Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they're Dick Wolf's, not mine. Wish they were . . . a girl can dream, can't she?
Spoilers for Loss and Undercover. Possible spoilers for Ghost. A/O Enjoy the story!
"Help me! Help me!" I scream, no longer the tough cop I've been for the last nine years. My dignity is gone and I'm just another victim.
He smacks me hard across the face and I clutch my burning cheek. He grabs me and pushes me against the door. I crumple to the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks, "Shut up!" he yells at me and I flinch, but I'm hysterical.
"No! No! Let go of me!" I scream desperately.
He pulls down his pants and gives me an arrogant smirk, knowing that he's won this round. "Bite me," he growls, "and you're dead."
Then the memory changes. Instead of Harris' face flashing through my mind, there's Alex, laying on the ground, her arm seeping blood as I kneel down in front of her, frantically trying to revive her. "Alex, it's okay, Alex. Alex, look at me. It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex. They're coming right now. You're gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay."
But she's gone and I know it . . .
I wake up drenched in a cold sweat, breathing hard. "Alex," I murmur, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it to my chest, pretending it's her. "Alex, Alex, Alex. Oh, Alex."
The tears run down my cheeks even as I try to hold them back. It's the same two nightmares every single night, one of my former girlfriend getting shot – almost killed – and the other of me being assaulted – almost raped. I can never rid these two traumatic experiences from my subconscious, much as I try to banish them while I'm awake. Even though I haven't seen Alex in three years, and maybe I've accepted that she's never coming back, I miss her still. More than anything, I miss her, the one who stole my heart with her wire framed glasses and icy blue eyes, with her five dollar words and platinum blonde hair, not one strand out of place, with her determination and passion to get justice for the victims however she can.
I remember the night before she left. It's as clear as day even now, four years later. We'd seen Agent Donovan get blown to smithereens by a car bomb, and much as my strong, independent Alex tried to pretend she wasn't downright terrified, the ice queen couldn't quite mask her fear. To save her some face, I invited her to spend the night with me at my apartment. This was partly for comfort and partly for her safety. They knew where she lived and she might have been the next casualty. She almost was.
Alex gratefully accepted the invitation and came back to my apartment. We'd spent the night together before, but these were the absolute worst possible circumstance. We climbed into bed together in silence, the explosion still ringing in our ears. She rolled onto her right side so she was facing away from me and pretended to be asleep, but I could see her shoulders shaking and I knew that she was crying. But I also knew that she didn't want any comfort right now. She needed some time to sort out her own thoughts and I gave it to her.
I lay in bed that whole night without sleeping at all. I was staying awake for Alex, just so I'd be there if she needed me, as I knew she would. Around 2:30 in the morning, I'd started to drift off, but my eyes snapped open at the sound of a tortured cry from beside me. Alex was thrashing around, her arms flailing wildly as tears streaked down her face and she sobbed as if her heart was breaking.
I gently shook her awake. "Alex, Alex," I whispered, and as her eyes flew open, I took her into my arms and gently stroked her hair. "Alex, it's okay. It's just me. It's Olivia. I'm here. You're safe."
I felt her tense body start to relax and gently massaged the muscles in her back. "Olivia?" she murmured sleepily.
"Yeah, honey. I'm here. You're okay."
She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. The only time I've ever seen my Alex vulnerable.
Review if you want chapter two!
