"Flowers for Sheldon…"
Summary: Leonard and the gang discover Sheldon has taken advantage of Penny's request for help with her binge drinking to make needed improvements…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck Lorre's…
Part I…
A weary, somewhat stumpy, dark-haired Leonard Hofstadter trudges to his apartment door at the sound of steady knocking…
"Sheldon…?" groan… "Did you lose your…"
Wait…Sleep-befuddled brain clears a bit…
Sheldon would never just keep knocking…Even if the pattern is his…
"Who's there?...OW!..." groan as he jabs an eye trying to peer through keyhole…
"Me…" moan… "Open up…" moan…
He unlocked the door quickly… "Penny?..." he stared at the tall blonde…In gold lame and black dress, in the usual state of late-night bedragglement…She leaning on the doorframe, eyes red…
"Tell me I didn't sleep with Howard tonight…" she looked at him…
Howard?...He blinked…
"Howard…?" he repeated aloud…Uh… "Howard, who?..."
"Our…Oh…" groan as she moved her head… "Howard…We were together tonight, right?...I remember you were there…" vague stare, turning to a reproachful look…
"What?...Penny that was eight hours ago when you came in to ask if you looked ok…It's 4 in the morning…Howard went home hours ago, after spending Halo night with us…"
Uh…Careful look…
Now that you mention it…Howard did repeatedly note how "yummy"?...Eehew…Penny looked…
"He did go home, didn't he?" nervous tone…
"I'm asking you…He didn't go with me to the party?"
Leonard stared…Then burst into laughter…
"Howard? With you?...To a party…?"
Vague smile on her part… Right, impossible…
"I must have dreamed it…" she nodded…
Thank God…
"Thanks for easing my mind…G'night…" she turned, staggering a bit…
Wait…Dreamed? Of Howard?...
"Wait, Penny?" Leonard moved out into the hall after her…
Light snapping on in the living room behind him…
"Excuse me, is anyone aware of what time it is?..." a high-pitched twang…
"Penny…" Leonard had caught up to her in the hall…Rather easy in her condition…
"Huh?...Leonard?...What's up?..." she stared at him…
"You dreamed about Howard? Tonight?"
Dressed like that?...He did not say…
"Huh? Oh, I guess so…I don't know…" vague wave…
Apartment door slam…Leonard, frowning, turned back…
"Oh…Sheldon!..." he went to the door…Locked…Damn… "Sheldon!...Let me…"
Sound of rippling fabric, then soft thud…He turned to see Penny on the floor…
"Penny!…" he raced over…
"Oh…" moan…One eye popping open as he turned to face the locked door… "Sheldon!...Penny's had an accident!...Penny?..."
Took you long enough…she thought…
The door opened…Sheldon Cooper in all his nocturnal glory, including nightcap and bathrobe…Slippers…
"Sorry, we don't have a pregnancy kit available…" he turned to re-enter the apartment…
"Sheldon!...You jackass!..." Leonard cried… "Penny's fallen, call 911!…"
"What?..."
"911!...Hurry!..."
"No…I mean what did you just call me?..."
"For cryin' out loud, Sheldon…She could be hurt…I think she's unconscious…"
Ohhh…moan…
"Incorrect hypothesis…When will you learn to wait for data?" Sheldon frowned… "I'd've thought as an 'experimental physicist'…Please note I did the emphasis thing to suggest quotes around 'experimental physicist'…You'd have a better appreciation of the basic need for valid data…"
"Sheldon, just call…And I'm sorry I called you a jackass…"
"No need to apologize…A jackass is an intelligent, enduring creature of agility and surprising resilence…In effect calling me that would be something of a compliment, were I an average human being instead of a world-historical scientific genius…" he caught Leonard's fierce glare… "I'll call…"
"No…" moan…Penny rising slowly, grabbing at Leonard's arm… "Don't…I'll be ok…"
"Ok?..." Leonard stared… "You just collapsed on the hallway floor…"
And dreamt of Howard…He did not say…
And thought you might have slept with Howard…He did not say…
"It does sound like you may be experiencing some neurological problems, Penny…" Sheldon now on cell… "Though it could just be the after effects of too much alcohol and any other recreational drugs you let some gentleman caller feed you to enhance your promiscuous behavior…"
"What?..." she stood now, a bit wobbly… "Sheldon, I do not do drugs…"
"No?…Just alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, various aromatic compounds of a highly volatile nature…Natural opiates released during sexual encounters…Chocolate…"
"God, you aren't as smart as you think…" she grinned… "Those aren't drugs…"
"Actually…" Leonard sighed…
"Oh, damn…" Couldn't he once just blindly support me?...
