Why do people always seem so convinced that death is going to be easy? Within weeks – Days, even – they expect you to have moved on, to forget about the person you once loved, cared about. She's dead now; she's gone, I'll never see my mother's face again. I'll never hear her laugh, or taste her amazing chicken dumpling soup ever, ever again. No-one else understands, how could they? I was always the closest to my Mom; Quinn was always independent, and Taylor never really craved love from our parents. Vivian went off to college when I was eight years old and hardly ever saw our parents; and I hadn't seen any of my brothers since I was young, either. For years, before I'd married Nate, it'd just been Mom, Dad and I. Since Dad had died? She was my world, call me crazy; but she was always there for me, she helped me out with everything, with Nathan, with Jamie...
"I said, are you okay?" Nathan's voice filled my ears and my head snapped up, guiltily. I became aware that I hadn't been paying attention to a word my husband was saying, and now he was looking at me with panic-stricken eyes. It was clear to him that I wasn't myself, he wasn't used to seeing me this way; in the eight years we'd been married he'd seen a lot; he'd seen my compassion, he'd seen my strength, but he'd never seen this. I knew that right then I wasn't Haley James Scott, I was the shell of her; a broken, lost little girl trapped inside myself and, right then, there didn't seem to be a way out. "I'm fine." Of course it was a lie – But, was there really an occurrence when someone claimed 'I'm fine' and meant it? Fine was a lie, plain and simple; fine meant dying inside, destroyed, unsure how to go on.
Lydia James had been an amazing woman, I'd always thought so. She was my mother, my guide, my role model; everything in my world that made sense. Nathan and Jamie were trying now, for me, but they couldn't understand. I was slowly slipping closer and closer to the edge and I didn't want their sympathy. It wasn't going to bring her back, there was nothing that I could do to bring her back, and this was all my fault. I should have tried harder; she'd told us in advance that had pancreatic cancer, she knew she was going to die, I should have helped. I shouldn't have given up like that, it was my duty as a daughter to do all I could to try and save her, to get her help. But, I hadn't. "Why?" The word came out as a sort of strangled cry, and Nathan looked at me; I knew he was worried, he didn't know how to deal with me like this. We were all used to dealing with death, but it didn't usually hit any of us this hard. Especially not me, I was the 'strong one', the one who could deal with anything. Yeah, right.
The presence of another human being was off-putting. I didn't want to be surrounded by the living, my mother wasn't living, and she was the only person in the world who could have appeased me right then. I just wanted to see her face, see a smile touch her lips and to hear her tell me that everything would be alright. But, it wouldn't be alright, would it? Never again. Under normal circumstances, maybe I could have written a song, to ease my pain; allowed the melodies to flow over me and wash away all the hurt, all of the depression manifesting within me and just feel human again.
Treading cautiously, I stepped into the kitchen; my footsteps echoing around and occupying the eerie silence which now seemed to hang over the household. Jamie was long in bed; Quinn was staying with Clay and Nathan? Well, I wasn't sure now, I didn't want to go back to the living room and see how he was doing. Deep down, Haley cared; but me? The person I now felt like I was becoming? She didn't care. She didn't care about anyone but her mother; the loss was too much, far too much. The clear liquid of the vodka poured steadily into the glass, despite my shaking hands, but I didn't much care if I over-poured. I wasn't going to drink it, what would be the point in that? For a few minutes I could numb the pain, drown my sorrows and I probably wouldn't even think about it. But, it would only be a few minutes.
Alcohol was a depressant; I'd known this since I was a young child, it was one of the many reasons I was sensible when it came to drinking...I wasn't going to let it affect my judgement anymore than it was already affected. Instead, I carried the glass through to the back room, to the piano, and sat down there. My dark hung clung to my face, attached by the beads of sweat and the remains of long ago cried out tears, but I didn't try and push it away. I did take a sip of the liquid though; my head was all over the place, to begin with – What would one glass do to me? Placing it upon the top of the piano, I watched as it toppled over onto the keys, pure annoyance jolting into me as I realised nothing wanted to go right for me. Looking up, I became aware of the candles which sat burning away on top of the piano; I thought for only a second, before pushing the candle on the top of the piano over onto the keys. I wasn't even sure when I'd lit the candles, now; the hours bled into days which in no time at all would probably become weeks. I watched as the flames engulfed the ivory keys; heat and smoke beating up at me. I felt no emotion whatsoever, did nothing, didn't even flinch.
I paid no attention as Nathan came towards me, not at first; I was busy thinking of what had already happened that day. I'd walked out on the shoot for what could have potentially been one of the most important music videos in my career; I'd yelled at Jamie for ruining the chicken dumpling soup I'd been attempting to make, when I knew it wouldn't worked anyway – It was a two person recipe, and without my Mom I was hopeless, I couldn't even make some god damn soup on my own. I stared into the fire; it seemed to calm me, if just a little. As he pulled me away; I felt nothing, at all – I wasn't even sure I understood why he was trying to keep me away from the fire, what harm was it going to do, in the long run? Feeling hollow, I watched as the flames were fanned out; feeling a pang of misery as I watched my flames disappear into nothing. "Haley, are you okay?" I heard his words, but why should I answer? He didn't care; he was taking everything away from me, everything.
Continuing to stare blankly towards the mildly melted piano keys, I heard his next words and again refused to answer. "What happened?" I looked to Nathan; really looked at him, and I couldn't understand. Why did he expect me to be okay? I couldn't be okay; I'd lost my mother, and he couldn't know what that was like. Even if Deb was a junkie, she was still alive; it was he that didn't bother to stay in touch with her, I'd been as close as I could be with my own mother – So why was it me who had to go through the gruelling pain and heartache of losing her? "I'm going to go and call my Mom." The words blurted from my mouth before I could even think about them, but I felt better the moment I thought that. I could still keep in touch with her – That wasn't too hard, was it? With a new found urgency and fear, I walked away from him; leaving the glass behind, leaving the piano behind and seemingly, leaving my sanity behind. I headed towards the door; thinking of nothing but my Mom. I need her then, needed to make sure she was okay, needed to know I'd be okay. That was all I needed.
