Same As It Ever Should Be

By WinterKana

I felt like glass painted to look like brick. I'd refused to sleep the past few nights because I was terrified this wasn't real. I was so completely and utterly terrified that if I went to sleep I'd wake up in that terrible place again. I didn't want to wake up in a place without my family.

Everyone had such interesting stories to tell about where they'd been sent. Mikey saw superhero versions of us—and a villainous Master Splinter. Raph got transported to some motor race on another planet and won it with honor. Leo met up with our favorite samurai friend Usagi and helped him out before going to see the distressed Great Daimyo. I, however, received a different fate than seeing something interesting or meeting friends. I only encountered horror after horror when the cross between Draco and the daimyo's son, succinctly named 'Ultimate Draco', used the time scepter to send my family and me across space and time.

It seemed every time I closed my eyes I would see flashes of that nightmare of a future. The worst part? It was a future I'd caused. No, not me specifically, it was the Donatello from that universe who left for thirty years, but that didn't lift any of the burden off my shoulders.

Every time I started to doze, I would see my brothers aged, battered, and beaten. I would see the final seconds of their lives as they took that one last stand against the Shredder I had asked for. I would see the light fade from my no-longer-happy-go-lucky brother Mikey. I would remember Leo, blind but strong Leo, being destroyed by the woman he'd tried to help so many times before. I would never forget the agony of Raph's voice when Leo was slain. I would never wash away the image of Raph reaching to our leader, as if to hold on to his hand like we had done as toddlers.

When asked where I'd been sent, I shrugged it off. It wasn't anything worth telling about, I would insist. My brothers let it be after my fourth refusal to tell. I realized I must be a bad liar because I overheard Leo telling everyone to stop asking because it was probably something personal I didn't want to talk about. I realized I didn't have a poker face either, because Raph and Mikey only agreed because I looked distressed every time they questioned me.

It had been only a few days since the whole fiasco, but it felt like years. I had barely had anything to eat and that, coupled with my lack of sleep, was turning me into a complete mess. The others were worried since I almost never came out of my lab. I would just say I was working on something important for the team. I was doing just that, in a sense. I was working on the answer to the question that plagued me most of all. Perhaps, if I found the answer, I could finally be in peace and know that future would never happen here.

What was so important that I would leave my family and never come back?

I was both morbidly curious and scared of the answer. Perhaps the answer wasn't even that I stayed away. Maybe something else happened. Maybe I died. I didn't know, but I was wracking my brain for answers I would never have.

It was three in the morning when I heard the door creak open. The sound grated on my sensitive ears. I'd have to oil the hinges later. Yet, despite the open door, I heard no footsteps. Becoming paranoid, I drew my bo staff and swung it when I saw a moving shadow.

"Hey! Watch where ya swing that thing, would'ja?" A rough voice made me retract my staff.

"Raph?" I rubbed at my tired eyes as he walked into the dim light of my desk lamp. His bright red mask stuck out in the dark room. I remembered how one side of it had been sewn up because he was missing an eye in that horrid future. "What are you doing up? And in my lab?"

"I was just checkin' up on ya, bro. I thought you were asleep since I didn't hear ya workin' on anything." Raph took a good look at me, I was about ready to shrink away from his prying eyes. "Man, you look like you should be sleepin'. Is your little project really that important?"

"It's extremely important," I assured. "Now, I'm fine, so you should go back to bed."

"I think it's you who should be in bed, Brainiac. You look like the stuff Mikey's cat coughs up when it eats too fast. When was the last time ya slept, bro?"

"I have a lot of work to do, Raph. Go back to sleep." I dodged his question, but apparently not well enough.

"I don't care if this project 'a yours is s'posed to save the whole damn planet! You look like crap, Don! You're the smart one, right? You know this is bad for ya!"

I looked away. I couldn't bear to face the facts. He was right, but I had to know first. I had to know that future wouldn't happen here.

"It's only been a few days and I feel like we're losin' ya, Donnie," Raph frowned.

I stared at him. It was happening already. I was growing distant. That must be it. I grew distant and stopped caring and that was why I left. I lost my family ties because I'd been so obsessed with figuring out how to keep them.

"Whoa, whoa, Donnie!" Raph yelled and I realized I had started to hyperventilate. He put his hand on my shoulder. "Donnie, what's goin' on with ya?"

I shook my head and calmed down some, "Nothing, I—I think you're right. I'll get some sleep—."