"So, do I call in the paramedics?...She does look bad…" Sheldon noted to Leonard…
"I'm fine…" Penny insisted… "Just point me in the right erection…Direction…"
"More to the point, I'm sure…" Sheldon eyed her…
"Come on, help me with her…" Leonard pulled him into the hall…
"I don't see any need to engage in personal contact…She said she was fine and her motor skills are probably adequate for the task in hand, given her vocal performance…"
"Sheldon…"
"Oh, very well…"
"Just take an arm…"
"Will you guys sing me the kitty song?..." Penny asked, leaning on Leonard's shoulder, head lolling a bit…
"My exposing her to it's one of the high points of her existence…" Sheldon noted…
"Keys?...The door's locked…" Leonard shook the apartment's doorknob… "Penny, do you have your keys?…"
"Oh, yeah…" she nodded, patting her sides… "Ohhh…" sheepish tone…Ummn… "Guys?..."
"Meaning someone is either taking her to a hotel or making her comfortable right out here…" Sheldon noted… "I vote we let romance have a second chance…Good luck, Leonard, I hope you two will be happy…" he leaned Penny onto Leonard's shoulder and hurried back into the apartment closing and locking door…
Howard?...She dreamt of Howard…? Leonard thought, holding Penny up…
The next evening…Living room of Leonard and Sheldon's swinging bachelor pad…As the aforementioned Howard cheerfully called it before he caught Leonard's baleful stare…The other member of the quartet, Raj still pondering the bizarre news of one of the stranger nights of the Penny-Leonard encounters...Even Leonard not quite sure as to whether he'd spent the full night holding Penny up or no...AFter the first hour it having become more onto the quality of one of his dreams...Or nightmares...
"Guys…" Leonard sighed… "I think Penny has a drinking problem…"
"And just when did you reach that insightful and brilliant conclusion?…" Sheldon, slight sneer… "When she was throwing up on your slippers last night after you got her to her bedroom?..."
"How did you know that?..." Leonard glared…
"My hearing is extra acute…" Sheldon, smugly…
"Drinking problem…Right…Poor girl…And how do we turn this to our advantage?..." Howard, beaming…
"Howard?..." Leonard glared…
"I just think we should speak to her…" he noted… "It's starting to affect her life…Her work…"
Giggle from Sheldon…Leonard, glaring…
"Sorry…But to hear you say 'her work'…I must give a hearty guffaw and perhaps even a rousing back slap to indicate that you have made a good one…" he eyed Leonard's frowning face…
"Perhaps not…"
"I have to admit…I have noticed it…" Raj nodded… "Even when too paralyzed with fright at her beauty to speak, I've noted the gin on her breath and the glassy look in her eyes after 'a way too much'…As my mother calls them…Loudly…At each communication…You see a 'way too much' is…"
"We've all been there, Raj…" Howard cut him off… "Well, actually, none of us has been there but we live on hope of one day being invited…"
"I just don't know how to handle this without offending her…" Leonard noted… "I think she should…You know…See someone…"
"As opposed to drying out in a police detox tank…Yes…I can see that…" Sheldon nodded… "I suppose something should be done…I've grown used to her antic ways and none of you can sing 'Soft Kitty' like she does…"
"He's made such progress this past year…" Howard noted to Raj…
"Well…Lets not rush this…" Leonard, cautiously… "They do say it's important she be the one asking for help…"
"They?..." Sheldon eyed his roommate sourly… "You mean that recovered alcoholic who does infomercials about how his fourth-rate, ghostwritten book provides a magic cure for all addictions…?"
