Hey! The list in this chapter is a little hard to read without the ability to indent, so you may want to just read it on Archive of Our Own. The Story has the same name on there, and I have the same user name. I hope you enjoy!
I've always known I was attracted to boys. I'm attracted to girls too, of course. I didn't make up the fact that I liked Rose. Though, after she rejected me, and as we somehow became almost-friends, I naturally got over her. But I didn't let anyone know that, because the thing is, Rose isn't the only one I had a crush on - but I couldn't let anyone know that. By "anyone," I mean Albus: the only one my age whose opinion I honestly care about. As you might have guessed already, Albus is the object of my affection.
Who else could it be but him? He whom I would, and have, followed anywhere and everywhere. The only human being who I can talk to about anything. The only person I can imagine growing old with. How could I honestly fall in love with anyone other than him? But no one can ever know, which is why when I have daydreams about Albus I always say I was thinking about Rose. She's my cover-up.
Chasing after Rose was easy. I never really expected it to work out. The rejection was always expected. When she rejected me, I knew for sure that I'd be able to move on. Of course, I could continue pursuing her, as I claim to still be doing, but that brings me to my next point. If I were to tell Albus, Merlin help me, about my more-than-platonic feelings for him, it wouldn't be so simple. As best friends, how could it possibly be so simple?
Possible Results of Confessing to Albus
Scenario A: Albus's feelings for me are platonic
A.1: He goes out of his way not to hurt my feelings
A.1.I: He says he'll think about it and never gives me a straight answer
A.1.I.a: I'm forced to press forward with a broken yet hopeful heart
A.1.I.a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
A. : He goes out with me out of pity
A. .a: He purposely does things to make me want to leave him and leaves me when I refuse
A. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
A. .b: He tries to develope feelings for me but just can't
A. .b.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
A. .c: He develops feelings for me (See Scenario B)
A.2: He rejects me
A.2.I: He's disgusted
A.2.I.a: He bluntly rejects me
A. .a.i: Our friendship is destroyed
A. : He tells me he can't see me that way
A. .a: Everything becomes awkward
A. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
A. .b: He starts teasing me without realizing it hurts me
A. .b.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
A.3: He thinks I'm joking and laughs
A.3.I: I'm embarrassed and can't look him in the eye
A.3.I.a: He realizes I'm not joking
A.3.I.a.i: (See "A.1")
A.3.I. : (See "A.2")
Scenario B: He feels the same way (This is where it gets tricky)
B.1: We get together
B.1.I: I end up sucking at romantic relationships
B.1.I.a: We break up
B.1.I.a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B. : Albus decides he doesn't like men
B. .a: We break up
B. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B. : Albus decides he doesn't like me anymore
B. .a: We break up
B. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B. : Albus decides he likes someone else better than me
B. .a: We break up
B. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B.1.V: We end up getting into a humongous lovers quarrel
B.1.V.a: We break up
B.1.V.a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B.1.V: People bully us
B. .a: We decide it's best to break up
B. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B. .b: We continue our relationship
B. .b.i: (See "B.1")
B.2: Albus decides he doesn't want anyone knowing about his sexuality
B.2.I: We get together but keep our relationship secret
B.2.I.a: We can't handle keeping it secret anymore
B.1.V.a.i: We break up
B.1.V.a. : Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
B.1.V. : We come out with our relationship
B.1.V. .aa: (See "B.1")
B.2.I.b: (See "B.1")
B. : We decide to try to ignore our attraction to each other
B. .a: Obvious awkwardness and sexual frustration
B. .a.i: Our friendship is damaged or destroyed
I've reread, rewritten, and modified the list countless times. This is actually the short version. It helps me remember that there's a reason that I keep these feelings hidden. My friendship with Albus is too precious to risk. And it's not like there's too much a difference between romance and our friendship. The only real difference is a higher level of affection. Physical affection is just an impulse I can fight (or, well, act on solo ). As for verbal affection, I can hardly imagine Albus and I talking like lovers; just thinking about it is so embarrassing that my face overheats.
And so, Albus will never know that I have romantic feelings for him.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate feedback! :)
