{ Dont come here expecting a well written, deep plotted, powerful, romantic fanfiction. This is not any of those. This is a crackfic. Yes, it will contain major OCCness. Yes, it will be random. Yes, it will have profanity and sexual content. Yes, it will contain slash. No, it will not be explicit. This is meant to be funny. Nothing more and nothing less. If you can't handle that then please do not read this fanfiction. For everyone else, enjoy. ;3

SPOLIER WARNING;

Contains spoilers up to the last episode.


'Oh my god, I love baseball. Just watching the ball fly across the field gets me hot..' Yuuri thought to himself. 'Watching someone make a home run gets me so hard...' Before Yuuri could stop himself, he found his hand traveling down towards his crotch.

"Yuuri!" The door to the bedroom slammed open and Wolfram stormed in.

Yuuri gasped and pulled his hand up from his pajama bottoms. He threw the television, which Annissina had created and appropriately labeled "Reason-Why-America-Is-Fat-Not-Including-McDonalds-kun", off the bed.

"We're having a wedding!" Wolfram, who always sounded mad due to a psychological disorder given to him at birth due to his mother's unrestricted sexual habits--and now I'm starting to wonder why anger is linked to having a slutty mother--growled.

"Waa? I'm not gay, though," Yuuri insisted. "I know that we're engaged, that we sleep in the same bed, that we have an adopted daughter, and that every single guy in this show is gay for me, but I'm seriously straight!"

"Yuuri, Big Shimaron is planning on attacking us. Again. For the 23rd time this week."

"The bitches."

"Yes, but if you marry me, they decided they will call off the war."

"Really!" Yuuri shouted excitedly. "That's great! See? Violence solves nothing! We can all be happy and friendly and it will definitely bring world peace! Yay love! Let's hug some trees, Wolfram!"

"Oh, I was lying about the whole thing," Wolfram said quickly, fretting the hugging of trees.

Yuuri started at him.

"...SEIBAI!" He shouted dramatically, thrusting an open fist towards the blond.

Wolfram flew across the room, through the open doors and landed smack into the wall.

Yuuri gasped.

Conrad happened to be walking by and he noticed the scene. Standing in the doorway, he turned to Yuuri.

"Heika.....he deserved it."

&&&

Meanwhile, Ken was having some issues at the temple.

"But...it's been so long," Ulrike pleaded.

"I'm sorry, I can't," Ken replied nicely.

"I never get sex, though. I've been down here for over 800 years...! Do you know what I've had to do to satisfy my sexual needs?"

"...I don't know if I want to find out."

"It's because of him, isn't it?" Ulrike pressed.

Ken narrowed his eyes. "Don't drag him into this--"

"Geika, Shinou's been dead for over 3000 years. It's time for you to move on!"

"He's still here and you kno-"

"Move the hell on!!"

"Ulrike, did you just yell at me?" Ken blinked.

"Ulrike has been bad..." The small girl thing looked down. "Ulrike must punish herself..."

"That's right, you silly bitch!" Shinou said, appearing behind Ulrike.

Ulrike gasped. "Forgive me!!"

Ken rolled his eyes and smiled, "So immature, ShiShi-chan. So immature."

&&&

Gunter ran into Gwendle's office.

"Gwendle! Have you seen---" He stopped in the doorway, gazing at the horrific sight. Gwendle was knitting again, and this time, the room was filled with freaky, half animal-half demon knitted creation things.

Gwendle looked up from his current project, eyes menacing.

"Don't tell anyone. If you do I will tell my mother to give you AIDS."

"Ahaha...Of course I wo-"

"Don't you dare tell."

"...I won't."

Gwendle held out an animal with a lopsided eye and a tail that looked much like a garden hose. "Pet it."

Gunter nervously walked over to the desk. He looked at the frightening creature. "What's this one? A platypus?"

"...Cat."

"Ah! I was close..!"

"Pet it."

Gunter nervously stroked the cat, if anyone could call it that. "Very soft! Excellent work, Gwendle!" He lied.

Then a loud purring was heard.

Gunter gasped. "It purrs?"

Gwendle looked him dead in the eyes. "That wasn't the cat."

"..." Gunter was at a loss for words. "I-I'll be off, looking for Heika, now!" And he ran out of the room as fast as he could.

...

...

...

"Meow."

&&&

Later that afternoon, Wolfram convinced Yuuri to take him to Earth, so Wolfram could buy a wedding dress.

They were currently the dress store.

"Yuuri, which one should I get?"

Yuuri thought for a moment. "A white one. With red stitches along the sides."

"That's hideous!"

"I thought you'd look kind of hot in it."

Wolfram blinked. "...Someone get me that damn dress."

A gay employee frantically hopped about the store in aims to find Wolfram the dress of Yuuri's sexual, baseball fantasies.

Just then, a little girl stood by Wolfram. "You're gay, teeheehee!" She then ran off.

