Baby, when you were looking at them, I was looking at you…


"I just…I want what they have, Ben." Adrian sighs, head bowed with a crack in her voice. He's never seen her so broken. "Why couldn't we have what they have? I just wanted us to have that. I can't go back to school and face those people and see Ricky and Amy happy together when I can't stand the sight of them together. And then I can see you pulling away, getting closer with Amy and I just…" She sighs again, hair devoid of curls framing her face.

Ben stiffens at this. Had he really made his wife feel as if she weren't enough, that he wanted Amy more?

Yes.

He hates himself for it, and hates himself for not being strong enough, for being a coward.

"We have to be honest with each other," Adrian nods to herself, as if she's bracing herself for an inevitable destruction in the midst of their home and she's not strong enough to stop it.

And ironically enough, Adrian's the strongest person he knows, and if she can't bare this, how the hell can he?

He takes her face in his large hands, turns her head so that her eyes lock with his. "When you're staring at Amy and Ricky, do you know what I'm staring at?"

She shakes her head, innocent of the sentiment and if she wasn't so broken, he'd tell her how cute she was with a clip in her hair, her puffy eyes and her pouty lips.

"I'm staring at you, Adrian."

Her eyes suddenly become glassy and glisten with the promise of tears. "Do you love me, Benny?" She whispers her nick name for him and he strokes her cheek with the pad of his thumb. When he doesn't answer, she asks, "Did you ever love me, Ben? Because if you don't, then we should just end this."

He averts his eyes away from hers because he's sure she's not even looking at him now, but rather through him and he's too weak to face this woman, his wife, who he's failed. He's failed her and he was too childish and he wants her and is willing to throw this all away. Throw her away.

He's pathetic.

"Dime, por favor mí amor," She murmurs amorously as she removes his hands from her face, rubbing his knuckles with her thumbs. "You want a divorce, don't you?"

He locks his eyes back with hers and she nods wordlessly. She kisses both of his hands and stands, running her hands through her mussed hair, "I guess I'll, um, call a mediator or maybe even my dad, and, um…" She lets out a breath between her lips. "We can go over what to do with this place, I don't really want anything."

He sits there tonelessly on their couch, staring at her.

"We can give stuff in the nursery to kids who need it at the shelter and," His heart breaks when a tear slips from her eye. "And we could just pretend this never happened." She begins to twist off the gorgeous sapphire lying on her left finger, but he quickly stands and stops her before she can take it off.

"I don't want to forget what happened; we were married and happy and you had my daughter. I don't want to forget that."

"Forget that," She says. "Promise me that, for now, you'll forget that, and me."

He doesn't want to. He wants to forget the pain, forget the abruptness of the situation, but not her.

She removes the ring from her finger, turning over his palm and setting it within, closing his fingers over it.

"Goodbye Mr. Boykewich," Adrian murmurs.

"Goodbye Mrs. Boykewich," Ben says back quietly to her retreating figure as soon as she's out of earshot.


He wants to go home in his own bedroom, curl up in his childhood bed, and just lie there, that's what he really wants to do. He doesn't want to keep bypassing his daughter's room every time before leaving the house and even though he's been sleeping on the couch, he can still see Adrian every day, see her seemingly grower stronger, moving on.

He hates it because he can't seem to do the same.

And for that reason, Ben doesn't exactly know how he ended up here.

At fifteen, he went to bed, dreaming of one day being Grace Bowman's boyfriend.

At sixteen, he awoke to a promise of a future that could've been with Amy Juergens.

And now, at seventeen, here he is in a bar, eyes hooded between awareness and sleep, nursing a glass in his hand. He hasn't drunken from it, just stared at it in thought about his crumbling life. He's married, he's childless, and everything is a sea of distant loneliness at his house that's not a home. His wife, Adrian Lee Boykewich, is still in their condo and because of that reason, he can't say he's too anxious to go back. He doesn't want to see her heartbroken eyes or the ring off her finger and he's too ashamed of himself to face any of it.

Losing a daughter changes everything.

His arms are slumped against the counter in exhaustion and he's glad that this bar doesn't close soon because he wasn't planning on leaving soon. If at all if possible.

He contemplates asking the owner if they can keep the light on for him for cash when he feels a presence settle down next to him. If he was a rude person, like Ricky for example, he would've immediately told them to get lost. But seeing as he isn't that unhinged from himself, he simply ignores them until they give a disapproving hum in his direction. He cranes his head and his eyes widen. "Nora?"

The thirty-something year old woman smirks. "Hello Ben. What's up?"

"My daughter died two months ago," Ben deadpans with a blink. "You?"

