Huh... I've planned another ending... but somehow it turned out... different...
I'm not really keen on the ending of the last episode...
..........
Memories.
With the little piece of metal pressed against the side of my thigh, I felt worse than ever before. I've already watched the city-lights pass by and now the fast passing trees were making me feel dizzy, but I couldn't turn around. Not when I knew that Dean was sitting there. Right beside me. Slipping my fingers back into the pocket of my jeans, I caressed the surface of the medallion. I hadn't been able leave it in the trashcan. I couldn't get the picture of Dean throwing it away out of my head, standing in front of me, his back turned towards me. Well… yeah… He got his message through. He was beyond pissed. He was finally really… DONE.
I couldn't blame him… Some of his most terrible moments had been my heaven… and there was no way I could apologize for this. It was insulting that this… little… eleven-year old brace-face was part of my heaven and my brother who had always been there for me… hadn't appeared once.
No… there was no way that words could make this up to him. He only had memories of his family as his very own heaven. I let out a shuddered breath. Those hadn't even been moments when he was particularly happy. Those had been moments he made an other family member happy… me and mom...
I wondered which memories of mine would have come after our encounter with Zachariah. I was sure that there would be a lot of Dean…
Well at first I would have meet Jess again, this wonderful, normal woman… and my other friends from Stanford.
My finger pressed a little harder against the necklace.
'Why to the holy mother of crap has Dean no place in your heaven… what the hell is wrong with you?'I let go of the item in my pocket, balling my hands into fists.
Dean was the one who had this… really crappy childhood. He had been the one who had to look out for a pain in the ass. He had to clean up dad's messes. He had to reassure everybody that everything would be okay, eventually.
I had been protected all my life. I always had someone to lean on… I had always taken that for granted.
Dean had always seen family as something precious… breakable. He had lost his family in every single way. He had seen dad ran away, he had been there when mom died, when dad died… when his little brother ran away so many times...
I spent my whole life complaining about my childhood. Of course I had good childhood memories… the fireworks were just one of them, but I had never been able to enjoy these things, because I had been too busy with complaining and hating this life.
Stupid.
I let my head fall, running my hands through my head.
"Tylenol is in my duffle." Dean said calmly and it was somewhat funny that he realized that I had a headache before I realized it. I just nodded, unable to speak.
I glanced at him briefly. He looked beaten.
When I didn't answer he set his jaw and continued. "Well, I'm not so peachy, neither and I want to search for Cas… he's pretty disappointed because of the result of… our trip… I want to talk to him… I can sympathise."
"Dean…" I started.
"Save it… I shouldn't have said that…" Dean scratched his head.
His voice tore at my core.
…
About half an hour later we entered another dirty motel room.
"Dean… I…" I cleared my throat. The silence was killing me. "You know… I'm sorry… and…"
"Sam… really… save it… don't waste your breath. Nothing's gonna change for you anyway… We're stuck together. Giving up is not an option. It's just…" He shut up, looking down, throwing his duffle onto his bed.
"What?..." I asked, sounding harsher than intended. "It's just that we haven't a chance to win and just fight to do anything at all?"
"Yeah… something like that… cause honestly, Sam… there is no chance for us…" He looked at me, telling so much more with this cold look.
"Damn it Dean... If you want to say anything... than say it." I had a hard time controlling myself. I didn't want to shout at him... but damn it... this guy was annoying. "You're mad... I get it... but I couldn't help these memories..."
"Sam..." Dean interrupted me. "You don't have to explain anything to me... I'm not mad at you." There was truth in his eyes. "I'm disappointed... Your heaven is my own personal hell... and I can say that... I've already been to hell. You know why my heaven consisted of those memories?"
"Because you made your family happy." I didn't know whether he really wanted an answer, but I said it even though.
"Yeah... exactly." Dean whispered. "And you picked these memories... Do you know where I've been when you had your amazing Thanksgiving?" This time Dean didn't wait for a replay. "I've been in a motel... waiting for you or dad to come home. I had no food and I had nobody around... it was the most... terrible Thanksgiving ever... The two weeks you were gone in Flagstaff? Dad had refused to talk to me... after he had shouted at me for about an hour for loosing you and yeah... you already know that I wasn't really happy the night you went to Stanford... Dad had been gone then, too, because he needed some time for himself... and I've been alone again... I'm sorry for being disappointed that those days were the best days of your life."
Ouch "Dean..." My hand wandered to the necklace again. "I didn't"
"Yeah... you didn't choose these memories..." Dean said calmly. "That doesn't make it better. Anyway... why do you complain... you finally got what you want... I see you as a equal partner now... not more... not less."
I gasped, letting my head fall. Yeah... be careful what you wish for...
"Sam... I'm heading out for some food..." Dean sighed. "Could you do some research?"
"No... Dean... let me go... fetch some food... please... you already drove for hours... I can... make myself useful." I begged. The medallion was painful in my palm. It was a unnecessary reminder for our broken relationship.
He nodded, picking up the laptop.
I went out to the Impala...
I needed to do something if I wanted to make up again.
.................
"What do you want Sam?" Dean asked emotionless when I dragged him outside, after I've brought the food inside.
"You'll see." I promised, leading him to the other side of the little porch.
"Sam..." Dean stopped and when I turned around I couldn't see the sheepish smile I've expected. There was just frustration and anger. "That is SO not helping."
"Dean... please... I have no clue what to do... I..." I shrugged, pointing at the fireworks helplessly. "I want to..." My voice broke.
"It's too little too late... don't you think?" Dean ran his hand through his hair. "Or it's too early... whatever... Sam... just let us try to keep fighting... That has to be our first priority... Damn it... don't look at me like that..." Dean shook his head. "Sam... This whole family thing sucks right now... and.... I'm just not willing to get hurt by you again. You know... I'm just..."
"Did Castiel answer your call?" I interrupted him, tears in my eyes. I didn't want to hear anything of this. He was done... I didn't need him to say it out loud.
He didn't answer, he just turned around, walking back to our room. Now... I've lost him for good. And for the first time in my life I realized how hopeless you feel when you loose the one person you love the most... because he doesn't want you in his life...
It was this feeling Dean had probably felt all his life.
I took a deep breath, before I turned around to follow him inside, leaving the fireworks outside and my hand fisted around the last glimpse of hope... the old medallion. I fished it out of my pocket, then looked at it, thinking about letting go. Thinking about letting it fall onto the concrete street.
I remembered the tender look on Dean's face when I gave the necklace to him. I remember his passionate look when he took it from the shapeshifter's neck, who looked like him. And I remembered the day he came back from hell... the thankful and loving look he gave me when I handed him the amulet back.
THOSE should have been my memories. My heaven...
Looking back at the item in my hand, I just couldn't let it fall. So I closed my eyes and pressed my hand, which was fisted around the item against my mouth for a second, before I shoved it back into my jeans. I felt a tear slip out of my eye.
I just couldn't give Dean up.
End? Not End?
That's the question.
