If I Die Young

A/N Set in CA:FA, Captain America's confidence can falter like any normal man.

The night watch exchanged guard, which would be about three AM, Steve figured as he listened to their boots crunching over the frosty ground. The cold November weather seeped into his canvas and wool bed like an icy snake despite his super soldier metabolism. Sleep was an elusive lover always beckoning but never coming to him.

"Bucky?" he barely whispered into the still night trying to wake anyone else nearby. Canvas duck was hardly sound proof. How many men did he hear crying in the night after a terrible battle? Was this what Dr. Erskine meant when he asked Rogers if he wanted to "kill Nazis" knowing the full power of war and what it does to men?

"Yeah?" came the sleepy yet hushed whisper of his best friend. Barnes had always been a light sleeper as he liked to blame Steve because of the nights he spent watching over Rogers' sick bed as a kid.

"Buck…. "Steve inhaled the cold air feeling his chest muscles tighten against the chill, "If I … don't make it through this war, do me a favor, would ya?"

Barnes rolled up on an elbow facing Steve hissing, "Wait a minute, what are you talking about?" Rogers could feel the piercing look Bucky was giving him through the thick blackness. His feeling of insecurity weighed heavily in his gut but his limbs were buzzing like bees as if he could outrun or outfight his fatalistic thoughts.

Cap rolled toward Barnes, "I… I dunno. I just have this feeling that things aren't going to go my way."

"C'mon Steve. You're a… god practically. Gods don't die." James joked keeping his voice quiet.

"Tell that to Osiris." Steve swallowed.

"Don't get all egg headed on me, punk." Bucky replied, "You and all them books."

Steve frowned in the dark, "You're not stupid either, Bucky."

"That's not what you said in New York when I left." Steve heard the smile in his voice. "Now what nonsense are you talking about? Are you shell shocked or somethin'?"

Steve rolled over on his back staring at the roof seam of the tent that he could barely make out in the gloom, "I just feel like I'm not going to make it home."

"Aww. Nonsen-" Barnes began but Steve suddenly reached out in the dark, putting a firm hand on Bucky's arm. James froze, words hanging in his mouth.

"Just listen to me for a goddammed moment would ya?" Steve's tone was low and fierce but also very scared.

Silence settled between them and when Rogers felt he had Bucky's full attention, he withdrew his grip and rolled again onto his back, "I dunno why I feel this way but I think after rescuin' you and the 107th, I just feel…" The words turned to ash in his mouth as if he didn't want to admit that he was terrified. Swallowing the cotton down, he continued in a gush, "Tell Peggy I love her. Make sure she gets home ok. I want you to get home ok too. Start a big ol' family and be happy. I want you to get all my stuff. Well, it's all at your place anyway, but make sure you get my sketchbook. Make sure mamma's and papa's graves have flowers on them when you can. Think of me… when I'm gone. And keep fightin' the bullies."

The weight in his chest released and the rest of his breath escaped as a sigh and a cloud of condensation.

James listened to Steve's breathing even out. For a moment Barnes thought he was asleep but he could still feel Cap's restless energy. "That was very moving." Bucky began, "But I bet my ass you and I are going to make it through this hell together," James reached out to grasp Roger's shoulder firmly in the blackness, "And when we do, you and Peggy can get married, have ten kids as long as you name one after me." James heard a snort of amusement from Steve, "And we'll go out on the town raisin' hell like we always do, put those bullies to shame and be the war heroes we know we are."

More silence filled the void as Bucky kept his grip on Steve's shoulder. Rogers reached up and patted Barnes's hand as if to reassure himself more than Bucky. James let go and rolled over, "Now will you get to sleep?"

"Ok, jerk." Steve pulled the rough wool blanket up feeling the coarse fibers scrape his chin.

"Goodnight, punk." Barnes yawned and was quickly asleep again.

Steve closed his eyes grateful for friends like Bucky and drifting off into dreams of bright blue skies and ice.