If he was hoping to cause her pause with his abrupt statement, it doesn't work because all the woman does is nod solemnly. "How you holdin' up?"

"As well as can be expected when your child dies," Ben snaps. "Not that you know anything about that."

"It's true, I don't," The woman nods, brushing her brown hair behind her ear. "How's my son's ex?"

A pit of jealously smolders within Ben. "You mean, my wife?"

Nora grins in acknowledgement. "Yeah, Adrian. How's she?"

"At home, I guess," Ben grouses, leant over the bar. He doesn't want to think about his eighteen year old wife, the mother of his child. His stillborn child. "On a…on a date."

At this, the older woman guffaws, "Your wife's on a date?"

Ben frowns, finger tracing the tip of his amber filled glass. He knows it's a ridiculous notion, him being jealous, but he is. And he can't help it, wants to take her advice and forget her, just forget everything. "Yeah, she's with some guy…Dustin or-"

"Dante." She answers easily with a smile. Ben's jaw drops.

"You know?"

Nora shrugs carelessly with a smile, "He lives in the dorm at the university, the one Ricky wants to go to next year. We took a tour and that blonde girl, the one who's in your grade…" She trails off uncertainly.

"Grace," Ben answers for her.

"Yeah! That's the one. She's going out with some guy named Daniel and she introduced Adrian to Dante."

Ben blinks, off-put by the information the older woman has said as she orders a glass of water. His mind is in a whirl about a few things, like, "Wait, Grace is going out with Grant."

Nora hums questioningly. "Really? I'm pretty sure she said the guy she was with was Daniel…" Her eyebrow furrows momentarily.

"And you saw this guy ask Adrian out? How did you-"

"I went with Ricky on his tour," Nora smiles. She almost squeals, "My son. Going to college…" The bartender sits a glass of water in front of her which she nods her head in thanks at. "It's one of the only things in my life right now that isn't so shitty." Her eyes avert to the glass in-between Ben's hands, "You know, you shouldn't be drinking kid. Alcohol can really mess a person up."

Ignoring her comment, Ben changes the subject. "What happened with you? Why are you at a bar, I mean." Ben asks, hoping he isn't overstepping any boundaries.

"Ah, the girlfriend wants us to move in together, a commitment." Nora reveals with a surly pout. "The last time I did that, things didn't end so well." Ben has heard the stories from Ricky, about abuse and about how he wasn't wanted and he knows that if things were different, his daughter would've lived a life opposite to that. Nora turns to Ben, "Since you're divorcing her, you're going to move out, right?"

Ben nods, "And when I get out, I'm going to stay out." Stay away from Adrian, stay out of her life, like she wants. Ben shrugs, "I doubt I'll even live with anyone again."

"Yeah," Nora nods in agreement. "Being alone is so much easier. Things are always going to be changing, and that's life, you know. Change. Things change, people change, so how do you promise to stay with someone for an eternity?"

They're both silent for a moment.

"You get them pregnant?"

"Ben." Nora scolds.

"Sorry," He apologizes. "It's the eternity thing that sets me off. I just can't stand to think about eternity and things going on and on and on." He grouses at every emphasis. He can't stand the thought of this pain he feels and the proverbial cage he's locked in and wanting Adrian and not wanting Adrian and all he wants now is the cool stillness of being numb. He looks at his glass, still filled with whiskey. "Then again," He eyes the drink that so looks like the color of Adrian's eyes, of his daughter's. "Maybe that makes death comforting, that maybe things don't go on and on and on."

A waiter with white cufflinks walks over with a red bottle of wine, "The Montrachet that you ordered?"

Nora looks to Ben, who shrugs, and the looks back at the waiter who's still presenting them with the beverage, "I don't think we ordered any wine, thanks."

"But…if fate has intervened, I'll take it." Ben says.

With an admonishing look, Nora faces him, "Have you listened to a word I've said?"

"Yes. Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Ben snaps back.

The waiter, not wanting to interfere with the conversation, sits the wine down in front of them, assuming it's theirs.

"You are not going to touch that, Ben Boykewich," Nora Underwood says sternly. "And neither am I."

Ben looks at her, and then back at the bottle.

"This isn't the answer, Ben." The older woman stresses.

"It goes well with not having the answer." Ben replies, sipping his drink, which is scalding down his throat but the dizzy numbness he feels is more than welcome.

"I'm an alcoholic." Nora says.

Ben shakes his head, "I'm not."

"And you don't wanna be. It's Hell, Ben. Being addicted to anything is Hell."

He takes another sip, longer this time. "Being married is, too."

She frowns, and then takes a long look at the bottle in front of her before downing her glass of water in one shot. "That's a good bottle of wine." She says, setting her empty glass on the table. Another waiter approaches, noticing Nora's empty glass.