"Well…Uh…No, of course not…I mean trained professionals…" Leonard frowned…
"Oh…And you're an expert on that, how?...Can you give us a list of addicted family members who've successfully recovered and the methods employed…?"
"Sheldon…"
"I can provide a list of family members who don't even try to recover…Most of my family in fact are addicted to alcohol, certain prescription and non-prescription narcotics and evangelical religion…"
"Great…" Leonard frowned… "But that still…"
"Big deal…" Howard shrugged to Raj… "In my family it's the ones who aren't sloshed at every get-together we try to count…"
"Yes, me too, to my secret shame…Though my father did make a splendid recovery with a great deal of therapy…" Raj sighed…The others staring…
"Well, surviving the grinding poverty of India is a heavy burden…" he noted…
"Your father is equivalent of an American multi-millionaire…" Leonard shook his head… "What are you talking about?..."
"Ok…Fine…It was my mother's nagging that drove him to the betal nuts…" Raj shrugged… "But my point is I've seen a recovery done…And Leonard is right…Penny must want to be helped…There's proof in the literature…" he eyed the frowning Sheldon shrewdly…
Sheldon, bitterly… "You bastard…Now I'll be up all right reading…" rising and stalking out of the room…Raj grinning after him to the others…
"You know he really has made progress…" Leonard noted…
Penny's apartment door…
"Penny…" knock… "Penny…" knock… "Penn…"
Sound of bull horn makes Sheldon jump back…
Door opens, smiling Penny in UCLA t-shirt and shorts… "How do you like my anti-Sheldon device?...Howard wired it up for me…"
Sheldon staring…Still shocked…
Stymied?...By a mere master's degree engineer…?
"And I didn't even have to let him have a friend's phone number…" she noted cheerily… "He was happy to do it…"
Perservance, Cooper…Sheldon frowned… After all, I can't abandon the one person who can sing "Soft Kitty" as well as Mommie…
But careful stare…
"Yes?..."
"You seem very perky this morning?...Have you altered your choice of addictive substances or is this merely confirmation of your manic-depressive state?..."
She sighed… "Sheldon…"
"Because I'm here for an intervention and I need details as to your condition…Tell me…" he pulled out a clipboard with checklist… "What drugs or herbal substances did you take this morning?..."
"Go away, Sheldon…" she frowned, turning on heel…
"Hey, babe…" a deep male voice from the hallway stairwell… "I left my shorts in your bedroom…" a tall, dark-haired, muscular figure in jeans and leather jacket came into Sheldon's narrow-eyed glance's view…
"Oh…" Penny, nervously… "Hey, Tom…"
"Harry…"
"Whatever…Just a minute…"
Hmmn…Sheldon nodded…
"Natural opiates, of course…" he checked off a box…
"Harry" came over to him, eyeing him… "You Penny's…Nah, couldn't be…You here delivering stuff?..."
"No…" Sheldon replied, scrutinizing his clipboard…
"Here ya go… Pat…" Penny had returned, holding out a pair of underwear…
"Harry…And that's not mine…"
"Just be glad you're getting a pair back and go…Bye…" she waved…Sheldon looking after the latest bad dating choice…Returning to stare at Penny, who frowned…
"The 'bye' includes you too, Sheldon…Bye…You get double portions, lucky you…" she whirled round..
"I'm here to help because I care…" he said suddenly…She paused, startled…
Turning back slowly, eyeing him…Long, cautiously nervous stare…
"It's the alien pod Sheldon, isn't it?...Howard always said the pod would have to be nicer…"
"Penny…Nice to see you've learned a bit of sci-fi lore thanks to exposure to us, very promising, by the way for my proposal…I've seen your behavior become increasingly more to my original expectations of you and it disturbs me…"
"Am I right in thinking there's an intended compliment in there…Somewhere?..."
