My first meaning for living had been my family. Sure my parents had sold me and my sister into the Black Organization but at least we had been together. Right? Well that is what I thought but then my parents died. It was only me and my sister left. We thought we would be together forever and to prove that Akemi, my sister, even tried to free us from the Organization. For trying to leave the Organization she was killed. I hadn't fought against the Organization until that point thinking I would always have a meaning in my life. Now I had no meaning. Life was pointless without a meaning. Since my life was now meaningless I tried to kill myself by taking APTX4869.

I woke up and found that I was still alive. No, no, no I don't want to be alive I had thought. Since I noticed that I was smaller now I decided that I would run away so that I could die by my own hand and not anyone else's.

When I got away I ran without thinking about where I was heading. I had soon found myself near Shinichi's house. Immediately I could tell that it was his because I had just been there to check if he really was dead. Without thinking about what I had been doing I tried to get in the house. That was when I had passed out and Agasa-hakase had found me. He was my new reason for living, my new meaning in my life.

Later that same day that I had been adopted by Agasa-hakase I had been sent to the same elementary school that Shinichi as Conan had gone to and I was even put in the same class. We had soon become friends. I had even become friends with Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, Genta, Ran, and Heiji. There had been no way that you would have gotten me to admit to it back then though.

Soon I had gotten another meaning for living. This new meaning was that I was to make the APTX4869 antidote. I was the only one that could because I was the original creator of it and I felt responsible for making Shinichi like this.

Speaking of Shinichi he became another meaning for my life to continue and not burn out like a candle with no oxygen. He was the one that I learned to love. Even if I could never admit it to him because he had, had Ran at that time. I still felt like I had a meaning to my life through him. Soon he faded away from me though and I had lost one meaning in my life. He had been on a case after having gotten his life back to how normal it could be after having been shrunken into a child and had died after solving the case because the culprit had taken one last desperate shot to become free after being trapped.

In Shinichi's place of meaning in my life Shinichi had left another. This new meaning was in the form of a small child. Shinichi had made me the godparent of one of his little children that he had with Ran before leaving this world. This small child's name was Conan Suki Kudo. I found the name lovely and yet it brought back bittersweet memories. It brought back those bittersweet memories of my first love. The love that would never be.

Soon I had finished the antidote so I didn't have that as my meaning anymore. It gave me a bittersweet feeling. I was reminded that at some point all things must come to an end. This counts even for those things that give us meaning. All that was left as my meaning now was Agasa-hakase. I knew that at some point he, too, would leave me and I would have no meaning left besides Conan.

I had been right. Agasa-hakase soon had left me also. He had just been so old and had, had a heart attack. No one had seen it coming. Not even I had seen it coming and it made me very depressed. I had started to cry crocodile tears later on and with no Shinichi to comfort me I just couldn't get out of that slump. There was no way I would ever be the same again. The only thing that kept me going was Conan and even he soon had grown distant from me. He would stay out late into the night and would only come home when he thought that I was asleep. I had confronted him about it on his sixteenth birthday. All he would tell me was that he was following in his fathers footsteps. This had scared me because that was the last thing I wanted from him. It had made me so angry that I had started to give him curfews which I had never done before.

In retrospect that had probably been one of the worst things that I could have done but I was just so afraid of losing the last thing connecting me to this world. All of my fighting had been in vain though for Conan soon left me also. He went to America to study abroad and his plane had crashed into the ocean just as they were about to land.

My last lingering connection from my soul to this world was gone. There was nothing for me left in the world. I had gone to Conan's funeral and then went home and wrote of all the pain that I had felt throughout this whole time. Now I was ready to join all of those that had given my life meaning. I put the gun to my temple and squeezed the trigger. There was no pain for it was all over in an instant. I was back where I belonged. Back with those that game me meaning. Now I was content. There were no more bittersweet dreams to chase anymore and I was truly happy for the first time since Agasa had died.