"The fiend!" Wolfram growled, preparing to char the girl.

"Wolfram! You can't punish her for telling the truth!"

"What is this 'gay' she spoke of?"

Yuuri couldn't believe what he was hearing. "...Gay. You know, homo? The thing that I totally am not?"

"No."

"Well, you're it, in any case. If 'gay-and-overly-obsessive-fiancée' was a word in the dictionary, your picture would be right beside it."

"Hmph!" Wolfram folded his arms. "I still have no idea what you're talking about."

"Means you like guys! What do they call that in Shin Makoku?"

"Nothing! That's a normal thing so it doesn't need a special name."

"...I should have known."

&&&

Yuuri had no luck at the dress shop. They couldn't find the baseball dress so Wolfram picked a dress made of pink and frills and flowers; something probably too gay for even Sara.

Feeling frustrated, Yuuri played a hot, intense game of catch with Conrad, then they both took a bath.

In the bath...

"Conrad, I want to ask you something."

"Yes, Heika?"

"You're half human and half Mazoku, aren't you?"

"That's right."

"Well, Murata is too, but you dont have powers and he does?"

"He can't do shit."

"He can't? But he's the Great Sage." Yuuri was perplexed.

"He is, but he can't do shit."

Yuuri looked down. "Hmm...so what's he good for, then?"

"Well, he f**ks Shinou's spirit."

"What!" Yuuri jumped up, exposing his small man junk.

"Oh, I've said too much. You probably didn't want to know that."

"Ahaha..." Yuuri laughed nervously. Conrad was only half right about the latter. "But I'm seriously surprised at Murata. He's the Great Sage. He should be able to break necks with his mind or something."

"Apparently Shinou only finds him suitable for sexual activities."

"That's...not right."

"Well, if It makes you feel any better, the Great Sage knows everything."

Yuuri blinked. "Everything?"

"Yes. Everything Shinou knows, he learned from the Great Sage."

"When you say, 'everything Shinou knows, he learned from the Great Sage,' you don't mean...tricks in bed, do you?"

Conrad stared at Yuuri for a moment.

"...maybe you should talk to them about that."

&&&

Gunter was still scarred by Gwendle's earlier threat. The last thing Gunter wanted was an STD. What would Yuuri think if he were to find out?

As Gunter walked the halls, still in search of Yuuri, he saw Cheri walking past.

If it had been the first time you'd seen her, you'd wonder way she was carrying around two giant melons on her chest. Gunter knew better.

She stopped. "Gunter, have you seen Gwen anywhere?"

Gunter gasped. "H-he's in his office. When you see him, tell him that you don't know anything."

Cheri blinked. "That...I don't know anything?"

"Ah! It might already be too late! Heika! Heika!" Gunter cried, feeling the urge to shout Yuuri's name when in a panic, running off.

Cheri laughed. "I want Gunter's babies."

&&&

"What were you doing in that bath with my older brother?!" Wolfram followed Yuuri down the hall.

"Talking about Murata."

Wolfram gasped. "You get naked with my brother and then you two talk about another man?!"

Yuuri was chased into the bedroom before he spoke. "We were hot after playing baseball!"

This only made things worse. "So playing baseball with an older man gets you hot, is that it?"

Yuuri blushed. "N-no...!"

Wolfram chased him to the bed.

"Adulterous leech!" He cried, tackling Yuuri to the mattress.

Yuuri screamed, "Sexual assault!"

Wolfram grabbed a pillow and started to violently pound his fiancée with it.

"Heika! Heika!" Gunter, who was know running towards the couple's bedroom, was not heard over Yuuri's cries.

"Oh! Wolfram! Stop it! Aahh! It's hurting me!"

"I'll do it harder, then!!"

Gunter over heard, and he froze. 'I-it couldn't be...Heika is giving himself away to someone other than me...?'

That was the start of Gunter's mental breakdown. "HEEEEEIKAAAA." He cried, now running, at full speed, down the long hallway.

"Gunter?" Yuuri looked over to the door and saw Gunter run passed, a stream of tears and angst following.

"G-Gunter!" Yuuri cried. He shot up, which caused his head to crash into Wolfram's.

"F**k!" They both cried before falling unconscious.

&&&

"I know nothing."

Those had been the only words Gwendle needed to hear from his mother. He knew Gunter would slip up. He knew it. He should have castrated him while he had the chance.

He had planned to ask his mother to seduce Gunter and then infect him with an STD, but he then realized Gunter was too gay to be seduced by a woman, even one with triple D's.

So he needed to come up with another plan. His new plan was to somehow get Annissina to use Gunter in a some crazy-ass experiment and hopefully kill him.

He was scouting the castle grounds when he saw, outside, Gunter, hanging from a tree...by a rope.

"Son of a bitch." Gwendle walked, for he never ran, over to the limp body.

It swayed in the light breeze, but it didn't do anything else.

Gwendle was horrified. Gunter was a little unstable at times, but to go this far?!