"When we met…I thought you were just…Well…What you were last night…And probably remained up to a few hours ago…But you've surpassed my expectations…" he paused…
"Really…" half-annoyed, quarter-amused, quarter- faintly touched…
He has made progress…
"Yes…I must confess you have occasionally transcended the limits of your upbringing…Easy enough as I am the prime example…Your rampant hormonal drives…Which I, blessedly, know nothing of…"
"Bull shit…" smile… "I've seen you change color when Amy's around…But…Go on…"
"…Your miserably limited education…And…"
"…My naïve stupidity…?" frozen smile…
"…And your overly naïve and warm heart…" he corrected...
"Jesus Christ…" she whispered…Stunned…
"No, but I'll have to do…" he noted…
"Penny, I think you're capable of more than you know…And this pattern of drunken binging is harming you…"
"Sheldon?...Are you really expressing concern for me?..." she stared…
"Amazing, isn't it?...It must be the power of 'Soft Kitty'…" he shook his head…
"Wait…" shrewd look… "Leonard sent you, didn't he?...He wrote all this out for you, didn't he?...Let me see…" she grabbed his clipboard…
"Sheldon, don't try to fight me, I'll hurt you unintentionally again…"
He released the clipboard…She scanned it, flipping pages…
"No script?..." she stared…Looking up at his annoyed face… "Here…" she offered the clipboard…
"Leonard didn't send me…" he snatched the board back… "But if you don't want my help, according to an all-night search of the literature on addiction, it's no use trying anyway…Damn Raj…"
"What?..."
"Here…I can at least recommend a good gastroenterologist for when your liver starts to fail…Soon…" he handed her a card, turning…
"Wait…" she called…He halted, not turning…
"Sheldon…"
"You have to ask…" he insisted, not turning…
"Sheldon…"
Nnnit…He hissed…Hand raised…
"Sheldon…Leonard didn't send you…He's not…Worried…?"
"Certainly he's worried…He started this whole thing by bringing his concerns to my attention…But he prefers to wait and review therapy options…And see if you ask for help…Which I suppose…Damn Raj!...Is the right course…"
"I know I've been overdoing it, a little since Leonard and I split…But…Am I really that…?" pleading tone…
"'Tom'?...'Phil'?..." he asked…
"Ok, I need help…" she sighed… "Help me, please?..."
He turned…Beaming smile…
"Then help is here…" he raised the bag he'd been carrying on his arm…Pressing button on a Ipad strapped to his arm…Music…
"Help!…I need somebody…Help!...Not just anybody!...Oh, won't you please, please help me…" the Beatles' "Help" playing…
"What's…That…" she looked nervously at the bag… "And please turn off that music, I get the point…"
A pod could fit in there…She noted to herself…As Sheldon shut off the Ipad…
"I've made an extensive review of the literature on addictive therapy…"
"You watched that guy's infomercial?...Aw, Sheldon, that's sweet but I don't think…"
He glared…
"Ok, I did buy the book…" she sighed…
"A ridiculous waste of your limited funds…But I was frowning in disapproval at the thought you thought I would rely on an infomercial to help you…Me, Dr. Sheldon Cooper…"
"But you did watch it, right?..."
"Only for comparative analysis…" he pulled out some items from the bag…
"We might be better off discussing this out of the hall…" Penny eyed him…
"Really?...Yes, I suppose that would be easier for me and it would enable me to set up the equipment properly…And the others might voice some ridiculous objections to my earnest efforts to help a friend…"
Oh…She suddenly burst into tears, hugging him as he recoiled… "Sheldon, you've made so much progress…"
Penny's living room…Sheldon nervously struggling to find a comfortable spot on her sofa…
"So…?" Penny, seated next to him, eyed the book of plug-ins he'd set down… "These are like self-improvement tapes?...I play them by night and it helps me curb my drinking?..."
He paused in setting up the player, frowning…
"Please…" he shook his head… "This isn't some nonsensical self-help session with some unscrupulous person with minor acting ability trying to foist a slick sales pitch on you…This is the latest in neurogenic mental enhancement…"
"Really?..." she stared… "Cause it looks like a set of headphones and a bigger mp3 player to me…"
"It does provide recorded reinforcement, yes…" he sighed…Eyeing her… "But it also stimulates the neuronal firing patterns and the method of neural access is revolutionary…"
"Sounds like the pitch I heard the other night at 2am…After Phil…"
"Harry…" Sheldon corrected…
"Whoever…"
"Now wait…" she looked at the headphones and the metal ring wired to them… Rather like something from some old monster movie… "This accesses my brain?...As in pumping stuff directly in?..."