"May I pour that for you?" He asks with a smile, blond hair spiked attractively. Nora smiles back.

"Just a little," She gestures with her fingers, leaving a small space in-between. "I'm an alcoholic."

The waiter pauses for a moment, and then laughs, "Funny," He says, as he opens the bottle and pours it into Nora's glass before walking away. Both Nora and Ben exchange looks at the wine filled glass in-between them.

"You're not really going to drink that, are you?" Ben asks skeptically.

Nora shrugs, "If it teaches you a lesson, yeah." Picking up the glass, she tips it back expertly, throat moving with every ounce she swallows. Ben tries to stop her when the original waiter rushes over in a panic.

"I am so sorry, but that's not your wine, I had the tables mixed up."

Nora narrows her steely eyes, "Well, it's ours now, and we're not paying for it. Your mistake."

Ben, not knowing what to do and trying to diffuse the situation, says, "Just take it away, I'll pay for it."

"Over my dead body," Nora growls.

"It's a $300 bottle of wine," The waiter pleads, trying to convince her otherwise, but Nora just nods.

"Why, yes it is," She grins wildly, taking another languorous swig. Ben reaches over the grab the bottle, but Nora's hand grabs his wrist and her nails bite into it, hard.

"Nora…" Ben says pleadingly.

Nora sighs, smacking her lips at the earthy taste of the alcoholic beverage and notices the waiter still standing there. "You can leave, now."

"But-"

"Now," Nora snarls, while pouring herself another glass. She downs this one easier and quicker than the first. "How many of these do I have to drink before you get it?" She muses.

"You don't get it," Ben pleads with wide eyes.

"Neither do you, kid." Nora mutters, pouring yet another glass for herself. She even pours some into Ben's whiskey glass to top it off and Ben stares at it. Swooping her glass up once more, she chugs it down in one fluid movement, laughing obnoxiously afterwards. "You think I don't get what it's like to have messed up things happen?" She grabs Ben's glass and downs it quickly as well before Ben could stop her. Roaring with laughter, she sets the empty glass down. "Bob, Bobby, my ex…he used to huuurt me. He used to hurt my baaaaby." She slurs. "He was a bastard and, and I hope…I hope he dies in a fiery pit somewheeeere." She hiccups. "You're…you had a baby and she died and that's all types of fucked up but at least you still have Adrian…" Her eyes become glassy and faded. "At least she cares about you and, and she's still there. That's love."

She goes to pour another glass and the liquid sloppily goes over the glass, dripping onto the table. Ben feels as if he's watching a natural disaster right in front of him.

"I'm an idiot, Ben; we're idiots. Here we are, sitting in a damn bar when we having beautiful women that care for us sooooo much sitting at home, wondering where the Hell we are."

"Adrian's not sitting around waiting for me," Ben says.

"Don't be an ass, virgin boy," Nora points to him outlandishly. "If she didn't still care about you, she wouldn't be in that condo with Dustin."

"Dante."

"Whatever. Point is, she still loves you, and if you'd take a second to get over your own damn self-pity and tell her, she'd be on you like white on rice." She becomes quiet after that, slightly swaying in her seat. "Sometimes, you don't know what you have until it's gone and not looking back and then…then that's when you really messed up." Nora's brown hair, much like Amy's, is following the movement of her body, swaying from side to side. She takes one last swig, and closes her eyes, chin landing on the table. "Take me home, virgin boy," Nora whispers.

Ben sighs, thinking the worst is over. He takes out his wallet and lays down a few bills on the table, about two paychecks worth. Then, he heads over to Nora's side and lays her arm around his neck, steadying her waist with his free arm in a firm hold. Her head lulls on his shoulder and he counts to three before standing up, lifting her with him.

They stumble out of the bar, Nora clinging to Ben and Ben attempting to find a balance until he situates her in his passenger seat, buckling her seatbelt and he gets behind the wheel. Nora is fast asleep against the passenger window pane and Ben puts in the key in the ignition, bringing the car to life.

"See what I mean, Ben…" Nora mumbles. "Go home, tell Adrian you love her…don't drink."

Ben nods, yes, that's exactly what he plans to do.

He backs out of the parking space and into the street-

-and the screeching of tires is overshadowed by the clashing of bending and torn apart metal.


Mega, mega spoilers in this one; AU; ect. As sad as I am for the baby, I'm so geared for season four. This story will somewhat follow certain things in canon, but this is an alternate universe. It also won't be exactly chronological; you'll have to keep reading for the pieces to come together. So feedback, please and thank you for reading.

DAC