo suggests, holding a basket over his head and rushing to where Rukia is picking and dropping fresh cherries, "getsuga tenshou all these tree branches to make it easier - really, I can -"
Cherry trees could get high, with Rukia's height - impossible, Ichigo thinks surly.
There are now 2 baskets filled with cherries, and there are 5 more trees to go. She's agile enough to hop from one branch to another without breaking eye contact with him, "no, you will not."
"Why not?!"
"You getsuga tenshou-ed everything enough already," Rukia tells him knowingly, she wears no captain haori today, instead, an out-of-season printed yukata, icy snowflakes on an airy, blue summer day - but the way her hair is very black and longer and loosely-tied and there is some half-smirk, half-smile on her face, it could have been hanami in spring. She is barefoot on the trees, and Ichigo carries her sandals, along with the baskets.
"And besides, Ukitake-san planted all these," she shrugs.
Balancing herself well on the branch, she points to something not quite far. Ichigo follows her finger - she points to some cleanly leveled boulder.
"See that boulder? You cleaved that in half," she shouts from the tree-branch, then, "you also cleaved the sokyoku in half!"
"I- wait," outraged, Ichigo frowns at her, "those are circumstantial-!"
"And-" but interrupts Rukia, seriously, "you also almost cleaved my brother in half, I think he is still mad about it."
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Sone rogue SWA reporter is interviewing Renji - who's in a bad, markedly recognizable incognito.
"What are they like when alone together? A credible source said they have a thing for rough reaming? Can you confirm?"
"What? No! They are the most boring shinigami I know, they fumigate their garden, they co-op when doing dishes and they air their laundry clothes every Fridays. What the fuck."
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(they do, in fact, hang and air their laundry every Friday afternoons, then come back to collect the lot on Saturday mid-afternoons and by evening, everything is tucked away and folded and faintly smelled of cedar and jasmine)