"Very good…" Sheldon nodded, impressed… "In an unsophisticated nutshell, that is it…"
"Oh, no…No…" she got up… "You are not messing with my brain…"
"Think of it as cleaning up the mess already present…" Sheldon noted calmly, staring up at her… "Could anything make things worse in there?..."
"Sheldon…I don't want you putting things into my brain…How do I know what you might do in there?..."
"Help you tap the unexploited 90…In your case, probably 97.5% of neural ability you've been wasting all these years…And getting you out of a pattern of behavior ruining your life and prospects…Without a trip to some sleazy 'clinic' where your money will be taken and all you'll get out of it-some agonized, expensive drying out, doubtless followed by a number of visiting "Harrys" hitting on you and getting you right back into your old pattern, thousands of dollars…Well, your parents of course…Poorer…"
"…Tap?...Tap how?..." she sat cautiously…
"The device should stimulate your brain activity as well as allowing you to access the vast accumulation of data I've gathered…Along with an injunction to avoid excessive drinking or addictive substances…Penny, I'm not only offering you a chance to curb these drunken escapades before they cost you your health and your…Well, who cares about the Cheesecake Factory job…But your career could be measurelessly improved…" He patted the book of pull-ins…
"This data includes the entire collection of Western dramatic literature from the ancient Greeks through Shakespeare to the moderns…Not to mention the entire selection of all the Star Trek scripts, Battlestar Gallactica, and Eureka and Warehouse 13, up to the present episodes…Plus everything I know about physics, mathematics and all those little fun sciences, like biology…In short, Penny…I am offering you…The accumulated wisdom of Sheldon Cooper…Plus a few other supposedly great thinkers…"
"What?...Sheldon…I thought you just wanted to help me quit drinking…Some…" nervous glance…
"Yes, but this is a chance to expand the human horizon, Penny…If I can pass this data on to you…Think of the possibilities…I could do it for anyone…The whole world suddenly functioning on my level…"
She giggled suddenly…
"So you'd just be an ordinary dork in a world of people as smart as you are but most of them much cooler…?"
Hmmn…
Hadn't thought of it that way…
"Well, perhaps it would be one small step forward at a time, with ample time for me to keep well ahead of the curve…Well?..."
"Sheldon…I dunno…" she sighed, staring at the headphones… "What could happen to me?...I mean…Could I get brain damage, lose my mind?...Become an arrogant, annoying, control-freak jackass?..."
"Become at least Leonard's equal intellectually?..." he eyed her shrewdly…
"As for physical damage, it's highly unlikely…"
"You…Rat…" she fumed…
"Actually in this case you would be the rat, I'd be the scientist…Mad, if you really want to push the sci-fi analogy…I know you broke up in part because you felt inferior to Leonard…" he looked at her stricken face calmly… "Happens to me with people…All the time…As they are all inferior to me…"
"Has he said?..."
"No, of course not…And he doesn't feel that way…You do…" Sheldon eyed her… "It's your own sense that you're not making the best use of your abilities that's damaged your relationships and is threatening your life and career…This is a chance…Not a guaranteed one, I grant you…But a chance…To experience functioning on a whole new level…The Sheldon Cooper level…"
"Didn't you say it included other great thinkers?...So wouldn't I be kinda…Smarter than you?..." arch look…Which he returned with narrow-eyed stare…
"I think that would be physically impossible…" he noted firmly… "Still, I've no way of being sure how much this would enhance your abilities…At least though you'd see improvement and it should help you curb your more reckless behaviors…" he held out the earphones with metal forehead band, now connected to the main player…
"A chance of being smarter than you?...I'm in…" grin…
God, that bastard Leonard had better appreciate what I'm doin' for love of him…