"Aaaah...." The body said.

Gwendle's eyes would have widened, had they not been permanently stuck in the same position since he was first born.

Yes. His face came out looking as it currently does. Wrinkles included.

"Gunter, what the hell is this?" Gwendle's voice was of it's usual 'I will cut you' tone.

"H-Heik-ka...v-virgin-ity....g-gone..."

Gwendle used a sword to cut the rope, and Gunter fell to the ground with a thud.

"Gunter, you're 327 and you just recently lost your virginity?"

"No!" The poor, although virgin, man cried. "Heika lost it!! Heeeikaaa!"

"...to who?"

"Your brother!"

"Conrad, you sly bastard..."

"The other one!"

"Well, dayum."

Gunter started sobbing. "It was rough!"

Although Gunter hadn't even seen anything, as soon as he heard Yuuri's supposed cries of pleasure, he had started imagining hot, erotic Yuuram sex that could out-gay the fantasies of any fangirl.

"Who was on top?"

"W-wolfram..."

"You're shitting me."

&&&

"Come in," Gwendle said, hiding the last of his mutated, knit animals, once he was back in his office.

"Hiii, Gwendle~!" Greta sang as she walked in through the door.

Gwendle blushed. "Hello, Greta."

"I saw you talking to Gunter today and you looked sad!"

"My face always looks like this."

"Aww! Does Gwendle need a hug?"

"...Yes."

"Teeheehee~" Gretta jumped on him.

Gwendle's face turned crimson. "Greta, shut the door. I have something nice to show you."

Greta smiled. "Oh! You mean Mr. Wormy? The one that's on your lap all the time? He's so fun!!"

"It's not a worm....It's a rooster."

&&&

When Yuuri's eyes opened, he was looking up at Ken and Conrad.

"Shibuya, I knew you were into some pretty weird shit, but this?"

"Murata, what are you talking...?" Yuuri sat up.

He was wearing a dress.

"How did this get on? Did Gunter dress me in girl clothes while I was sleeping again?!"

Next to him, Wolfram had only just woken as well, and was also wearing a dress, and it wasn't the baseball dress.

"What a bitch."

"Eh? Yuuri, did you say something?" Wolfram asked.

"Murata, what happened?" Yuuri asked, ignoring Wolfram.

"Rumors has it that you two dressed in drag, engaged in physical intimacy on your bed, re-dressed yourselves in drag and then passed out."

Yuuri couldn't believe this. "No, no, no! I didn't pass out like this!"

"Shibuya, I don't mind, really."

"...Murata, that's exactly what I didn't want you to say."

Wolfram got up and twirled around. "This feels kind of nice! Maybe I should dress like this more often. W-would you like that, Yuuri?"

"It makes your ass look big." Yuuri whispered.

"What was that?"

"Wolfram, you have a fat ass," Conrad said.

"You WHORE," Wolfram growled.

"At least I dont have buttsex in drag."

"At least I don't jack off with my sword." Wolfram retorted.

"Touché."

"What the hell, Conrad?!" Yuuri gasped. "Let's just stop! I can only tolerate so much gayness in one day and Gunter used a lot of it up already!" Yuuri cried.

"He said that my ass looked big!!" Wolfram growled.

"Fat," Conrad corrected.

"I am going to paint the worst picture of you and show everyone!"

"I'll do my business with your sword instead of mine."

"SEIBAI!" Yuuri intervened. Conrad and Wolfram were sent flying out the window.

"That dress actually did make his ass look fat." Ken said casually, listening for the thud as the two brothers crashed to the ground.

"It's raining men!" They heard Cheri cry happily from below.

It was dark. She was lonely. Two attractive men had just fallen from the sky. You do the math.

Ken and Yuuri tried to ignore the cries of terror.

"Oh!" Yuuri said, suddenly remembering something. "Murata, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

&&&

MEANWHILE, somewhere in the land of Gay Happy Rainbows—I mean, Small Shimaron...

Sara splashed around in his bubble bath.

Belias watched.

"Ah~ Wash me, Belias."

"Heika...I really don't think we should. We're related."

"Well, then join me as I swim merrily about the bubbles!"

"Stop smoking weed."

"What?"

"I think I'll stay right over here and just watch."

"Come Belias, come!"

"Not now, Heika."

"Oh well." Sara smiled. "More bubbles for me. Teeheehee~"

Silence gripped them for a good, long time.

….

"I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me..." Sara started singing in a quiet voice. "And when we're holding hands it's like saving sex to me..."

Belias sang along, "You say I'm premature; I just go in ecstasy."

"...Belias, don't sing."

He continued anyway, "...I..wear a rubber at all times it's...a necessity..."

...

"You ruined it, you dumb shit."


{{ If people like this, I'll write more. So if you like this, please write a review or favorite me or write me or something so I can decide if I should continue. Thanks. }}

Fanfiction © Me

Characters © Tomo Takabayashi