"Oh no ya don't." Raph grabbed me when I tried to get past him. "Sit." He gestured to my desk chair.

"But—."

"Sit." There was no room for argument when that tone was used. That was Raph's 'listen or I'll beat the shell out of you' voice. I reluctantly sat down. He pulled over the other desk chair usually reserved for April and sat in front of me, leaning forward. "Now, tell me what's goin' on with ya, Donnie. You're a mess!"

"It's really nothing, Raph."

"Bullshit!" He exclaimed. I flinched from his ferocity. "You call that little panic attack nothin'? Don't try that crap with me, Don."

I tried to hold back when my tear ducts started to react, but I knew better than to think I'd be able to control an involuntary reaction. A few telling tears slipped down my face.

"Don," his voice got impossibly softer, "I'm just worried about ya is all. I can't stand to see ya like this. You look like you've been beat up twenty times over and I have an idea 'a who beat'cha up too." He put his hand on my shoulder again. "Let me help ya, Don. We're family, that's what we do."

I tried to swallow back all of the things I was feeling, but it was a fruitless struggle. Raph rarely acted like this. We all knew he was a softie under his tough exterior, but he almost never showed it. I felt like a little kid again, back when I was afraid of everything that went bump in the night. It was like when Raph had told me he'd kick the shell of anyone who'd hurt his brother, so I didn't have to worry about monsters hiding in the closet.

One would usually expect Leo, our level-headed leader, to be the best confidant. Perhaps Mikey, Mr. Sunshine, would be best for really bad days. Even better yet, our father Master Splinter, with his unending wisdom, might help. Still, I always thought Raph was the best at getting me to talk.

Raph and I were pretty much opposites. The meathead and the brainiac. Yet, maybe that was exactly it. We were opposites, but Raph always cared. It was obvious because when I would confide in him, those few times life had become too much, I couldn't just see it in his eyes, but in his expression and rage that he genuinely felt the impact of what I was saying. He might be the most temperamental, but he was also the most loyal and empathetic.

"Donnie," he whispered again, "Please."

That was the last straw. I threw my arms around my big brother and sobbed like I was still a three-year-old child. He was surprised at first, but let it happen.

"I-I just d-didn't, didn't want that future and I-I," I was barely coherent.

"Don, it's okay. It's okay Donnie. Just slow down." He rubbed my shell like Master Splinter did when we got upset as toddlers. I knew this all made him feel awkward, which made me appreciate the gesture even more.

So, I poured it all out. It was like word vomit, I couldn't stop and I just kept crying. I was completely afraid of what Raph would think of me. I had abandoned them for thirty years. How could he ever forgive that? I lead them to their deaths! I told him of our brothers' middle-aged selves and that Casey and Master Splinter died. I told him how they each died fighting the Shredder, died in a fight I had insisted upon. I told him of how painful it was to know I had caused such a horrid future and how terrified I was of doing it again.

Raph stayed silent throughout my tale, like a rock I needed to hold onto. When I finished, gasping for air and simultaneously choking on it, I waited for his judgment.

"Don," he nudged me away so he could look straight at me, "I thought you were s'posed to be the smart one." He gently knocked on my head like it was a door. "Anybody in there?"

"What?" I was exhausted and beyond confused.

"That wasn't you, ya idiot. He might'a been named Donatello; he might'a looked like you; he might'a had brothers like us, but he ain't you, Donnie. We're brothers. We've been brothers since forever, and that's how I know that future ain't gonna happen. I know you, Don," he said with certainty. "You're my genius little bro who works day and night for us, makin' new inventions and fixin' stuff we break. Even when we get to be too much, ya keep doin' it. You wanna tell me why?"

I rubbed at my eyes and sniffled. "Raphie," I called him his secondary nickname (that he usually hated) like we were still small, "You guys are my family. I'd do anything for my family."

"And that's why I know that future ain't gonna happen here," he assured. A few extra tears leaked out and I quickly scrubbed them away with my hand. He patted my head and stood up, offering me his hand. "Come on, I think we could both use some sleep."

I stared at his hand and gave a genuine smile for the first time in three days. I took his hand and he helped me up. I hugged him again.

"Thank you, Raphie."

"Don't thank for me for somethin' that should'a been done three days ago, Donnie. I'm just glad you told me what was goin' on."

I just nodded, letting go and allowing him to lead me towards my room. Yes, I thought, that universe's Donatello must be different from me. Why would I ever want to leave a family like this?

Edit: Thanks to BubblyShell22 for pointing out a mistake I made!